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SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
edited October 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
my life is already over and theres no point living it. I just want to die
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey Shaunie, we don't think you're an attention-seeker at all <3

    I can just imagine the pain you're feeling. Take it at whatever pace you're comfortable with and focus on one day at a time. It sounds horrific for you to feel there's no options left and that your life's already over. What keeps you fighting? - some wish for your problems to stop, or Teddy...?

    You'll get through this, things can get better. Try to trust me. I know there'll come a point where you feel excited about life and can see a point, even if you're sure that won't happen.

    You're loved so much and I'm always here if you want to talk about anything. Sending so many hugs <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I dont want to anymore 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I know, it must be so awful <3

    If the urges are really strong (right now or ever), go to A&E or tell someone <3 You say you feel there's no options left, so I just wondered if you felt your problems could get better, would you want to live? I've heard you say before that you don't want to die but that the suffering is too much, is that true?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 33 Boards Initiate
    edited September 18
    Hey @Shaunie, how are you doing? 

    You are being incredibly strong for keeping going during this hard time. I hope you were able to take @Past User advice by considering talking to someone or getting professional help. Another option could be talking to the Samaritans? They are available 24/7 to talk about anything you are worried about. Their number is 116 123. 

    Things really can get better and I assure you, you can get through this. You are loved more than you even know. Please feel free to let me know how you get on. 

    Sending all of the love and support to you  <3

    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 496 Listening Ear
    edited October 2019
    Maybe go as an inpatient shaunie informally if your not feeling safe.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited September 18
    Sending you hugs @Shaunie <3 

    I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Everyone here has shared some lovely words of support and I just wanted to echo what they've already said and say how strong and brave you are. I know it might feel really difficult and has been feeling this way for a while now, but like @Past User said, keep taking each day one at a time and focus on those things that help you keep fighting. Things really can get better and remember we're here for you always. 

    I've been reading a new book recently called 'It's not ok to feel blue and other lies'. It's a really great book where lots of people write about their mental health, and Ferne Cotton said this 'It doesn't mean there is no light at all; we just can't see it. There will be people around you, good souls wanting to help.' I wanted to share that with you because sometimes it can be hard to see the light and at times it might seem impossible, but it is there and you will find it soon. There's also lots of people out there who really do care, you're never alone. 

    @Past User & @Past User have mentioned a few places you can reach out for further support. I remember you've found the phone calls with Samaritians helpful before and also your local sanctuary. I just wanted to mention them as well if you'd like some more support this week. 

    Keep us updated with how you're feeling, we're here for you <3
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2019
    Thank you all <3 

    *****TRIGGER WARNING ******

    i had awful night i was just about to kill myself but my sister walked in. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i know said i would try to kill myself when family around incase they walk in but thought unlikely and got deserpate, literally didnt wanna live another minute and thought was unlikely 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. I felt i had made up my mind. Im fine phyiscally cause i didnt hardly do anything. Only needed a few minutes 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. There was no way was going to hospital though. I know what would of happen- would of been like youre fine now it was an implusive thing, they dont care even when end up in resus so def wouldnt of cared and aways makes me feel more worse & worthless. I want to die all the time not implusive 😭😭😭😭. Tried to go santury but seemed they didnt want me. I felt i made up my mind so really shit to be here. I feel so fed up and awful i really want to leave. 😭😭😭😭


     now im sleeping in my sisters room  :(.  Feel just as awful as i did then but im safe :'(
    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm so sorry :(

    I'm really glad you're here. Maybe that sounds selfish in a way, but I hope you know how important you are <3 

    It sounds like this is torture for you and it's no surprise you want to leave. I understand it's your life and it's unbearable to feel so low, but please don't give up on yourself yet. You'll be okay, I promise <3 
  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 238 Trailblazer
    Hey Shaunie,

    Things are sounding particularly tough for you at the moment and your not getting the support you need. Does that sound about right? 

    I'm sorry to hear that you have reached out for help in the past and it hasn't gone well. It's always disappointing and can make it that much harder to reach out for help again when you know initially it can make you feel worse. It takes a lot of courage and strength to keep at it. Your all courage and strength Shaunie, even if you don't feel it - we see it here for sure.  <3 

    Thank you for keeping us updated, I am glad to hear that you are safe at the moment, please remember when you don't feel safe to call 999 or text crisis messenger by texting THEMIX to 85258. There are lots of other signposts in this thread from people to check out as well. It sounds like Sanctuary didn't go so well - do you have any other options for support at the moment? What about other organisations which have helped in the past?

    I know things are awful at the moment, there are plenty of places that care and are there to help with things are dark. Keep reaching out and keep us posted on how your doing. Your not alone, there is a whole community here who care about you. 

    Take care at the moment. 

    “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
    -     Brene Brown

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank yous <3

    i think santurary are normally okay. Maybe cause of what i tried to do & was getting a bit too late. 

