Hi. i am disgusting scum, liar and racist

noppe i am not a new person. But still introducing who i am & under this “introduce yourself” thing it said “who are you, who are you” so i couldnt help but answer that & let you all know who i am. 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂.
I feel okay 😊😊

There is nothing more to my idenity other than I AM A DISGUSTING DIRTY SKANK. Some even say i deserve to be shot.

Need to say cause soemtimes i seek support and then i am like. ——No wait. They dont know me. They dont know how disgusting i am and being too kind to a disgusting person.

No one wants to even touched by a rapist but i had no chioce but to pee on one. I cant think of a more disgusting thing 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢😷😷😷😷😷😷. He would press down on my stomach where my bladder is which made it really hard to breath, did it until - he made sure i would become the SCUM OF EARTH. Sometime, a lot of times, i look at my body & i just want to not eat & harm it & die. Theres also a chance i over agagerated this to the police when was stressed and angry. I LIED ABOUT RAPE 🤢🤢🤢🤢😷😷😷😷😷. also lot of times i feel sick when i see someone of the same ethnicity of who he was and it remembers me of him & then i feel bad for BEING A RACIST.

I am sadly stuck in this disgusting body. I didnt want to be this disgusting :’(

i am so sorry to those who have been kind to me without knowing how scummy i am. You have been speaking to someone who is the equalivent of a piece of shit.

I also love my dog xxxxxxxxxxxxx😭😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

& im heavily sad yet so empty sad & a complusive person - tryin to work on that one

why shoukd we have to be ashamed
& my name is actually Shevaun, Shaunie is a nickname but get called any & im 20 & female & disgusting scum.
They said the devil doesnt exist but they also said i dont have soulmates in hell

and i really wish i wasnt here but sorry

& thats all really.

I dont think i am okay

But Welcome to new members

Xxxxxxxxxx

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If ever see this user - deserve to be in prison or better dead.

Pls kill me

But not my dog

Though this was an intense read, it's brave of you to post this @Shaunie. It takes a lot of courage to confront your darkest thoughts about yourself, and I can't imagine what it took for you to write them out so frankly. How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?

It's interesting that you posted this in the introduce yourself forum - is it fair to say that this interpretation of yourself is linked quite strongly to your identity?

Everything you mentioned here is as a result of something that happened to you; something that somebody inflicted on you. You didn't do this; you didn't ask to be assaulted or exploited. You are not to blame for the ripples of that trauma that you're feeling now, whatever form they take - insecurities around people you associate with your abuser (by the way, the fact you feel bad about that shows your empathy), not giving a fully accurate report of what happened, or feeling like you just need to escape the physical body that went through all this.

I wonder if it's worth taking a moment to think - to really think - about the difference between the person you choose to be every day and the lasting effects of going through something traumatic? Most days, you're on here supporting people - taking time out of your day just so someone can be in a little bit less pain. No matter what thoughts go through your head, you stay alive - you're here now after enduring this for a long time. And somehow through all of this, you've stayed kind.

You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us.

This ended up longer than planned, but felt it was important to explore this a little and introduce another perspective.

(I've also moved this to Health & Wellbeing as this feels like a support thread above all else)

Thank you Mike

I did put it in introduction part cause is just how i see myself and also because i didnt wanna wasted more peoples time supporting me but still appercate it either way. Feel a lil bit better - ive had a lil nap since writing this & can see that there may be a slight different perspective

I feel sick & wanna die

Kno fed up of suicidalstuff & me but im so lonely & sad & dont know much longer can do it

Mike said:

Though this was an intense read, it's brave of you to post this @Shaunie. It takes a lot of courage to confront your darkest thoughts about yourself, and I can't imagine what it took for you to write them out so frankly. How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?

It's interesting that you posted this in the introduce yourself forum - is it fair to say that this interpretation of yourself is linked quite strongly to your identity?

Everything you mentioned here is as a result of something that happened to you; something that somebody inflicted on you. You didn't do this; you didn't ask to be assaulted or exploited. You are not to blame for the ripples of that trauma that you're feeling now, whatever form they take - insecurities around people you associate with your abuser (by the way, the fact you feel bad about that shows your empathy), not giving a fully accurate report of what happened, or feeling like you just need to escape the physical body that went through all this.

