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I would think you would still have rights. How much contact did you have with her before this happened?
i live away from home so i don't have loaddddsss of contact but i see her as much as i can (i try to see her at least every couple of weeks). my brothers live 3 miles away from her with my dad so see her at least once a week.
i'm just terrified of losing her. even though i know deep down she'd be better off with another family (rather than my crappy mum and step-dad), the thought of losing her is unbearable. but thats being selfish. i've got to think of her future. she's only five years old. she's got her whole life ahead of her and she deserves a nice one.
mehhhh. everything is such a mess. why can't my family be normal and happy like most i don't know. theres always got to be drama. its like something off jeremy kyle most of the time :grump:
well, i suppose i'll just have to see what happens. just hope that wherever she ends up, i'll be allowed to still have contact. it would be horrible to stop that contact. she loves her big sister and her big brothers
suppose thats just how it is though
And I know it's easy to say but, try not to worry. From the outside it seems like you are imagining the owrst situation, which is only natural but try to keep a hold of that idea -the bad things you are imagining are wost case scenarios and that things might actually, and probably wil, turn out ok.
Also make sure you talk to your man about everything which is going on with her and how you are feeling as you need his support .
she seems to be doing ok. she's actually living with another little girl who is only a year older than her. apparently they are getting on like a house on fire and haven't have one squabble yet
she sounded happy enough on the phone so i feel a bit better about everything now knowing she's alright. the lady who is looking after her sounds lovely but i made such a dick of myself on the phone. i totally didn't expect the phone call at all so when she rang, i was a bit of a skatter brain and said loads of daft stuff which is really bugging me now! i'm just hoping she doesn't think badly of me incase she ends up looking after her for a while.
i'm hoping to arrange a visit to see her next saturday. i've got to get authorisation from the social worker though who will get in touch with the foster carer who will then get in touch with me. sigh. i'm having to go through a load of strangers to just talk/see my sister. pile of poo really. still, at least i've spoken to her now though and i know she's ok. she sounded happy enough...she was moaning she couldn't get past a certain level on her sponge bob game on her ds, ha.
i've been in touch with her social worker alot this week...she has so many questions about everything.
i just hope things are sorted out soon and she'll be back home where she belongs.
However, i recommend you re-think taking her in. I took in my then 13 year old sister for most of the year while my parents were based in England with my dads job. I'm not going to lie to you, it was VERY difficult but i wouldn't change that decision i made to help my parents out. I was newly married (straight back off our honeymoon) and i can honestly say that she never really put a strain on our relationship. At the time i was working full-time, as was my husband but we made it work. Obviously i can appreciate your situation is different, but given the circumstances i am sure your boss will be more than accomodating. Also i am sure social services/her school will also be able to help out with after-school programs and other ways to make everything run smoothly.
Good luck and keep us updated
i'm still trying to arrange a visit for me and my brothers. its not happening though. apparently she's really tired because she's having two visits from her mum a week and two visits from her dad. as much as i understand that, its frustrating because my mum keeps cancelling her visits. me and my brothers actually really want to see her.
i also feel really bad. the social worker has just asked me if i am willing to quit my job in exchange for financial support to look after her. i've had to say no because my boyfriend does want to look after a kid (which i can understand) but not only that, i'm the only one with a secure-ish (for now) job so it would be silly for me to quit.
i just feel so guilty. i'm not ready to look after a kid and i enjoy having a job. i want a career. i could never just sit at home and look after a kid. that isn't me. it would make me miserable. i get so easily stressed and i just don't think i'd be good at bringing her up. i'm not making excuses, i do just honestly think she'd be better off being brought up by someone who actually knows how to bring up children. i'm not a parent. i have no idea. the guilt i feel is so overwhelming. the social worker really guilt tripped me on the phone and made me feel like a bitch.
I think you need to think about which would be easier to deal with, losing regulalr contact with your sister or looking after her yourself. I'm saying this because you've been put in an impossible situation and it's possible that in 10 years you might find your decision difficult to deal with.
its just not possible.
i just hope we get to visit her soon. by the sounds of it, its not looking as though my sister will return home
The second is that you havnt gone to pieces completely.
A lot of people I know, faced with the issues you have, both wouldnt know what to do, and would fall apart totally. You have made it clear you have your sisters best interests at heart (within the realms of possibility), and you should stick at it.
Stay strong and keep working it, you will get through.
