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want to die

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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hurts me to know someone feels and thinks those things. Nobody deserves that and to be without help during it. You might not want help right now, but if you start to feel like you need it there are people you can turn to. You say happiness is rare, it is for me too, I think it's really important to think about what does make you happy and chase it however you can. I love my sister so much that I can be rock bottom and sometimes just being around her is enough to make me feel better. Whatever it is that can distract you from these feelings, I hope you get it :)
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    They gave me anti sickness but I'm still feeling very sick. 

    Please someone speak to me or reply :'( I've had awful day :'( I really want to die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Please someone speak with me :'( I have no one. I'm so sad :((
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    My family seems that they was more worried about teddy than me. No one cares so wouldn't matter if I died
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,147 Part of The Furniture
    I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful day @Shaunie . Sending you hugs ❤️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thank you. I'm still freezing cause I'm wet. But my parents are not letting me in shower by myself or even in room. So I'm in wet, stained clothes. Feeling very cold & sick. They're telling me to eat but I really can not eat. My stomach is too raw from what I did :'(
    I've already was sick at lot that's probs why my blood tests was fine. They did give anti sickness but I'm still feeling really sick :'(

    im feeling very sorry for myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I don't want to be sick again :'( I've been sick too much already today :'( i feel like going to be sick fml worst feeling
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,147 Part of The Furniture
    Try and take little sips of water buddy , just little sips of water and maybe just some dry toast I think is best for when your being sick
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Guess who just rang me ://// hospital ringing me saying they have my house keys..... um I did say. They was like "are you at home-did you manage to get in" and I'm just trying to be as nice as I can but yeah couldnt help but say "um well yeah after security threw me out ,by concioence my parents was just about to go home". They said they're going to drop them off. . 😒

    The only thing that is making me laugh right now is. Basically the police and ambulance came so the door was opening a lot. We thought Teddy ran away. Because they was shouting his name , saying "treats" and all sorts. They said they looked everywhere in house so the police spent a while walking around and knocked on doors saying have lost the dog lol. Neighbours was probably thinking "can you call the police for dogs". Haha They gave up in the end and told me when they meet up with me at hospital. So there's me thinking the whole time "teddy has ran away. He's too stupid and probably dead now or stolen" so this made me feel worse. When my dad got home Teddy cane running down the stairs 😂. He must of been hiding somewhere from hearing shouting and hearing me being tasered and from all the noise. Aww he gets scared so easly and hides and freezes. I'm so happy he's not lost. Cause I was thinking it the whole time
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Would be tasered make me feel this sick:(. Lots of Wire came out of the taser
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    I don’t know what to do anymore. I really want to die :'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    And I've flagged the mix to delete my first message where I say what happened today because it sounds just awful. And I'm embarrassed & just want to say I'm not usually that much of an angry person- hospitals make me agitated aswell as Something else. &I'm feeling really bad about it now and just thinking if I was sat there as someone's else and saw that it would of been horrible to see aswell and I'm feeling really bad :'( but tbf I Feel was treated like shit too but maybe should of stayed calm but only harmed myself 

    i really dont know what to do anymore I can't carry on. May not use this place anymore or may, I'll put on my account soon if I do. But I feel too much in dark place to be here. 
    I seriously want to die :'(. No one knows about ALL of my problems (can't say -too embarrasin, some of my problems are embarrasin but still say - this is beyond it) it's probably why no one hears how bad I feel. But there is no escape from it but to die. And I'm not saying I have plans & im definetly safe right now. But I really feel like I can't keep myself safe when by myself anymore & can't see myself living much longer
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    & today. Felt like I wasn't even in My own body.

    The thing I say that affects me but never say what.  Affect every single day and most social stuff so there is no way out from it & im fed up of being paraniod and what not about it. And for that reason & all the other shitty things I've said, I'm out. 

    This may get deleted but shouldn't but this is just suicidal thoughts (every suicidal thoughts means v likely gong to do it otherwise wouldn't think it ) I'm safe and don't have plans. But feeling as bad as I do now - I think it's only a matter of time til I will be dead. 

    And Decide I will be not using here anymore and I don't want help anymore. I'm beyond it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭no I really can't do it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep seeing myself killing myself in a quiet public area now. But I'm safe and have no plans. 
    please someone help me. Just waking up crying and thinking of ending my life. I don't want to be here , really dont. And I don't think anyone cares or taking me seriously. But please don't ban me I've been trying as best as can to stay within guidelines but this is how I feel. I have no one to speak to & banning me wouldn't make me reach to crisis places when no one wants to help me but maybe ban me so I can just go kill myself. 
    It really hurts:'( I keep thinking death is probably painful but whole life time of pain over a few seconds is nothing

    but i don’t know why I care so much about how my family would feel to see me when yesterday they literally cared more about the police telling them the dog was missing and they was looking for him and was crying about the dog and that's all they spoke about last night. (They was looking for him out side for ages before going in the house to realise he wasn't even missing - then came to see me in hospital) Then they was like "oh yeah we was worried about you too."
    so I guess it's nice to know my family wouldn't care. 


