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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    *Im so selfish to post This much, no one has to read*

    My dad has a carers appointment with the BPD service to become my carer. Um i don’t need a carer. Can look after myself, dont even speak to my dad so what the fuck. Do I not get a say. I don’t fee
    comfortable him going there and speaking about it or pretending he cares

    They rang him and like my dad left the whole house to speak to them. So when he came back I was like “who just rang you that you felt the need to leave the house” he was like the bpd service. And i was like why you running down the street for that. And he was like “incase they said something about you, that you didn’t wanna hear”. Um and he thinks a service will bitch about me what lol. Okay. He obviously means incase he said something cause he think bpd is a horrible diagnosis

    im just a problem and better off dead. Would be literally no difference if my dad was a carer or not. He tried before and he didnt wanna do it in the end.
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    So I’m getting really confused cause I said I don’t think I can have the rape coulselling atm as I start therapy soon. She was yeah not best to have two coulsellors so then I replied back (this is in email) saying it’s not really that sort of therapy with a counsellor and is group work of talking to others in ways to manage. And she was like oh you can do that along side it and is now asking my availability as she has slots for a counsellor within the next few weeks.

    Now I’m really confused cause i dk if would be okay. And now it’s 3 day weekend so I can’t even ring & ask care co oridinator. And i don’t know what to reply back to her and I don’t wanna say I can do it and then not and wanna be clear. So i don’t know maybe I should just reply on Tuesday  and ring care co oridnator as maybe hope is 3 day weekend for them aswell. But now have no idea what to say or do atm. Don’t even deserve the help 😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,042 Boards Guru
    edited August 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    How are things going with your Dad? Have you spoken anymore about the carers appointment he had with the BPD service? It sounds really tough not having a say over what happened and not being made aware this appointment was going to happen. You mentioned that he tried to be your carer before but didn't want to do it in the end. I'm really sorry to hear this :( Do you think anything could change this time if he did want to try and be your carer? 

    With the counselling, that's really great to hear you've been offered a place. You really deserve this support! Is this the one your ISVA put you on a waiting list for? We have a similar rule at The Mix, you wouldn't be turned away but it's not recommended because having two counsellors can be confusing. This is what our telephone counselling page says on our website:

    What if I start seeing a counsellor at my school or through my doctor after we’ve already started sessions?

    It’s usually best practice to have one counsellor. Having two or more can be confusing. If you’re currently seeing a counsellor or having therapy, it’s best to complete those sessions first and come back when you don’t have therapy. If you’re on a waiting list, or are on the lookout for therapy, that’s OK. We will continue to support you until you get to your first session.

    It does sound like it might be okay for you to do both or at least have a session before your group DBT sessions start. Like you said, DBT is group sessions where as counselling will be focused 1-2-1 support. Would you like to do both?

    It's tough it's a 3 day weekend, but it sounds good to check with your care coordinator first before confirming anything with the counselling service. When will you next speak to your care coordinator? Do you think you can reply to the counsellor person once you've spoken to your care coordinator or let her know you're going to check with your care coordinator and get back to her soon?
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Options
    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    I just dont want anyone being my carer, sounds really like I’m incapable of anything Haven’t spoke about it since. My dad doesn’t care at all so the fact he’s being my ‘carer’ is really ironic. It is guilt for the times he made me live like shit. 

    Yeah is the one ISVA referred me to. Which think is quite  quick. Tbh I dunno if I would want both at same time. Would feel like quite a lot. I don’t want it to be soemthing I go to but feel bad for going tho as using space someone worthy could be and someone who hasn’t lied 🤢

    But I’m feeling so bad and down today. Cant say much more than that because of rules. But don’t feel safe in my own head and feel v near crisis and really suicidal. 😭😭😭😭 since work I have kept crying😭😭😭.  I’m just really fed up and feel like I keep trying to be kinder to myself, try to find ways to cope but I’m literally getting no where. Know maybe have to hold on til get more support like with therapy but really sad.  I’m just thinking what if that makes me feel more shit because I get thoughts I don’t deserve it. 

