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Comments
Hey @Lottie5433 that sounds like a productive session? I hope you are able to to get some rest today and keep yourself hydrated, how's today looking for you?
hi @Verity the session was quite productive we did a mindfulness exercise that I did when I was in uni as apart of a module.
I didn’t get a lot of rest today been at work and had training away at another park today too. Also haven’t had a lot to drink either today
@Lottie5433 It's good to hear that the session was productive with mindfulness exercises. Are those something you found helpful and something you could take forward when things get too much?
It sounds tough that you didn't manage to get lots of rest due to training at another park alongside work. I'm wondering if you have a more relaxing weekend ahead?
hi @Callum thank you for you continuing support. I don’t tend to find mindfulness helpful but the exercise we did (I had done in university) took me back to when I was in university and how stressful and bad my mental health became, but then I was able to take myself away from those thoughts and just think about myself in that present moment. Most of the mindfulness exercises don’t work for me just because I can never get my mind to focus really.
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I don’t really have a relaxing weekend ahead of me, I’m working today and then have Sunday off (for the moment) so helping my parents in the garden.
Just hoping I can get away with wearing a hoodie or jumper as I don’t want my parents to see my recent SH as it’s still healing.
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I do get to have a week off of all therapy as I cannot attend group on Monday and N is on annual leave for the week so no Wednesday session either.
Hi @Lottie5433 , how are you doing today? It sounds like you've got a little bit of a break from therapy coming up, and I wonder how that's feeling for you? I know that pauses can bring up different feelings for different people.
You mentioned having a pretty busy weekend ahead of you also, and it sounds hard to be feeling self-conscious perhaps about recent SH and not wanting your parents to see. What do you imagine would happen if they did? We're here with you to listen
hi @Sian321 im sort of okay today, struggling a lot with the self harm urges - unsure why - and struggling with my eating disorder. I’ve started to go back to old behaviours like restricting my intake and purging
I’ve not ate and have been talking oral laxatives
I’m feeling okay about the break in therapy, I got told I was organised because I’ve already emailed in to say I cannot attend group for the next 2 weeks. The only good thing about a break in the individual sessions is that N won’t ask about this week hopefully as my diary card shows I’ve been struggling so far, and hopefully she only questions me on next weeks diary card.
My parents would definitely say something about my SH as when my mum saw my previous ones on my wrist she said “I thought we were over this” so I feel I’ll get a similar response to this if she or my dad sees it tomorrow.
so my eating disorder is loving life right now, I’ve been purging a lot.
Is it bad that I’ve lied to my partner about everything - he doesn’t know I’ve been restricting and doesn’t know I’ve been purging at all, I’ve been playing it off as I’m fine.
like I know I should be honest but I don’t want to tell him. He doesn’t want me to go back to these behaviours to a point where if he wants to try different diets like fasting he won’t let me do it and if I say I will he’ll just tell me he’s not doing it anymore. This is why I don’t want to tell him that for the last couple days I’ve been taking Lax and purging because then he will worry and won’t try fasting or anything.
I’m also now regretting not going to group tomorrow because i feel like i could benefit from it but ill survive without it
Also don’t know if N has said anything to my gp about my stockpile of prescription meds or that I od last week - I only say this because the pharmacy has only now said I have a prescription ready and it’s been 2-3 weeks without having one so I’m not sure
@Lottie5433 it sounds like you want to share this with your partner but feel like you don't want them (or your parents) to know that you are struggling again? It sounds like they do care about you a lot, but I understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing just yet.
I know you're taking a break from group but would you be able to join last minute or email in today to let them know you will be attending group this week? You do deserve support and if you have the time, it sounds like a good plan to share what you are going through.
Alternatively, are you able to work through the work set in group this week?
How are you managing this evening? Is there anything you're willing to try to help find a way to relax this evening?
hi @Sabah pretty much, I don’t want anyone to know I’m struggling, to be honest I don’t even want N to know I’m struggling.
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So I’m only taking a break from group because I’m working 9-5 today and next Monday so it’s impossible for me to join the call as i have to been in a confidential place where know one can hear me. I’m only say I wish I could go because we are doing about emotional regulation and that do it would be nice and helpful to learn that stuff as I know I can’t regulate my emotions at all and they take charge when I let them show. It’s either I suppress and don’t chow emotions or I let them flood out and take control.
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Once I get sent the stuff from what they did today in group I should be able to work through it on my own.
