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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018

    i need a life😭
    why do i feel like i am  the one with the life sentence😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @Shaunie

    You don't deserve to die at all for what's happened, I'm so sorry to hear that you think you do. Everything that's happened isn't your fault and you're not a bad person for what you said. Feeling like no one will hear or understand how bad this was is something that I'm sure so many people are experiencing when making statements to the police. When someone has gone through such awful and traumatic experiences, their statements aren't always going to be completely accurate. Sometimes trauma can make someone forget important details or remember things differently and it can take time before they remember what happened. You're so brave and strong for making a statement, and even if you decide not to go further with it, what you said could actually help someone else if they ever report him too.
    Ive thought about ways to help myself & ive thought about going back to the police cause i think you can retract things or somethin.But think police would judge me- but then why would i even go through all that if none of it happened. But ive thought about it enough times to make my mind up to just not go further. I feel so many emotions just thinking about it, & it all makes me wanna literally throw up😭😭😭& just cant handle it😭😭😭
    Is redoing your statement something you'd want to do? I've had a look online too and I can't find much information either, but that doesn't mean you're alone in what you're going through. There are lots of organisations out there who can give you more information and advice on what your options and rights are if that's something you'd find helpful. You could try Rape Crisis, Victim Support or Rights of Women. You deserve support just as much as anyone else. You shouldn't have to feel this much pain. He's hurt you enough already, try not to let him keep hurting you for something that wasn't your fault. <3

    Keep fighting Shaunie , we're here for you <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Is redoing your statement something you’d want to do?

    Im sorry i dunno how to answer this atm. So many things keep coming to my mind & keep going blank.  But Think Part of me just doesnt want to think anymore and just die 😭. Cause i dk anymore. & think if try to type everything on my mind. - it would be too much that no one would wanna read

    But Idek if im stable enough to go back, feel like id end up throwing up. And i feel embarrased even thinking about how much of a mess i was last time tryin to speak. 

     But thank you so much <3! & Ive had a look at those websites womans rights only give legal advice through phone and dont feel comfortable with that. But think can email victim support but not sure if can email them to ask advice on this stuff. 

    But im just feeling really low 😭 i cant sleep and just beyond tired and fed up.
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey lovely @Shaunie

    I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling low at the moment :disappointed:. Sending you massive hugs. Did you get round to emailing victim support? I think it might be useful to talk to them, they will be able to tell you for certain that you're not alone in what you are going through. 

    What you went through was not your fault at all, I'm sorry to hear that it sounds like you are still blaming yourself. Rape is rape and it doesn't matter how many times you went through it, it's just as bad either way and it wasn't your fault what he did to you. You don't deserve to be feeling like this at all. I do understand why you think it is partly your fault, I thought the same about my experience, but eventually I hope you come to realise that it is his and only his fault (like I did).

    Is your CC appointment tomorrow again, and how are you feeling about the advice she gave you last time? It was lovely to see you were feeling slight better last Tues after your appointment, I hope it helps a bit again this week.

    Always here for you, keep going <3

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Hey Lucy!!
    Ah na i havent got round to emailing them yet, kinda too worried -to even think of what to write :/

    Is really hard not to blame myself cause i genuierly sometimes just think either something wrong with me to let go so extreme or didnt do enough. But i wouldnt blame anyone else for same thing  as blame is all on other person

    I see CC on thursday instead, suprisingly i havent had much chance to take on her advice - my mood is contant depression but get intense mood swings of planning or acting suicide & she told me thats when to try “shock self harm” stuff for when do but hasnt been as bad this week. Ive still felt/feel really awful & suicidal thoughts this week, tho just not to extreme as havent exactly planned my death & not self harmed
    and i think cause sharing everything here has helped a lot so thank you <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Im getting soo soo triggered. My family are catching up on casuality and one of people is reporting rape to the police. My family have no idea i have reported rape to police,  i told them to turn it off but they aint 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭cant cope with with watchig a tv program let alone life 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. Really want to be dead
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    They just said conviction rates for rape is 7% theres no point anymore anyway
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Made me think too much about whats already happened😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭cant take this
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Now its showing a suicide scene😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭omg
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,577 Part of The Furniture
    edited August 2018
    Shaunie said:
    Now its showing a suicide scene😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭omg
    Eek! This is crappy - nothing worse than feeling like you're stuck somewhere you don't want to be. :( Are you able to leave the room? Maybe go for a quick walk? Or (my personal favourite) take a spontaneous long shower?
    Shaunie said:
    They just said conviction rates for rape is 7% theres no point anymore anyway
    This is interesting, too. Some research has been done around this and that figure can actually be a little misleading. In an (admittedly old) article written by The Guardian, they said the conviction rate is far higher - 58%. That means that once a case goes to court, there's a 58% of a conviction.

