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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2018
    ImSo weak 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Omg i hate myself. I deserve to die 😭😭😭😭😭😭done some fucked up things. 😭😭😭😭cant handle guilt and shame😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    edited July 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and have been feeling particularly low over these past few days. It won't always feel like this Shaunie. There will be a time when everything will feel easier. I know it might not feel like that right now, but things can get better. You are so brave and strong and you can get through through this. Like @Riley said, we all really care about you and we're here for you. What's making you want to give up on everything right now? 

    In one of your earlier posts you mentioned that your ISVA has now discharged you. Sounds like that was a really tough meeting :( It's understandable for this to feel difficult. Letting go of someone that's been there for us like your ISVA has is not easy. In one of your other threads, I remember you saying you were worried about this happening. How are you feeling about everything? How are things going with your care co-coordinator? 

    Stay strong Shaunie,

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2018
    The thing thats making me so suicidal is just self hate. I cant stand to even be in my own body &death feels like the only way out :(. Ive done too many fucked up things and just cant handle the shame & guilt that comes with it. I just dont know how ill ever move on from any of this and see no way out:(:(:(:(:(

    that meeting- was like the worst ever.  feel reallyyyy alone now :(:(:( she said can contact her if need help regrading reporting it ect- For some reason i deleted her number & messages. But said she will call in few months to see where at & shes put me on their long term couselling waiting list. I cant even see that far ahead. 

    i havent seen care co ordinator since that meeting - see her next week & only see her every 2/3 weeks. Which feels like actually nothing & dont mean to sound ungrateful as greatful for the nhs. But im just so sad & suicidal & alone. :( But like care co ordintor & shes nice. But just feel she puts me down soemtimes like im not trying or doesnt take me seriously.But all probably how i interpurt somethings
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2018
    (And thank you @Aife )

    im really suicidal right mow and got so triggered. Im getting email notifcations from that site “7 cups” i used ages ago and its notifiying me of messages and someone spamming me and telling me i am dirty slut and a troll and a fake and none of my problems was real. And no one believes me 😭😭😭😭 i feel like someone has either just shot me or taken all my energy out of me. I just replied back and theyre relying instanty telling me i should kil myself and to never waste anyone elses time with my fake problems. Um and im the one whos supposed to be a troll and havent used the site for ages. How fucking low do people need to get. And appeerntly i have many account. Lol i dont. Its the most shittest site ive seen. Why would i even want more than one account 


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    edited July 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    Do you feel safe right now? 

    That sounds awful what those people have been saying to you on that website. Do you have the option to unsubscribe or block these emails or delete your account? It can be really important to protect yourself from these harmful comments. It can be hard, but try not to listen to what they are saying. No one should ever be told to end their life. What you're going through is completely valid and you deserve support. Hope you're okay Shaunie, we're here for you <3

    The thing thats making me so suicidal is just self hate. I cant stand to even be in my own body &death feels like the only way out :(. Ive done too many fucked up things and just cant handle the shame & guilt that comes with it. I just dont know how ill ever move on from any of this and see no way out:(:(:(:(:(

    It sounds like you're feeling a lot of self-hate, guilt and shame at the moment. Would you feel comfortable opening up about why you feel like this? This might not help, but sometimes it can help to say maybe one thing you like about yourself each day. Perhaps write it down on a post-it note and stick them around your room so you can remind yourself of the positive things you like about yourself when those negative thoughts come creeping in. 

    It's okay if you're not sure how you'll ever move on from any of this. It can be hard to know when everything is feeling like they can't ever get better. Sometimes all we need is time because that can help us recover and heal from what's happened. Keep fighting because it will get easier :) 

    Your meeting with your ISVA and care-coordinator does sound like it was a challenging one. It's never easy when that day comes when someone that's been so supportive suddenly ends their support. Sounds like she really cares about you. It's so nice that she said she's there for you if you need any help with reporting what happened. It's good that she's going to call you in a few months and put you on their longer term counselling list too. It’s okay if you can’t see that far ahead yet. Keep taking each day as it comes. Would you find counselling helpful? How long is the waiting list? 

    I'm sorry to hear that your care coordinator puts you down sometimes. We can see that you’re really trying. In one of your other threads you mentioned that you might be having DBT therapy. Is that something that you’ll be starting soon?


    Stay strong Shaunie <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2018
    Hey @Aife
    im safe rn sadly. thanks for asking & going out with my sisters soon. 
     But totally got quickly over those comments now and just deleted account.  Really pathetic of them tho. 

