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Theres a feeling…
It wraps around my throat,
Sits in my chest,
Crushes my breath,
It screams in my head,
Cuts my heart to shreds,
And drags me down,
Into unimaginable depths.
It makes me believe,
That there’s nothing left,
That all this fighting,
All this striving,
Is a life,
That maybe,
Just isn't worth surviving
TW - DV
I tell myself,
As my mother batters down the door,
It’ll be ok,
As my sister,
Screams like murder,
From being beaten to the floor,
It’ll be ok,
Even if my mother says,
She doesn’t want to live anymore,
It’ll be ok,
As the nightmares,
Drive me to self destructive thoughts,
TW - Abuse
As the bullies,
Beat me and walk away,
It’ll be ok,
As my mother,
Aims for the barriers,
On the motorway,
It’ll be ok,
Moving country,
To stay with a lady,
I’ve only visited,
A handful of times before,
It’ll be ok,
As I scrape by the days,
Wondering,
What it’s all for,
It’ll be ok,
As I feel more alone then ever,
Crumbling to the floor
It’ll be ok,
Even if I can’t take it anymore,
It’ll be ok,
As I move away,
To train,
For a career in war,
It’ll be ok,
When I need to move back home,
Because I’m not strong enough anymore,
It’ll be ok,
As I drag myself around,
Looking for work,
It’ll be ok,
When that man,
Violates the law,
It’ll be ok,
As I try once more,
It’ll be ok,
As I keep drowning,
In this darkness,
Fighting,
To be something more,
And maybe,
One day,
It really will be ok,
But I doubt life,
Ever stops being cruel,
In so many ways.
(probably don't read if ur emotional)
(everything's ok, there just the words I happened to type)
...
I could just die,
A thought that’s been with me,
My whole damn life,
But then,
I won’t ever feel pride,
For how far,
I might thrive,
Or show how much,
I have truly survived,
It’s just…
Sometimes,
Like tonight,
When it hurts to much to cry,
When the numbness,
Aches, with such demise
I just want to curl up,
And pretend,
I’ve never been alive,
It’s like…
I’m getting my mothers eyes,
And the silent pain they cried,
TW - DV
She was right,
To press that knife,
Against my throat that night,
I should have just let it be,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
She was looking out for me.
Even at that small age,
I seen the pain in your rage,
Trapped in some crippling cage,
You went insane,
On a rampage,
Struggling to explain,
Or even refrain,
From passing on the pain,
Everything just burst into flame,
Nothing ever stayed tame,
And it’s a shame...
As the darkness came,
So did the blame,
As if your aim,
Was to make us the exact same,
Passing down,
The same old war games.
Our hearts break daily,
Yet…
We step so gently,
As the pain grows heavy,
And our eyes go glazy,
Never getting the chance to forget,
How we were treated so harshly,
Lost to the depths of hell,
And it’s insanity,
That my dear,
Is our reality.
This sadness,
Is glued to my chest,
Like a weighted vest,
It’s so tightly pressed,
That there’s never a sense of rest,
Just a state,
Of constant stress,
And painful…
Emptiness,
Chained to a world,
That doesn’t even exist,
Struggling to ease,
This nervousness,
Yet,
Sometimes,
I dare to wish,
Of a life,
Where I’m free,
From all of this,
A life,
Where it doesn’t hurt,
To catch my breath,
A life,
Where I’m not waiting for death.
Like I could scream,
As if I’m lost,
In some horror scene,
But even a whisper,
Fails me,
So I sit here,
Silently,
In-between,
My mind,
And reality.
This feels so evocative. That liminal space inbetween. You describe it so perfectly.
I hear the heaviness that you're carrying, alongside that pride for your survival, that curiosity about how far you could thrive.
How does writing poetry tend to leave you feeling during and afterwards?
You really have such a skill for putting the indescribable quality of feelings into words
Where Are You?
I have a question and I need to know
Why did you have to go?
I know there is a reason but I can`t accept it
I'm sat here waiting for you to come home
But it isn`t going to happen is it?
