Stressed. Trying to stay well. Peer support training.

Shaunie

I have dreams that the guy who forced me to be disgusting by making him wee on him. Suffocates me and i used to hate the dreams and try to stay alive but now all i want is to die in it but i wake up instead:(((((((.

i just really hate myself. Disgusting in more ways than one

 Its hard to breath and my chest hurts. ((

Kathleen07

Ohh, I'm so sorry he did that to you:( And that you're having those dreams. It sounds horrid. And I'm really sad to read that now you just want to die in it:(

None of us think you're disgusting at all. Hating yourself is hard, to say the least. Do you think it was him who made you hate yourself that much, then?

If I was there, I'd give you a massive hug. But take a virtual one

Shaunie

Thankyou but ijust really need it to stop ,ijust really cant handle & it doesnt seem like it will stop unless i stop it. I just cant stop picturing how i can die & how that will garuenteed to stop it & how peaceful

Kathleen07

I can really hear that

Things will get easier. And it will stop without you dying. I'd say hold on for now. Go somewhere where you can keep safe, if you need to. And take care of yourself. Maybe just see if you can stay alive, for now - take it slow and minute by minute. It will get easier

It sounds like you're feeling really desperate:(

Shaunie

Thanks 
i am safe atm

I dont have what i need to die the quick way id like. &dontwant to ster the pot before is even in the oven but i know when you close your eyes you can almost feel them and they just tell you to die because we are not the right world and i like to beleiev their is life after death so dying isnt really dying and then but you can say youredead maybe but you do not knowcausw When they say they want to humilulate you and they do until the day you die its the only way to win 

Ed_

Hey @Shaunie

Sounds like a really tough headspace to be in, hope you are doing okay  

Do you think that you would feel able to reach out to someone about how you are feeling at the moment? It sounds as though you can recognise some of the physical symptoms that are impacting your mental health and that you aren't sure how your medication is impacting this. There are a number of options you could try to get some help with these feelings:

• Speak to your GP - they may be able to advise on your questions around your anti-depressants, and also check in on some of the physical symptoms you are experiencing.
• Call NHS 111 - they can let you know of support options available both in crisis and with health concerns. 
• Text Crisis Messenger - they can help you stay safe during a moment of crisis
• Call the Samaritans on 116 123
• Call Papyrus on 0800 068 4141 or email [email protected]

I also wanted to reply to other things you have mentioned, but also realise you may not be in the right headspace to read a long reply, so will put in a spoiler to keep the key options above easier to take on.

Take care Shaunie, we are all here for you

Ed

In terms of how you are feeling about your past experiences, it's understandable to have times where you feel strongly about what happened to you. Whilst you may not feel able to say everything, I can confidently say that the only person I would feel disgusted with is the person who chose to inflict these things on other people. There may be times when you blame yourself for what happened, but if you had never met him, then it wouldn't have happened to you, so the only person to blame is him. @Mike put this much more succinctly than I ever could:

"You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us."

It also feels like you are doubting yourself in terms of the peer-support role. During these moments, perhaps try to hold on to the fact that you have been open about how things are for you at the moment in your application, and they decided that you were the right person for the role. Self-doubt can be a big part of someone's mental health, and so the fact that you can relate to that will be a strength, not a weakness. 

In my mind, recovery with mental health is all about progress and not perfection. When we think about progress, it doesn't have to mean that everything is continually getting better, but that we can learn from the ups and downs to slowly build the resources and resilience to get better. There is a lot of value in being able to be real with people about this and be on the same journey to provide support The quote in your signature gets this point spot on!

Kathleen07

I'm glad you're safe right now And of course, you can reach out to a crisis team or something if that changes.

I hope you don't die:( I can see it's very hard right now, and know it probably doesn't feel like this - but we can find some ease and solution to your problems. Not everything will be fully cured, necessarily, but there is help and a way to work through stuff, even if it's hard

Shaunie

Thank you all ! I do appreciate your support (even if it sounded like i dont:///)


im a bit calmer now thank you. I will read your replies properly when my head feels like its less somewhere else ///

. And for some reason a lot of these times i feel like this is on a thursday at about 2 which is weirdd and dont know why. Will try to work out why.:///

Kathleen07

Aww it's good to hear you're feeling a bit calmer now. Sending hugs

Aidan

Glad you're feeling calmer, never hesitate if you need support or just want to talk

Take care

Shaunie

Thank you for support yesterday @Aidan @kathleen0172 @Jellyelephant @Ed_ and @davcr0ck & @Laine for hugs


im sorry. Is soooo embarrassing when i look back on times ive been v suicidal.