    The 7% figure you see around is an attrition rate - the percentage of total reports that lead to a conviction. Although that might not sound much better, I guess the difference is that if you do get a case to a court, the chance of that person being convicted becomes much higher.

    Of course, take what you like from that info, but hopefully that's less discouraging with the full context? Aware this is a seriously tough battle to be fighting, and I'm sure the last thing you want is any more discouragement than you may be already feeling.
    Shaunie said:
    I see CC on thursday instead, suprisingly i havent had much chance to take on her advice - my mood is contant depression but get intense mood swings of planning or acting suicide & she told me thats when to try “shock self harm” stuff for when do but hasnt been as bad this week. Ive still felt/feel really awful & suicidal thoughts this week, tho just not to extreme as havent exactly planned my death & not self harmed
    and i think cause sharing everything here has helped a lot so thank you <3
    So wonderful to hear sharing things here has been helping. If opening up here helps to alleviate some of that intensity and give you some space to breathe, that's a win worth celebrating. :)

    What's 'shock self-harm'? Not a term I've come across before.
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Thats interesting to read. Thank you Mike. 

    Ah basically calls it ‘shock self-harm’ cause meant to shock your body like really holding ice in your hands which actually hurts but appently a healthy self harm alternative. But like surely just still self harming as it hurts but just meant to try to take mind of others things. & less likely to actually self harm , thats something i was meant to try then tell her if i did it, but yeah i havent & i dont see how could be that much help. But i think maybe if get too sceptical on these sort then it definlity just doesnt work
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I self harmed. 😭really sad. Im a total fuck up. Wanna die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Im being so so selfish for posting again. I dont mean to post like anyone cares. & dont mean to waste peoples time by reading this. I dont mind if i speak to myself. cause dont deserve help

    but saw abusers friend while was scrolling through instagram. And i told him ages ago that his friend is a rapest and he didnt believe me. Like probably most people so no point anymore. Think tried to block that out but comes back twice as hard.

    Going to police and formally reporting is only way i will feel better ; feel more in control of myself and to be believed. But its not possible anymore. So wtf is goig to help. Death 

    Know this sounds pathetic trigger. Im too sensitive
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,

    You sincerely do deserve everyone's help. We all care about you so much, as you can see from people's responses but what's also been refreshing to see is how much you respect the Mix as a platform. You clarifying that although you're feeling suicidal you feel "safe" implies that you know the power of certain words on the Mix, and you know that people on here will act of you were not safe. We think you're doing so well - massive massive hugs right now <3

    Feeling like you aren't being believed is a completely natural thing to experience. But you know that people on here, like me, Aife, Lucy, Riley, all believe you. I get that you might still sometimes get hung up on thinking that you didn't tell the whole truth to the police, but the fundamentals of what you said was true - and that's what matters. Do you feel that you want to change your police statement? Will this help the process? 

    Triggers are examples of how wierdly our minds work. Although an Instagram post may seem a sensitive trigger, the trauma that you have gone through will have made you hyper-sensitive to some things. 

    I found what you said about when you dreamt of him suffocating you interesting. In a book I read recently about sleep (titled 'Why We Sleep' by Professor Matthew Walker - a neuroscientist and sleep expert) the book talks about why we have recurring traumatic dreams. A theory put forwards in the book is that these recurring traumatic dreams do not relive the physical events, but instead relive the emotions of the trauma. Apparently, among the scientific community, dreams are thought to be a method for people dealing with a traumatic event to try and overcome their trauma - dream therapy. I don't know whether this will help but I thought it was interesting. 

    It's great to hear that you feel that sharing with the Mix community has helped. Now that you have begun to talk about what happened it is natural to feel confused about all the conflicting things you want to say. As humans, we are creatures that love to talk. And often we need to talk in able to think. Sometimes you don't actually know how you feel about something until you speak it aloud (or write it on the Mix) and it's only after that do you know whether you really agree with what you said. So it's OK to say things that are inconsistent. You have started the conversation now - which is a really important achievement to have made. 

    My final question would be: now you have opened up to the Mix, do you think you might be getting closer to talking to one of your family members? Maybe your elder sister who you initially just replied to by saying "thank you"? 