    I dont really feel too comfortable saying why hate myself but know if put in propotion of everythin is not that bad. But i dk if im just justifying it which then maybe makes me more disgusting. Think is hard to find something like about myself lol. But will try. Thank you

    think couselling could help. But the waiting list is like 18 months. I did actually tell her from the start i didnt want that help. But she put me on it anyway as may change my mind and did so i have been on it for a few months already. And she said it could begin when i finsih the DBT and said all that treatment would be realy good as well as occupational therapy (which is with dbt) and spending time with an OT to start finding volterring, jobs ect. But just dont have patience when so suciidal all the time

    Yeah will start dbt soon. Just dunno when. Will ask care co ordinator when see her. So scared of that though as group based stuff
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sorry I've been away from the boards and didn't reply last week :disappointed: I'm so sorry to hear you have been struggling with self hate and guilt and the messages on 7cups sound horrible. Glad you have deleted your account on there, am pretty shocked and disappointed with them tbh. Do you have a timeline for when you will be able to see a counsellor, or is the waiting list like open? Did you say you are seeing your care coordinator next week - are you feeling alright about that?

    I think I mentioned before that I had seen such lovely advice you had given to others on the boards. Do you think you could use some of that kindness for yourself? Whatever has happened/you have done, you still deserve to feel like a human being and we do genuinely care about you here. You have come a long way although it may not feel like it and we are all rooting for you. 

    Massive hugs  <3<3<3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Thank you Lucy <3

    waiting list for coulselling takes like 18 months which is so long- which is with sexual voilence waiting list.
    But with the personality disorder service should start group therapy quite soon. Dont really wanna see CC think i might of been bit rude in last meeting but not sure, hope not

    dont deserve any kindness for myself, everything is my fault but its okay because ill burn in hell
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    I just really wanna be able to write why i hate myself. But dont feel comfortable tbh. (No offence to anyone).

    But just think everyone thinks im some joke. :(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey Shaunie,

    It's okay if you don't feel comfortable sharing. Whenever you feel ready to talk about how you're feeling, we'll all be here for you. We're all on your side and will be here to listen <3

    That does sound like a long wait for counselling, but it's reassuring to hear that your group therapy will be starting soon. It sounds like you're feeling quite worried about it though. What scares you the most about group based sessions? 

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    @Aife <3 thank you

    and think group therapy sounds like it would be something id only start feeling comfortable at the last session or something and would be hard & very anxious at start with new people


    Im really fed up & sad since i woke up today😭😭😭😭😭😭really suicidal :’( i have no future 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 really overwhelmed😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey there Shaunie,

    I'm sorry to hear you've still been having a rough time, from what you've said in this thread it sounds like you're having to cope with a lot and it's understandable that you would feel overwhelmed. I just wanted to check in with you and ask how are you doing at the moment? Has anything changed at all since your post yesterday?

    As @Aife said it's good to hear that your group therapy is starting soon and it makes sense that you would feel worried about it but hopefully you'll find it helpful. Be sure to let us know how it goes and keep us updated on how you're feeling, we're all rooting for you. :+1:

    - Riley
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    😭😭😭😭😭😭 i ended up taking sedatives and slept loads. I rang personality disorder service today. As everytime i ring 111 when i want to die they tell me i need ring the personality disorder serice and ask for crisis call and  only 111 if out of hours. I was in a moment where i wanted to die there and then and they took fucking 40 minutes to ring back. I answer it and said your service is shit and i could be dead by now then put the phone down. I think i need to go to hospital but i dont think any one cares so whats the point anymore  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
     But dont think anyone cares and waiting times just mean waiting  for me to die cause everyone hates me.  

     i cant breath properly 😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018

    POTENTAL TRIGGER WARNING


    😭
    so i tried to kil myself on the 3rd. Out of hospital now. Now i have to pretend nothing has happened and go to work today 😭but work are going to moan at me for going “awol” again and not calling in sick for yesterday😭😭 no one cares about how i feel and my sister is making me go to work because no one will be at home. Id rather die. What do i even tell work. Theyd be like “why did you not come into work & not even phone in” um thought i would be dead to not even have this convo. I dont think i can be honest

    Really sad :( my family hate me. I cant really remember much but i do know my older sister was one who found me & she smashed my mirror from being so angry :( now keeps saying “ how is this fair on anyone else” and making out im selfish & making me feel worse 😭😭shes meant to be a therapist herself 😭 wish i was dead & no one found me til was too late😭😭so so sad 😭😭😭😭😭 no one cares about how i feel just how it makes them feel. They wouldnt be sad if i died- just guilty. Now i feel more awful that im a burden & better off dead. (Sadly im safe rn- just really sad tho)😭😭😭😭😭😭cant live lije this😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    PTW

    really wish i never woke up this morning. Im feeling awful and agaitated im still alive 😭😭. But im safe😔

    my older sister sent me a message saying she knows ive been through something horrible and asked if i want to meet with just her and me - to speak as must feel awful to keep to myself. I didnt know what to put so i just said thank you. I think she read my suicide note. Though i didnt write that much on it 😔 


    i see my care co oridator tomorrow. When i was at hospital one of the crisis person told me that on tuesday (tomorrow) id started the group work. Which i dunno where she got that from but thats not what ive been told. But the crisis person also once told me i am doing the group work then i had to correct her to say ive not started it yet. So she probably got it wrong. Do hope so. 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Sorry. I dont mean to spam. But yeah work didnt say anything to me - i mean my supervisor & managers was both off.  But other staff members knew i went ‘awol’ so maybe they was bitching but they said they was worried. probably more nosiey. I just said i ended up in hospital, they asked why, i just said i dont wanna speak about it but im okay now. But yeah they was lovely either way. But just dread to go next week when my manger & superviosor will be back & will do my return to work.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie,

