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Hi. i am disgusting scum, liar and racist

ShaunieShaunie :):England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
noppe i am not a new person.  But still introducing who i am & under this โ€œintroduce yourselfโ€ thing it said โ€œwho are you, who are youโ€ so i couldnt help but answer that & let you all know who i am. ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ™‚.
I feel okay ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

There is nothing more to my idenity other than I AM A DISGUSTING DIRTY SKANK. Some even say i deserve to be shot. 

Need to say cause soemtimes i seek support and then i am like. โ€”โ€”No wait. They dont know me. They dont know how disgusting i am and being too kind to a disgusting person. 

No one wants to even touched by a rapist but i had no chioce but to pee on one. I cant think of a more disgusting thing ๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท. He would press down on my stomach where my bladder is which made it really hard to breath, did it until - he made sure i would become the SCUM OF EARTH. Sometime, a lot of times, i look at my body & i just want to not eat & harm it & die. Theres also a chance i over agagerated this to the police when was stressed and angry. I LIED ABOUT RAPE ๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท. also lot of times i feel sick when i see someone of the same ethnicity of who he was and it remembers me of him & then i feel bad for BEING A RACIST.

 I am sadly stuck in this disgusting body. I didnt want to be this disgusting :โ€™(

i am so sorry to those who have been kind to me without knowing how scummy i am. You have been speaking to someone who is the equalivent of a piece of shit.  


I also love my dog xxxxxxxxxxxxx๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ 

& im heavily sad yet so empty sad & a complusive person - tryin to work on that one

why shoukd we have to be ashamed
& my name is actually Shevaun, Shaunie is a nickname but get called any & im 20 & female & disgusting scum. 
They said the devil doesnt exist but they also said i dont have soulmates in hell

and i really wish i wasnt here but sorry


& thats all really. 

I dont think i am okay


But Welcome to new members :)
 Xxxxxxxxxx

โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
LabraBellTheAprilFoolLaine

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    If ever see this user - deserve to be in prison or better dead. 

    Pls kill me
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    But not my dog
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,186 Moderator
    Though this was an intense read, it's brave of you to post this @Shaunie. It takes a lot of courage to confront your darkest thoughts about yourself, and I can't imagine what it took for you to write them out so frankly. How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?

    It's interesting that you posted this in the introduce yourself forum - is it fair to say that this interpretation of yourself is linked quite strongly to your identity?

    Everything you mentioned here is as a result of something that happened to you; something that somebody inflicted on you. You didn't do this; you didn't ask to be assaulted or exploited. You are not to blame for the ripples of that trauma that you're feeling now, whatever form they take - insecurities around people you associate with your abuser (by the way, the fact you feel bad about that shows your empathy), not giving a fully accurate report of what happened, or feeling like you just need to escape the physical body that went through all this.

    I wonder if it's worth taking a moment to think - to really think - about the difference between the person you choose to be every day and the lasting effects of going through something traumatic? Most days, you're on here supporting people - taking time out of your day just so someone can be in a little bit less pain. No matter what thoughts go through your head, you stay alive - you're here now after enduring this for a long time. And somehow through all of this, you've stayed kind.

    You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us. 

    This ended up longer than planned, but felt it was important to explore this a little and introduce another perspective. :)

    (I've also moved this to Health & Wellbeing as this feels like a support thread above all else)
    'Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?'

    < 3
    TheAprilFool
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    Thank you Mike

    I did put it in introduction part cause is just how i see myself and also because i didnt wanna wasted more peoples time supporting me but still appercate it either way. Feel a lil bit better - ive had a lil nap since writing this & can see that there may be a slight different perspective 
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
    TheAprilFoolMike
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    I feel sick & wanna die
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
    TheAprilFool
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    Kno fed up of suicidalstuff & me but im so lonely & sad & dont know much longer can do it
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
    TheAprilFool
  • LabraBellLabraBell England, B68.Posts: 141 The Mix convert
    edited November 8
    Mike said:
    Though this was an intense read, it's brave of you to post this @Shaunie. It takes a lot of courage to confront your darkest thoughts about yourself, and I can't imagine what it took for you to write them out so frankly. How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?

    It's interesting that you posted this in the introduce yourself forum - is it fair to say that this interpretation of yourself is linked quite strongly to your identity?

    Everything you mentioned here is as a result of something that happened to you; something that somebody inflicted on you. You didn't do this; you didn't ask to be assaulted or exploited. You are not to blame for the ripples of that trauma that you're feeling now, whatever form they take - insecurities around people you associate with your abuser (by the way, the fact you feel bad about that shows your empathy), not giving a fully accurate report of what happened, or feeling like you just need to escape the physical body that went through all this.

    I wonder if it's worth taking a moment to think - to really think - about the difference between the person you choose to be every day and the lasting effects of going through something traumatic? Most days, you're on here supporting people - taking time out of your day just so someone can be in a little bit less pain. No matter what thoughts go through your head, you stay alive - you're here now after enduring this for a long time. And somehow through all of this, you've stayed kind.

    You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us. 

    This ended up longer than planned, but felt it was important to explore this a little and introduce another perspective. :)

    (I've also moved this to Health & Wellbeing as this feels like a support thread above all else)
    My God, Mike. I don't think I've said this before but your comments always seem to have such a relaxing / positive / supportive effect. I don't know if it's just me but it seems to happen every time, even when the comments aren't directed towards myself. don't ask, but it brings to mind one of those lifesize, cuddly teddy bears! xD

    Seriously though. You deserve all the appreciation you can get :P

    -

    @Shaunie, I'm in that position too. I understand how hard it is to keep going when you feel like there's nothing left to continue for. 

