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want to die

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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aww, I'd feel horrible if you were dead Shaunie. You're a lovely person. I just wanted to send some massive hugs :heart:

    It's understandable you feel contaminated and dirty. I don't think of you as that at all. Do you want to talk more about it? Would you say you feel dirty in the sense of like you can never be clean, or like you're a bad person? xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Both 😭 will never be clean because he did on my skin now in my skin still. & I'm a bad person cause he also made me do it & made me contaminate him which is bad. All so dirty 🤢
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It's no surprise you feel like this :frown:

    Him making you wee on him doesn't make you a bad person, I promise. He used you and that's awful, and you didn't choose for it to happen and it's not dirty or bad on your part :heart: 

    It sounds really uncomfortable to feel like you'll never be clean.

    It hurts to know that you had to go through that and that it's left you feeling so dirty x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I feel need constant reassurance. :/

    I just woke up from most awful dream :(

    I had a dream about when I was in school , my tutor wouldn't let me go toilet when asked so I walked out & cause I walked out I got a detention & put on report (being put on report was seen as actually really bad cause walking out when told can't was seen really bad thing to do )  - and all that is actually something that happen when I was at school & in real life but it was before the abuse. In real life I did make a scene lol but in my dream I did too and said "do you have pee fetish". But it's just made me think that people get punished for peeing and why am I even seeing what abuser did to me as abuse when teachers don't let kids leave classroom to go toilet and it's not illegal. So how can what he did was illegal or even abuse I should have self control clearly & should be punished. When I compare it to school it seems like a pathetic thing to still be struggling with. Because being a "good" student I wouldn't of walked out so would of probably weed myself and that wouldn't of even been illegal cause would be my fault. Is all my fault cause my body
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Don't think what he did was even illegal (not in school - in relationship) omfg. That is so fucking embarrassing. Shall I stop seeing rape crisis now? I was forced sex but I feel like that's not what affects me is peeing stuff affects me so I shouldn't really be using their time if wasn't even illegal. This is probably why nothing is coming up when I type it on google (only school stuff comes up that's probs why I had the dream last night cause I was looking yesterday.) omg don't even deserve support here fml this is so embarrassing should be over it. My dream just minimised it a lot.  No need to reply just disgusting person
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    You truly do deserve support here, or anywhere else, and we all want to help you :heart:

    I'd be shocked if it was legal. He invaded your body and right to privacy and forced you to do something for sexual pleasure. Don't quote me on that as I don't know a lot, but what I can say is that it still really affected you. It's okay to not be over it. You should have help and this kind of thing is what rape crisis are there for xx

    You shouldn't be punished, and it sounds like you were in a position where you couldn't have any self-control :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I think probably locking someone in your house when don't want to for three days is illegal. My head feels confused think actually what's giving me headaches 
    i feel so so bad and lonely :'( hard to keep to self :'(. 😭on way to work and I feel so low and hardly have any energy :'(😭😭😭😭😭cant be bothered to get off bus
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Yeah, I'd think so too.

    I'm really sorry to hear that, it sounds like you're feeling awful. Let us know how work goes. I'm listening and rooting for you :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    What happens if you ring your gp about mental health. Is the appointment same day like everything else. (I've been under lot of services but never actually been the one to make the appointment with my gp. Normally someone else or just end up in hospital and that's how been under services)

    what happens if If say is urgent in the appointment. Say about how self harm is getting worse and how your thoughts of dying getting worse and that you feel in very bad crisis and need like help urgently. Does anyone care unless you're not dead yet?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I think my mom made an emergency appointment for mental health once. If you tell them what you just said there and say that you need a same day appointment, they should give you one xx Sorry I don't have much more advice haha.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Just wanted to remind you that you are worthy of support and that we are all here to support you.  <3

    How are you feeling at the minute? x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Feel soo bad 😭😭😭😭😭😭. Managed work. Now at home and I literally don't want to move or get changed now. Don't want to live literally have no energy  just hate myself  I literally don't know how much longer I can cope 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭such bad thoughts of dying & no one cares cause I say this all the time 😭😭😭😭😭but there's only so much can take 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Well done for going to work, that's honestly amazing  <3