    What do I do now? I didn't say much to crisis team cause I felt too sick to be completly honest about how I feel& was blunt to get it over and done with but they really didn't care and no one does 
    I don't get what to do:'(
    keep crying over the fact I thought I wouldn't be alive today but here I am
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Please help me. I don't want to live another day but I'm safe with family 😭😭😭😭😭😭can't even breath properly. What do i do?:(. I don't think even my gp would care 😭😭😭😭. I feel like just staying in bed & not moving & doing literally nothing & pretending I don't exist
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Please help. I keep crying 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I'm not in crisis So please don't hint that becauseyou don't want me on here 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I swear crisis team blocked me out as soon as they realised I have BPD/EUPD Diagnosis. Was basically speaking about how my thoughts of killing myself will never go away and I will always be self harming & trying to kill myself so basically not a crisis & they cant help me forever cause they're only short term service so couldn't offer anything. But Sometimes I do get periods when less actively trying to die so it's whatever no one cares. We only started speaking about the diagnosis cause I said I don't have it so no point looking at my history ect cause all load of shit. 
    well if that is what the diagnosis means I def don't want to live

    im about 100% sure I would of been offered support without the diagnosis

    I think the only times I've been sectioned or been under crisis teams is when I only had diagnosis of depression when had none of this EUPD shit. I don't even have EUPD 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Oh & before anyone thinks I'm worst person in the world. The sercuirty wasn't called because of how I was acting. They called them because I said I was gunna stay here cause wasn't going in the rain with how I was looking like someone would probably ring the police if they saw me walking in the street like how I looked plus no shoes. They rang sercuirty cause I said I'll just stay here. I only got angry cause they called sercuirty & wouldn't help me or give me my keys or look properly for my keys & they wouldn't let me sit there til it was later where my parents would be in and they was speaking to really rudely. I keep thinking about it cause
    I'm feeling really bad. :'(
    care what people think of me
    its not really how you treat someone who was clearly already distressed 

    should get over it but I'm not
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Ed_Ed_ Moderator Posts: 1,551 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sounds like a really challenging weekend for you, hope that you are doing okay. Try not to feel bad about what happened, you were in crisis, it's not always possible to react to things in exactly the way we want to in these moments. Try to think around what you would say to someone else if they felt bad about these things - we are often more compassionate to others in the same situation, but the hardest thing is to show that same compassion to ourselves. 

    It can be frustrating when it feels like the support services are treating people differently based on a diagnosis, particularly at times when they are needed the most, i wonder, have you considered finding an advocate? They can help you in a number of ways, but one thing they can do is to help you understand what your rights are, and can support during conversations around finding the right treatment. Sometimes having someone in your corner can help you find the strength to ask for what you need/want, which can be really tough in the moment when things feel bad. 

    Also, just adding a few crisis resources in a spoiler, just so they are here if you need them:
    • If you ever feel in immediate danger, call 999 to seek help
    • Text our Crisis Messenger by texting TheMix to 85258 to speak to someone any time of the day
    • Call the Samaritans on 116 123 to speak to someone about how you are feeling any time of the day. They also have some online services here. In some branches, they offer a service that you can visit them in person. 
    • Papyrus have a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays and 2pm – 10pm weekends. You can call them on 0800 068 4141

    Do keep reaching out and sharing how things are for you, we are all here for you. It can be hard to fully open up about what is making you feel this way, but we are here to listen and support if/when you feel ready :3

    Take care and stay strong,

    Ed
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.

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    mags98mags98 Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Hi @Shaunie

    How are you feeling now? 

    Sorry to hear how you are feeling, it sounds like a very distressing situation to be in and I can't even imagine what it's like but I'm glad you are safe. Sending you hugs <3 

    Shaunie, you have become a big part of the discussion board, I've only been on here a few months but I see you commenting on so many posts giving such great advise and being so supportive. I think I speak on behalf of everyone here and hope for you to stay strong, I'm more than sure you have made a positively great impact on many people's lives without even realising. 

