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This weakness?
It’s so silly
Where’s my strength?
My resilience?
Why am I becoming something…
Soft and defeated.
It’s rather uncanny,
For a rock to turn to jelly.
How did I let it happen?
How did I let him win?
I told him strong and true,
Waist and above, nothing below.
But words didn’t mean a thing,
Taken by the wind,
I thought, maybe, I’m just a prude,
After all, this is what most people do.
But I should have been heard,
Respected,
Feared and not some weak little girl,
Then maybe his hands would have stayed where they were.
Scared but killing the fear in you.
Angry, that no one is there,
But proud to feel like an individual.
I see you, walking home, damp and cold.
Wondering what it would be like,
If you just went missing into the night.
I see you, smiling, laughing with that sadness in your eyes,
And I see you being forgotten and left to die.
Yes, I see you, child of mine,
And I want you to know,
That we made it through,
That we really did survive.
So please, it’s time to let go,
I’ll hug you good night,
If you promise to sleep tight.
Lost and afraid,
So I held your hand,
To guide your way,
I wasn’t going to leave you, all on your own,
Maybe because… I just wanted my mum,
But I really believed we’d make back home,
We sat for awhile,
Took a left and a right,
We might have even ended up heading back,
But we did it together until we lost track,
Then some how I lost you when everything went black,
Now I’m wandering around,
Lost and afraid,
Looking for someone to bring the light of day.
When I get into situations,
Where I don’t know what to do,
I start to panic just a little,
And I get scared to,
I try to stay calm,
Remember what is true,
But all I feel is tense
and I don’t know what to do,
My brain starts to race,
Of every possible way,
To resolve the issue.
But the thoughts won’t progress,
They just stay at a stand still,
And I struggle to think on what to do,
In all the time that this is happening,
I’m standing looking at you and panicing,
But you would never know.
All you see are eyes glazing over,
Your reflection like a mirror,
Because I'll never let my fear show.
I am the scared child, alone in the dark.
I am the warrior who fights to protect my broken heart.
I am the shadows, that destroy the path to light.
And I am the hope, that stands tall… despite it all.
Is a place, of darkness and pain,
It scrams so loud…
That my heart aches
But I know, deep down,
Where the logic stays,
That forward steps, are the only ones, that I should take,
It’s just, I can’t help, feeling lost and afraid
And angry at the thought of being this way
Trapped in a mind that wants me to stay,
Floating in the clouds, in a haze,
While time grows old and makes us grey,
I lose myself to the past, to my childhood days.
Underneath the blankets,
So safe and warm,
Like not one thing,
Can ever go wrong,
Hiding from the pain,
Of such an angry storm,
Hoping it will be clear,
If daylight ever gets here.
If I were to write a book,
What would my last line be?
Would it end, how it started?
Or be filled with peace?
Would screams echo from the pages?
Or would laughter exceed?
Would I have made my life worth living,
Or would the shadows swallow me?
I know I’m not a victim,
I know I’ve gave you pain
But I’m not the only one,
Who’s played a part in this game.
So I’ll stand tall and say I’m sorry,
But you need to do the same.
Because I’m not begging you this time… nor will I, ever again.
Just let me go.
Let me fall.
I’m so tired,
I just don’t care anymore.
Why do I still feel like, that little girl, all those years ago,
With a heart ripped from her chest, left all alone, crying, hurt to the bone.
Why does the feeling still tug, like it happened yesterday,
But my mind all fuzzy, telling me to turn the other way.
Why am I still a child, in an abusive home.
Even though I’m older and moved miles away.
It’s funny.
The memories are still there,
quietly humming,
In the absent air.
Where words of love, are meant to be.
But Instead, despair, lingers... so loudly.
That one struggles to feel, a sense of harmony.
As past crimes, lead to insanity.
I know, it wasn’t to do with me.
And my mother, probably didn’t mean to hurt me.
But I just can’t help feeling… so lonely,
Like she knew, I just wasn’t worthy.
Movie nights,
Snuggled up tight.
Feeling happy.
And ice cream ready!
Smiles bright,
Tears hidden, out of sight!
Credits roll,
Reality falls,
Mum’s out cold,
The beer took hold.
Feeling lost out in the waves
They keep saying I should be brave
I felt it as the boulders caved
But there's nothing left of me to save
Medicate. Medicate. That's how it goes.
Dissociate into a black hole
In silence so nobody knows
The agony really did take a toll
I wrote a letter as I slipped into the black
Saying I hope I never have to come back
It'll be easier living life this way
To drift into the dark and slowly decay
I need someone to tell me I'll be alright
Because I feel like I am losing this fight
Lying awake night after night
Confusing the darkness from the light
What will it take to just feel okay?
When my mind is broken, and slipping away
Suffering a price I shouldn't have to pay
Confusing the night from the day
What will it take to just feel safe?
When I've been wired to be afraid
What would happen if I just stayed?
Confusing the light from the shade
What if I am making a mistake?
And I ruin the chance I have to make.
Hurting more than I can take
Confusing sleep from being awake
I really love both these poems, amazing writing skills and word choices
Thank you for posting them!
I don't think I have much left to say
Because every session is "how was your day?"