    I just dont want to live anymore. I don’t feel like anyone understands me. I keep searching on internet things that have happened r anyone been in same trauma But there’s no one been similar. I’m really confused on what is wrong with me. Clearly I’m a disgusting person & did something wrong. Everyday I am feeling disgusting and my skin feels dirty. I cant even carry out human body functions without feeling like scum and peeing reminds me of shame and humation & being disgusting & I honestly dk what to do anymore. I cant get away and I feel like killing myself & self harming al time but no one understands. I’m so sadddd😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 want to be dead so much
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Options
    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Really suicidal. Think I need to call 111 option 2 or something but no one cares. I have no friends and my family don’t care so there’s no point anymore.
    But safe right now cause I have work in a few minutes. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭& my sister forces me to go cause same work place and time 😭but feel like shit😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,042 Boards Guru
    edited August 2018
    Hey Shaunie,

    I know we've sent you a PM to check in with you privately but I also wanted to comment on your thread too. 

    Yesterday you said you felt very near crisis and today you said you're feeling really suicidal. Is there anything that can help you stay safe today? In your post a while ago, you said you texted Samaritans and found that helped a bit. Do you feel like you can reach out to them again today or call 111 like you mentioned? There's also Papyrus or The Mix's Crisis Text Line that you can reach out to as well. Don't be afraid to reach out to them because there are lots of people out there who can help you :) 

    You mentioned that you're trying to be kinder to yourself and find ways to cope but feel like you're getting nowhere. Do you feel like the pain you're feeling isn't going away? No one should have to go through what you're going through on their own. You really do deserve all of this support. It can be hard knowing there's a waiting list, but it moved quite quickly which means everyone will eventually get support too. You don't deserve to be in this much pain for something that wasn't your fault. Your group therapy is starting so soon and that extra support might really help with everything - hold onto that hope <3

    I'm sorry to hear you can't find much information online from people with similar experiences. 
    It can be hard not to think the worst, but try not to feel like you did something wrong. What happened wasn't your fault and you aren't to blame at all. There could be legal reasons why people aren't discussing their statements or if people's experiences are being talked about on forums, it's possible they won't show up through online searches. There's a forum run by Women's Aid called the Survivors Forum. It's a safe anonymous space where people can share their experiences of domestic abuse. You might find some people there with similar experiences. There's also an organisation called Rainn and I found something on their website about statements. They are based in the USA but it sounds like this might be similar to how things work here.

    Law enforcement officers are trained not to label a false report based on an initial interview, a victim’s response to the trauma, a statement that was taken back or recanted, or refusal to press charges. They understand that trauma can affect how a victim behaves, and may schedule follow-up interviews to help break up the process and confirm details.

    Have you thought anymore about contacting Rape Crisis anonymously about how you're feeling about your statement?

    I'm sorry to hear that you feel like no one understands and that your family don't care. Remember we all care about you here and want to help you. I know it might not feel like that sometimes, but we're all here for you and will always be here. <3

    - Aife
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Options
    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    How are you feeling today @Shaunie? <3<3<3

    Is your group therapy this week?
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Thank you @Aife & @Lucy307
    for support. <3<3

    Not feeling much better today. But a lil bit. 

    I have tried to reach out for some support through those links Aife and I think maybe am being too harsh on myself. But I dunno just sad and hate myself either way cause I’m disgusting even if didnt lie. 

    And my dad just told me he is only trying to be my carer to see if he can get any money :( disgusting. Knew he didn’t care. :(

    Yeah ah I should be starting group therapy Friday ://
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    I start group therapy tomorrow:/ :fearful: 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Shaunie said:
    I start group therapy tomorrow:/ :fearful: 
    Gunnna be Room full of strangers😭😭😭😭😭😭 dying sounds easier. Too anxious
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Options
    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,042 Boards Guru
    edited August 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    Good luck for your group therapy tomorrow. I hope it goes okay. :) 

    It sounds like you’re feeling really anxious about it. Everyone there might be feeling the same way too. You can do this! Let us know how you get on tomorrow. 

