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Hi. i am disgusting scum, liar and racist

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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Thank you @Lucy307 and @Aife

    feeling quite low. Did go to group therapy was okay. I just think i am stupid for life lol. But there is other sites other than doIt.org and gunna look more for volutering places as couldnt see anything and the social worker said she can come with me to the voluterring centre which didn’t even know existed. But im thinking maybe I could email care homes near me asking if they are taking on voluters?

    and in therapy we had a speaker speak to us about “greenback yard” that’s in the centre and way to socialise and is free and can do creative stuff or something still kinda confused on what is tbh but sounded interesting and we are all gunna go as a group on a day. 

    atm feel physical ill aswell and I know probably need to book in for more blood tests but my gp is suspose to give me appiontmnent for blood tests sometime in the new year anyway to see if my levels have increased since I am suppose to be taking pills/supplements of iron and folic acid. But I haven’t been taking any of them. I just took it for a few days and that was it. Yet I spent  over £20 on them 😒just forget and hate pills
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    i dont Think any of it is possible tho. And had to do chart and made me feel shitty
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    I do feel actually sorry for myself when I end up home alone and I start crying with no energy to barely move But trying so hard to not kil myself. Definelty most painful thing and lonely & desperate feeling  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Shaunie said:
    I do feel actually sorry for myself when I end up home alone and I start crying with no energy to barely move But trying so hard to not kil myself. Definelty most painful thing and lonely & desperate feeling  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    Sorry. Not that anyone cares but obviously 
    I am still alive

    I am disappointed aswell 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    :’( dont want to do it anymore. :’(
    I cant leave my bed this morning I feel too low and heavy. How will I ever be able to have a life :’(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry. Don’t reply to me. I am no one
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks guys. Thanks for caring when I feel at one my worst. 

    Am I annoying? Please tell me if I am annoying. I won’t be offended- it will help and I will shut up 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Shaunie said:
    Sorry. Don’t reply to me. I am no one
    Shaunie said:
    Thanks guys. Thanks for caring when I feel at one my worst 
    Wow and I tell myself I am not fucked up...

    Shaunie said:
    Am I annoying? 
    Just found the answer to this. Nevermind. Sorry I am annoying &

      I will shut up now.

    So sorry 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    Sorry Buddy I’ve only just seen these 💖

    you know i care and don’t find you annoying 

    I’m sorry I can’t offer more than a Hug 🤗 

    stay strong buddy you’ve gotten through this before so I know you can do it again 😘
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Oh Shaunie you're not annoying! We're all here for you and we care about your well-being <3

    Sending hugs xo anything you want to talk about we're all ears 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    don’t be sorry Buddy 💖 you’ve got nothing to be sorry for 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Well is about the 6th time I’ve heard/read the treatment for BPD in different parts of England. And they basically all get DBT for a whole year while have 1-2-1 sessions with someone. Every week. While where I live - i get 6 weeks of DBT with not really any 121. Only occasionally seeing my CC and then basically get told I need to get a life to feel better. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Group therapy was okay. Had another speaker for group therapy. People from Richmond fellowship who help employ people ect. And this week one of the OTs are going to ring me and we are going to meet and look online for voluterring together and look at the skills part ect. 

    But now have 2 week break from group therapy cause Christmas and new year. But idek what week I am in group therapy and kinda don’t wanna know cause don’t want it to be the end soon cause I’m so lonely
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey Shaunie,

    I dont have any great advice but I know what its like to feel let down by mental health services, and you deserve so much more. I know how hard it is for you to look at things like volunteering so I am really proud of you for taking that step, you're so brave shaunie! Also just wanted to remind you that I care about you a lot and I think ur a super special person. Sending all the love and hugs your way 

    xxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie , 

    So sorry I have only just picked up these messages, I only log in once a week but I'm really sorry you didn't get replies straight away as it sounds like you were hurting :disappointed: I can assure you that you are not annoying in the slightest, you give everyone lovely advice and you sharing here will also be helping other people altho you don't know it. 

    On the pills - I have to take some every day too and I set myself an alarm on my phone so I remember. I know it's a habit and it's hard to re-start when you have stopped but do you think it might help you to do the same? As you said you had spent 20 quid on them I thought it was worth the suggestion :smile:
    Shaunie said:
    Group therapy was okay. Had another speaker for group therapy. People from Richmond fellowship who help employ people ect. And this week one of the OTs are going to ring me and we are going to meet and look online for voluterring together and look at the skills part ect. 

    This sounds brilliant! Do you have any idea when they will be in contact? I'm so pleased they are going to help with your volunteering, I think it will be really good for you. Looking forward to hearing the updates!!