    Don't worry about being banned from here, these boards are here for people to speak about how they are feeling or issues they are having (and many more). Also since you said you're trying to stay within the guidelines just shows you wouldn't be doing it maliciously. 

    You are doing so well, you should be proud of yourself. We are here for you. We don't think you are the worst person in the world, no body is an angel we all have our moments and no one's judging. 

    I know you didn't want people to mention crisis so I found an alternative (that doesn't use the word crisis) for when you are feeling like Samaritans aren't helping. It's called Papyrus and they specialise in young suicides, you can call on 0800 068 4141 or text: 0778 620 9697. (here is the website if you fancy having a read about them https://papyrus-uk.org/).By no means it's trying to get rid of you just in case you are in need of talking with someone and the discussion boards are a bit quiet. 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thank you very much @Ed_  and @mags98 <3

    It's also cause the crisis person kept making out like I get triggered, get intense moments so I try to kill myself but then feel fine later.  And kept asking what triggered me. Um nothing did. I'm constantly thinking of dying I was just home alone.  That's her "Emotionally unstable" (EUPD) assumptions. She basically kept saying I can't control my emotions. It's not that. I'm depressed and I'm always thinking of dying. She told me to look into EUPD. 😒It's not something random that made me wanna die I think about it all the time and still thinking of it. I don't have it ffs. & she read my notes & talked about support have now & she talked about using here for support. But was just thinking well I can't say half my thoughts I want to here cause probs am in crisi

    Ive not given much thought into finding an advocate but dk. Don't know if have any energy to try to only get disappointed or should use my energy to die as seems safer option but thank you

    I'm just really sad :(

    (Also idm speaking about crisis alternatives cause I do get into crisis when self harming or trying to die. But I meant like I don't want to get banned so I don't want to be seen as in a constant crisis or being constantly unsafe cause I'm safe rn cause with my family a lot of times & never do anything attempts when they're at home.but Yeah idk what I meant by that comment tbh lol but I'm probs am in some sort of crisis)

    but i wish my family wasn't suffocating me today. 

    I feel like trauma is thing mostly affects me when i know reality somewhere in Brain I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.& I feel sorry for myself tbh 
    im seeing rape crisis again on Wednesday is only every 2 weeks but i dk if feel comfortable with her but only seen her once. But dk AM kinda scared to leave house by myself as dunno if will keep myself safe once away from family. 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019

    & this stuff may be triggering. I hope this is allowed. 
    Did just put a massive trigger warning in caps but yeah that made the post look more triggering lol. So this is just a warningit could be triggering even tho it's within guidelines (I think/hope)
    So if I'm honest. - so I called the police or abulance (can't remember which now) having intention after that call I was going to do something that would kill me in seconds - I did things before to help what I was Gunna do but I didn't have the courage to actually do the thing to kil me. So then that made out that is what I did to try to kill myself. Even tho that was all was extreme- my intentions wasn't to die from all of that - cause I know thats just unlikely (striaght way or at all) - was suppose to help my plans & intentions. But after that phone call I started being sick. Then after that I thought i was gunna do it but something stopped me. It's not how it happened in my dreams:(.so then I tried different method but it wasn't working physically. The police and amubalnce came very quickly. (I called them so they could find me dead. ). And yeah I think we all know the reason why you get tased ,so that happened.

    And its just looks like a call for help but my intentions was to do something that was going to make me die before they got there. And the crisis person also made it out like the things I did was the attempt when it wasn't cause I know that wouldn't kill me striaght away anyways. And then made out like I called the ambualnce for help.
    But I really couldn't be bothered to explain it to her when I felt so sick
    And yeah clearly no one understood my plans anyways. So then after I was thinking "okay something stopped me - maybe I don't want to die - maybe someone can see how bad I feel and can help me". But yeah looks like no one can anyways. So I do want to die & should of just done my intentions. Just nothing can help now & crisis person made out like it's just my life now cause of diagnosis. So maybe knowing that will make me have the courage to do it next time.

    Im safe & don't have plans. Really want to die though :'(


    edited by moderator

    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,313 Part of The Furniture
    edited July 2019
    For what it's worth @Shaunie, it's a wonderful thing that you're alive and I'm glad we still have you as part of this community. :star: 

    Just to summarise what you said there (and to check I'm understanding you correctly): you did some things to prepare for an attempt on your life, didn't go through with that attempt, but then emergency services misinterpreted that preparation as the attempt itself when they arrived - is that right?

    Just nothing can help now & crisis person made out like it's just my life now cause of diagnosis. So maybe knowing that will make me have the courage to do it next time.

