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Stressed. Trying to stay well. Peer support training.

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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thankyou but ijust really need it to stop ,ijust really cant handle & it doesnt seem like it will stop unless i stop it. I just cant stop picturing how i can die & how that will garuenteed to stop it & how peaceful
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I can really hear that :pensive:

    Things will get easier. And it will stop without you dying. I'd say hold on for now. Go somewhere where you can keep safe, if you need to. And take care of yourself. Maybe just see if you can stay alive, for now - take it slow and minute by minute. It will get easier <3

    It sounds like you're feeling really desperate:(
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Thanks 
    i am safe atm

    I dont have what i need to die the quick way id like. &dontwant to ster the pot before is even in the oven but i know when you close your eyes you can almost feel them and they just tell you to die because we are not the right world and i like to beleiev their is life after death so dying isnt really dying and then but you can say youredead maybe but you do not knowcausw When they say they want to humilulate you and they do until the day you die its the only way to win 

    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Ed_Ed_ Moderator Posts: 1,551 Extreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sounds like a really tough headspace to be in, hope you are doing okay <3 

    Do you think that you would feel able to reach out to someone about how you are feeling at the moment? It sounds as though you can recognise some of the physical symptoms that are impacting your mental health and that you aren't sure how your medication is impacting this. There are a number of options you could try to get some help with these feelings:

    • Speak to your GP - they may be able to advise on your questions around your anti-depressants, and also check in on some of the physical symptoms you are experiencing.
    • Call NHS 111 - they can let you know of support options available both in crisis and with health concerns. 
    • Text Crisis Messenger - they can help you stay safe during a moment of crisis
    • Call the Samaritans on 116 123
    • Call Papyrus on 0800 068 4141 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

    I also wanted to reply to other things you have mentioned, but also realise you may not be in the right headspace to read a long reply, so will put in a spoiler to keep the key options above easier to take on.

    Take care Shaunie, we are all here for you :3

    Ed

    In terms of how you are feeling about your past experiences, it's understandable to have times where you feel strongly about what happened to you. Whilst you may not feel able to say everything, I can confidently say that the only person I would feel disgusted with is the person who chose to inflict these things on other people. There may be times when you blame yourself for what happened, but if you had never met him, then it wouldn't have happened to you, so the only person to blame is him. @Mike put this much more succinctly than I ever could:

    "You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us."

    It also feels like you are doubting yourself in terms of the peer-support role. During these moments, perhaps try to hold on to the fact that you have been open about how things are for you at the moment in your application, and they decided that you were the right person for the role. Self-doubt can be a big part of someone's mental health, and so the fact that you can relate to that will be a strength, not a weakness. 

    In my mind, recovery with mental health is all about progress and not perfection. When we think about progress, it doesn't have to mean that everything is continually getting better, but that we can learn from the ups and downs to slowly build the resources and resilience to get better. There is a lot of value in being able to be real with people about this and be on the same journey to provide support :3 The quote in your signature gets this point spot on!

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm glad you're safe right now <3 And of course, you can reach out to a crisis team or something if that changes.

    I hope you don't die:( I can see it's very hard right now, and know it probably doesn't feel like this - but we can find some ease and solution to your problems. Not everything will be fully cured, necessarily, but there is help and a way to work through stuff, even if it's hard <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all ! I do appreciate your support (even if it sounded like i dont:///)


    im a bit calmer now thank you. I will read your replies properly when my head feels like its less somewhere else :////

    . And for some reason a lot of these times i feel like this is on a thursday at about 2 which is weirdd and dont know why. Will try to work out why.:///
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aww it's good to hear you're feeling a bit calmer now. Sending hugs <3


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Thank you for support yesterday @Aidan @kathleen0172 @Jellyelephant @Ed_ and @Past User & @Past User for hugs


    im sorry. Is soooo embarrassing when i look back on times ive been v suicidal.

     I just thinking being this tired is really magnifying everything. And think antidepressant. And i was suppose to make app for ECG & blood tests ages ago to see if my physical health has changed but hate just going into my gp clinic for some reason:(((. 

    & im also scared to reach out for help - by like 111 now because that will just mean i will less likely die and less likely die wont acitually get me anywhere - it will just make them think im not capable for being peer support worker and ruin that for me. So conclusion is to not reach out for help - is either die when feel that bad or get over it by myself. 