I feel like a failure because I failed you
I tried and yet couldn`t save you
The day I said goodbye was one of the hardest days of my life
Seeing you grey and unresponsive on the floor
That shook me to the core
Then the next time I saw you, you were in a box
Now you are a butterfly
You were taken from us too soon
But please say hello to Brian
I`m sure he will take you for a ride
He will be right by your side
Until we meet again I still need to know one thing
Where are you?
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
Thank you for your very kind comment, it's nice to have feedback (good or bad) I really appreciate it : )
Thanks! The below is actually the original poem I wrote (wasn't sure which one to post), I kept the ending and I'm so glad how it came across to you
There’s a place,
Where I sit quietly,
Unsure,
If it’s voluntary,
Somewhere,
In-between,
My mind,
And reality.
"I hear the heaviness that you're carrying, alongside that pride for your survival, that curiosity about how far you could thrive."
Thank you for the above, really.
It's a strange sort of feeling, like everything weighs you down and at times it's unbearable but I've often thought of my life as a book that someone might read and I feel like it needs a good ending so all the crap that's happened is just going to make the final chapter sweeter cos I'm going to be proud of myself, I'm working so hard and I'm finally feel ok to admit that, that I am a hard worker and I've achieved so much, for example this time last year I was struggling to run 2km in the time required for a job I'm aiming towards and now I'm crushing it, I've also ran two half marathons since then, even though no one showed up to them (I didn't really tell anyone about the second one so I can't hold that against them to be honest) but the point is, I'm chipping away at life and I'll get there, as painful and as lonely as it might be right now, I can keep going, I want to see who I can become, I want to become something, I don't want to die a nothing, people don't get to put me through shit and make that my whole life, I'm going to shine one day, even if I can't see it yet
After I write, I guess I feel a sort of achievement, it's something real and solid, something I can look at and understand better, almost like untangling what's within, it's kind of fulfilling in a way and a way to learn and focus on myself
During the writing is a little more complicated, sometimes it's not a nice place to be, but it allows me to give time to a part of me that constantly screams, I can give it my full attention, mostly I write at night and I get to listen to what needs to be said, where as during the day I have to smother that part of me, it's an overwhelming feeling/scream, it takes over everything, it starts in my chest and grows outwards, it feels like it could kill me and I know it can't and that it might sound dramatic but it feels like it could, I've yet to figure out what this feeling/scream is but maybe if I write enough and use up all the words in the world, I might stumble across it lol
I hope your having a good day and this wasn't too long!
self worth left to combust
my wounds tainted with rust
it was never a choice, it was always a must
it was never relevant, what i confessed
me leaving was always for the best
to death i'm a slave, utterly obsessed
definition of failure if this life is a test
in another world maybe this would hurt less
I think my mother broke my heart.
Just tore it out,
And ripped it apart,
And I think…
She had the same done to her,
As if this family,
Has some sort of curse,
Lost to a darkness,
That’s not of this earth,
Never knowing,
How kindness works.
I scream silently,
Still scared,
That I’ve shouted too loudly,
Worried that others,
See my feelings of insanity,
But so tired,
Of going about this,
So quietly.
Rejected poem
(Years ago I asked my dad and step mum to read my poems, I said they weren't about nice things so they might not want to (to give them some warning that they weren't going to be reading about things like butterflies ) neither of them wanted to read any, and this is a poem about that)
I asked them to read,
About the demons they couldn't see,
The ones,
That were killing me.
So very... silently,
And secretly,
I begged them,
To open their minds,
To the possibility,
That maybe,
Everything,
Wasn't just fine,
That these demons of mine,
Were twisting time,
Keeping the past alive,
Refusing,
For it to be left behind
inherently focused on the fear that's settling in
repeat and rewind, taunting me with sins
if only i could remove the feeling from my skin
if only i never let you win
keep it closest, keep it in the place i hide
serve to remind, a chase to sever my pride
if only you were truthful, if you never denied
if only i could erase you from the inside
i wish someone noticed what i relive behind my eyes
the fire in my mind, the constant rain in these skies
if only you could take it back, if you apologize
if only i got the strength to fully mean my goodbyes
focused - i repeat and i rewind
kept closest, without fail to remind
nobody noticed the fire in my mind
if only i wasn't a product of your design