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I know what you’re feeling,
Oh honey I do.
And I’m not leaving,
Not without you.
I promise I’m here,
I love you.
Even if you struggle, to believe it's true.
Because I’ll never abandon you,
Not after the hell, you've crawled through.
So just sit if you have to,
Don’t you move,
If you get through tonight,
I promise one day, there will be light.
Withered, fading, yet full of rage
Stuck on a chapter with a ripped-up page
I tried to escape, but it's pouring with rain
An empty glass filling up with pain
Looked to the sky as I questioned my existence
The end of my story keeping its distance
Right or wrong, I can barely tell the difference
Buried deep inside their constant ignorance
I often wonder what would happen if I would burn the book
If I ended the story here, as the ground beneath me shook
What if that's my only chance to get away?
Before the last pieces that remain decay
I'm stuck on a chapter I never wrote
The words twisted deeply around my throat
Broken inside a scrawled, helpless note
Because your abuse left me a devote
to a story, one no one believes
because why would my "father" do this to me?
I picked up my pen and chose to leave
So you can never touch me again
And I can find my peace
Note: It's about trauma, about how I feel like I am stuck in the past. I'm stuck in the past of something that never should've happened, but I'm bound to and I relive it every day. And how the people who are supposed to care for me didn't believe me when I spoke out. And the leaving part at the end refers to me going into care. Escaping the situation.
voices
noises
all in my head
thoughts
feelings
all want me dead
obsessive
hurting
all left unsaid
memories
pain
infection that spreads
I’m afraid,
That I fed all my life,
To a demon,
Hidden, in my mothers soul.
Because he knew,
I’d give everything,
Just see her,
let him go.
It was hurt at such a little age,
Burnt and torn apart by rage,
Through my mothers wrongful ways,
It never seen the light of day.
Hidden and safe, in it’s little cage,
Far from pain and hurtful gains.
But still it started to fray away,
Before it even came of age.
And now it’s settled in the dark,
Quite happy to watch from afar,
Never trusting loving words,
But constantly afraid of what occurred.
falling apart but it's all in my head
possessed by a darkness, is it truth or my death?
all i remember was the hospital bed
did they not believe, or not suspect?
here all alone, it haunts me the most
the pain inside, the tortured ghost
i suffer at night, as i lie awake
beating me down more than i can take
in three days, it is four years
since you stole my dignity
abused my inner fears
so i could never feel like me
i see it when i fall asleep
black and white memories
a picture i am forced to keep
locked away, with no keys
once upon a time, i was a girl
with the world at my feet
but you filled my mind with hurt
and condemned me to my knees
in one moment you took it all
you watched her build up her walls
and saw it as it began to fall
and just like that
that little girl is gone
Screams echoing in the silence,
killing my soul.
Tired of fighting for hope to unfold,
An unseen weight, keeping a hold.
Drowning all alone,
Just waiting, for the unnefatable.
I scream,
"This isn’t fair!"
"This isn’t fair!"
"This isn’t fair!"
I fall in despair.
Tired, haunted,
As everyone stares… I whisper,
Clutching at air,
"No, this isn’t fair".
I don’t care if I’m not seen,
But I’m not hiding,
I don’t care if you’re not talking to me,
But I’m listening,
I don’t care if you don’t hug me,
But I’m waiting,
I don’t care if you don’t love me,
But my heart is breaking.
People see a darkness,
That they try to escape,
They don’t want to evolve,
Because it hurts their soul.
But what if that darkness,
That takes a hold,
Is something more magical,
Then we could ever behold.
For growing through pain,
Is a lonely road,
But so much is to be gained,
In the unknown.
(A 20 second poem)
Thank you very much, that's lovely of you to say!
I learnt to talk myself through the dark times,
And I believe it’s because, of the way my mother needed me,
I thought, she needed a life line,
I thought… she’d die if I didn’t keep a watchful eye,
And I thought I could take her darkness, clear her pain and make her happy again.
I remember telling her to look at the bright blue sky,
And to feel the wind as it past us right on by.
I told her about the greatest wonders of life,
Like making mud pies and watching the birds fly.
And at night,
when I seen tears leave her eyes,
I hugged her extra tight,
And I hoped,
That come morning light,
She’d still be with us, to see the sun rise.