    And thank you @Jellyelephant for suggestions!! Think will try those! Esp writing things down & changing gp &  Rape crisis said theyd ring me awhile ago but havent & sent them 2 emails & dont want to annoy them anymore 

    and thank you @Ed_ , sometimes i think is not my fault and sometimes think is al my fault but still have thought tbat is not my fault. Cause i didnt have chioce.  So ive realised there is some difference in knowing and feeling. Know wasnt at fault but feel i could of been. Which maybe doesnt make sense.  Just trying to rationalise my feelings with the facts. Hurts my head trying to cause is weird cause i just keep thinking "why is everyone still replying to me after reading i am disgusting" & thinkng youd say "you cant be peer support worker being that disgusting is fake" and then i think - did anyone even exactly read what i wrote but i am also thinking at the exact same time "i didnt do it, he did". Its kinda hard to process lol

    i may make account to just post thread about what i dont feel comfortable sayin as myself. 

    I do really want to be peer support worker is just hard to support myself sometimes & feel disgusting & like a nobody and who wants to be supported by a nobody and disgusting person. Theyd rather speak to shit

    But thankyou. Feeling bit better today. Just v tired :(
    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    No need to be sorry or embarrassed Shaunie <3

    Is it sleep deprivation that's making you tired? Or the low iron thing? x

    I don't like seeing the doctors, I find it a bit nerve-racking. I also had blood tests roughly a year and a half ago, and was meant to have an ECG - but didn't 'cause the thought was terrible :/ Do you think you hate going to your GP clinic because it makes you anxious, maybe, or is it something different?

    Your fear about reaching out for help is totally understandable <3 How do you feel about talking to helplines? Of course, they can't provide the same care that A&E or somewhere could - I was just wondering, as it can make you feel just that tinsy bit lighter to talk to someone?

    And are you planning to do anything about the anti depressants? - do you think you need to stop taking them, or tell your doctor about it (idk if you'd feel able)?

    You're not disgusting or a nobody, and so many people really find, and would find, your support helpful and lovely <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Don't embarrassed or sorry about what happened, 

    We all go through rough times in are life's, I had to talk my boyfriend out of sucide last night, that why I never online last night, thankful he hasn't

    I'm happy that your feeling a lot better today, enjoy the weekend and get plenty of rest

    Sending hugs forever 
    davcr0ck 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all. !

    i think may tell my gp how tired is making me feel because i dont want to be on it anymore. Wont say suicidal tho.   Have to have a review otherwise they wont be able to get repeat prescription. And need to have ecg before it too :////

    think loads of things making me tired. Mostly pills i think. But have been taking iron pills now. 

    I start the training on monday and i am sooo scaredd!!!!!!!!!!:///////////. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I think it would be a good idea to tell your GP it's making you tired - it sounds like the anti depressants might be doing you more harm than good? <3

    It's definitely understandable that you're scared to start the training. You're gonna do great. You have all our support.

    Here when/if you want to chat, sending hugs <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Yeah i think theyre also making my dreams really intense so i keep waking up randomly like now. Hate feeling suffocated. 

    And i feel tired just thinking about how busy and tiring my month will be. wont even have the weekends

    Do you think its okay to share my timetable on here?im goong to anyways lol hope Mods can delete it f they think i shouldnt. Not like people care but even my family wont look at it & feeling overwhelmed myself so just need to share lol. 



    I suppose some the titles dont sound that bad. But i mean dk what some of them would mean. Im scared about - work experience, "telling my story" part. Communication assessment - thats someone pretending to be a patient and i have to reply back. ---- like how much pressure is that. And scared of exam & trying to remember it all for exam. Mostly scared about communcation assessment
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Sorry to hear you had another dream last night :(

    Wow hahah. And communication assessment does sound like a lot of pressure. If it helps to hear at all, I think it will all go okay. The thought can sometimes make you so nervous, yet the actual experience ends up going fine. I don't blame you for being scared about these things! <3 And it does sound like you're going to have a busy and tiring month. It's a shame you won't even get the weekends, because you deserve some time to rest. I hope you can at least still do some self-care and me-time? <3

  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Shaunie

    It's okay to share your timetable here. We tend to be a bit cautious just in case members post any information which could identify themselves or their location. It's good you've been careful and crossed out any information like that. 

    I just wanted to say good luck for your first day tomorrow. I know it can be really scary going into something and not knowing what to expect. Hopefully the intro session tomorrow will help reassure you about any concerns you're having about the course. 