I keep telling you I just want to feel okay
But you watch me destruct, you watch me decay
They treat the system like a game
I'm just a number, not even a name
I'm not holding you to the blame
It's the system, the cycle is always the same
I kept telling you that I wanted to be dead
That I couldn't deal with what's in my head
A hospital room, bandages, and a bed
Was what it took for you to believe what I said
You watched me hurt and dissociate
You watched me self-destruct into someone I hate
All your answers were "medicate, medicate"
Until I got picked up by police in a terrible state
I don't know what I want, does it have to be underlined?
For you to understand I don't know what goes on in my mind
I'm not a trained therapist, but you are and you're blind
Because if I'm discharged, I'll be somewhere they'll never find
Help is all that I genuinely need
Not for your paycheck to be something I feed
I can't seem to get rid of this anger in me
The systems so fucked, it's not hard to see
NOTE: this was about the mental health service im under trying to transfer me to a different one and the initial anger i felt before i processed it. im still angry about it but im blaming the system not my therapist.
Broken, beaten, I guess they won
Trigger to my head of my own gun
I just wanted to be worthy, just to be loved
But I've been made to feel like I'm never enough.
I've been drifting and drifting further away
I don't carry the energy to care
I listened, I listened with nothing to say
Because when I needed them they never were there
I've never needed someone as much as tonight
Because I've never been closer to losing this fight
I tried, and I tried, but I can't find the light
The tunnel is dark with nothing left in sight
Silence is screaming, and everything is hollow
So I shattered the remaining pieces I always had kept
The darkness, the black, the everlasting sorrow
Was all that remained, all that was left.
I look into your eyes, and I see pain,
It's then, I realise,
That the drink, is just a game.
With the prize being peace, on the other side.
Because you can’t save someone,
Who doesn’t want to be saved.
I’m too sensitive,
Thats what they say.
But was your heart ripped from your chest,
At such a tender age?
Did you stand by and watch your sister’s beatings,
Listening to her screams, knowing you did nothing?
Or did you get death threats, if you asked for help to come your way?
Was your mothers suicide ideation a weekly occurrence?
Wondering if the police would give their condolence.
Did nightmares steal what little sleep you gathered,
And terrorise you with fear in the darkness?
And how were the holidays at your place?
In our house, it meant no getting away,
Just straight up, anger and rage.
We’re not even half way through,
On why I might be feeling this way.
So maybe think before you tell me,
That I should be ok, in the present day.
Bed 8
"A young girl, admitted in
with mental health concerns
Scars on her skin"
The pain inside it burns
"Called the crisis team, the police had came
They found her nearby a park
She tried to leave, we had to detain"
My mind had never been this dark
"Refusing to go back to home
We put her on a 1-2-1
Make sure you don't leave her on her own"
I feel like I'm already gone
"We moved her over to bed 8
She had a breakdown late last night
She has been talking about escape"
I don't want to win this fight
"Social services are looking for a place for her to stay
She keeps telling our staff she wants to run away
Lock the main doors at night so she can't find a way"
I cannot speak, I cannot say
"We took her off the 1-2-1, hopefully she can be discharged
They found her a placement, well that's what they said"
I keep looking for peace within the stars
I want to be dead. I WANT TO BE DEAD
"Bed 8 ran away last night,
Attempted to take her life
We don't think this placement is right"
Half alive, dead inside
"Bed 8 ran away from her 1-2-1 while going for a walk
We dressed her wounds, and our doctors had a talk
We decided to section her, make sure security is always there"
All I wanted was for somebody to care
"Bed 8 can now be discharged, we found her another place
Mental health deemed her fine so they closed the case
Social services are getting ready to pick her up"
I just feel so helpless, a burden, not enough
It's never been so dark inside
May 19th, I should've died
Hospitalized, I became bed 8
Multiple attempts, but still awake
Note: This is kind of my story when I was in hospital for a month a few month ago, I've left parts out because some parts i feel like i cant talk about yet, like police and stuff. I'm okay and safe now, this was a past experience. i wanted to put it into words because ive never been able to explain why i think about that month so much.
At what age, did I start to lose compassion,
How did I get this far and suddenly stop caring,
When did this pain take over living?
I panic at the start of the track,
Where doubt attacks,
And fear fills me,
It’s like a sickness over taking my body,
Everything screams, as if it's trying to warn me,
It fights to walk back, find another dream,
Because this one, will never be a reality.
It’s too scary to hope, for something, that would make me so happy.
So I put a foot forward and I scream loudly,
That I’m going to start, what ever lies you tell me,
I’ll try to finish, I’ll give it all I’ve got,
But I won’t walk away quietly.
I can’t get out the car,
Sat in this seat, ready to flee.
I try to beg my brain to see,
That this is what I really need.
Remember last time,
you were filled with glee,
It isn’t scary,
Just believe me.
One step at a time,
To get to the starting line,
I’m telling you, it’ll be fine.
But I’m still sat in this seat,
As the time passes quickly,
My eyes fixed on the screen,
Fear controlling me.
I try to settle,
I try to breath,
But my brain just screams,
This isn’t meant to be.
And I just can’t believe,
How this feeling is still haunting me.
As my mind goes foggy,
And I sit silently,
Not being able to decide,
Until it’s too late,
And the decisions made for me.