 I just thinking being this tired is really magnifying everything. And think antidepressant. And i was suppose to make app for ECG & blood tests ages ago to see if my physical health has changed but hate just going into my gp clinic for some reason:(((. 

& im also scared to reach out for help - by like 111 now because that will just mean i will less likely die and less likely die wont acitually get me anywhere - it will just make them think im not capable for being peer support worker and ruin that for me. So conclusion is to not reach out for help - is either die when feel that bad or get over it by myself. 

And thank you @Jellyelephant for suggestions!! Think will try those! Esp writing things down & changing gp &  Rape crisis said theyd ring me awhile ago but havent & sent them 2 emails & dont want to annoy them anymore 

and thank you @Ed_ , sometimes i think is not my fault and sometimes think is al my fault but still have thought tbat is not my fault. Cause i didnt have chioce.  So ive realised there is some difference in knowing and feeling. Know wasnt at fault but feel i could of been. Which maybe doesnt make sense.  Just trying to rationalise my feelings with the facts. Hurts my head trying to cause is weird cause i just keep thinking "why is everyone still replying to me after reading i am disgusting" & thinkng youd say "you cant be peer support worker being that disgusting is fake" and then i think - did anyone even exactly read what i wrote but i am also thinking at the exact same time "i didnt do it, he did". Its kinda hard to process lol

i may make account to just post thread about what i dont feel comfortable sayin as myself. 

I do really want to be peer support worker is just hard to support myself sometimes & feel disgusting & like a nobody and who wants to be supported by a nobody and disgusting person. Theyd rather speak to shit

But thankyou. Feeling bit better today. Just v tired

Aidan

There's no need to be embarrassed Shaunie, it's such a complex, dark thing and I'm sure no one could judge you for it.

Sorry to hear you don't like going in to your GP's, but I think it's important to find a way to bring up how you're feeling with them to see what they can do. It could be your antidepressant- mine made me very tired and I found recovery easier without them- but everyone is different, and it could also be something else entirely.

I know you said you don't want to seek help as it could affect your chances of the peer support worker role, but hasn't everyone in the role of peer support been in a situation where they've needed help? I hope it is something you can do as it sounds like you really want it, but at the same time you need to focus on you and seek help when you need it because a lot more could be at stake than your chances at being a peer support worker.

I understand you want to post anonymously about things you feel you can't say, and if this is what you want to do then do it, but I want you to know that there's no need and we won't judge you about it. You weren't to blame in what happened, and while it's absolutely understandable that you feel disgusted, it doesn't make you disgusting.
 
Take it easy, keep well
Aidan

Kathleen07

No need to be sorry or embarrassed Shaunie

Is it sleep deprivation that's making you tired? Or the low iron thing? x

I don't like seeing the doctors, I find it a bit nerve-racking. I also had blood tests roughly a year and a half ago, and was meant to have an ECG - but didn't 'cause the thought was terrible Do you think you hate going to your GP clinic because it makes you anxious, maybe, or is it something different?

Your fear about reaching out for help is totally understandable How do you feel about talking to helplines? Of course, they can't provide the same care that A&E or somewhere could - I was just wondering, as it can make you feel just that tinsy bit lighter to talk to someone?

And are you planning to do anything about the anti depressants? - do you think you need to stop taking them, or tell your doctor about it (idk if you'd feel able)?

You're not disgusting or a nobody, and so many people really find, and would find, your support helpful and lovely

davcr0ck

Don't embarrassed or sorry about what happened, 

We all go through rough times in are life's, I had to talk my boyfriend out of sucide last night, that why I never online last night, thankful he hasn't

I'm happy that your feeling a lot better today, enjoy the weekend and get plenty of rest

Sending hugs forever 
davcr0ck 

Shaunie

Thank you all. !

i think may tell my gp how tired is making me feel because i dont want to be on it anymore. Wont say suicidal tho.   Have to have a review otherwise they wont be able to get repeat prescription. And need to have ecg before it too ///

think loads of things making me tired. Mostly pills i think. But have been taking iron pills now. 

I start the training on monday and i am sooo scaredd!!!!!!!!!!:///////////. 

