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Comments
Hey @Lottie5433, it sounds like yesterday evening was really heavy for you. Can I ask if you were able to keep yourself safe? How are you feeling this morning?
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It sounds so hard to notice that you are struggling and then feel like the skills you have been learning in therapy aren't working for you. I really want to assure you that this is in no way a failure on your part or a sign that you are doing anything wrong. I know it is easy to blame yourself, and that you are particularly hard on yourself - but, if you can, give yourself some grace as you have been going through so much while also learning all these new skills and techniques. Have any of the skills you have learned worked for you in the past?
hi @Billie
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Yeah yesterday was extremely difficult. I was somewhat able to keep myself safe. Whilst I was tho only one home (my partner was at work) I did start to create a plan and action it that’s when I contacted shout but still felt the same really. This morning I’m feeling tired like usual but still having the urges to hurt myself really, but kinda don’t want to as I need to have the conversation with my gm about my Sh in regards to work and I don’t really want there to be anymore that I have to let her know about.
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well the TIPP skills use to help recently especially when i used the skills of changing temperature so using an ice pack helped. Then physically grounding myself outside by standing in the grass or concrete with no shoes on. But these haven’t been working
That sounds so tough, it is good that you contacted shout when you were struggling and on your own - but I am sorry that it didn't help change the way you were feeling. Are you still planning on talking to your GM today?
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Would you be open to trying those TIPP skills again in the future? I know they didn't do much to help you this time, but I wonder if they could in the future in different situations. Progress can be up and down when trying to figure out exactly what works for you in each situation - so it is positive that you have been willing to try these techniques to work out what is right for you.
hi, I do plan on talking to my gm today, I’ve started to write a note to her incase I can’t bring myself to talk about it.
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I would try the TIPP skills in the future to see if they help again
this is what I’ve wrote for my manager that I might end up giving to her or I might talk to her instead I’ve not decided it depends on how busy she is today.
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Hi Lottie, that sounds super well written and really gets your points across. I hope writing it can highlight for you too like it did for me how proactive you're being in your own recovery process and that you really are putting in the time and effort despite how hard it feels, so well done!! Please let us know how they react when you get the chance to speak to them / show them the letter (if you want to of course!)
hi @Leyla i spoke to my GM about 30minutes ago, I didn’t show her the letter but just spoke to her instead.
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nothing negative was said she actually was pleased I came to her first. We just spoke and how she feels I’m getting enough support to get better and to help, and also feels we have the open relationship where I can come to her when things are bad and when I’m going off the rails (as I’ve done this before)
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She not worried at all, just said to be mindful because of the job role etc I’ll experience the safeguarding policy differently and that to be careful that young children don’t see my marks and that they are not influenced by it. Overall she was happy that I’m making the steps to hide it but also to get the help I need
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The letter did help me a bit too of putting things into perspective a bit
@Lottie5433 It's great that your conversation with your GM went well, and it's also great that you have such a good rapport with her too. You are doing amazing getting the help you need - I know it probably doesn't always feel like it but you are doing amazing.
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It sounds like writing the letter (even if you didn't end up showing it) was a great exercise to get your thoughts together? We're here if you'd like to share more how it's changed your perspective.
hi @Sabah thank you .
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I guess it just puts it into perspective that I am reaching out for help and getting as much support as I can
arggg
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I’m so frustrated and annoyed 😠. It’s all kind of come out of knowwhere but also I know what it’s stemming from
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Just currently sat waiting to see if DBT skills group is or not but all I want to do is cry and just not turn up
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I hate everything right now
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I don’t even what to be around anymore but if I go I’ll be letting so many people down and I fucking hate that feeling. It’s like I can’t win with anything
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Coz of all this I relapsed again which is fun not got to hide that from my partner (already disappointing him anyways what 1 more thing), work colleagues, guests and my manager
I fucking hate how my brain is wired why can’t I be normal
Hi @Lottie5433, I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. I know you have said that you know what these feelings are stemming from, we are here to listen to you if you would like to share more about this.