    I feel soooo bad 😭😭 feel weak mentally and physically everythin feels like so much effort. Just want to sleep. But thank you all<3
    idek what to do anymore :'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Dont think my family actually care which is good. Dont wanna upset anyone
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I really empathise, sending loads more hugs. Things sound so hard for you <3 Would you like any help with thinking through options, or would you rather just talk at the moment? x

    As for your family, they may not seem to care, but they definitely would if you were gone. And I know I care <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    There is no options to talk about anymore:'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    There are. There's a way out. It might take difficulty or time but I think there are loads of options Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Sending you all the love @Shaunie. Just wanted to share one of my favourite quotes from 'Reasons to Stay Alive' (Matt Haig) "The hole you'd leave is bigger than the pain you suffer by being" - honestly think this applies to you, Shaunie. 

    Please reach out to us and/or any of the other support services if you're not feeling safe & could think about this as basing a permanent action on a temporary feeling. We REALLY care about you here and just hope this feeling passes. Until then, we're all here for you <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Thank you @Past User @Lucy307 @Past User @Italia @Aife  @Past User 
    really apprecate all kind words. Sorry didnt properly before <3 ijust feel soooo shit right now & like id be better off dead. 😭😭😭😭But thank you for caring. 

    Im still safe with my sister. We went out today but felt like massiveeeee drag to get up😓😓😓i just really want o stay in bed forever & just sleep. I feel so lazy an weak😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    i keep thinking oh maybe my sister does care. But yeah she clearly doesnt. When things like this happen & then massive elephant so will not speak ever again about it. How is that normal.  Maybe cause she know would be dismissive anyway but i dk would still be nice to atleast try to speak to me. Also i remember the first time i ever tried to kill myself. So it was a massive deal. I saw Camhs & had a meeting with my family. And we agreed that i would text to my sister "can you come here" as code for i really need help cause am feeling unsafe. I did it once when she was in the garden & i was in my room or something .... she said she couldnt be bothered to move. Has put me off for life to ever reach out to my family. She either knew but didnt care or Maybe she forgot the code thing. Whatever reason is bad. Wouldnt forget something like that if you cared


    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sending you the biggest hugs - I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this low at the moment <3

    I know it didn't feel like it but you going out is absolutely incredible and brave - even if you wanted to stay in bed you still did it and you should feel so proud of yourself.


    I'm so sorry that you're feeling like your sister doesn't care. Maybe she is just scared to bring it up or unsure what to say, would it help you if you tried to bring it up to her instead? Or is there someone else in your family that you could bring it up to?


    Remember you're never alone - you always have us! We really do care about you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie :heart:

    Just wanted to reply to send you some hugs and let you know we care and are here for you :heart: 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Im feeling less wanting to die than last weekend but still pretty intense thoughts 😞
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Hey Shaunie,

    I hope you are feeling a bit better, How has today been?  <3

    Any medication can definitely have side effects and I can hear that it has been affecting your sleep and its patterns. Understandably that must be frustrating and would be impacting your day negatively. It may be worth seeing your GP again and talking them through the medication, and any problems that you are having with it. It may be that you need to swap, have different dosages etc but they will talk through that with you.  :3

    I hope this has been helpful!

    Jade x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm glad you've been wanting to die at least a bit less than last weekend Shaunie. Thoughts of death are really distressing <3 How have you been feeling, still dealing with the same stuff that's been going on or has there been anything new (good or bad)?

    Do you know what they're planning on doing if fluoxatine keeps waking you up and not giving you any positive effects?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I really want to kill myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    Hey @Shaunie I'm so sorry to hear how low you are feeling at the moment and that you want to kill yourself. You are taking such a positive step and you should feel proud of reaching out on here when you are feeling distressed and by going to your GP as well.

    If you are feeling unsafe, please remember that you can always call 999 or message The Mix Crisis Messenger by texting THEMIX to 85258. 

    How would you feel about mentioning your current mood and the side effects of fluoxetine to your GP in your next review meeting? 

    I just want to say that you are being so incredibly strong and courageous and we are all here to listen to you and support you in whatever way we can. 

    Sending you lots of hugs <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Im gunna try and see if i can pick up presciption tomorrow if cant then guess will make an appointment but if can i dont think ill bother with the appointment. Theyre just so dismissive and wouldnt care about side affects. Apperently my county is worst place for gp pratices in whole of england. And then the worst gp near me is apperently the one im at lol


    tomorrow ive got a peer graduate forum thing to go to. Which i have no idea what that means. I always thought forum meant online but guess not lol. I dont have to get up that early. But when ive been waking up and leaving my bed pretty late it will be early. But only for 2 hours hopefully can surivie it lol. Dont really know what its about tbh ah. Obviously about peer support worker stuff
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sooo fedup of being alive. Makes me literally feel agitated because i just want to leave 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Think i just wont bother actually fed up of trying anti depressants they always make me more tired which has massive impact on how you feel. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Just finished at the peer worker forum thing. Only 2 other people actually turned up. And omg i just hate when that happens feels more pressure to speak. So i barely said anythint plus i didnt know anything. Cause it was mostly going through their actual interview questions and how to answrr it. The other two have had a few inerviews but wasnt susccessful so they could kinda speak about what they said and where went wrong ect. But i havent even applied for any so i felt i was just listening and lol hated it. Was too anxious to say anything rven it wanted. Cause like you know when you get so quiet saying anythint will shock people and bring attention lol. So Barely said anythng other the heyy and thank you and bye. Loll. Omg i dont think im that shy all the time otherwise i will literally get no where in life
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie,

    Really positive that you've completed the peer worker thing :smile:

    How are you doing?
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