See people, I can be nice
Good man
It sounds like your sister is doing well, so I don't think you need to feel guilty. I think it costs less to keep children with family so maybe that's why your social worker is trying to get you to take her. You know your sister so you know what's in her best intersts, so don't let anyone pressure you.
because of me or because of the whole situation? do you think im being a bitch?
naturegoddess - my boyfriend isn't being horrible at all, he's just being honest with me. if i took on my sister, it is inevitable that he would have to look after her as well. his whole life would change. he wouldn't be able to do all the things he can do now. he's still really young and i don't think its fair to call him horrible for being honest with me about it. he'd suddenly have lots of responsibility that he's not ready for and i know for a fact it would make him unhappy. i don't want to be responsible for that. to be fair, i'm not ready to look after a child either. if i had to quit work, i'd be miserable. i really would. plus, i don't even know how to look after a kid. i'm tired out looking after her for a day! i don't think i'd be good at bringing her up.
there is also the fact that if i did take my sister on, my mum and step dad would find out where i live, i'd have to give them my phone number, etc. i have cut all contact with them because i hate them and they upset me far too much. my mum is CRAZY. if she found out where i lived, she would probably come around and smash my house up (she's smashed up many houses in her time). she would definately cause some sort of trouble. i want her out of my life.
everyone seems to be making me feel really guilty :crying: :crying: :crying: i'm in an impossible situation here. to take her on, i'd have to give up my relationship, home, career and well, my life really. does it make me a really horrible person that i don't want to do that?
There is absolutely no reason why you should have to sacrifice your relationship and your career to look after your sister when it's not your fault that she's in this position. Neither do I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable to say that he doesn't want the responsibility of basically becoming a father to a child who isn't his child, and transforming his entire life.
I don't think you're being selfish, and I don't think you should feel guilty. You're doing everything you can, and you're being very brave too. I'm very impressed at how well you're dealing with it, it might be a nightmare time for you. Hang on in there, and don't be pushed into doing anything that doesn't feel right for you.
*hug*
me too. everybody is different but if it was my little sister that was being taken into care i would take her without a doubt, i wouldnt even think about it. i know that you would have to give a lot up for it but its your sister!
im not trying to make you feel bad, honestly i know it must be such a hard position to be in. because like i said everybody is different im pretty good with children and think id be able to look after a child. its a shit situation because if you did take her you'd have to pretty much give up your lives which isnt fair when you and your boyfriend are only really getting things started, things like going on holiday would go out the window. but the thing is it isnt your fault this has happened but its not your sisters either. if your boyfriend had a sister and she was put in care and he wanted her to come and live with you, would you say no way i dont want her living here? i dont think you would!
i think if i knew that my sister would go into a lovely family and stay there permanently then i might be happy to let somebody else take her but i dont think social services can really guarantee that can they, because shes not up for adoption, just fostering, i know they do long term foster care but meh i dunno. you always hear about kids being passed round family to family, but i dont know if that really happens.
i really feel for you
Social workers are hugely overloaded, and from their point of view by far the easiest solution to your sisters care would be for you to look after her.
That isn't necessarily the best thing however for you or your sister, it just happens to be the simplest from the systems perspective.
I respect your boyfriend for being honest with you. It may not be the most generous and accepting answer he could have given but at least he's being honest. The best thing you can do for your sister is support her the very best you can. Now that might be by taking her on, giving up your entire life and rapidly learning how to look after a 6 yr old child. Or it might not be.
To be the best person you can be for your sister you need to be reasonably well and happy in yourself. You love your new job, anyone who's been around a while can tell that and you seem to be so much happier now than you have been in the past. At this point in time giving up work and taking your sister in may well not be good for you, and if you end up in a crumbled heap you'll be back to square one as will your sister.
You've obviously put a lot of thought into it, and if you don't think you can manage it then don't feel you have to. You can be a lot of support to your sister by being a sensible, responsible adult in her life who can fight her corner with the care system. You can offer her a lot of love and stability without being her carer - don't forget that.
Push social services so that you can get to see her, resort to guilt tripping and manipulating them in needs be, like I said earlier, if they want you to look after her then the first thing they should be doing is arranging for you to visit her. I'm sure once you've seen her you'll be able to relax a little more. Young children as a general rule are reasonably ok in care, things get less great when they're teenagers but years down the line if she's still in care you can think again.
xxx
Would you take her if he said he was ok with it? Forget that you're not at a good time in your life, or you don't feel ready. No one ever feels ready for kids and they generally end up doing a good job. Deep down, do you want to raise your sister?
I don't think there's any shame in saying no, as long as it's truly YOUR decision.
Great post. I agree with every word.
Remember that from the perspective of social services, they want it dealt with as quickly and easily as possible, and they aren't concerned with whether it is best for you to take on your sister. But you have your own life to lead too, and you're entitled to be happy, and besides, as Scary Monster points out, if you end up losing your job and your relationship in order to take her on, it won't be good for her, either. You're both of you (you and your sister) better off if you are happy and stable and able to provide her whatever support you can. If you're pushed to take on too much and end up making life altering sacrifices to look after her, it may not be in either of your interests.
Don't be made to feel like a bad person for believing that you have a right to lead your own life.
I dont think it would be as hard as you are thinking. Shes not a baby. Shell be at school all day. You wouldnt even have to give up your job.
Yeah it wouldnt be as easy a life as youve got now, but I just really struggle to see what would stop you.
I couldnt see any of my family or friends kids go through the care system personally, especially when youve already said you want kids in the next few years, and your boyfriend wants them too.
i want children when i'm 28-30. thats at least 4 years away.