    Can't express enough how much we all care about you Shaunie. You are such a pillar of support on these boards, and now it's only right that we are here to support you. 

    Sending all positive thoughts your way <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit

    Thank you so much @JamJar !! <3 ; for listening & support. 

    The police are actually the ones who said they wouldnt go further anyway because im ‘unstable’. I didnt know thy could do that tbh. But now lookin back i was an emotional mess - so much of a mess they thought i was on drugs :/ but also i was getting involved with police at the time for mental health crisis’. & its probably because i told adviser that if i was to try formally reporting further then atleast i can kil myself without thinking ‘i havent done enough’. Which to her felt like my only motive to reporting it so i can kil myself without having that thought. But i dont think this is my headspace now & not why i want to go further.

    & im sure if i go back to police now being more calm so they can atleast have a proper conversetation with me then theyd probably say different But i just dont think i can even do that & theyd just wonder why i wanna change it ect & that would look bad on me & i hate being judged :/ so doesnt look like an option even if want it & is clearly right that im ‘Too unstable’ cause i didnt even tell whole truth. & its a massive hard process & cant even cope with a bit then see why they said it & ill never be able to. But they told me to start therapy - become a bit more ‘stable’ & then see if its still what i want & kept telling me i aint responsible for this guys actions


    This is really interesting & makes me feel less confused about the same dream i get. Thank you for sharing!
    I found what you said about when you dreamt of him suffocating you interesting. In a book I read recently about sleep (titled 'Why We Sleep' by Professor Matthew Walker - a neuroscientist and sleep expert) the book talks about why we have recurring traumatic dreams. A theory put forwards in the book is that these recurring traumatic dreams do not relive the physical events, but instead relive the emotions of the trauma. Apparently, among the scientific community, dreams are thought to be a method for people dealing with a traumatic event to try and overcome their trauma - dream therapy. I don't know whether this will help but I thought it was interesting. 
    I dont think my older sister cares anymore and is sort of thing where people pretend they care a few days after something has happened. And then go back to same old & would kinda feel like massive burden if did or forced support


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    had my appiontment with CC. Should Start group DBT next week. Omg too scared😭😭 & start seeing the ocupational thearpist in early september. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I just saw the sexual violence adviser (who Used to see) in town. Yeah i think she saw me. Now all of a sudden i feel really shit and dunno why. 😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Wanna die dunno why i feel so shit. Probably becuase i am shit.

    Think Gunna find away to get weed again. Too fed up to try anymore.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @Shaunie

    How did your appointment with your care coordinator go last week? It's good to hear that your group DBT starts next week and you'll start seeing the occupational therapist soon too in September. How are you feeling about everything? Let us know how your first session goes with the group therapy. Hope it goes okay :) 

    It sounds like you've been feeling really low over these past few days, how are you feeling today? It sounds like it was really hard seeing your ISVA in town the other day. Did it bring up a lot of old feelings? 
    & im sure if i go back to police now being more calm so they can atleast have a proper conversetation with me then theyd probably say different But i just dont think i can even do that & theyd just wonder why i wanna change it ect & that would look bad on me & i hate being judged  so doesnt look like an option even if want it & is clearly right that im ‘Too unstable’ cause i didnt even tell whole truth. & its a massive hard process & cant even cope with a bit then see why they said it & ill never be able to. But they told me to start therapy - become a bit more ‘stable’ & then see if its still what i want & kept telling me i aint responsible for this guys actions
    Going back to the police will always be an option for you even if it's something you feel you might not be able to do right now. Even if you wait until after you've started therapy and decide it's not something you want to do then, that's completely okay. It is a hard process to report rape but remember you're not alone and there will be support for you if you do decide to go ahead with it. We'll also be here for you too. When you were seeing your ISVA, did you manage to talk to her about this and how you were feeling about your statement? 

    Stay strong Shaunie <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    Wanna die dunno why i feel so shit. Probably becuase i am shit.

    Think Gunna find away to get weed again. Too fed up to try anymore.
    Sending you hugs Shaunie,

    We are all here for you. :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Thank you @BananaMonkey* @Aife. <3

    My CC wasnt exactly sure about the dates as she doesnt run them but i got a letter and is the week after -start dbt on 31st for 6 weeks then a different group. But she made an appiontmetn with me on 31st which the time is straight after & thats kinda too much. She said she wants to see me every week but couldnt this week so cant even ask her and would have to ring. Though i do find her conversations helpful. I dont really know what to think of DBT til have first session - just sounds stressful but 6 weeks isnt a lot. But i think seeing an occupational theapist could be helpful as i do need ways to occupy my time & help

    i actually tried to speak to ISVA about this ,at one point was overwhelmed & i told her i was lying. She just said somethin like “i really dont think youre lying & wouldnt affect you this much if nothing happened & was dissocated”. Then i tried to ask round the question but wasnt helpful as she assumed stuff. I kinda feel like i need to say it out loud to soemone cause i just keep feeling so horrible & dirty than already am. 

