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  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Lol im an idiot  I texted counsellor to ask to cancel next week. Then said to ignore it. I can come. I just dont want i to be more than half way through/ 10 sessions
    ~Probably dead now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Discussion Boards Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    I think it makes a lot of sense that your counsellor would be pushing you to talk about things that upset you, that's part of what counselling is after all. That being said it's definitely understandable that having to go into detail about all that would be really upsetting and even triggering. Hopefully you're able to look after yourself and keep your spirits up until your next session.

    Your counsellor has undoubtedly dealt with a lot of different people with different problems over the years so I don't think she would be judging you. Is there any particular reason why you think she was? It can be easy to assume people are thinking badly of you but if there's no reason to think that it's important to give people the benefit of the doubt. I hope that makes sense. :)
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. She doesnt say anything to make me think otherwise. I just really hate myself & take while for me to believe anything else
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Also told her id make an appointment to start an anti depressants again. Always feel railroaded into doing that when i dont want to. But i said i would. Ill ask for any anti depressants that arent flouxatine or sertraline. She said because we only have 10 weeks left & can see how meds are within a few weeks. So i think she wants me feel better from the meds too. And im gunna feel worse if gets to 10 weeks and dont feel much better & dont want her to feel like was pointless but i feel so bad
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    All together i sleep about 11 hours a day. That cant be normal. 

    But i still have lots of time to be thinking about the abuse. I know is normal when in counselling but i feel just on my mind constantly now. 



    I keep thinking of being weak and giving up on my body too soon aswell as thinking about the last time i had contact with him (him admiting he forced sexual acts after i said no)

    Maybe TRIGGERING 

    Ive been thinking maybe its not completly impossible to just not wee for 3 days. And that it was me who weed on him and cant be forced. Cause my body. But i don’t know maybe not possible anyway. And then ive just been thinking about that how the longer i was there the more i gave up on trying to not wee on him, i still tried to not to but maybe not as much as first time. which sounds contradictive but then maybe that was a good thing because i think apart of his wee fetish was seeing people desperate to wee and that would be giving him what he wanted. I don’t know.  I want to stop thinking about it now
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    I cant stop thinking about it :(
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Omg i feel so bad
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Ffs i keep writing this then deleting it but this one will be posted. I feel so alone and bad so will just post. Probably Already think im dirty 😭😭😭😭😭😭

    i had a dream it happened again. But this time not him weeing on me. It was when i weed on him and in the dream i couldnt move at all. But then i actually weed myself in my sleep qnd lol this is so embarrassing to type but i feel sooo bad i cant take it. I literally feel as disgusted as i did then. Omg i want to die 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    ~Probably dead now
  • AoifeAoife Inactive Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    I've just been catching up on your last few posts and I'm so proud of you @Shaunie <3

    It's not easy to talk through abuse in therapy and it sounds like you're starting to open up a bit more which is a huge step. This is challenging, but you're trying and although you're halfway through your sessions, it's still okay to take your time. Have you spoken to your counsellor about how you're feeling about the sessions ending? 

    It's understandable for the abuse to be on your mind constantly at the moment. Often we block trauma out of our minds as a way to protect ourselves, and talking through it in counselling can trigger those feelings to come back which can be challenging to cope with as we haven't had the opportunity to process them before. How are you coping with this being on your mind at the moment?

    It sounds like you're feeling a lot of blame for what happened to you. Try not to blame yourself for what happened Shaunie, you did what you had to survive and that doesn't make you weak or dirty. It makes you brave <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    Thank you @Aife <3

    still 10 sessions which i gues is quite a lot and i havent said much in 10 sessions about the abuse but starting to trust her more so hopeful the rest will start getting more helpful. 

    i have weekend off work as hoilday. So thought id feel better but not really. I self harm alot when i woke up but feel bit better since then & try to clean the house on day off lol. 

    But im so proud of myself, im starting to speak and text more people. Im speaking to someone ive meet once on a friends meal called chloe and shes sooo nice and really easy to speak to. Ive started speaking to her cause she was a fb group but shes so nice and funny. Kinda scared to meet up with her though cause only meet her once lol but are planning to meet up and do some christmas shopping together. And im also going to meet another friend Sian and ive known her for ages so that should be good. And then im meeting my oher friend from school which was the last person i meet with and her other friends for her birthday but im too scared for that. But lol shes changed a lot cause shes muslem and used to never drink now shes like proper different lool


    ~Probably dead now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 33 Boards Initiate

    Hey @Shaunie

     

    It’s amazing how far you’ve come recently. Opening up about traumatic experiences is incredibly hard and you’re doing so well. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. 