    Stay strong <3

    - Aife 
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Options
    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Aife said:
    Hey @Shaunie

    Good luck for your group therapy tomorrow. I hope it goes okay. :) 

    It sounds like you’re feeling really anxious about it. Everyone there might be feeling the same way too. You can do this! Let us know how you get on tomorrow. 

    Stay strong <3

    - Aife 
    <3<3 thank you @Aife




    been to group therapy and then saw CC.
     I actually really liked it. I honestly thought I wouldn’t say a single word in group as have always been shy in groups, let alone with new people but I did! so I’m actually really pretty pleased with myself that I spoke even more than once!!!😊  and then once spoke at first, felt more comfortable after even tho was really anxious.  And I mean group felt like it was full of people who didn’t actually want to be there tbh lol & was really quiet.  But probs cause was first session. But was interesting talking about different emotions & seeing different side of emotions & not just negative. 


    Have it next week, friday coming and start seeing the occupational therapist next week too. Kinda feel better & I’m glad forced myself out the house. 😊
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey there Shaunie.

    Really great to hear that group therapy went so well for you, hopefully you continue to find it helpful and be sure to keep us up to date with how you're doing! It sounds like everyone there was just as nervous as you but it's great that you managed to speak up. :) Good luck with everything next week.

    - Riley
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you !!



    I Had another dream that was being suffocating by him, last night :( wanna die 😭😭so fed up now. 
    But I’m feeling lot better since those appiontments on Friday. Still v suicidal:( but not half as bad as was before it

    & I emailed that rape couselling to ask if it’s something that could have after therapy and she said is fine & going to keep me on their waiting list & I need contact after I’ve finished therapy. I haven’t even asked my CC if it’s something you can do along side it. I just don’t think rape couselling is something that would be helpful Rn if I feel so guilty about lying. I think that’s all I would think about, it in, instead of what actuallly happened, which wouldn’t be helpful. & think id just think don’t deserve it then would feel bad for using time.
     But been thinking about these comments on here & what seen else where. And I think it doesn’t matter about lying (how sick that sounds) but is right in fact peoples statements are never completely accurate & the mind goes into a mess, I wouldn’t of had to go to the police if it didn’t happen in first place and tramua & messed my brain & everything happened just not completly accurate, the fact he hurt me isn’t a lie. But still findin hard to agree with all that & still hating myself:(:(:(. 

    But anyway have group therapy again Friday and see OT on Friday too, hopefully OT can help me in some way & will reply back here on Friday 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Options
    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    I’m getting really triggered by the Big Brother situation of false accusation. Obviously completely different situation but sad and confused to listen/ read to as to why she said what she said & I also feel I did false accusation and am disgusting😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2018
    Sorry, i actually feel bad everytime i reply to this and knock other people posts down when im not even worthy of support

    but im just really sad and such a burden😭😭😭😭😭.
    I have just been reflecting on my whole life, and i just can see a massive difference between since he did it, compared to how my life was after it.😭😭its quite sad i have let it get to me this much but i am even triggered by everyday things and im so fed up. He has won. The sooner i die the sooner i win and stop feeling disgusting which is only feeding into what he wanted. He wanted me to feel disgusting🤢😭. Im safe, these are just thoughts atm. As do kinda realise the only way i could win is to recover. But feels impossible 😭 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    feel awful
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Shaunie <3<3<3

    I'm sending you loads of love right now. I am so relieved to see from your other posts that group therapy went so well and you opened up, well done!! That is really brave and is another step on the way to recovery. You are on your way, even if it doesn't feel like it.

