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I stood and watched.
Right on that spot.
With my feet stuck, I watched.
As I stood.
On that spot, I watched, And watched.
My feet still stuck.
Feeling so much
And thinking about my feet, that were stuck.
Right on that very spot.
As I watched.
I’m not ready.
Not yet.
But I was too late, In the end.
Simply too late to even begin.
Tired
I don’t know what to tell you,
I don’t even know where to begin.
I just need you to know…
That I’m trying to fight a darkness, that really wants to win.
At first it was just a little sadness,
Nothing too severe.
But now it’s so much stronger,
Attacking me with fears.
I try to find my peace,
I try to be alright.
But sometimes it just holds me, oh so very tight.
Violets are blue
I smelt a fart
And knew it was you
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
In words, on skin, in hearts.
Do we realize the significance?
A letter, a touch, a heartbeat
And if we gathered all these pieces together,
Would we display it as our masterpiece?
It mattered, more than we realized
Let us not be careless about a single moment."
But why let them love the person I am not?
I am not capable of love, love and me– we both crash and tumble like the sea
We don't go together, we collide, fight and leave the other to rot.
Love and me….we're enemies
And accident or not, I know
Hurting them wasn't right
But it was the only way to show
The monster that lay inside
I gave them warnings, they don't listen, hate me for what I am, don't love me for what I'm not.
I'm not entirely sure
where I lost myself
Maybe it was in those 8 hours
of classtime
lost in notes and due dates
equations and definitions
In beds of strangers or
old friends who I no longer
know the whereabouts of
Was it in love lost and forgotten?
Perhaps words and friendly exchanges
greetings and goodbyes
Did I lose myself somewhere
along the roads driven on
late nights
to places with people whose
faces I won't ever recall?
Did I leave myself behind in
books or shows or at the cinema?
In lonely coffee shops?
Or crowded concert halls?
Or maybe it was in the ticking of clocks
and counting of time
waiting for the better times
that never came
Come to think of it
I'm not entirely sure I lost myself
I'm not entirely sure I ever had myself
Maybe all these places
are where I've found myself
I'd treat you like the sky,
I'd join up all your insecurities
and bundle all your flaws.
I'd create a new constellation
and search for it endlessly.
I know you don't see yourself,
the way I see you.
And you still argue,
when I call you beautiful.
But all the things you can't stand
about yourself,
are all the things I can't
go a day without.
I think that if you let me,
I'd built a observatory,
just to show you
that all the stars
will never shine as bright
As you.
I close my eyes
And look for you
I can feel you are here
Can you feel my presence too?
There are flowers everywhere
But amidst their fragrance
I can still smell your cologne
That familiar zesty smell
Maybe it's coming from your jacket
That I'm wearing
But you are here
And You are smiling
That damn smile I fell in love with
You wipe my cheeks
I didn't even noticed I was crying
And then
I put my hand on your chest
But I can't feel your heartbeat
I'll look at you With confusion
You just tell me to open my eyes
I do
My hand-
Is not on your chest
It's on your headstone
The flowers on your grave
You're here but not with me
you are here but buried deep.
And I thought that it was true,
Now my shadow's still behind me,
But where on earth are you?
I want a mum who’s always been there,
Who knows more about me then I do,
I want a mum who’s been to my plays,
Who’s seen me on sports days
And watched me become who I am today.
I want a mum that won’t leave me,
Who won’t walk away,
I want a mum, that really loves me and is here to stay.
My legs to jelly,
And my heart… extremely heavy.
While my breath whispers to a stop
And my mind floats far above
Another night of darkness, clutches at my throat.
On our last date, we went to our favourite restaurant and I kept the menu and haven’t looked at it since.
I keep it in my desk drawer and try not to remember the way your voice cracked when you Whispered my name and breathed your secrets into my mouth before trying to rip them back out Through my heart when you decided you’d had enough.
At night I lay awake and commend my mind and conjure up any thought that’s not you and your green eyes and dimples.
But in the grand essay of your past lovers,
I am the typo on the third page that knocks down your grade 2 points,
The screw up you would do anything to hit backspace on,
I am the messy extra space that is somehow overlooked by your blind eyes because it’s 2am and you stopped giving a crap at 10.
I am the coffee stain that gives away your lack of sleep,
Like a badge worn across your chest
Like a bruise on your forehead that she won't notice when she leans into kiss you.
And I’m awake every morning,
Judged and heartache and heavily breathing out the rhythm your heart would play,
As I lie at night with my head on your chest,
And my heart in your hands ,
And my body on your mind.
I was the red button you weren’t supposed to press,
No matter how many times you were told not to,
I was the wet paint sign you couldn't resist touching,
I was the fire alarm you just had to pull.
But I would burn my tongue on hot chocolate watching the sun rise with you again and again
If it would resurrect the christmas lights that burn like dying stars in my stomach,
And the fleeting moment when I truly believed you could love me again.
Kisses were like butterfly wings that became bats all too quickly.
Your love is like a fever that broke too fast, sweating and crying at 2am.
*TW*
Dancing with SH
Deception is what I fell for,
Believing you could fix me.
I thought with you…
I’d never feel lonely,
I thought…
You’d always be with me,
I didn’t realise you were just trying to kill me,
The same way I didn’t know that such relief comes with such agony,
And now.
I sit here,
Wishing we never met,
Because all I want is for you to finish it.
But I’ll always be in your debt.
My sister.
My friend.
I think I forgive you.
May you rest in peace and may my love protect you.