    I wish I could help you not be lonely. I'll just reiterate that I'm always here to talk in PMs if you need me, even if that's just a chat about anything. Sorry I keep repeating myself but I just want to make sure you know I mean it lol

    Seconding everything Mike said here. most of it is similar to what I said in the other post but there are still a few things that I didn't mention, that he has. 

    You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us. 

    Particularly this phrase, which I really love. In fact I love it so much that I'm going to be putting it on my signature. Thanks Mike!

    But what I'm saying is... well, I don't really know what I'm saying. The phrase says it all :sweat_smile:
    "You don't have to be that courageous, empathetic, good-natured person - you choose to be. That's who you are. Our choices are what define us, not the things that are inflicted on us."

    -Mike

    -=-=-=-=-

    "Remember that you arenโ€™t your emotions, Emma. You are what you do, and youโ€™re doing all the right things."

    -Paul, Childline
    ShaunieMike
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    edited November 8
    Thank you!
    am so sad. I think i may ring my gp tomorrow and ask for an appointment cause no one else seems to care about how suicidal i am :โ€™( and they wont give me medication for my mental health which i think is wrong. So maybe pointless

    I just feel everyday i am getting more suicidal and that i just really feel wont be alive soon :โ€™( just really fed up now & want to leave ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    edited November 8
     How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?


    I think if i did that (read it back) id ask you to delete it tbh. Because barely like scrolling past it lol. Need to accept things but cant. I dk how to. I complusly do it - like i think this post was - out of implusive insense self hate. Maybe will be able to read it again at some point. 
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
    LabraBellTheAprilFoolMike
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 158 The Mix convert
    Shaunie said:
     How do you feel after posting on this and reading it back?


    I think if i did that (read it back) id ask you to delete it tbh. Because barely like scrolling past it lol. Need to accept things but cant. I dk how to. I complusly do it - like i think this post was - out of implusive insense self hate. Maybe will be able to read it again at some point. 
    I hope you're doing okay. It sounds like there is a lot going on for you and I hope you're getting some help with it all. 

    I don't think that the words you have used to describe yourself here are really a true reflection of who you are. The fact that you correct the automatic thoughts you have at seeing a person of a certain ethnicity indicate that you are not actually racist. I know that it can be hard to deal with that kind of intrusive thought, but it's important to remember that the conscious thought you have to override the automatic thought is a more accurate representation of who you really are. These traits come from an experience rather than being your actual opinion, so please try not to beat yourself up over it (I know that's easier said than done).

    I hope you start to feel better soon <3
    Shaunie
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 703 Incredible Poster
    I really hope you feel better soon Shaunie <3 

    nobody can fathom what happened to you but we're all here for you during it.

    you're not a racist at all its just because of the traumatic event, our minds make associations, there was this one girl in college who looked similar to my ex and it really unnerved me, but she's a super lovely person and i find it easier these days.

    our brains are smart and high functioning but they try their best to protect us. if you were bitten by a dog your brain would associate that with all dogs to protect you.

    Its really horrible of course but i hope you can realise how much of a strong, independent, and amazing person you are. it takes so much strength to get up and do every day and while some may feel really rubbish, you do them x

    every day you continue is showing them up and proving them wrong.

    its okay not to be okay, but please remember we're all here at the mix, mods and users and that we will always care <3

    ๐ŸŒˆPositive thoughts๐ŸŒˆ 


    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older" ~ Avicii

    "The months go by and I only feel worse,  try to forget the ones who forgot you first"  ~ Man Overboard


    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    ShaunieLabraBell
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    Thank you all!!

    i still cant read what i orginally wrote lol kinda forgetten but really dont wanna read it. 

    But feeling really low rn. Normally grouo therapy makes me feel better. But when asked on if im satisified with my daily routine i was like no cause its mostly coloured in with โ€œgettng through the dayโ€ and she asked about what i want to change. I said i want to volutteer and she was like โ€œare you sure youre not saying that cause you feel you have toโ€ then she started talking about โ€œrealistic goalsโ€ its fucking realistic goal and now making me question my whole life
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
    Aife
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 348 Rampant Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    Just wanted to say I think you are a lovely person, you are always very kind and supportive of users on here, sorry but I can't agree that you are scum. What you've been through is horrible and I'm sorry it happened but it doesn't define you as a person. 

    Don't let what the group therapy person said about realistic goals to heart, volunteering is a realistic goal she probably was just surprised because maybe she doesn't get that response too often - maybe people are usually a little more selfish than that. 

    Sending you hugs.

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    edited November 14
    Thank you Lucy

    im not sure why she made out like volunteering is somethin i cant do because i think i can. 

    will probably edit & delete this whole thing in a few mins cause how enbarrassed i feel Sorry if youre unlucky enough to read this
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    Omg lol was literally was able to edit that with few seconds left  ๐Ÿ™ƒ
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    I cant do this anymore. :โ€™(. I feel so disgusting and embarassed and ashamed. Im just going to lay in bed and hope to sleep soon before i try to kil myself
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
  • ShaunieShaunie :): England ๐Ÿ Posts: 2,338 Mega Poster
    edited November 15
    I dont get it. Why does no one care about how suicidal i get. I read people who get lots of support for their suicidal thoughts all the time and get crisis home treatment. Ive had times where ive ended up in resus for attempted suicide and no one gave a fuck then and no one gives a fuck now.sound so selfish

    why am i still alive

    i am finding it soo hard to breath this morning
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.โ€ ~ Marvin J Ashton ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ
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