Kathleen07

I think it would be a good idea to tell your GP it's making you tired - it sounds like the anti depressants might be doing you more harm than good?

It's definitely understandable that you're scared to start the training. You're gonna do great. You have all our support.

Here when/if you want to chat, sending hugs

Shaunie

Yeah i think theyre also making my dreams really intense so i keep waking up randomly like now. Hate feeling suffocated. 

And i feel tired just thinking about how busy and tiring my month will be. wont even have the weekends

Do you think its okay to share my timetable on here?im goong to anyways lol hope Mods can delete it f they think i shouldnt. Not like people care but even my family wont look at it & feeling overwhelmed myself so just need to share lol. 



I suppose some the titles dont sound that bad. But i mean dk what some of them would mean. Im scared about - work experience, "telling my story" part. Communication assessment - thats someone pretending to be a patient and i have to reply back. ---- like how much pressure is that. And scared of exam & trying to remember it all for exam. Mostly scared about communcation assessment

Kathleen07

Sorry to hear you had another dream last night

Wow hahah. And communication assessment does sound like a lot of pressure. If it helps to hear at all, I think it will all go okay. The thought can sometimes make you so nervous, yet the actual experience ends up going fine. I don't blame you for being scared about these things! And it does sound like you're going to have a busy and tiring month. It's a shame you won't even get the weekends, because you deserve some time to rest. I hope you can at least still do some self-care and me-time?

Aife

Hey @Shaunie

It's okay to share your timetable here. We tend to be a bit cautious just in case members post any information which could identify themselves or their location. It's good you've been careful and crossed out any information like that. 

I just wanted to say good luck for your first day tomorrow. I know it can be really scary going into something and not knowing what to expect. Hopefully the intro session tomorrow will help reassure you about any concerns you're having about the course. 

It sounds like you're feeling most worried about the communications assessment. I know it's feeling like a lot of pressure but they will be helping you towards that assessment and teaching you lots of new skills. Hopefully after the practice assessment the week before, they'll give you some feedback to help you for the real one. You always know the right things to say when supporting other members here and it comes so naturally to you. You can do this

I hope tomorrow goes okay. We're all so proud of you Shaunie! If you're feeling a bit nervous at any point, you can chat to us here. We're all here to help you through the day

Shaunie

Aw thank yous very much !  I am feeling okay today!!!!  Not tired or anything and looking forward to tomorrow. 

Thank you for support xxx

Kathleen07

It's uplifting to hear you're feeling okay today:) Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

davcr0ck

Shaunie said:

Aw thank yous very much !  I am feeling okay today!!!!  Not tired or anything and looking forward to tomorrow. 

Thank you for support xxx

Yay this is amazing, this is amazing news, hope you enjoy tommorow 

Shaunie

Thank you. I am really scared now and definetly tiredd://///. And anxious.😥😥😥😥

Aidan

Good luck with the intro and the study skills session today!

Aife

Good luck today @Shaunie

davcr0ck

Good luck @Shaunie hope it all goods well for you, sending hugs 🤗❤️

Shaunie

Aw thank yous!!!!

On break and
Omgg gosh this is soooooo intense 😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥

look how big our folders are. 
I mean it says intro but omg loads of learning and remember and speaking and going to loads of assessments and home work. Generally is going well tho. Just feeling bit sstressed. Omggg. 
And you can maybe see the smily face card in background which is good and have that and is a question mark on the back so we can hold it up for questions which think is good. But also talking about staying well ourselves too

Millie2787

It may seem like a lot in that folder but I bet lot of it is things they cover in the sessions just so you have that information to hand when you have to do the homework and things or for future reference incase tou need then  

Youe doing really well , it’s good you have those cards that seems like a good way of doing it but it’s also good your talking about how to stay well yourselves ❤️

Jellyelephant

Hope it’s going ok shaunie! X

Shaunie

Aww thank yousss!!! Xxx

my heart feels like is beating out my chest everytime i speak but i kinda like it cause know i start feeling more comfortable after and building confident. 

Didnt know possible to feel sooooo stressed and anxious and postive at same timelol. 

the peer tutors said "you will go home and think this is too much stress why did i do it, but this s so postive to even get on the corse and will change your life"

soo its good environement and postive vibe too. I think just realising and actknowldege i will be stressed is something. And is good because we are talking about words like "resilance" and strength. And what it means and to ourselves and how see it in others and is recovery focused so helps yourself to realise aswell. If makes sense