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It's understandable to feel like change is impossible, particularly when you've tried and it doesn't feel like it can happen. Keep going and taking each day one at a time because it is possible and I really believe you're going to get there. You're so strong and brave and doing so well to keep reaching out for support.
You mentioned earlier that you had your peer support forum meeting and now you're starting to feel really bad. Are the two linked in any way? It sounds like a lot of pressure you were feeling being in a small group and not feeling comfortable to share what you wanted. I just wanted to say it's okay not to share anything, these things are hard and you're not alone in finding this difficult. It sounds like you were really listening to everyone's experiences which itself is a really strong skill to have, particularly for a peer support role. You also went along which not many people did and that's a strength too. If what happened today is linked to how you're feeling now, perhaps taking some time to think about three positive things from today might help a bit. I know sometimes it can be hard to think about what went well when we feel there are things that didn't go so well. I hope this helps. We're also here if you'd like to share a bit more about how you're feeling
If you're looking for something to watch on Netflix, I think you'd really like Pick of the Litter, it's a cute documentary about guide dogs! You might find some ideas to help with training Teddy .
Remember these places below are always available anytime you'd like a bit of extra support.
Keep fighting Shaunie
I think yesterday i did feel more worse from going to that forum thing. Im feeling tiny bit better today
Saw counsellor today. She asked me about what ive done this week and i was like well i got stuck in the bathroom and i didnt freak out too much considering the abuse that happened. He did make me do it in a bathtub on time but i just reasured myself that im by myself and there is a toilet can use. And said knowing id be late for work help hahah. And she said thats really good. But she said i must really hate work then lol & its good i found a positive in it. And said maybe im starting to find something positive more and i said dunno ah. Cause isnt being late negative lol. & was like i should be proud. & said if i feel proud but dont lol. Then started talking about things like hard to hear compliments ect. & building confidence to hear compliments properly. & she used my name today randomly which i like people doing lol
Last time i didnt write anything down to give to her but may try for next week. Its really a lot harder than it sounds:(.
Aw i really wanna watch that @Aife but then netflix wasnt working yesterday
I just thought that i'd leave you with a little message to see if you are feeling okay, or even better. I'm glad that you are still here though with us, we are here to support you whenever you need us, including all the people that are giving you some wonderful advice and sending lots of love ( @Past User , @*BananaMonkey* , @Past User , @Jade09 , @Past User , @Lucy307 , @Italia , @Aife , @Past User , @Past User ). EVERYONE is here for YOU
I'm also dealing with suicidal thoughts, and even though i don't have it as bad as you, everyday is a push and a struggle. I'm deeply sorry for you. And you have all my sympathy and respect, including everyone here
I really hope you get the support you truly deserve, you are an amazing part of this community. And we are all lucky to have one another. Take care of yourself @Shaunie. This isnt just coming from my mouth, but its coming from my heart.
Take care.
-Maddie
We understand that it's hard, but we are all strong enough to beat it, we just need to find the courage and resilience to do so.
Hope you are doing good - Along with everyone else, hope you are okay.
This applies to all! We are here for you!
The pain you're experiencing sounds incredibly tough to be going through. I just wanted to say how brave and strong you really are for continuing to reach out for support and fight through all of this. I can hear how hard it is when you're experiencing these feelings and I know there are days where it doesn't feel like it can ever get better. I really believe in you and everyone here does too. You're going to get through this. You're doing so well with your therapy, keep taking small steps. Whenever it's feeling difficult, we're always here for you and also these services below anytime.
How are you feeling today? I hope you're feeling a little better
Had the police visit yesterday even tho said i was fine. Always find that sooo embarraasing when they come //. I dont think my family was suprised they came tbh. Even more embarrassing is they came armed. Like ffs guessing thats because of the warning on my name just cause ive been tasered. Wasnt even my fault. Ugh. Like ffs you dont need to come to the door with a massive shield. Im not a harm to anyone else but myself. What must the neighbours think 😓
anyway they was nice and all ah & decided on ringing my gp. Feeling tiny bit better today.