    I totally get the Big Brother situation and how it's triggering. It's been triggering for me just in terms of knowing that if I 'went public' with what guys have done to me in the past there would always be idiots thinking I'd made it up and this silly woman is one of the reasons why. So frustrating :angry:

    I just wanted to call out this part of your previous post because this does show that you are making progress and know that you should be kinder to yourself!!! 
    Shaunie said:
     But been thinking about these comments on here & what seen else where. And I think it doesn’t matter about lying (how sick that sounds) but is right in fact peoples statements are never completely accurate & the mind goes into a mess, I wouldn’t of had to go to the police if it didn’t happen in first place and tramua & messed my brain & everything happened just not completly accurate, the fact he hurt me isn’t a lie. But still findin hard to agree with all that & still hating myself:(:(:(. 
    You are totally right, you would not have been to the police and been through everything if it wasn't worth it, and just to re-iterate it doesn't matter how/how many times it happened, it still happened and you are still just as worthy of support.

    And you know all of this, and you would give the same lovely advice if it wasn't you, but you are totally right recovery is the ultimate goal. I truly believe in you that you can get past this, it is just going to take time. You have already come so far. Please don't give up. *Hugs*

    Hope you are feeling a little better this evening. 

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    <3 thank you lucy



    Dont really kno how i feel today just kinda fed up dk. Kinda numb. Keep getting v suicidal though. 
    But feel like probs so fed up of reading my pathetic shit. Sorry

    Had group therapy again and was okay and kinda interesting. And im glad i dont say completly nothing in it, as is kinda helpin anxiety too. & i dont stutter. 

    I saw the occupatinal therapist before therapy, we started talking about senses to see if that is something she could help me with. As maybe my lack of senses causes me to be unmotivated.  She made me fill out the work sheet and said my answers was interesting & then said she needs to speak to someone else who knows more, as i may have sensory needs. Tbh i have no idea what that means?  But anyway she was lovely and will see her again as soon as Monday and hopeful be abit more clear about it as kinda knew what was saying and was interesting but kinda confused. But seems like could be helpful 
      
    Yet im still so suicidal. Idek 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit

    So saw Occupational therpist again today. Really helpful. She seems really willinging to really help me, help myself, to get a life. Which is nice & really supportive 

    She couldnt speak to me about senses again as she couldnt get in contact with the person. So spoke about other stuff about what things motivate me- was quite thought provoking. 

    We talked about the Recovery college (basically learn abut mental illness or learn somethin )& i said i do wanna go to the induction that is on next thursday to just see it.  & said she can get the support worker to go with me. I felt bad about using another persons time so i said will be okay but she introduced me to her anyway & said i just need to call or email if want her to come. I kinda do but feel bad. Theyre really lovely people anyway. 

    Also spoke about just looking at Do.it org But maybe if thats overwhelming she can take me to place where they talk to potental volteers or soemthin like that. And also spoke about Prince’s trust which not too sure what is. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm not fed up of reading, I enjoy talking with you so please don't apologise for posting. <3

    I saw something yesterday that I really wanted to share with you https://mashable.com/article/suicide-want-to-die-reasons-to-keep-living/?europe=true#wbcwBX0Zcsqw Quite lengthy but if you scroll down to the '21 reasons' there are some pretty inspiring quotes from members of a group called 'Live Through This', describing their 'reasons to stay'. I can really imagine you helping other people like this one day :smile:

    Your meeting yesterday sounds really positive, I'm so happy to hear you are feeling more supported. It will be interesting to see what comes out of the senses conversation too! Recovery college sounds positive, is a great idea to go to the induction and get a feel for it. If you would feel more comfortable with the support worker there then don't feel bad about reaching out, it's a brilliant thing you are doing getting out there and trying it. 

