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You know, everything you have said is so right... It's all true...
And, I know fine well what's getting me down. I know exactly what it is. But I don't want to deal with it... I'm scared.
I'm scared that the outcome will only depress me more... and I'll move on to suicide. It happens. I've been there a few times now. But I've caught myself out on the very last moment. I don't want this to happen again... just in case I don't catch that last moment...
It's perfectly OK to be scared, terrified even, of dealing with the problems.
The thing I always found the most terrifying was the thought that treatment might work, it might make me better. Depression felt like it WAS me, and that if I wasn't depressed I wouldn't be anything.
The thought of becoming a success, and being happy, scared the living shit out of me.
Without facing the fear you won't get anywhere.
Have you had a therapy course before? Proper intensive therapy like what I had can be of great use, but talking to a psychiatrist once every few weeks really isn't the same.
I just don't know.
But no, I haven't had any therapy or anything.
edited for typos
x
well.. basically i feel really useless... i'm an international student attending uni... the tution fee is a huge sum of money... my parents have been struggling to pay ... and i've tried to look for part time and stuff... but nothing worked out.... but at least my family have survived in the past few years... trying to save money on everything... so this summer i was thinking applying for an intern. as part of my master degree.... then i could get paid and get a quailification... then my parents wouldn't have to work so hard... and get into so much debt... my parents were thrilled with the idea.... (my dad even said it to my mum when i wasn't around how much he looks forward to not having to worry about money and stuff after this year)..
but me being completely useless did not manage to get an intern./placement... and i can't bear to tell my parents.. that they have to pay me thro uni for another year.... my parents had so much expectation from me... well its more like my dad.... i try to tell my fds about my situation but they don't fully understand the pressure i'm under... they just simply think o well if u can't get a placement then just stay at uni to finish your master... but its like so where's the money coming from then..?! ... they don't realise how much finanical problems i have at home.. and i feel ashame to tell them about it... i have mentioned that my parents are struggling.. but they don't fully understand the extend...(my mum have said so many times in front of me that she feels so much under pressure about money in the past few years she just doesn't know how much longer she can go on and keep on living... my heart broke to pieces when she said it.... ) my dad on the other hand keeps on thinking that life here in uk is much easier than life back home... so he's trying everything possible to let me have a better life here.... (but i don't he realises how much pressure i'm under.. and life isn' exactly that great.. when i'm surrounded with girls with their designers clothings... where they were going for the holidays... ) i know he works sooo hard for me.. but he just doens't realise how no one is enjoying their lives in my family... my mum feels under finanical stress all the time... i feel it... and so does my dad... so why are we all doing this when no one is enjoying their lives?! ..... its all cos my dad has this expectation that i shall do great in uk... and have a chance to lead a good life later on.... but how is it going to happen if i'm not a British Citizen? .... if i say anything remotely connected to going back home to study or work my dad goes crazy.. but does not understand that we just finanically can't take it no more?!.... i can't say it to his face... it will break his heart.... and i don't know what to do....
so i'm just waiting for miracle to happen now... that i win the lotto or sthg... sometimes i think if i killed myself then everyone will have less pressure... my parents won't have to work so hard for me..... but then i know its break their hearts to find that i'm dead after working so hard for me... so the reason why i've not killed myself is not just that i'm scared... but mainly cos i feel the responsbility of living for my parents.... (isn't that sad... the reason for living is not for myself...)... although i'm grateful that my bf has been by my side when i've been upset and depressed... he doesn't know what to say to me most of the time.... and can't do anything.. cos he's my age still studying... but he always lean me his shoulder to cry on....
cos i'm not a bright person.. i just work hard.... only just getting 2.2 or 2.1... not remotely clever enough to apply for scholarships.... and since i'm an international student.. there's not many financial support available.... so i'm just stuck.....
EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN PREFECT... IF GOT THE PLACEMENT.... BUT I DIDN'T... SO I BLAME MYSELF SO MUCH FOR IT... I'VE NOT BEEN SLEEPING WELL FOR THE LAST DAYS ... THE WORDS AND VISION OF BEING DECLINED FROM THE COMPANIES APPEAR AGAIN AND AGAIN IN MY HEAD AND IN FRONT OF ME.... i always wonder why i haven't gone crazy yet... if i do one day.. then maybe my fds will finally get to know just how depressing i have been.....
thanks for reading... and thx for this site.. i reallly just needed someplace that i could really express myself.... before i go mental...
i wish you all lead a happier life than me... xxx
When this thread first started I was cutting, and I hadn't started therapy.
I got referred through a doctor on the NHS. They bumped me up the queue because I was serious, admittedly, but they were very good to me the whole time. And now I'm not serious.
It helps. Depression is a mental illness.
But I don't want to be a waste of time, you know? What it I'm just depressed? Without being clinically depressed?
Generally if you've felt persistantly low and down for more than 3 weeks, loss/increase in appetite, loss/increase in sleeping, lethargic, loss of interest and pleasure in the things you used to enjoy, thoughts of suicide.... go see a gp.
It is over a year since I did bad things. But I now have that oh so familiar urge yet again
Because I decided that I didnt want to take drugs to get better. I know AD work for some people, but I just dont want to use them, I think that I'll become to relaint on them.
Clever choice that.
I cant understand why people would rather suffer depression than help themselves.
Is it just me that would rather take a pill and have a chance of getting better than suffer pain so bad id rather end my life than live it?
Fuck me, id take 10 pills a day everyday for all my life if it'd make me feel happy.(we all know they dont make you 'happy', just an example).
Surely if you felt so bad and depressed, you wouldnt give a toss about taking a drug to make yourself 'artificially happy' (as the stereotypical excuses go)
Sometimes you can't help but suffer.
You go to therapy for years on end with absoutly no effect. Its only the pills that help. The pills keep you from slitting your wrists or downing that 175 of vodka and some asprin before you go take a cruise. Sometimes you can do everythign under the sun yet its only the pills that help. And they don't help that much. Eventually, after 10+ years of taking them they become uneffective. The higher dose makes you physically ill and the dose you take now just keeps you alive. Sometimes you cant't do anything more than suffer. Sometimes there is no help. Sometimes you just have to deal.
I say hang on to the drugs. Or see what works best for you. My boyfriend stopped taking the drugs for a while, because he didn't like the way that they messed with his mind. But then he was dangerously edgy and his ghosts all came back... So he started taking his medication again. It was an on/off thing for a while, and difficult to decide what compromise he should take.
Eventually (I don't understand how AD works) you may become immune to these drugs? And may be put onto a course of other ones to help. Like I said, I don't know if this works for ADs but it does for some other medication.
Ultimately, it is your own choice. You do really have to work out what is best for you. More importantly, have someone else work it out with you. Because their on the outside, they can find pros and cons that you perhaps can't.
Much luck.
x
I've felt quite good since coming off them, once I got through the side effects. I have someone to talk too who is keeping an eye on me, I haven't cut for about 40 days and I've cut back my drinking a lot, which has helped a bit. I might go back them in a couple of months time and give them another go if I reach the incredably low point I got to again. I still have a long way to go but I actually feel like I'm getting some where. As I said in my post, ADs work for some people, but I dont want to use them at this moment in time.
Started on a new part. Top of my leg where it wont be seen. 38 times. some are over 3 inches long.
Im never good enough, nothing i do is right, sick of being moaned at. So theres my punishment.
On another note, I feel poo. Fab.
I'm ok. Thinking about death, again, but I'm ok.