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I was struggling a lot yesterday evening to a point where I did take more lax and purged a lot more but told my partner I was fine. Also had a lot of SH thoughts and SI. Didn’t try anything ended up going sleep on the sofa as the lax made me really tired(as well as a little bit in pain) and the only place I could get comfy was the sofa
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Now I’m just exhausted at work and just want to go home but I can’t let my manger down or my team down
I’m not sure yet but might contact shout see if they can help or try something else like beat when they are open
arrggh I’m actually annoyed at my pharmacy and Gp at this point.
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I now have a med review in a few weeks with the Gp over the phone because apparently I haven’t collected a prescription since 13/02 and that I’m a weekly patient for a prescription. It’s annoying because I have collected one. The only one I haven’t collected is the last 2 weeks and that’s because 1) they don’t tell me about the one for 2 weeks ago, 2) last weeks one was ready on Saturday and I was working till 5 and they shut at 1 on Saturday so kinda impossible for me to get it. Like all this is just making me frustrated.
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On a different note idk if my electrolytes are low again (hopefully not potassium) I only say that because my muscles have been cramping a lot more and I’m getting palpitations again. Kinda knew this would happen with the Ed being active again. Oops.
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I also don’t know if N has said anything to my Gp about my meds etc or what’s been going on either.
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I just feel like changing Gp’s at this point, I just get annoyed with them. They make notes on my file that make no sense like “in watch file to ensure she attends” or like the one today, etc just annoying. More annoying so they can make these comments etc but yet when I asked for a letter to be wrote about me going to America and how they believe with my health I can go, they couldn’t do that, but they can phone me about stupid stuff and arrange appointments
Arrrggh
Hi Lottie, struggling but not wanting anyone else to know sounds like a really heavy thing to carry. Letting N know how you are and have been feeling might be really difficult in the moment, but could potentially help lighten that load for you.
You are very self aware to be able to identify that regulating your emotions is something you want to work on. It's good that you'll be able to work through the content and exercises even though you can't attend the group today!
I'm so sorry you were struggling yesterday evening and that you are exhausted today, it is really understandable given all that you have going on, but you are doing so well to be talking about it here. It is good that you are aware of those services that you could contact for support if you need it, and we are here to offer you support and listen too. It does sound really frustrating to be having those issues with your GP and pharmacy, especially when it feels like they are being so inconsistent.
Is there anything you would be able to try to rest and relax this evening? As it sounds like you have so much going on today.
hi @Billie there isn’t anything I can do to rest and relax this evening.
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Need to convince my partner that I don’t need to eat because I can’t be dealing with those thoughts either.
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I have to wait for my sister to bring back my car to me which won’t be till 6ish, I might see if I can go for a run but I’m having a lot of issues currently with my energy levels and physical issues with my joints etc.
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My gp has always been inconsistent the pharmacy I’ve not had an issue with before until today
I understand, it is hard to prioritise rest when you have so much that you are dealing with, but you deserve to take time for yourself. It is clear how much you care for those around you, and though it is hard to, planning some time to spend on yourself and your wellbeing is something you truly have a right to.
It sounds really difficult to be struggling so much with food, I know you mentioned Beat earlier and wondered if you would be able to speak to them when their helplines open? Have you had any past experiences talking to Beat? We want to make sure you are getting the best support you can get in all areas, but we are of course here to listen to and support you as well.
@Billie I’m waiting to speak to beat now. I’ve had a few experiences with beat and generally they are helpful but I fear they might just tell me now to go through my therapy stuff or contact my old therapy team..
@Lottie5433 Getting support from Beat is so strong and courageous of you. I'm wondering how that went for you if you have already spoken to them? If not, how are you feeling about talking to them?
I spoke to beat for like 10 mins @Callum, but they weren’t too helpful only because I told them I was In pain in my abdomen and kidney area so they said seek medical advice from 111 and then ended the chat.
I don’t think I’ll contact them again.
I don’t think I’ll eat tonight either I feel too nauseous to eat anything
Hey @Lottie5433, I'm so sorry to hear that Beat didn't provide you with the support you needed. It was really brave of you to reach out to them so I imagine it was disappointing to come away without the help you were hoping for.
