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Until it scars,
Until I can’t breath,
Hurt me,
Until nothings left,
Until I can’t scream,
But don’t ever love me,
Don’t pretend to care,
Because that…
That’ll kill me,
Guaranteed.
shaking, fear, crawling in my skin
i swore to myself i wouldn't let them in
the edge has never been so thin
i can't escape the grasp of the sin
silence is a shadow, a different kind of art
it's the inescapable misery that lives in my heart
it's wanting to move on but not knowing where to start
it's wanting to be loved when everything is dark
the eyes are a shadow of all the stories untold
it's the haunting memories caught in a chokehold
it's the pain inside to where the soul was sold
it's rejecting the warmth when you're used to the cold
the shadow is the side that no one ever sees
because if it were made known, no one would believe
it's the tortured mind, the sadness that never leaves
it's not wanting to be awake, but being too afraid to sleep
enough is enough
but still you return
with your twisted love
to watch me burn
how can you heal an empty shell?
is there any way out of this prison?
do they see that i am unwell?
can barely make a thought out decision
is there something better on the otherside?
because i am sure damn sick of life
is there some place i don't have to hide?
somewhere easier to survive?
breathe in, breathe out
repeat. repeat.
hush, don't make a sound
repeat repeat
repeat. repeat
don't sleep. don't sleep
bleed for me
can't you see?
i've had enough.
Don’t dare stay,
I’ll take your happiness,
And throw it all away.
Don’t think for a minute,
That we can be friends,
For I’m so much work,
That it’ll just come to an end.
Don’t wiggle your way in,
To my life of pain,
Because if you win,
You might just see,
What I’ve truly became.
Would it be filled of past hope,
Would it scream, of a world unseen,
Of the demons, that kept me acting like a machine,
Or maybe…
It would be traced with a wish,
Of what could have been,
If only, I could’ve put my brain in, for a dry clean,
So I’m torn, far and in between,
Of what I have left within me,
To fight this misary,
Then again…
Maybe this isn’t necessary,
Maybe I’m just a drama queen,
Behind the scenes.
(SH Trg)
The night I started
When I started self harm,
I didn’t even know it had a name.
Or any clue on what else to do,
When the nightmares came.
Morning always seemed so far away,
As it was the only thing,
That kept the monsters at bay.
So I tried to stay awake,
Watching them in the shadows,
As they would kill and slay,
Hoping that they, would just slip away.
But more often than not,
Fear would make way,
For sleep to take me astray.
And it was in that world,
That I was so very afraid,
Trapped and murdered,
Again and again,
Feeling every ounce of the pain.
It made me feel insane.
For when I awoke,
The monsters remained,
Still Hurting me,
In every way.
So I learnt a trick,
For it all to be delayed.
As tears fell,
I picked up a blade
And stayed awake until day.
You can scream,
You can cry,
But you might as well wave goodbye.
For adult eyes,
Turn to glass,
As they walk away,
No questions asked.
Before I was even a teen,
A mother,
To the lady,
Who gave birth to me.
Soothing her aches,
Understanding her needs,
As I listened to the demons,
That wanted to kill me.
i don't think anybody truly understands
what it is like to be held hostage in the dark
to have the fate of my life in my own hands
the only thing awake is the beating in my heart
when will i wake up? feel like myself again?
when will i heal? be stronger than the pain?
when will i be able to hold an umbrella against the rain?
will the memories ever be something i can contain?
when will i wake up?
when will i feel like i'm enough?
when will i wake up?
when will i feel worthy of love?
what if i never wake? what if things don't change?
what if this is the only way?
what if i'll always be trapped in this cage?
what if i'll never be okay?
what if i never wake?
what if i'll never be okay?
what if i'll never be okay.
routine - maybe it's okay?
keep busy. get on with the day.
still got baggage to clear off my plate.
but i've started again on a clean slate.
a twisted celebration
a trauma anniversary
i wait in trepidation
i wait here on my knees
scream
scream
i can't see
bleed
need
i can't leave
i can't speak
the agony when the bullet hits a nerve
i know this next month is going to hurt
a slave to the memory i have to serve
beat me, break me, leave me in the dirt
a weird thing indeed
one moment youre fine
the next youre not
way past your prime
your face gets hot
anxious, unaware and lost
voices scream in your face
until you give chase
and sink into despair
unlikely to repair
psychosis
a tricky thing indeed
one moment youre good
the next youre not
you sit in the psych ward
all breathless and bored
until you have your meds
to fix it all
you go to therapy
in order to mend
but your thoughts still bend
psychosis
an annoying thing indeed
one moment youre coping
the next youre not
you get discharged
but the delusions still barge
and the cycle loops
again and again
until you fall
and youre never the same again
psychosis - by toffuna101
creep in through the back door
leave me on the bathroom floor
nauseous and broken to the core
questioning if i can do this anymore
whisper your truths like they're fairytales
bring back memories that were rotten and stale
help me build my coffin, bring another nail
remind me what i'm working for is just going to fail
keep me away from sleep, make sure i'm deprived
force me into lying and to say that i'm doing fine
tell me i can't do this even though i survived
lie to me, lie to me, never draw the line
you like to watch me panic, it's that off which you feed
it's almost like you wanted this, you want to watch me bleed
it's not good enough for you until i can't fucking breathe
if i reach that point, you whisper that they won't hear me scream
they won't hear me speak
they won't even see
Into my darkest days,
Lost,
Full of pain,
Screaming,
In silent rage.
When moving on,
Is so over due…
When time,
Has nothing left to teach you,
And grief…
Takes the place,
Where love,
Is meant to hold you.
To soak up such rage,
At that little age,
Can make a child,
Grow strong and brave
That it’s not torture,
When a mother,
threatens slaughter,
as she beats her daughter,
They say that love,
Comes in all different ways,
And I know,
It’s hard to show,
When a disease takes ahold,
But mum.
I was so very afraid,
As you drank yourself through yet another day,
I was only young,
About seven years old,
And I just wanted to take your pain away.
(She didn't beat me, she did that to my sister)
We’ll sit here,
And we’ll cry,
Until the moon,
fades from the sky,
And then…
The sun will rise,
And once again,
We’ll pretend,
Parts of our soul,
Didn’t just die.
Do you know how long I’ve waited,
To hear those words,
Or anything related,
To be of some worth,
To not scrape it from the corners of the earth,
Do you know how much I’ve been hated,
And cursed,
Living in this world,
Makes me feel like dirt,
Hearing words,
That only pierce and hurt,
Do you know how much I’ve tried to hide,
All the evil,
I’ve gathered inside,
To not project it,
Into others lives
Do you know how much I’ve cried,
Screaming,
To stay alive,
Feeling like nothing,
In everybody’s eyes,
Do you know how it feels,
To be tossed a side,
As the darkness,
Covers the skies,
To question,
Why you’re still alive
So may I ask you why?
You say such lies,
As every ones else,
See’s nothing,
And expects me to die.
(My friend sent a a text, in it she said I'd never be nothing, I didn't know how to feel about it, it was a lovely thing to say and I appreciate it but, yeah I don't know, so heres a poem)
Just to stay on this earth,
I’m tired of how much it hurts.
Like I could sleep for years,
I’m tired of the pain,
The sadness,
That always seems to remain,
I’m tired,
That I have to pretend,
Like all of this
Is a worthwhile gain.