    And i just feel really bad & suicidal cause i just really cant forgive myself and hate myself. And feel like this is annoying to read as not trying hard enough & like im sitting in self pitty all time but feel pretty beaten & weak and so fed up. & a burden 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    edited August 2018
    Shaunie, I honestly wish I knew what to say to help you, I'm so sorry your going through all this :heart:

    Your not a burden, we are all here for you, I think it's very brave of you that your being so open and honest about what your feeling, it's really brave you should be proud of yourself. You can post as much as you want, there will always be somebody around to talk too. 

    Hope your okay :heart:


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Thank you so much. <3

     But im a dirty skank and have lied to the police about rape. Im suprised no one has just been honest again & told me i deserve to be shot 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    You don't deserve anything bad to happen @Shaunie! You're a human being, you've been through a lot and you are being very hard on yourself. I do truly hope you accept in time that you are not a bad person. This is what this place is for, talking and sharing, you are not a burden to any of us, we genuinely care about you as has been said by a few of us already above :smile:

    Can I just say that I love your signature “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
    Pretty much represents the person you are and the support you give to others on here, I hope you are able, at some point, to extend some of that kindness to yourself too <3

    Looks like your next appointment with CC and group therapy are both on the 31st - is that right? Do you know what to expect in group therapy?? I guess you never know until you try!

    Stay strong, hope you are feeling a bit better this evening.

    - Lucy 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Lucy! I love that quote too but so hard to apply to myself. Though i have thought about how would speak to someone else similar. And if someone else I wouldn’t hate them. And also have thought about it in terms of different crimes & then I just wonder why I hate myself. But I dk what is wrong with me. Feel still disgusting and feel like telling my CC just to get it out there. 

    But the sick thing about this is that at one point I actually thought I could maybe carry on with going further with report, even carrying on with my lie. 
    Hate myself feel so sick. 😭


    Looks like your next appointment with CC and group therapy are both on the 31st - is that right? Do you know what to expect in group therapy?? I guess you never know until you try!

    Ah i dont really know what to expect. But there’s a group of 8 people with 2 staff. And talk about ways to manage emotions Going into room with complete strangers 😭 I’m sure they’re all lovely tho but anxious. So maybe seeing CC after might help as maybe stressed
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Wish i was someone else 😭😭😭😭😭 can’t cope with this anymore😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😂😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Omg now I’m thinking I didn’t even lie and I’m totally over thinking this and that it did actually happen that much and I’m over egagerating what I said to the police , in my head because it felt so intense when was saying it that I can’t rven remember exactly what I said now and that I’m minising what actually happened cause he did rape me a lot times that day

    Omg I’m so confused just kill my brain😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 probably did lie tbh cause i was angry 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    The rape service that I said has a like 18 something month wait list rang me today and have been emailing saying they can offer me sessions with a counsellor now. Ive only been on the list since this year. So have been emailing them to say I’m starting therapy but would still like to acces that support. But I don’t think can do both at same time. So I hope they don’t completly take me off it. Was a very quick wait. Compared to the time I’ve been waiting for DBT therapy and they both come at once.

    they are asking me how long will I be in therapy for but I’m not even sure. 

    I feel like I don’t even deserve that sort of support 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    i am am getting so tempted to email back saying I don’t want that support anymore 😭😭😭😭 but feel need it but dont deserve it 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 21 Boards Initiate
    That’s terrible Shaunie, but remember that you’re within such a supportive and loving community here who love and care for your safety and well-being, me included. Please please please message me or anyone else on The Mix for support anytime you’re feeling lonely or suicidal, well always be here for you, even if others you know personally seem to not.

    Suicide is a difficult subject and many people surrounding you may not know how to handle it. I’m sure they care about you so much, but it’s a shocking thing to find out someone you love is unhappy with their life. Maybe talk to them or someone you trust and discuss how you’re feeling and how they can help?

    Im always here if you need a distraction, please don’t hesitate to message me :)

    I hope everything goes well for you lovely xxx💚
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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