How are you feeling this morning?
hi @Billie it was a little disappointing but kinda use to it by now.
like I get why they couldn’t/didn’t want to help me then because it was better to have the physical side of things looked at as a priority.
im feeling exhausted, nauseous, slightly in pain still, my head hurts but yeah that’s it really
I am so sorry to hear that you are still feeling in pain and exhausted, it is completely understandable given everything you are dealing with right now. You've done so well to reach out for support here and at Beat, I know that it is not an easy thing to do. As you are in physical pain and feeling nauseous, would you consider calling 111 so they can help you with getting the support you need?
I don’t really want to call them @Billie just because I don’t want to waste their time and like I know why I’m in pain.
it because I’ve been using lax and not been eating so no point wasting their time
I’m actually so annoyed with the pharmacy. Went to get my prescription today and they couldn’t find it to begin with and that’s coz the pharmacist that did it up put it out back because “I haven’t been collecting it” so they asked why and I said I’d only missed the last 2 weeks due to work etc. so now said my collection date is Tuesday.
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all this just pisses me off because I know that I’ve collected a prescription since the 13/02 because around that time I came back from conference with my partner and I collected one and the following week I collect. So who the fuck hasn’t been saying I’ve been collecting it’s just aggravated me. Maybe if they were better at telling me it’s ready then they wouldn’t have an issue or just fucking go back to giving me a months worth of meds saves the hassle.
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argggh it’s annoyed me even more now
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To be honest I want to cancel my medication review because my gp can’t do their fucking job anyway.
Hey @Lottie5433 It makes sense that you're feeling annoyed and frustrated at the pharmacy saying you haven't been collecting your prescription when you know that you have been. It sounds like such a difficult situation when they're not the best at telling you when it's ready, it's completely understandable that you'd be feeling this way as a result. I'm wondering if switching pharmacies might be an option to maybe get a better service? It's okay if you don't think that will help, just curious for your thoughts on that.
hi @Callum , honestly I just want to change gp and pharmacy but I can’t be dealing with that pressure now as there would be too many things to change it on now.
just fucked everything up again now
Hey @Lottie5433, sorry to hear what you're going through. Would you be able to explain more about what's just happened? We're here to support you.
well told my partner I had been eating and taking laxatives he wasn’t happy and said I can’t go gym because of it. So I sat down and just did some work. Had a break to find him crying on the sofa so asked what was wrong, he wouldn’t tell me and said he will be fine. So I gave up asking - to which he said I was getting annoyed. He went off the the bedroom to go bed and he was messaging me on snap to ask if I was coming bed and that he’s sorry. I said I was giving him space but I did sit at the sofa and SH’d (he doesn’t know that though). He then just said he wanted me to go to bed because he wanted a hug but that it’s fine if I wanted space. I went in to see him and asked for a hug and he said the time has passed and saw that I was going to cry I said I was just overthinking and he said that’s not what he wants.
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I then left and went to the living room and cried, I put on my shoes and got my car key and sat in my car. To which my partner said if I drive off he will be phoning 999 then i just hear him hit the wall of the house so I went in asked what he was doing. He said nothing and asked for my keys I refused to give them over. I sat back In the living room and sh’d again.
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he started messaging me again and said he can’t go to sleep now because I got my keys and that I wasn’t in the bed with him. So went and sat there with him. Got to about midnight and he turned his phone off and went to sleep but made me turn mine off too and made me promise I wouldn’t leave or do anything stupid.
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this morning just woke up exhausted and very numb to the world. Now that I’m at work I’m just masking and that I have to go to my parents after work to help out so I’ll be masking there too. Just don’t want to talk to N about it next week when I have a session
Hi @Lottie5433, just wanted to check in with you as it sounds like you had a lot going on yesterday. It sounds like a really tough evening, and masking for so long must be so tiring. I understand that it must be difficult talking to N about the way you are feeling and the things that have happened, but talking to someone about it may make the weight of it all feel less heavy. You deserve to be supported.
I'm wondering how you are feeling today?
hi @Billie thank you for the message, I know I should talk to N but I just don’t want to think about it anymore really.
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to be honest I’m exhausted and tired just from all the masking I’ve been doing
hru doing today? lottie.
I do understand that, sometimes when everything is really overwhelming it feels like you just need to take a break from thinking about it all the time. Talking to someone can be really helpful, but it is also important to look after yourself and take breaks or rest when you can. It can be a hard balance to manage. I know it can be really difficult to rest when everything feels so heavy and exhausting, but I'm wondering if you will have any time to rest or do something for yourself today?