     

    Hopefully now that you are starting to trust your counsellor more, you’ll be able to talk more about the abuse you went through in a more professional setting. It’s good that you still have 10 sessions left. Are you able to get more sessions if you feel like you need it afterwards?

     

    I’m glad to hear you’re getting out and seeing friends! Keeping busy and meeting new people is so important for mental health! 

     

    Hope you’re feeling better today and enjoy the rest of your weekend off! :)

  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Thankyou rachel

    now im scared to go to sleep
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    And now my sisters friend is asking if we could have few drinks out our house and then go on a night out. Thats not really something i can aviod. I hardly know my sisters friend but her friend really wants me to get involved with what they do but can tell my sister doesnt want me to steal her friends. I dont either tbh. I want my own life
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Ong i feel so bad. There really is no options. No one should be suprised if i die soon
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    Omg this morning i thought he deleted his instagram account cause it was sayingg 0 posts followers ect. I thought this is because of the evidence. But it was because i blocked him and must of changed how that works. 


    I cant stop fantising about death and how i could end it all in a matter of seconds. Ive hardly had any good days since he took all myy dignity and i neever will. And i will never even get justice. No one probably even believes me. Im going to show the counsellor those nessages too, of him admitting it

    Can i post them on here again, with his name in the screenshot? You can all tell him to kill himself 



    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    I really have a massive urge to send the screenshot just incase no one believes me but i know it will probably not be allowed or if would get points for it. But have massve urge to do it because i say "Youre admiting that you forced sexual acts - After i said “no” repeatiditly? This really isnt me asking so i can go to the police. I just want to hear/read you properly say it. So i know you atleast feel some remorse and to clear my head a bit would help"
    and he said "Yh and I'm honestly sorry" thats clear admitting it right ? I want to send it so can see that ita real and came from a real
    instagram account
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    Um im tempted to scare him and saying im going to the police with the message
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    Maybe i could briBe him with money. Get something out of it. Omg im pysho. 
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    I feel so bad i cant take it. Idk why.
    I dont want to leave my bed or do anything snd my family are strssing me out. Feels too much. I just want to die sooooo sooo much. Im fed up. I dont enjoy this life. Never will. 
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Why am i alive when i just end it all in seconds. With the chance that somethint is better after death. I mean this feels like hell so probably chance is. And no one would care
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    None of this matters
    Post edited by Siena on
    ~Probably dead now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    You don’t need to post any screenshots here, of course we already believe you. He’s admitting guilt by saying sorry but it’s a little too late for apologies isn’t it - I don’t think you’re dirty at all but I think he’s a disgusting person. It sounds like it would be a good idea to talk to your counsellor about it and show them the messages too like you said before - when’s your next session?

    Did you decide whether you’re going out with your sister and her friend? Don’t feel pressured into doing stuff you don’t want to, keep looking after yourself 💜

    sending you hugs
    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you lucy. Will probablymeet up with my sister and her friend. My sister told her i have MH problems cause theyre really close and she said we should help her to get out and socialise more. So she sounds really nice. 

    I keep having dreams now that im in public place and there are no toilets so then yeah im jusy thinking of humilation and not as horrible as the dreams with him in it. But still horrible. 
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    And loolll i had a dream i got sctrached by someone with dementia on the bus. Then i said as a joke "omg do i have dementia now" then i repeated it a few times as joke lol. But them i ended up being serious and got dementia 
    ~Probably dead now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Discussion Boards Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie, :heart

    Just wanted to pop on to offer you some hugs and let you know that we all really care about you here. 

    Do you want to chat some more about anything? :heart:

    Dreams can be scary sometimes, are the dreams something you have experienced before or is it a new thing?

    Also just want to echo what Lucy has said, we believe everything that you tell us :heart:

    Do take care :heart:
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I used to have dreams every now and then. But getting them every night now. Guessing its cause of counselling. Used to like sleep to escape:/
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Trying to aviod going to sleep. Im too tired tho. Feel will sleep soon:(
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    edited November 2019
    I really want to die. I feel serious. 
    I have a time limit of when embarrassing problem to get better by not soonish - not this year and after that i feel like i seriously will kill myself. But not nessicarly have a plan on how to do that. I just think im going to seriously give up soon. It all makes sense. No one knows what its actually like for me
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    Counsellor might be annoyed with me for not seeing my gp this week or going on meds :(. I cant afford it, im getting paid this week, otherwise i would. But im still scared that i will pay 8 pound a month to feel worse and tired
    ~Probably dead now
  • SienaSiena Inactive Posts: 15,759 Skive's The Limit
    I didnt mean i have plans to die btw. Not like anyone would care. I just meant i don’t know how to cope after trying 
    ~Probably dead now
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