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want to die

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    I hate myself so much :'(. She probs think am wasting her time. I feel so bad. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. Im safe cause decide to get on a bus even tho I can walk home lol. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
     
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Well I tried to write how I feel but it's within the disgusting range so I deleted it. No one wants to hear. Samaritans have literally made it so my text messages only reach one branch which means slower replies. So they're taking forever to reply compare to normal. 

    So im guessing that's cause no one wants to hear disgusting stuff so willsupport less and reply less. I literally don't know what to do.   No one understands.
    I really want to die :'(😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    And I never answered but I can't speak to them about my diagnosis. I have done many times and the more I do the more the just see indenial as EUPD too lol. I was diagnosed when I was in hospital under section. Um well anyone could show EUPD/BPD symtopms when in hospital because every emotion is intensified when locked up and they throw that diagnosis around when I clearly just have depression. It's like oh you feel sad, have felt sad for awhile now and you self harm. You must have BPD. Like um okay what about depression. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    It's like when I was on work experience I literally heard a health professional say "she got angry because she was given a plastic cup in hospital and now they're giving her diagnosis of EUPD, they can not just keep throwing that diagnosis around- it's dangerous" like I remember her convo so clearly. I wasnt apart of the chat lol but it's so true. They do throw it around esp in hospital I think. 

    And Its a shame that when I ended up in A&e there wasn't a peer support worker with her. Probably because it was a weekend but peer support worker work in A&e s now for that. And PSW do not talk or look into diagnosis only do what they see. And never make assumptions from diagnosis like she did. & that's one reason why PSW exist cause they help the other health professionals understand better. So I should of told her that and to stop speaking about the symptoms of a diagnosis when I'm my own person 

    she told me i I should get a job as a peer support worker to distract myself. I think I'd be a mess and get very triggered if I did that right now tbh
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    Sounds difficult and that's perfectly understandable. I have nothing that could compare to your current situation but with things I find difficult to talk about, it's easier to write everything down before hand.

    I dont suppose you have your support workers email? It might help to sit down and write down the things that upset you about it, how and why it makes you feel dirty and how you're upset with yourself for not being able to talk about it. Having it all out there will help you know youre making progress, and will allow her to ask you important questions and support you appropriately. I think most of all that she just wants you to feel comfortable.

    I doubt it helps to hear, but I dont think you're dirty at all. Just wish you felt better and got the help you need and deserve.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thanks. I only have her number but probably shouldn't write it there. I don’t know. Her conversation was lead to more about ways to cope. I feel I've literally heard every way going and was getting bored. And made out like we can spend every session on ways to cope. Like fml please no. I've done all that shit already. I came here to speak about abuse - that would help me to cope just getting it out.
    I did say I've heard probably all the ways to cope but she was still going on & on lol

    But yeah maybe it's because she's read the referral and she doesn't want to speak about it either
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    These people are professionals and are there to help you however you need,  but that's not to say that they dont have basic methods for talking - making sure people know "how to cope" is important so that they dont get into worse positions. But as you've identified you dont feel like that will help you since youve already gone over it a lot before. Its huge positive that you know you want to talk about abuse though, even if it's difficult. It might take a lot of courage to get that sentiment out there but you'll be better for it in the long run. 

    Maybe you can ring her and ask for her email? Then you'll have a clear plan for what to do. Sit down, draft an email explaining all of these thoughts and ask if shed be able to accommodate what you need? :) 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    I don’t know. I'm scared she will think I'm attached.

    And Who would want to listen to the fact someone's been forced to pee on someone and He peed on me and then hear about how peeing affects everyday life. It's a bit of a fucked up convo to have I guess. & embarrasing for her aswell.  And would make her feel cringe and disgusting  so I guess no way out, 😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    I am not experiencing the exact same things as you Shaunie, but I understand how it feels to feel alone and like no one wants to hear what you are saying. 
    You have my support x  <3
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    If wanting to find a way to work through your problems is being attached then I must not be seeing something. 

    As for the specifics of what's making you feel dirty - the peeing. I'll say it that it doesn't bother me, like it wouldn't bother any other reasonable adult. Anybody I had a duty of care to, like she has to you, I would want to be honest with me about whatever they're feeling so that we could find a way through it. 

    I have some more thoughts on it, you might not like them, but if you want to hear them then I'll be completely honest.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Mia_moo and @Spook98

    i could maybe write it then give it. I don’t know://. Two weeks time til see her next... cant see my self surviving that long. 

    I think face to face it's more harder to speak about that. Those words out loud sound more dirty. 

    & yeah can be honest. Maybe someone clarifying I'm dirty will help me feel less confused on if my thoughts are right or not. Unless you think I'm probs actually some 40 year old man liar with fetish of pee (someone told me that online before) 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
    @Shaunie

    I think your feelings of being dirty are entirely your own, and that in saying other people will think the same about you, that you're projecting your own feelings on to them. The acts themselves and how they're affecting your life and the way you feel about yourself are significant of course. But I don't see the specifics of it, I see someone who was forced to do something they didn't want to and is struggling to cope with that abuse weighing on them. 