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I see you're feeling like you don't want to be around anymore, can I check if you are able to keep yourself safe? It sounds like such a heavy feeling to feel like you can't win or do the right thing. I hear that you are really conscious of letting people down or burdening people, but I want to reassure you that asking for support or even just feeling your feelings is never a burden. You deserve to be supported and listened to.
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It is understandable to feel like you don't want to go to your DBT skills group after such a hard morning, is there any one thing in particular that is making you not want to go today or is it more of a general feeling?
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I also see that you have said you have relapsed, I just want to check if you need medical attention? And I wanted to reiterate that we are here to listen to you and support you, as you said in your previous comment you are doing so well for reaching out and getting as much support as you can.
Hi @Billie
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I don’t really want to talk about where the feelings are stemming from as I feel guilty for where and how they’ve been brought up inside me.
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Idk if I can keep myself safe (no need to be concerned though), like I’ve got work from 2-7 and that’s about it.
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it’s just a general feeling of not wanting to go. Kinda want to speak to N about going as I’ve been feeling like this towards group for a while and I want to know if I can just not go (don’t think I can, I think I have to go as it’s part of the treatment plan)
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No I don’t need any medical attention my own fault and I can deal with it myself
struggling a lot and I don’t know what to do with anything and I don’t want to tell my partner because he will just get mad and tell me what to do. He already knows some thy ing is wrong but tryingg g hard to mask it but it’s difficult.
I just want to cry
I want to hurt myself
I just don’t want to be here really
Hey @Lottie5433, just catching up on your thread now. It sounds like you're struggling at the moment and you said you were unsure if you can keep yourself safe earlier. How are you feeling this evening I wonder?
You said just there that you want to hurt yourself, I can hear how difficult things are feeling right now. Do you feel able to keep yourself safe right now?
It makes sense you might not want to tell your partner even though he already knows some about this already. You don't deserve to go through this alone, and we're here to listen to you.
hi @Callum, feeling shit right now but just going to mask it all I’ll be fine I have to be
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Again not sure I just want this feeling out of me . I’ve tried a DBT skill of TIPP but not helped.
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Don’t want to burden anyone and he’s got his own stuff going on mentally
Hey @Lottie5433, you are doing a brilliant job, I can hear how difficult it has felt at times to stay safe recently. It makes sense you want the feeling out of you, but difficult that DBT and TIPP don't seem to have worked. You're not burdening anyone with this, you deserve the right support. Remember to contact SHOUT at 85258 or Samaritans tonight if you need them. We're all here for you.
thank you @Callum yeah it had been difficult to stay safe recently. I might try shout again but generally don’t get through to them for hours so a lot of the time I see no point
Hey @Lottie5433, it sounds like last night was really difficult for you. It must be frustrating and disappointing when the TIPP skills don't feel like they are working for you. I want to echo what Callum has said, you are not a burden or burdening anyone - you really do deserve support that works for you.
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I just wanted to check in, how are you this morning?
Hi,
I’m just heavily masking today.
have a call with N to discuss my session next week
I also have to go to work so will just be exhausted at the end of the day
Masking the way you are feeling sounds really exhausting. I know you have work but I hope that after the end of your shift you can have some time to rest.
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How are you feeling about your call with N? If you need to talk anything through then always remember that we are here to listen to and support you.
it is exhausting but I’m use to it.
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I doubt I’ll get much rest when I finish at work, I won’t finish until 7:30 then I have to get my dog and walk him.
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like yesterday it was the same situation and I wanted to walk to my parents to get my dog but my partner wouldn’t let me, then we kinda had a disagreement later on. It wasn’t until we got home after driving to get bear that I sat in the car very spaced out and my partner said can I promise him that “I’m okay as I have a lot going on mentally myself” with this is just felt that I couldn’t exhale everything inside so I sat and cried for a bit then curled up on the sofa with my silk tags watching my phone to which I fell asleep.
I just feel o have to mask constantly so he doesn’t have to worry and the fact it’s his birthday soon I don’t want to ruin that as we are doing a games night with drinks after work with some people (the ones from the other day).