I wonder if it's worth taking a moment to think - to really think - about the difference between the person you choose to be every day and the lasting effects of going through something traumatic? Most days, you're on here supporting people - taking time out of your day just so someone can be in a little bit less pain. No matter what thoughts go through your head, you stay alive - you're here now after enduring this for a long time. And somehow through all of this, you've stayed kind.

You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us.

This ended up longer than planned, but felt it was important to explore this a little and introduce another perspective.

(I've also moved this to Health & Wellbeing as this feels like a support thread above all else)

My God, Mike. I don't think I've said this before but your comments always seem to have such a relaxing / positive / supportive effect. I don't know if it's just me but it seems to happen every time, even when the comments aren't directed towards myself. don't ask, but it brings to mind one of those lifesize, cuddly teddy bears! xD

Seriously though. You deserve all the appreciation you can get :P

-

@Shaunie, I'm in that position too. I understand how hard it is to keep going when you feel like there's nothing left to continue for.

I wish I could help you not be lonely. I'll just reiterate that I'm always here to talk in PMs if you need me, even if that's just a chat about anything. Sorry I keep repeating myself but I just want to make sure you know I mean it lol

Seconding everything Mike said here. most of it is similar to what I said in the other post but there are still a few things that I didn't mention, that he has.

You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us.

Particularly this phrase, which I really love. In fact I love it so much that I'm going to be putting it on my signature. Thanks Mike!

But what I'm saying is... well, I don't really know what I'm saying. The phrase says it all

Thank you!
am so sad. I think i may ring my gp tomorrow and ask for an appointment cause no one else seems to care about how suicidal i am :’( and they wont give me medication for my mental health which i think is wrong. So maybe pointless

I just feel everyday i am getting more suicidal and that i just really feel wont be alive soon :’( just really fed up now & want to leave 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?

I think if i did that (read it back) id ask you to delete it tbh. Because barely like scrolling past it lol. Need to accept things but cant. I dk how to. I complusly do it - like i think this post was - out of implusive insense self hate. Maybe will be able to read it again at some point.

Shaunie said:

How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?

I think if i did that (read it back) id ask you to delete it tbh. Because barely like scrolling past it lol. Need to accept things but cant. I dk how to. I complusly do it - like i think this post was - out of implusive insense self hate. Maybe will be able to read it again at some point.

I hope you're doing okay. It sounds like there is a lot going on for you and I hope you're getting some help with it all.

I don't think that the words you have used to describe yourself here are really a true reflection of who you are. The fact that you correct the automatic thoughts you have at seeing a person of a certain ethnicity indicate that you are not actually racist. I know that it can be hard to deal with that kind of intrusive thought, but it's important to remember that the conscious thought you have to override the automatic thought is a more accurate representation of who you really are. These traits come from an experience rather than being your actual opinion, so please try not to beat yourself up over it (I know that's easier said than done).

I hope you start to feel better soon

I really hope you feel better soon Shaunie

nobody can fathom what happened to you but we're all here for you during it.

you're not a racist at all its just because of the traumatic event, our minds make associations, there was this one girl in college who looked similar to my ex and it really unnerved me, but she's a super lovely person and i find it easier these days.

our brains are smart and high functioning but they try their best to protect us. if you were bitten by a dog your brain would associate that with all dogs to protect you.

Its really horrible of course but i hope you can realise how much of a strong, independent, and amazing person you are. it takes so much strength to get up and do every day and while some may feel really rubbish, you do them x

every day you continue is showing them up and proving them wrong.

its okay not to be okay, but please remember we're all here at the mix, mods and users and that we will always care

Thank you all!!

i still cant read what i orginally wrote lol kinda forgetten but really dont wanna read it.

But feeling really low rn. Normally grouo therapy makes me feel better. But when asked on if im satisified with my daily routine i was like no cause its mostly coloured in with “gettng through the day” and she asked about what i want to change. I said i want to volutteer and she was like “are you sure youre not saying that cause you feel you have to” then she started talking about “realistic goals” its fucking realistic goal and now making me question my whole life

Hey @Shaunie

Just wanted to say I think you are a lovely person, you are always very kind and supportive of users on here, sorry but I can't agree that you are scum. What you've been through is horrible and I'm sorry it happened but it doesn't define you as a person.

