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want to die

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
edited July 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
 I keep seeing myself killing myself. :/

Started seeing rape crisis but dont think they can help me cause I couldn't say what happened or even say what triggers me (very specific). I'm too dirty and I don't want to be in my body. I finished my training as a peer support worker. I'm suppose to be doing something with my peer support training but I guess I wasted NHS time cause I'm not bothering to even look properly at the jobs out atm let alone their other stuff can help with & spoke to tutor recently saying about next steps but feel like just lied cause don't wanna even be alive. I guess am just a waste. I don't think anyone will want support from someone that's dirty /nobody anyway would just be annoying for them. 

(I'm safe rn)
Just don't think any reason to live and don't want to be in my body. Nothing matters & everything feel empty.my family would be better without a burden
& I started writing more but no one would understand so deleted 
and feel like no one hears when I say how bad i feel so i don’t know why I'm posting this I just know I don't know/do know cant cope much longer. I just feel gong to be dead soon. Sometimes feel v distressed thinking about ending my life.  Sometimes I feel happy & peaceful when thinking about killing myself. People say do what you think will make you happy

“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 281 The Mix Regular
    Hey
    Sorry to hear that.
    We all say things to others especially in professional responsibilities that may not necessarily be true but we say it to make things easier for us or to meet expectations.  Thats ok because we need to do that. Almost everyone does.

    If you are having thoughts of something like killing yourself, train yourself to observe thoughts let them be. Otherwise trying to cope is there but i get that isnt easy.. there are only so many distractions out there but i think it is important to do something or talk to someone occasionaly. Dont force yourself to do anything though that aint great.

    But mostly want to wish you are gonna be ok, stay safe! 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    Hey @Shaunie


    I am so so sorry that you've been feeling like this - the dreams sound awful!


    Are you talking to people about how you're feeling? Are you able to talk to your family?


    It might feel like people aren't listening but we definitely are and we are all here for you so keep chatting to us <3


    Mind is an amazing charity where you can meet likeminded people and get some support from professionals so if you haven't already, maybe you can have a look here and see if there is a local Mind in your area: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you


    but I don’t know how safe I can keep myself today 


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I don't want to die today. I'm on way to Samaritans. Is bad I already used them twice last week. Maybe I shouldn't. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    @Shaunie their there to help you buddy , so proud of you for even preparing to go xx Huge hugs your doing so well 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    hey @Shaunie
    I'm so sorry to hear what you're experiencing right now.

    I'm really proud that you're taking yourself to the Samaritans today - if you're feeling unsafe it's really sensible to be around others who know what you're going through.

    Remember that this feeling is temporary and you can get better.

    Sending big hugs <3
  • ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,294 Community Veteran
    There's 'sunflower' a therapist recommended that one
    Crazy mad insane
  • ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,294 Community Veteran
    Sunflower.org
    Crazy mad insane
  • ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 4,294 Community Veteran
    13reasonswhy.info
    Crazy mad insane
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie I hope the Samaritans helped today? I can hear the pain from your first message and just wish could help more. Sending massive hugs. It sounds like you are in a tough place but please remember that you have reasons to be really proud of yourself and your progress-  the peer support training for a start is a massive achievement - please don't be hard on yourself just because you haven't used it yet. You will in time, give yourself time <3 

    I'm reading a book called Reasons to Stay Alive (by Matt Haig) at the moment and I wanted to share one of the quotes with you - Matt reached out to people on twitter on their 'reasons to stay alive' and I hope this might resonate with you considering what you said about feeling a burden:

    "The hole you'd leave is bigger than the pain you suffer by being"

    Always here for you and hope you are feeling a little better tonight, please let us know how you're getting on <3 

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. 

    But samairtans didnt help. The questions they asked made me think more about dying and cleared my thoughts more like "what did you used to like" friends but can't keep any now. "What would you miss if you die" id miss things but they are better of without me. And every question just seemed empty and no meaning and like yeah killing myself is the answer and just made me think of dying more 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I feel I've given up.
    theres no reason to be alive anymore
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I had another dream I killed myself. Before I saw the means to kill myself. I said something like this to myself out loud. "Do not think about it, once you see it, just do it so you do not give it much thought to not do it, death is the answer" then I did it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I need to die. Everything is confirming it for me. Even my dreams. Sometimes when I used to be "suicidal" I had dreams of dying by situational stuff but I tried to survive it which made my "suicidal" thoughts more confusing. Cause my brain was telling me not to give up and that didn't actually wanna die. Now having dreams confirming it for me & that this time is time to give up now 

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I feel great. We all die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019

    I'm safe though. With family

    not in a crisis
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I'm not saying I have plans. I do not have plans. I'm not in crisis or unsafe. Suicidal thoughts are allowed here.  But just saying - since you don't know me personally to know whether I do end my life or not. - if I do not go on here for awhile it means I'm in peace and if people cared enough they want me to be in peace not hell on Earth 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    I keep thinking about my families life if I was to kill myself. And they will totally be happy they have one less lazy person to not clean up after. They may be a bit sad at first. But after they see life as great without a depressing person dragging them down. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
       
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 281 The Mix Regular
    Remember we're here for you, I hope you will continue to share how you are feeling, it takes a certain strength to do that. 
    It's sad you are hurting, I really hope you will get through the feelings. 
    Hugs <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Thanks.