    I'm a member of DoIt.Org too and used to volunteer through that, there's no pressure on there you can just have a scroll through and see what you might like to do. With the Princes Trust, I actually remember them giving a talk at my school and thinking it sounded bloody amazing and inspiring so would definitely look into that when you have time. A good starting point is here https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/about-the-trust

    Let us know how you're getting on <3:smile:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Aw thank you. This is lovely to read & links. 
    I read reasons to live and sounds great but then i just think i deserve to die. And think my self worth is just constantly making me feel so shitty no matter what. Like maybe can recover & get a life but i get thoughts that - i dont deserve that. So whats the point anymore. Yet kinda dont know why i think that extremly about myself & partly know is wrong to think. Just fed up & confused. But tryin to look at things differently🙃 just everything is pointless really. All going to die. Fear that by the time i enjoy life i will be on death bed anyway so whats point. Not really worth it cause life goes too fast & before know it will be dead which yeah hopeful cause i wann be dead but wanna be dead now, & what will any of this mean when im 7 ft in ground. 

    so deppressingg. 
    But anyway really anxious to go to the recovery college induction, and even more anxious to ask for the social worker to come. So feel like i may just end up not going ://////though would want to

    & having more dreams of being suffocated this week so feelin even more fed up & suicidal 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Dont wanna try anymore.  Clearly not trying enough. Too hard. & im so alone and nothing will change that. 

    Suicidal. Wanna to be dead.

    Sad😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
     No one cares.

    Have no friends or anything. So alone
    theres No point
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Pls kil me
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2018
     Im annoying. & dirty skank & selfish. Dont deserve help so dunno why am i posting. Whata fuck up. 

    Im safe though dunno why i write that when no one cares or even wants to read this or will. Dont mean to write it like i think people care either
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2018
    Please close this  @The Mix
     

     No one actually cares and wrong for me to keep posting as i know your aim is probably to get every thread or those really seeking help - to have a reply. I dont deserve it nor should anyone feel that they should have to. Im sorry if thats what i do. Also Maybe this is/ i am- manipulating people to reply to the disgusting dirty skank? Gosh.  attention seeker  So sorry.  Too needy, embarrassinggg. Please close

    thanks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,319 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 2018
    Would you still like this closed, @Shaunie? Everyone who posts here wants a reply - that's literally why this place exists. :) It certainly doesn't make you manipulative. Seeking care & attention is something we all do (another big reason we exist) - it couldn't be more human and isn't a negative thing. Everyone, particularly vulnerable people, have support needs and that's okay. 

    Sometimes it can take a day or two for posts to get responses, particularly if others aren't sure what to say, but that's not because you've done anything wrong. The community is always going to be here for anyone who needs it, including you.

    Are you still planning to go the recovery college induction next week? Going by your/our recent conversations, you've been stepping outside of your comfort zone a lot recently, and that takes a lot of courage. I reckon you can do this, particularly as it sounds like you do really want to go.

    How are you feeling today? It sucks to hear you're getting nightmares by the way - not a nice thing to have to live with. :( 
    The truth resists simplicity.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. Im sorry thats really embarrassing. Just lonely and feel like shit. 
    dunno if will go to recovery college will probs see how feel on the day as not something need to sign up before hand. But group therapy is going okay & was okay yesterday but find hard to do or even look the paper hand outs they give out. Dunno why
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,154 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you. Im sorry thats really embarrassing. Just lonely and feel like shit. 
    dunno if will go to recovery college will probs see how feel on the day as not something need to sign up before hand. But group therapy is going okay & was okay yesterday but find hard to do or even look the paper hand outs they give out. Dunno why
    @Shaunie I was exactly like that with handouts in a group I did back in December and for I found it difficult to expect that just small little things affected me so much - for example we looked at ANT’s ( automatic negative thinking) and for me that was extremely difficult as a lot of what we looked st applied for me and not I struggled to see how much it’s affected me - for me I looked at the sheet little and often so just reading the title one day to reading the title and a few sentance and then the next day progressing as far As as I was comfortable and some days I couldn’t even look at them but other days I could read it again ❤️ Sometimes it’s out of s comfort zone to read the things you or I have been given as somtimes you don’t want to accept somthing ❤️
    Lots of love and keep strong buddy 
    hope this made sense 😊
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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