Don't let what the group therapy person said about realistic goals to heart, volunteering is a realistic goal she probably was just surprised because maybe she doesn't get that response too often - maybe people are usually a little more selfish than that.

Sending you hugs.

- Lucy

Thank you Lucy

im not sure why she made out like volunteering is somethin i cant do because i think i can.

will probably edit & delete this whole thing in a few mins cause how enbarrassed i feel Sorry if youre unlucky enough to read this

Omg lol was literally was able to edit that with few seconds left 🙃

I cant do this anymore. :’(. I feel so disgusting and embarassed and ashamed. Im just going to lay in bed and hope to sleep soon before i try to kil myself

I dont get it. Why does no one care about how suicidal i get. I read people who get lots of support for their suicidal thoughts all the time and get crisis home treatment. Ive had times where ive ended up in resus for attempted suicide and no one gave a fuck then and no one gives a fuck now.sound so selfish

why am i still alive

i am finding it soo hard to breath this morning

Hey there Shaunie.

Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time at the moment though as Lucy mentioned it's great to see you still being so helpful and supportive with everyone on the boards even though you're feeling rough. You mentioned that it seems like nobody cares how you feel, are there any specific instances that make you think that which you'd like to talk about?

I know we here at The Mix care a great deal about how you're feeling and I hope the support you get on the boards helps you feel a little better. Please keep us all updated with how you're doing and if there's anything any of us can do to help don't hesitate to ask.

- Riley

Hey Shaunie,

Sorry to hear how you're feeling - people here care about you!x

Hope you're feeling a little betterx

Much love

Thank you all

its always the morning i always feel at my worst

i had group therapy yesterday. Was okay. Just dont really understand

& really struggling with eating disorder & gaining weight

& Ive never told anyone this, i hope dont go against rules, not even told samaratins text service cause just really odd. But i dont care anymore lol.
Hope doesnt go against rules of self harm methods. It is such a odd thing that i dont know, please dont ban me if does, wont say again, if is think is okay & not graphic,

it is a self harm method (i think) but doubt anyone can relate so probably not triggering to anyone. & mostly like chance i will edit over this again lol

i keep remember the time of where he would press down on my lower stomach & i just remember it hurting so bad, so now i do it too much & it actually really does hurts & i think i deserve that & to keep remembering. But now sometimes i get a massive sharp pain there randomly and i think i may have damamged myself now, either my bladder or uterus and have been doing that for a while. But its better than my alternative thoughts of how i actually want to harm myself there.

So alone and sad

i wanna hurt myself:(

Hey @Shaunie, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling

do you want to talk about what happened at group therapy some more, as you mentioned you don't understand?

I hope sharing more here might be a bit of a relief? To be honest, knowing some of what you have been through, I do not think what you've shared is odd. You are tormenting yourself in this way by re-living what happened, a lot of us do that in our heads by thinking and overthinking about bad experiences. I think it would be really beneficial to mention in group therapy/to your GP if you feel you can? As it sounds like you're worried about your health, maybe GP would be the way to go if you can? Are you speaking with anyone about the eating disorder too?

Aside from that I just wanted to say I know that sometimes you feel alone and that nobody cares, but we really do care about you here, Shaunie, it wouldn't be the same place without you. Hope you're feeling OK this evening?

- Lucy

Group therapy doesnt seem to help with exactly BPD. More about how i spend my time. And is almost like “if you actually did something with your life you wouldnt feel this way” but i can still have a life (by ‘life’ i just mean not doing nothing) and have BPD. And its like theyre saying “ignore the symptoms and get on with life” so dont really understand. But if i felt better id want a life. Not just trying to give a me a life when i can barely see past tomorrow i wont be able to find motivation to keep up. Probably just me being depressing tho. & probably would be rude if i said how i felt

Dont think my gp would care. & quite embarassing tbf. Tho i feel sure i am have damaged myself. & they dont care when i say i want to hurt my stomach (in different way) They disregard the convo like ive said something v small. They probably think i am a coward & wouldnt do what i say. But they have no idea what have been through & the thoughts it gives me & how hopeless i get.