    It sounds like you're feeling most worried about the communications assessment. I know it's feeling like a lot of pressure but they will be helping you towards that assessment and teaching you lots of new skills. Hopefully after the practice assessment the week before, they'll give you some feedback to help you for the real one. You always know the right things to say when supporting other members here and it comes so naturally to you. You can do this <3

    I hope tomorrow goes okay. We're all so proud of you Shaunie! If you're feeling a bit nervous at any point, you can chat to us here. We're all here to help you through the day <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Aw thank yous very much !  I am feeling okay today!!!!  Not tired or anything and looking forward to tomorrow. 

    Thank you for support xxx
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It's uplifting to hear you're feeling okay today:) Let us know how it goes tomorrow.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Shaunie said:
    Aw thank yous very much !  I am feeling okay today!!!!  Not tired or anything and looking forward to tomorrow. 

    Thank you for support xxx
    Yay this is amazing, this is amazing news, hope you enjoy tommorow 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I am really scared now and definetly tiredd://///. And anxious.😥😥😥😥
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Good luck today @Shaunie <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Good luck @Shaunie hope it all goods well for you, sending hugs 🤗❤️
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Aw thank yous!!!!

    On break and
    Omgg gosh this is soooooo intense 😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥

    look how big our folders are. 
    I mean it says intro but omg loads of learning and remember and speaking and going to loads of assessments and home work. Generally is going well tho. Just feeling bit sstressed. Omggg. 
    And you can maybe see the smily face card in background which is good and have that and is a question mark on the back so we can hold it up for questions which think is good. But also talking about staying well ourselves too


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    It may seem like a lot in that folder but I bet lot of it is things they cover in the sessions just so you have that information to hand when you have to do the homework and things or for future reference incase tou need then :) 

    Youe doing really well , it’s good you have those cards that seems like a good way of doing it but it’s also good your talking about how to stay well yourselves ❤️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hope it’s going ok shaunie! X
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Aww thank yousss!!! Xxx

    my heart feels like is beating out my chest everytime i speak but i kinda like it cause know i start feeling more comfortable after and building confident. 

    Didnt know possible to feel sooooo stressed and anxious and postive at same timelol. 

    the peer tutors said "you will go home and think this is too much stress why did i do it, but this s so postive to even get on the corse and will change your life"

    soo its good environement and postive vibe too. I think just realising and actknowldege i will be stressed is something. And is good because we are talking about words like "resilance" and strength. And what it means and to ourselves and how see it in others and is recovery focused so helps yourself to realise aswell. If makes sense
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019

    Finished first day and omg i have like 4 parts of home work to do when get home for to be ready tomoorrow. Mostly just reading stuff tho. And have w massive folder that doesnt fit in my only big bag i have.   


    Im soo stressed but hopeful and feel okay but stressed at sane time. 


    And its so nice at the end we do validations of two other people and ourselves. And they wrote to me i made their day enjoyable and other person wrote i was anxious and have quevered vioce but gave a calm friendly atsphome and fought through anxiety. 

    My challegene now is to get home on two buses  with massive folder lol. And then prepare for tomorrow


    And have massive head ache

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Proud of you Shaunie you're doing amazing! 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Well done @Shaunie, stay strong ❤️
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Thank you <3

    but i am totally overwhelmed since properly looking at the folder and the questions. After EVERY module we have two essay questions with word limits of like 1,000 for our portfolios. And all needs to be done by like beginining of June 😥😥😥 the stress of it. Lol. Aswell of stressing about work expereince, commucation assessment, exam, lessons, assigments & being informally assessed through out. All in a month. 

    Do you think it would be pretty lazy of me to call in sick for one of my weekends at work?
    just thinking about my black under my eyes this morning. Lol. Probs over dramatic

    & im just thinking i really dont know if all will overwhelme me too much. And i need time to work on my spelling lol let alone the assigments. Everyone else has the weekends. And i need money but feel like this is more important than money & primark

    This is what am doing today for "colour & connection"


    Apparently lot of words to remember tomorrow :////


    Also first time i posted on my social media that have mental health. - took picture of booklet and that was first day training as peer support worker so can use my struggle of MH to support others. & all that - that was on my instagram story. And   Well i mean i guess im going to have be open about my mental health.... when its the reason im training lol & hopeful my career if dont die from stress lol. . Just never posted cause hardly post much anyways & never relevant &  is not that am ashamed of it.But yeah anyway. My "friends" dont know have MH illness and was suprising how many people (i know from ages ago or know now) messaged me & congrats and all that !

    which was quite nice

    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Helpp:(((

    i am too stressed and anxious and feel like crying and going home 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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