    Don't be sorry, this is what the boards are here for <3

    I'm really sad to hear about what happened. We really do care about you here and the boards wouldn't be the same without you :cry: I hope your time in hospital wasn't too bad and you at least feel a little relieved to be back at home?

    Understand work is causing a little anxiety but remember you are just as entitled as anyone else to having days off when you aren't well and if you are unable to call in sick then that's fine. It's really nice to hear that your colleagues were lovely to you at work after you were worried. Have you planned what you want to say to your supervisor and manager when they are back in? 

    I'm sorry to hear about how your sister reacted, people have different ways of coping with things and to be honest it sounds like that was hers at the time. You aren't being selfish - I know from all our chats before how hard you have tried to help yourself feel better through seeing your CC, your ISVA, reaching out to 7cups etc and on here. She may not have been thinking about all that (or even been aware of it?) when she made those comments to you. *Hugs*.

    It sounds like since then she has done some thinking and wants to help? I think it sounds like she partly 'gets' why you feel like this and why it isn't your fault. Do you think you will be able to talk to her about it? 

    How are you feeling about seeing your CC tomorrow? 

    Still rooting for you, and here any time you need. 

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Lucy <3 thank you

    glad to be at home, hospital was horrible. 

    I think i will just tell work i was in hospital & was unable to ring in but dont wanna say why.- But not sure if that sounds rude? Or if they ‘have’ to know. 

    . I think my sister was trying to make me see that she cares. But obviusly not exactly the right way to go about it but she was really emotional so i feel really bad :/
    Dont feel like i can talk to her about it at all tbh. We have had small talks about these sorts but have always found it awkward. she works in mental health hospital-  i dont exactly wanna feel like one of her patients or something. 

    Dont really wanna see CC tomorrow tbh. Cause i feel like she is gunna make me feel like shit about the whole thing and say i didnt ring someone like she normaly says-  when i actually did this time. And she speaks to me like not trying.  And i wanna ask why it took over 40 minutes for a crisis call when i said i was v suciidal :/ she told me its meant to be few minutes as its an alternative for 111 as under the service

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey lovely

    Doesn't sound rude at all, you haven't got any obligation to divulge medical stuff to anyone but your doctor - having been in hospital makes it clear it was serious enough to not be able to call. If they push you and you feel comfortable telling them then you can, but don't feel forced into it. If you've had time off in the past, have they asked for the reason or do you think you'd be able to just say you were unwell? 

    Agree it sounds like your sister just went about it in the wrong way, probably the exact opposite of what you needed at that time!! But is definitely showing she cares by reaching out to you. That's totally fair enough and you don't have to talk to her about it if you don't feel comfortable, it's nice of her to offer though. 

    I should hope your CC doesn't make you feel bad, as you said you did try, and as I said before you've been trying to help yourself for a long time. I would bring up the 40 min thing as that's not acceptable, really worrying tbh. Let us know how you get on? Hope it goes ok <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit

    The appiontment went well and see her next week instead of in 3 weeks time. And she said shes been in contact with the occupational therapist to help me get some goals and see what stuff i like & said will also try to get a social worker to help which sound  more hopeful😊 she told me to try shock self harm alternatives like having a freezing shower, - bit sceptical on how that could work at the times i really want to be dead but yeah, will try.

     She kinda made me feel like shit at about how bad my family must feel that im trying to die but they feel like they cant do anything. I was just like i dont think they actually care. And she said my sister wouldnt get angry at something she doesnt care about. Then i got really upset 😭😭😭 but i think she was saying that knowing people care can be what keeps people alive until they want to be alive. 

    But generally feel better now 😊
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    I feel really awful again this morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i just havent been sleeping well & im just so tired. 