Was suppose to today but woke up too late.
On a deep sleep dreaming i was killing myself, shame i woke up😭
but I will ring tomorrow cause will be home alone and will make an alarm. I will just say its for a meds review but dont want meds unless tiredness isnt a side affect. But i do want to say im not taking flouaxtine anymore. But im soooooo tired and really want to die. I find it really hard to say i want to die to my gp. Idk feels like it comes from no where but will try & try & say what i did the other day
anyways thanks for anyone who read this. Probs wont be posting much unless its general shit cause am too moody
i hope your not bothered by me not visiting often now. i'm having so many problems now, but i do hope you are good. i'd give you my support everyday, but each day so far is being more of a struggle for me.
And i know that feeling of police coming to the door a lot because of yourself... my parents hate me for it, but its not like i want it to happen, its not my fault i say i want to die sometimes.... But it must have been worse for you because they were armed.
Anyway, i'll try as hard as i can to come and visit, but i'm just saying, one day, i might not return for very long, since my parents love taking my devices and the internet for the slightest things. I feel as if i want to leave the house a lot more now, it just felt good that i left before, i felt free. But its not like i want to leave... Its like having the urge of wanting to die. i hope you get better Shaunie. Also, Im not getting any CAMHS worker. They are giving me this number for this service just in case i need to talk to someone. as if i want to talk to anyone else. I guess i didn't tell CAMHS everything, lol.
Hope you are good and well!
Take care.
- Maddie
still feeling shit. Had counselling. was able to give her peice of paper that said it was wee and that i hate my body everyday for it. I said rather you didnt read it out loud tho. But can say the word but i dont want to say it. Then started reading out blaming quotes. And asked what id do differently and said ill eapcase thro window but dunno if that would of been possible. So then i said i would of had more control over what i did .... which was wee on him. And she said he manipluated you to do that. & i was like i don’t know if thats the right word. So said forced. But then later she was like "you did it si you could leave". So i said no cause that sounds like manipluation. I didnt want to do it at all. And wasnt going to lose my diginty to just leave. Soooo she said shes really confused then on if i didnt do it to leave and i didnt do it cause i wanted to. I said it makes sense to me.
Um Obviously i did it cause my body had to wee and i had no control over that and i tried to but couldnt & wish i had more control ....but i couldnt say that to her to uncomfortable, i thought that would make sense. So left it at that and her being confused.
Now im confused on why she didmt get that???? What other possible reason would i do that??????? So in my head i just kept picturing being suffocated and having no control.( he didnt actually suffocate me) So when she asked whats going through my head now. I just said the dreams i have. And she said that sounds like a big thing but only have 5 mins left so didnt want to start it up. But said she said maybe it could shed some light on her confusion
why is she confused????????
now im just thinking shes confused because if i didnt want to do it to leave and he didnt manipluate me then i could of just not of done it cause no other reason???????
now im more confused than her
but was okay
realised its 20 sessions not 15. So got 5 extra that i didnt know about ah. On the 8th
Hey @Shaunie, how are you doing?
What in particular are you confused and feeling bad about? You have done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel at fault! I’m so sorry to hear that you self-harmed again. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time right now. I’m glad to hear you are going to counselling though. Do you think this is helping at all for you?
Spending time with your sister sounds like a good idea though! It’s always helpful to spend time with loved ones, especially when you’re going through a hard time. I agree though I prefer to sleep in my own bed as well!
Did you find ripping up the paper therapeutic for you in any way? I've heard this is helpful when you are struggling to process your emotions, especially after a traumatic/difficult event.
Have you considered taking time off of work? With everything you are going through, sometimes the best thing to do is to take time to heal and look after yourself as you’re well-being and happiness is the most important thing right now.
Im confused about why she is confus