    & Samaritans listen and say it's my life and they respect if I decide to Die. Why cant everyone do that.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    No ones "commited suicide" since 1961. Since then it's be legal. So why do police try to stop. It is my life. I think the police have completly left me alone now anyway and believe me. So that's good
    im perefectly sane
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited July 2019
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm really sorry to hear how much you're hurting at the moment. You're so brave for going to Samaritans yesterday. Just to echo what everyone else has said here, it takes a lot of courage to ask for help and talk about these feelings. You're doing so well :) 

    It sounds like you didn't get the support you were hoping for from Samaritans and I can really hear how let down you're feeling. Do you know what support you were hoping for when you went to see them? In another post, you mentioned their phone calls were quite helpful. Is that something you might like to try again? 

    In your first post here, you said that you started writing a bit more about how you're feeling but deleted it because no one would understand. Would you like to try and write it out again? We're all here to listen and will do our best to try and understand. You really deserve to be supported through everything <3

    You're never alone Shaunie, there's lots of organisations out there who can help you through this too. I know we've linked them to you before, but I want to list them here again just in case you might like to reach out to them. 

    • If you ever feel in immediate danger, call 999 to seek help
    • Text our Crisis Messenger by texting TheMix to 85258 to speak to someone any time of the day
    • Call the Samaritans on 116 123 to speak to someone about how you are feeling any time of the day. They also have some online services here.
    • Papyrus have a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays and 2pm – 10pm weekends. You can call them on 0800 068 4141

    Started seeing rape crisis but dont think they can help me cause I couldn't say what happened or even say what triggers me (very specific). I'm too dirty and I don't want to be in my body. I finished my training as a peer support worker. I'm suppose to be doing something with my peer support training but I guess I wasted NHS time cause I'm not bothering to even look properly at the jobs out atm let alone their other stuff can help with & spoke to tutor recently saying about next steps but feel like just lied cause don't wanna even be alive. I guess am just a waste. I don't think anyone will want support from someone that's dirty /nobody anyway would just be annoying for them. 

    It's really great to hear your support has started with Rape Crisis. I know you've been waiting a long time for this to start. It sounds like it's feeling really difficult to try and talk about everything and that's okay. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, this will take time and that's completely okay. They are there to support you and help you get to a place where you feel comfortable talking about what happened. Take things at your pace and take as much time as you need. 

    It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure to do something with your Peer Support training. You're not alone in how you're feeling, and it's okay to take your time with this. You've achieved so much already and this is only the beginning. I've got a quote about this that I want to share too: 

    You're not behind on life. There's no timetable that we all must follow. Don't put yourself down for where you are. It's your schedule and everything is right on time. 

    You're going to be a great Peer Support worker and there's no rush to get there. You're going through an incredibly difficult time and taking time to look after ourselves first is one of the best skills you can have in this line of work. 

    You're never alone Shaunie. You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change. Keep holding onto that little bit of hope that things can get better because they really can. We're all here with you on this journey <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    Aw thank you @Aife <3

    im still feeling really bad and wanting to die but maybe less intense than yesterday. 

    And I think it's cause the Samaritan person just threw random life questions at me rather than asking what I wanted to talk about.(sometimes those questions are okay but yeah dk) but she lead the conversation more. And when I did hint about what I wanted to talk about she just said "I guess you don't want to talk about that". So yeah no one really wants to listen let alone try to understand so i don’t know if I can try to post what I was going to say when said people don't understand. Cause probably don't wanna hear it either cause shameful & dirty. And I feel like that's what rape crisis would think too & that shed feel disgusting even replying to me about it & cringe cause am dirty

    I love that quote <3
    Is true. I compare myself to others a lot

    I signed up to the peer support training agreeing to the fact I'd be ready for a job after.(did intentionally) They keep emailing about new jobs coming & feel like everyone's getting jobs from my training & I haven't even bothered looking at them. The reason we did the training quicker than their usual was because they want loads more PSW's in NHS but didn't have anyone to fill in the posts so trained us quickly & I feel bad for not even bothering yet. But they are all nice people & supportive so would understand. Is just pressure:( They have another post of working with people 121 which sounds good but I don't even know how to apply to a good standard. Everything seems like so much effort & I feel too lazy for life, just feel have no energy to carry on. My sister calls me lazy about 8 times a day (I've counted) i  just feel like a fuck up & a waste
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    And I just feel need to say. I don’t know how safe I can keep myself on the weekend. My dad & sister are working for most of the day -12 hours.  & will be home alone. Not saying I have plans. Just thinking
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    :'( have to be alone. Samaritans don't want to listen to it. And in their message they give me random questions about death after I say what I'm struggling with. (They see all messages before so they ask about my suicidal thoughts rather my problems that I send in that moment). So I just told them I'm fed up of it. And said it's okay if dont want to speak about it but don't say you speak about everything when clearly avoid taboo topics so I will be alone with it because everyone clearly cringes at m pathetic problems & no one gives a fucking shit. And no one wants to hear it. I guess it's fair enough. Am disgusting 

    i feel so bad
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey!

    Your problems are valid Shaunie 💗 Keep going I believe in you x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    My thoughts are really dark:'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    How're things going this weekend Shaunie? <3

    It sounds like Samaritans aren't giving you the support you need right now? Have you tried any of the other crisis services recently, like The Mix text service or Papyrus?

    You're doing so well to keep talking to us even when things are so difficult. We're all here to listen and support you <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I really want to die :'( I don't really want help. just wanna die but i don’t know if I'm a coward. I just really want it to stop :'( it's a sad life. Happiness is rare 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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