    And i really apologie if i ask to get this message deleted after a while


    *****CONTENT WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*******


    . I did something awful so its no wonder why i feel awful. I dont meant to justify any of this because i am disgusting. But i lied to the police about rape. Which the sentence in its self makes me wanna kil myself. Everything i told them happened, hes an awful guy and for a few days he made me pee on him and didnt let me leave his house , he also forced sex. But to the police i said this happened more times this day than it did. I said to the police he raped me more times than actually happened on this day. He raped me many times. So i don’t know why i felt the need to say it more times on this day. I got so angry i just wanted his name to be through mud as much times while saying this incident.  The dates and stuff - none of that actually matter in terms with police because i am not going to further with the person because i cant because i will get seen as the sicko too if found out. But it is on record incase anyone else says the same thing about this guy, which will help them. And i wouldnt be suprised if hes done to others so i really just hope someone does. Idc what content i lied about it- i did. I feel like the criminal now though. &  aint justifying it but i was so stressed and felt so angry i literally couldnt even think properly and i don’t know what happened. It wasnt intentional. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i didnt think i could hate myself or be anymore disgusting since the day he forced me to do that. But i feel twice as worse now just trying to report it and i completly hate myself & i dk what to do anymore. I feel i cant ever move on from this. Please someone help i fel awful 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i dont even deserve help. I think the best thing i can do just try move on, forgive myself & forget it. But i hate myself 

    And when i do actually sleep at night i have the same dream that he is suffocating me & trying to make me die. This never actually happened in life. & the only reason i think i dream of this is because suffocating felt like the same thing - in terms of no matter what i tried to do- it was going to happen so i kinda gave up in the end . I fucking wish he killed me instead  😭😭😭😭😭😭

    i dont want to be in my body anymore, cant stand myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Im so sorry. I hope i didnt upset anyone who has been through similar


    I genuinely thought that was it on the 3rd and that i was gunna die. It was the most peacful thing and being woken up after was the worst. 😭😭

    i actually slept okay last night but some how twice as tired

    i hate mornings & waking up  & knowing today is going to be as shit as yesterday 😭😭 so wish it worked. Feel so low 😔want to stay asleep
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    I hate myself😭😭😭😭😭😭😭so much. 
     i feel really sick when think too much about this & have massive headache & my jaw hurts so much from stress. So fed up
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    edited August 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    You're so brave for opening up about everything. This can't have been easy to do. It sounds like you've been feeling a huge weight of guilt and shame over what you reported to the police. Going through such traumatic experiences and having to report this to the police can be incredibility difficult for anyone. Try not to blame yourself for what you said, you've done a really positive thing reporting what happened to the police. There's no excuse for his behaviour, it doesn't matter how many times you said he raped you on that day, even if he did it once that's not okay and is against the law. This doesn't make you a bad person for saying something happened more times than it did because it still happened and no one deserves to go through that. You shouldn't have to put up with what he did to you - you are worth so much more. <3

    How would you feel about reaching out to an organisation like Rape Crisis about how you're feeling?

    Stay strong Shaunie. We're here for you, we believe you and we're on your side <3
    Post edited by Aife on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018

    @Aife thank you so much!!! Means a lot to hear <3


    I just felt like what i was saying - no one can hear how horrible it was for me on that dates. So think how happened mixed with being so angry. Even though what happened is really awful so i dk why &  like you said -even beng raped once is awful & just as serious. So kinda sad that felt wouldnt be properly heard. 


    I kinda feel like i dont deserve help from any rape support. Though i will look at their website thank you! 

     I have searched so much on the internet, to find if anyone has done similar & i just cant find anything which makes me feel worse. & i cant even find anythin about the humilating acts he made me do. Which also makes me feel worse & alone & like i must of done something for it to of happened or somethign wrong with me


    Ive thought about ways to help myself & ive thought about going back to the police cause i think you can retract things or somethin.But think police would judge me- but then why would i even go through all that if none of it happened. But ive thought about it enough times to make my mind up to just not go further. I feel so many emotions just thinking about it, & it all makes me wanna literally throw up😭😭😭& just cant handle it😭😭😭


    And that the only thing can do is just end up realising im not the disgusting person in this. Sometimes i believe it & think its pretty sad how hes at Uni enjoying his life &   Im hating myself so much. But then times i feel at fault for what he did, let alone what i said to police then i hate myself to point of self harming & feeling like im scum of earth & feel literally dirty😭😭. I feel like i still lied in some form which is the most disgusting thing can lie about. But even though everything i said happened just not the way i said it on that date. So then is it really lyin i dk. Im just so ashamed & confused & stressed 😭😭 i feel kinda less shit then i first while go. was too shamed to even anonymously text samaratins & never thought id share here. So guess must feel less ashamed. 

    But i just keep thinking i deserve to die 😔

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Shaunie said:

    Ive thought about ways to help myself & ive thought about going back to the police cause i think you can retract things or somethin.But think police would judge me- but then why would i even go through all that if none of it happened. But ive thought about it enough times to make my mind up to just not go further. I feel so many emotions just thinking about it, & it all makes me wanna literally throw up😭😭😭& just cant handle it😭😭😭
    Wow. Selfish. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here
    I'm thinking of you now. Stay strong darling, you can get through this.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Thank you! @Floxy
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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