I dont get help for eating disorder anymore. Did do but i gained weight & dont think they care about that either. Tho i still feel shit & still really underweight. I aint dying so why does anyone care about how i feel.

Thank you @Lucy307

Hey @Shaunie

First off the bat have to say that I do not agree with your description of yourself, you are nothing anywhere near "scum" and the way you support people across the boards is admirable

It's been amazing to read this thread because there have been such a variety of topics covered.

Dealing with past traumatic events is extremely complicated when we are young and trying to figure out who we are. There is an element of truth to past events accumulating to the total of what we are today, but we are definitely more than the sum of our past experiences. Those experiences change us (even if we don't like to admit they do) and make us put up defence mechanisms, but they don't change what our core principles are (e.g. your obvious empathy).

You mentioned your group therapy, has there been another opportunity for you to talk about your volunteering aspirations?

It seems a bit unsafe not to mention your stomach problems to your GP. As much as you say you don't think they would care, do you think you might regret not saying anything in the future if it does turn out to be something dangerous?

I hope today has been an OK day, and I'm sorry if this was a bit long - hopefully you find it a little bit helpful. We all care about you so much

Thank you. Am just feeling really bad.
And hopeless and stuck

Triggerrr warning

I just keep half planning my death while realiseing it would be a wrong time as something happens or something. So then actually never plan. But if i am going to die. There will never a “right” time where is less stressful for my family. Like atm my sister has been moving house and can see is so stressful

Its not even that i think my family care about specifcally about me. I jsut know they dont want stress of someone dying & paying for a funeral while they have other stresses. It seems to be the only thing keeping me alive right now. But it will always be a stressful. I am safe right now. I just feel so sad and like no one cares and feel like dont take my suicidal thoughts seriously.

So sad omg. Actually hurts.

Dont think anyone even hear how much i wanna die

or believe me. Only will if dead

(((((((((((((😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I can even tell that Samaritans don’t even want to waste too much of their time speaking to me so use their quick slang text talk of “4””u””wud””abt”

No one wants to speak to me.

Shaunie said:

Its not even that i think my family care about specifcally about me. I jsut know they dont want stress of someone dying & paying for a funeral while they have other stresses. It seems to be the only thing keeping me alive right now. But it will always be a stressful. I am safe right now. I just feel so sad and like no one cares and feel like dont take my suicidal thoughts seriously.

How come you feel like nobody takes your suicidal thoughts seriously, @Shaunie?

This can be difficult, but it's sometimes worth digging into these feelings we have about ourselves and exploring what's behind them. Are we projecting our own feelings about our self-worth on to others or do we have reason to believe that's how they really feel? We're very good at the projection - a handy way to make ourselves feel even worse than we already do. 🙄

For what it's worth, Samaritans almost certainly won't be talking like that to save time (how much time would that actually save I wonder?). I would imagine they have a lot of volunteers on these channels, and they'll probably talk in different ways. I highly doubt it's a personal thing. Well done for talking to them, by the way.

Keep venting for as long as you need - we'll always be here. 🙂

Unrelated, but I have to say I let out a giggle seeing Samaritans using text speak - I didn't know they did that!

thank you. Yeah do think maybe about self worth maybe

ah yeah probbly how they text but lol still make some effort.🙃

i had group therapy today and just finished it. Did not go well at all 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i had to leave the session because i just started crying lol how embarrassing.😭😭😭😭😭 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Them i stopped part of the season for like 10 mins because i was speaking to the person who runs it. In the corador. But we spoke for half an hour while they carrier on.. And she was just asking me whats wrong and why i choose the darkest picture to describe how i was feeling. And i was just like it is overwhelming sometimes when i can barely see past tomorrow. And i said about how i think i am more depressed then BPD. And said how it all makes me feel. And she was like we need to adress that aswell and need support with that. She was really lovely tho And she said going to speak with my CC tomorrow. Ive been saying how low i feel for ages and no ones been listening. What difference would it make. But shes said she is going to get duty to ring me today.

I feel so bad & It was really embarrassing.

Duty didnt even ring me:( everyone always ignores how suicidal i am. Feel like ill be one of those cases where theyre wondering how i got let down , with my thoughts once its too late & dead. Tho i am safe

& feel distressed - just woke up from the most horrible dream😭😭😭😭😭

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