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I was feeling okay about the call with N as it was just about changing my session time going forward. Although she did ask how I was to which I said I was thriving and just getting by really, and then said I can phone up and speak to her if I need to - I said I wouldn’t do this as I don’t like making calls like I told her before.
Hey @Lottie5433, it sounds so frustrating that you don't feel like you get much rest when you finish work at 7:30, and I'm hearing the disagreement with your partner was tough to deal with, which is understandable. You said that you sat and cried with everything happening, how did that make you feel I wonder?
It must be so exhausting having to mask everything all the time so he doesn't have to worry, I can hear how much you care about him, especially with not wanting to ruin his birthday.
I'm just wondering how your sessions are going with N recently? Have you found her support to be useful while dealing with all of these emotions? You're so strong for talking through all of this with us.
hi @Callum, I don’t tend get much rest after work.
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after I sat and cried I felt okay just drained and numb really.
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the sessions with N are going well, had a rough session last week but yeah that’s it really. I haven’t spoke about some of these emotions with N but might eventually especially after this weeks diary card that I sent over.
Today I’ve just had it with everything.
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suppose to be my day off and yet I’m getting messages from my team and my partner about work. It’s like my partner has told me I need to keep my phone on so I can be contacted about work, but that defeats the point of having a day off I might as well have gone into work and not had a day off.
if I did that though I would hit burnout and then everything would fall apart at work. It also would just affect work it would affect my relationship with my partner too
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I hate everything right now, trying to keep my mask up so I don’t ruin things for everyone else.
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part of me just wants to quit everything
Hey @Lottie5433, sorry to hear about how today went, it sounds like it was a difficult day. I can hear the frustration of being off work, and yet still feeling like you can't have the day off properly. It sounds like you're having to choose between what happened today, and the risk of burning out and the impact on work and your relationship, neither of which seem like ideal situations. You're doing your best to get through this, and we're here to listen to you.
thank you @Azziman, it has been a difficult day like the only thing that I’ve had to distract me is that I’ve been making cupcakes for my partners birthday tomorrow.
Today has just been challenging in all aspects; work, relationships, family etc. it’s like I have no balance between them all. All the lines are muddled and tangled I have no set separation they all just blur into one.
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because of all this though I’ve had so many suicidal thoughts and urges as well as self harm. All I can say is because I have to fill out a diary card weekly for N today is going to look rather colourful with me rating my thoughts and urges. -
just kinda hoping my partner doesn’t see any of the recent sh because I don’t want that to ruin his day tomorrow really. -
I’m honestly so close to a burnout and today has just taken a toll on me even though I’ve not been in, I’ve been putting up a mask for so long and I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up for really.
also relapsed with my SH which will be fun to talk to N about, like honestly I was close to calling N today but kinda got overwhelmed/scared to do it.
also has fun SI thoughts to talk about with N as well. All of which I don’t want to talk about but it will definitely be brought up because of my diary card
Morning @Lottie5433, I'm hearing that yesterday was a difficult day with so much happening, and everything overlapping so much that it feels overwhelming and messy. But, you did manage to do some baking to help distract you which sounds lovely.
You mentioned that you were struggling with suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges, which sounds so tough for you to be dealing with. It's good that you're documenting this and being honest in your diary card for N, as it will help her to help you through this by being able to understand what you're dealing with. I'm hearing that it was also overwhelming and scary to call N today, which is completely understandable.
When you sayaid that you relapsed with your self-harm, do you feel able to keep yourself safe today? I will check in through DM about this further.
I'm also wondering what today looks like for you, and whether you have any time to take for yourself?
Morning @Callum urah yesterday was difficult but I did distract myself partly with baking.
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yeah I was going to call N yesterday (well call the teams number to speak to N as they haven’t sorted out their works phone yet), but got scared/overwhelmed about doing it (mainly because I hate phone calls and making them).
idk if I can keep myself safe today, like I’ve got the morning free so me and my partner (finally given himself a day off) are going for breakfast and then am working 2-7pm and after that we are having a bit of a get together for my partners birthday - but I already anticipate that I’ll mask the whole time just with how exhausted I am with everything going on lately.