    Same as usual really, I just want you to feel better and I dont want you to have those kinds of thoughts about yourself. But I'm also aware that makes me a hypocrite, it's not easy to change how we've felt about ourselves for such a long time. 
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie, this is a safe space and if you want to open up or say any more, no one here will be judging you <3 we're all here for you. Don't think you are dirty and can't imagine you could say much to make that change. We have all done things we are not proud of for one reason or another so, again, no judgement here.

    Really sorry to hear how much pain you're feeling at the moment but I'm glad you are still here and still talking. We honestly really care about you here and want to support you to feel better than you do at the moment. 

    Sending you hugs and support <3<3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Spook98 & @Lucy307 <3
    im so sad. I wish could just say everything without fear of not being judged.
    & i feel really fed up right cause I can't breath properly & feel like I'm getting used to not breath properly. But Tonight is v bad. I don't think is anxiety. Wish I wasn't breathing at all. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    @Shaunie you are not alone in this  <3 It's the most awful feeling and feels like it will never go away and you want a way out but know we are all here to support you through it. It may not feel like it but you are doing so well expressing your feelings, by staying open you can feel less alone  <3
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aww Shaunie, I'm so sorry to hear how hard and awful things have been for you.

    You've talked a lot of wanting to die, so I wanted to offer a gentle reminder. There is hope. I truly believe you have so much to live for - you can do a lot for the world, you are and will be so important in people's lives, you'll achieve great things, the list goes on. You can be able to find happiness and live a fulfiled life, and you'll see a reason for carrying on again. I know from experience that you may not feel that way. I think when we can't see meaning in life or are in extreme pain, it can be pretty much impossible to believe it. There's a way out and your life has so much worth, I really hope that you can stay safe :heart:

    How can we support you? We all really value you and would love to help however we can.

    I've got to go to sleep now haha, so I'm sorry this was short. Just wanted to send some love and say that I'm thinking of you :heart:
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    ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 3,969 Community Veteran
    Try 'shout' itts a text service 85258. They make u work out wat ur feeling
    Crazy mad insane
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    ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 3,969 Community Veteran
    Tht also work for 'the mix' too. Txt those words to tht number and ull start chatting. To stop receiving texts wen ur ready txt 'stop'
    Crazy mad insane
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    ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 3,969 Community Veteran
    I h8 myself too
    Crazy mad insane
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thank yous. And I'm not allowed to use shout/crisis messengers atm cause I've been using too much recently so they said I can't right now.
    Literally just think every support I do have now will just go anyways even Samaritans have change how they support me over text cause I use too much. like who thought that was possible. I think I'm being annoying now and everyone's fed up of me and probably wishes I was dead too. Just a complete burden

     literally struggling to breath constantly & it doesn't even feel like panic attacks. I think maybe it's stress and from my anxieties around daily things. Idek but I cant cope. My body feels dirty 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    @Shaunie It must be a horrible feeling to feel that way. You aren't being annoying here though, here to support and make you feel a bit better x 
    Do you have any strategies for coping a bit easier with the anxiety attacks? X
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Thanks but Nothing is helping my breathing right now. I think my struggling to breath might actually be from anemia. But the doctors said it wasn't that last time I saw them but think maybe now. Whatever it is. I'm really fed up & cant get out of bed cause it's too hard to breath 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    If you are really struggling to get out of bed because of the breathing and you are worried about anaemia, maybe you should call someone?  <3 
    Could you maybe try calling the doctors or 111 for advice? It's better to be sure x
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks. But times I've rang 111 before they tell me to go walk in centre or A&E. I go to walk in centre for them to say nothing wrong and to see my gp. My gp just gave me propranolol when not anxiety. In bed feeling sorry for myself. 

    I feel dirty normally would of had shower by nowbut hard to breath. But no point anyway . Doesn't help me feel clean. Am dirty inside 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Mia_mooMia_moo Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    Everyone is allowed to have those bad days in bed sometimes x
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    My eating disorder thoughts keep being really loud so keep trying to avoid food but I swear my sister get a sense when I get those thoughts. We are twins lol so maybe. I sometimes don't eat much and that's not really cause of my thoughts just don't feel like eating much and my family are okay with it.  But when my thoughts are telling me not to eat it suddenly family forcing me to eat it. It's like they can tell/sense. I think last nights dinner went to my heart and now I have a fatty heart and that could be why I cantbreath properly. Cause my dad also just tried giving me rolls to eat right now. But looking at them makes me hard to breath because it's mostly after eating makes it harder to breath because I think i Could have like diabetes or something or have a fatty heart. I'm underweight. But if you've ever seen "fat vs thin" one episode the larger person had nothing wrong with heart while thin person had a fatty heart. I think it's all going to my heart. But maybe that would of shown up on blood tests but maybe gotten worse
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Peeing is dirty. I can not stand myself😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Sorry your struggling so much Shaunie 💗 sending massive hugs. I know you can get through this x
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Shaunie ignore @animallover20 it was a horrible thing to say, we don’t hate you 💗 you have just as much right as anyone to say how you are feeling 😊x
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