    Reading your other post, it sounds like that diagnosis isn't sitting right with you. Given that, it might be worth considering whether this voice is worth listening to. You know yourself, and it's worth trusting your own intuitions about your mental health.

    Also, if that was just your life now, would you still have moments like this?

    So then after I was thinking "okay something stopped me - maybe I don't want to die - maybe someone can see how bad I feel and can help me".

    It looks like there's a flicker of hope inside you here @Shauinie. Even if you don't awlays trust it, that means there's a part of you still fighting against all this and wanting to be here. Given everything you're battling right now, that's no small thing, so I wanted to acknowledge that.

    I'm not alone in being immensely proud of you for choosing to stay - that's not a decision you had to make, but you did, and you did because you're a strong and amazing human. And just in case you need to hear this: the world is a better place with you in it. :star:
    Post edited by JustV on
    The truth resists simplicity.
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie,

    Just wanted to send you some massive hugs and say that i'm glad you are here and really do hope you feel better soon  <3

    We are here for you,

    Butterfly x
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thank you @Mike and @Butterfly23  <3


    And yeah mike that is right. The miss understanding is probably why it was seen as cry for help but i didnt even have energy to bother explain. I did explain to police tho. The police changed people when keeping an eye on me in hospital and told them. The police are alwayssss so much nicer than hospital. Even if did taser me lol

    I've been obviously thinking a lot about  Sunday & my thoughts that I had. & I know no one probably believes me but it's genuinely wasn't a cry for help & I genuinely thought I was going to do it after the phone call. I cleared my room out and everything. And I just don't know anymore. Like why didn't I just do it. & just been thinking that it's probably a painful way to die and maybe that's what stopped me and need different method but ain't every way painful
     I feel confused but not because I don't think my life will get better. I feel may just become a stastic eventually so why wait when all I'm doing is feeling bad. Dk. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    I guess we seek help but only ourselves can save ourselves. I've tried and not sure what I can do for myself anymore. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    And crisis person was saying i have here for support (the mix). Which yeah helpful but I feel I need different crisis kind

    But I guess no one carEs. And like said gues only can help myself. Idk I'm just so sad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'm safe though
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    We all care here Shaunie 💗
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I feel so awful:'(:'(
    just had another dream that I killed myself but with different method :'( my dreams even just tell me.
    I see rape crisis today. Don't really want to tbh cause I kno I'm gunna feel v bad if I don't speak about it again & waste her time. & tbh I'm not comfortable with every 2 weeks feels like nothing & I don't want to open up to someone to then feel back to being alone with it again for another 2 weeks. That's like twice every month. Maybe just ungrateful but just how feels. I think I'll be able to keep myself safe leaving house by myself anyways though but I feel soo bad. I kinda just want to be dead without having to do much myself & without anyone unexpectedly finding me/traumatising anyone. I'm so sad i don’t know what to do with myself 😭😭😭. Also keep thinking about what happens after death. 😭😭😭
    & having lots of thoughts about dying that I can't share.& I ain't using Samaritans anymore cause they have just made me feel worse. And my family been arranging so I'll never be home alone right now 😭😭😭 whether I can stay safe by myself or not. That is gunna make me feel so much worse. I tried to convince them that I'm fine and they literally just laughed:/. They ain't doing it cause they care. they just feel they have to do it and to make themselves feel better.
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    I did think about contacting Maytree again  (place in London stay for few days when suicidal to speak to them - have to have few phone calls before they decide if suitable). I have tried before but they said I didnt speak enough and that I had no support for when I would leave ( since would feel bad to speak to someone & then leave then feel more alone having no one again) but thought if I say I see rape crisis they'd let me. I feel lot more better on phones so I think I'd speak more but it seems impossible now i won't be home alone any time soon cause only time I'd feel comfortable speaking on phone. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Am walking to rape crisis. Is at 10am. 

    And this is weird
    samaritans sent me this. 

    I didnt even send them a message for them to say that. Just random. Maybe it's because I've been saying they just completely ignore disgusting things. But clearly a burden cause doubt they do that a lot. It says on their website ALL messages go to any branch. I'm confused



    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    There is literally no point anymore. I couldn't say anything all we did was speak about nothing and nothing about abuse and I just couldn't physically say it cause I know She would just think I'm dirty. 
    She said it's okay if dont want to speak about it. Um I do want to speak about it it's just hard so don't just drop it and speak about something random just cause I haven't said it within seconds
    feel bad and disappointed in myself

    I don’t know what to do but don't really want to live. I'm so sad

    i can't really see my self telling her so i don’t know anymore. 

    Everything just too dirty and feel have to keep to myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I cant take it anymore 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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