I don't know if it's better on the otherside
My scars and my past are by what I'm defined
I've tried to escape, I've tried and I've tried
But the darkness embedded, I have to hide
I don't know how it has become so hard to stay alive
Even though I know some part of me wants to survive
It gets hard to ignore the pain that's inside
I'm not okay, yet still I deny
I've been running and running and running away
And watching my mind deteriorate and decay
I've tried to speak what I can never say
And it's getting harder to find a reason to stay
It feels like I'm lost and I'm at a standstill
And I'm falling down an upward hill
I couldn't help it as the tears started to spill
Because I want to live, but I don't have the will.
I know I’ll make it,
You’ll see.
But right now,
Please,
Just hold me,
As I struggle to breath.
I’m not safe.
Yes, dear, yes you are.
But it’s scary.
I know,
But believe me,
It’s so much better than the dark.
What if it kills me?
The shadows,
They saved me,
They helped me,
I’m so lonely, but they’re here,
They’re with me.
Well, we’ll just have to see,
Won’t we?
(The idea of moving on is so hard and the idea of being free is wonderful, stuck in between with no where to go, no place to call home, limbo in what to do, in what we can do, it's not a choice to be like this, but the baby steps, they hurt but so important)
I’m rising,
Rising high,
You’ll feel a breeze,
As I fly on by.
No time to stop,
And think about what you said,
Cos I’m healing,
And I’m getting the hell out of my head!
(Some days are a little brighter then the rest, even if it's a little sad as well)
Theres a pain in my chest,
It’s been there since I was a little kid,
Tugging and caring,
When no one else ever did,
It guided me through hate,
Keeping me safe,
It made some mistakes,
And listened to heart ache.
But now it’s time for it to rest,
As I know, it tried it’s best,
With no wisdom or guidance,
It kept me warm and fed.
But like I said,
It’s time to settle instead,
Don’t frown or be upset,
I’m proud of what you made, out of this mess.
It’s just that, the past, shouldn’t be living in our head,
And I think it’s best, to move on from this instead.
I’ll love you and thank you for everything you did,
So take my hand and set the pain down,
As we try to live.
I think I’m losing the memories,
Ever so slowly,
Of hateful anger
And threats of suicide.
It makes me wonder,
If I’m even alive,
If that life I once had,
Is going to die.
As I sit here and ponder,
And float to the sky,
I start to wonder,
Who the hell am I?
Head underwater
Yet I'm forced to breathe
I'm just somebody's daughter
But stripped of identity
Because I'm treated like an outcast to this family tree
All because I spoke out about what happened to me
Why is it him, but not me that they believe?
Why does he get to stay, and I was manipulated to leave?
Do you not see me here down on my knees?
Begging for someone to just love me
Why is the way that it has to be?
Do they love him more than they have the ability to see?
Honestly?
It makes me sad,
To move on from the past
But I’ll hold you,
I’ll love you,
And I’ll scream,
That we’re ok,
Because honey,
No one else is on their way.
And I’m sorry,
That it got so lonely,
And no one stayed,
But I’m here,
And we’ll make it through another day.
There's something so euphoric, yet so sad when I remember
The past, the present, and the future
Late nights sat by the fire in December
Now I lie awake searching for some kind of cure
For my mind, poisoned yet so defined
By the memories I hide
Shackled wrists to which I bind
May 19th. Where I should've died
I remember June 1st by the tram stop
Bleeding out everything I've got
1 am I should've been gone
I must've meant something to someone
June the 3rd. I ran away
Police found me by a motorway
I know I should've died that day
Searched and sectioned. Forced to stay.
I took the pain until I overdosed
October 22nd I got so close
Til this day nobody knows
Why I stopped, why I chose hope
28th February I almost lost it
8th of March however I lost my shit
9th and 10th. A and E. Not okay.
11th I rang 111 from the motorway.
I felt like no one was really listening to me
That my actions spoke louder than my words
Which isn't the way it is supposed to be
They watched. And ignored when I couldn't deal with the hurt
I'm not saying I'll be better on the otherside
But the only solution I saw was suicide
Sometimes I'm grateful that I never lost the fight
But still to this day, I think about those late nights
And really, deep inside,
I never wanted to die.
I just want to self destruct,
But that little kid inside me,
Screams so loudly,
That all she wants is love.
It’s all I ever seem to gain,
Since I was wee,
Nothing much has changed.
As the same old horror,
Haunts me again and again,
Never letting me forget,
That love, is just a monsters game.