    How are you feeling today? Sending hugs as always <3

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Thank yous

    I see the OT Thursday. but don’t see the point in any of t anymore. Even if I do voluterr and have the confidence too (which not very likely anyway as i am stupid) then I’d still be in a job I hate and I can’t stand it anymore. If it’s not the weekend where I am hating it - it’s week days where I am dreading it just thinking about it makes me want to die. But there isn’t a way out. I can’t quit cause then I’d have no money at all and I can’t find a new job cause I’d also hate it as I’ve looked and all sound like I’d hate it and don’t want to work in retail or basic job dead end. All I have is GCSE’s, though they are actually quite good GCSE’s, suprisingly as I am stupid but where are GCSEs going to get me. I’ve basically done nothing since school

    ive clearly messed up my life and no one way out but to die 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey shaunie, 

    I see ur also up in the middle of the night lol - just want to send you lots of hugs. Also, it is never too late to change ur career. I did a degree then completely changed my mind on what I wanted to do and went back to college to do an access course. I know you mentioned wanting to help people - have you looked at possible ideas for careers around that? You could look into doing an access course or similar if you dont feel you have enough qualifications theres even things like open university where you can do modules individually so its not too much pressure. 

    Anyway, I understand if you dont want to do any of that stuff its just a bit of food for thought!! 

    thinking of you xxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Thank you @Jellyelephant <3

     Ah yeah I used to think about finding something but I went online and dunno if I was looking at the right place but it seemed like you need to be really clever and to have got A levels and I think I’m too stupid for a actual job in health and social care. And I used to study health & social care level 3 for two years & found it interesting but like I failed that at the end and I have literally no money to do anything but i don’t know if need a lot of money or they can help with that or. And I also wanted to gained more confidence in doing volutering first to see if I’m actually confident enough to speak and help people. Lol. But now I think about it, could probably study something along side voluterring but have no money anyways.

    And I did mention this to my CC and she randomly said “at your age I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life either”. But when I did I ever say I didn’t know what I wanted to do :// I know I want to help people in some form but she probably thinks it’s cause I’m too stupid & not confident aswell.  
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    Hi Shaunie

    It's wonderful to hear about your ambitions to support others, just being on the boards and in chat is amazing experience (I've even used it in interviews before I became a volunteer here!). @Jellyelephant had some great suggestions too, I don't have any experience of social care courses, but I've done all sorts of free things online related to my job!

    Volunteering sounds like an amazing way to build your confidence, I'm not sure if you volunteer anywhere already but Do It is a great place to look for opportunities near you. Also the Young Women's Trust support young women (of course!) into work and volunteering.

    Hope today is going okay for you <3
    Caroline
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. Don’t think I’ve heard of young women’s trust but will look

    had appointment with the OT this morning & I thought was just gunna look at volunteering but she was asking me all sorts of questions & was quite long. Now I am confused as I felt like she was talking about going back into education. We spoke a lot about past education & I was just like I am stupid and she was saying getting B’s and C’s for all your GCSEs isn’t stupid & that she sees me lot differently than how I see myself & i don’t know I guess she was thinking about long term and for a job and spoke a lot about education stuff & then did look at do.it.org & found something that’s with older people so will be emailing them at some point as we made a draft email & will be meeting up with her again to speak about stuff more
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    Have a look into the Prince’s trust - are if there’s any of there courses around you they do courses on getting you back into education and employment and even confidence and self esteem building etc 😄
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    I want to kil my self :(. Just sad & fed up
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    Awesome that you're thinking about volunteering @Shaunie. :) Volunteering and education can help give a bit of direction in daily life, which can be super important for good mental health. Long-term, do you think social work is something you'd like to get back into?

    As a sidenote, Bs and Cs are very respectable grades to get at GCSE level. You're certainly not stupid, and as @Past User mentioned, being here is great experience and you probably have more emotional intelligence than most. :)

    Keep us posted on how you're feeling and how this progresses. Lots of respect for you being open to this stuff - not an easy thing to explore when feeling super low.
    Post edited by TheMix on
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Mike

    . I would like to get back into health and social care stuff as find the general thing interesting but idk in what way :///

     I can’t even find the voluterning thing I was looking at with the OT on her phone - to send an email yet. Like can’t tell if it’s been taken down or I’m not looking properly but need to send the email otherwise don’t want her to feel she’s wasting her time and also cause sounds interesting too
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Shaunie

    Work/volunteering is always a great way to take your mind off things and it's great news to hear that you are interested in getting back into health and social care :smile:.

    Would be looking into doing something different to what you were doing previously or would you like to continue with what you were doing before?

    As @Mike said in the previous comment your GSCE grades are highly respectable and B's/C's are a great achievement! :grin:

    I hope your search goes well and that you're okay :smile:

    ---------
    Adam
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