    Have you reached out to crisis or any other organisations specifically for suicidal thoughts, I know that you didn't find Samaritans helpful but there are a few others you could try?  :)

    Keep going Shaunie, you can keep fighting this.  <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭i don’t know if I want to try fighting anymore. I feel soo bad no matter what I try and My thoughts are soo bad right now and feel so bad. Like I'm physically safe but my thoughts few dark and can't say more than that cause don't want to go against guidelines but I also keep picturing my room empty and my sister going on about her day life and my room empty cause not alive. And I feel so bad and i don’t know how to stop these thoughts. I get so many thoughts to do with being dead and i don’t know what I'm supposed to do with it anymore😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    And my sisters are like "you're/we 21 in September we need to do something for it and go on holiday at some point" and I just feel so bad I can't see that far cause i don’t know how I'm suppose to cope with how I fee
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Dont want to speak about dying anymore tho so ignore that. Dont wanna be going aginst guidelines. Not that i have - just dont wanna risk so yeah ignore that
    just sad & hate myself
    & probably ignore me. This thread was suppose to be closed before i start attention seekig lol.


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    It doesn't matter
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I can really hear how much you're suffering Shaunie :pensive: It sounds like you're feeling horribly low and at your wits' end right now.

    There are ways forward with this and the fight is worth it. What possible things do you think could help you to feel better? :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I don't think anything can help anymore. :'(.
    I think I have PTSD. Not sure tho. 
    I Feel sorry for myself   Thoughts are too hard to challenge & fed up. Somethings are beyond help. It's not fair I have to live like this forever. Actually hurts sometimes/a lot of times
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Shaunie said:
    . It's not fair I have to live like this forever. Actually hurts sometimes/a lot of times
    Maybe it's the punishment 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm sure there's help. It may feel completely hopeless, but you can be helped :heart: Maybe medication? Therapy again? Those are just a couple of thoughts, you know yourself best x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    I won't take meds anymore. (Regularly anyway I can overdose but not take regular where's the logic lol) Of any sort even if I'm pain. Meds remind me of overdosing 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢makes me feel proper sick feeling going down my throat and reminds me of bad experiences. I wish i could take meds regularly but that's not even possible. Don't think? Unless anyone else struggles with the anxiety of pills?

    Doubt the NHS Would offer me anymore help anymore. They actually give up on people.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aww, that does sound really unpleasant. Do you think that's something that might get easier with time, or is it something you definitely won't want to do?

    How would you feel about online therapy maybe? xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I practices swollowing pills after watching YouTube video lol but I failed to swallow it cause gagged. Awful feeling. Wish could be on meds. Online therapy probs too expensive. 
    Sorry don't mean to be dismissive it's just cause dying is best thing
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It's okay, you don't sound dismissive at all, and I really empathise with how you must feel :heart:

    I truly don't think dying is best, please don't give up. I really hope you keep fighting, things can get better :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    Also have dreams that the mix ban me. - sign of a sado who needs life but scared going to end up alone with no one who wants to listen. :'(
    & thank you!
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    I don’t know what to do 😭😭😭😭there would be no point going to see my gp they will have nothing to offer & if they do none of the teams would accept. the crisis team won't want to help someone with diagonisis of BPD who don't even hallucinate. No one gives a shit & I swear I feel I'm going to end up dead (cause I feel so awful am safe). Which is sad because life can be good for some but I feel so awful & I can't live like it 😭😭😭😭Theres only so many thoughts of dying til you jus give in. 

    the mix should of closed this cause asked. Doesn't matter if still reply. & they Should be closing every thread I make that's seeking support.  Cause im beyond help & don't deserve support. But am attention seeker & lonely so hard to just not reply. Sorry. I'm selfish 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2019
    It actually makes me agitated & distressed every morning to wake up knowing I've got a whole day head of feeling so shit. Wish I died in my sleep
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hugs to you sorry you feel this way 
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