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well if your boyfriend would dump you over you taking on your sister rather than have her in care, then i doubt hed be good father material later on anyway.
Youve made up your mind its clear, I just think its a crying shame. Shes your own flesh and blood.
youre 24, youve got a good job. Youre in a stable relationship, youve got your own place
i know she's my own flesh and blood. do you not think i know that? do you not think i already feel guilty? :crying:
yes, but its likely i'd lose all that if i took her on.
Also would there be any possibility of taking your sister on later when your lifes maybe a bit more stable (i ask, because i have no idea how it works), if you dont feel your hours or whatever are up to it, as Scary was saying generally younger children are fine in the system its teenagers where things start to go a bit pear shaped?
Your sister won't come to any harm in care, she's perfectly safe there and will be well looked after.
At the moment you need to know that she is well and happy - it sounds like being able to see her would be a load off your mind so focus on that one.
Obviously some people here, possibly particularly those with children, think that it should be one of those no brainer decisions but everyone is different and every situation is different. It seems that she's someone you didn't necessarily often see a lot of which again makes things less clear cut. If you'd grown up together and lived together for a long time it might be a different matter. Similarly, you've got a long history of problems with your mum that have had a massive impact on your life. With your sister comes a resurrection of those problems so don't feel forced into taking her on until you can deal with those.
Obviously there are reasons she's been taken into care, and it may well be that she's best there because the care system can enforce visiting arrangements and access with your mum that you may struggle with.
xxx
A pretty baseless and low accusation really. Not wanting to take on (someone else's) child at a time of life when the circumstances are not right has no bearing on how he might feel raising his own child five or so years down the line.
I'm pretty sure she's aware of that. She's already pointed out the very clear and present issues that stand in the way of taking on her sister.
She's got these things because she's currently able to be very flexible and work shift rota patterns that would be completely unrealistic whilst in the position of caring for an infant. Yeah you could maybe get a child minder to cover day-shift work, but if you want someone to be able to cover a 24/7 rota you could be looking at live-in care, and the costs would spiral. And yeah we're not talking about a baby here, but if blah is on shift then what's supposed to happen when it comes to bed time, or school time, or meal times?
It's not fair to put this load on to anyone, and I don't think linking off to articles about the state of the care system is helpful in any way whatsoever, unless you're just trying to push the guilt trip.
well it might mean her decision is more of an informed decision if she reads up a bit on the statistics for children brought up in the care system
Bit below the belt eh ?
Why do so, so many people judge the future on the wrong decision, in their view, that someone makes ?
I hear it all the time. She's fat so she must be a bad mother, he drinks too much so he must be a bad friend, he cheated on his wife so he's a bad dad. Absolute fucking bollocks.
Not wishing to care for someone else's child, a child he barely knows, does not mean he's going to be a bad father.
agree completely
also as scary monster said, it might not feel ideal but she's safe and they will be looking after her.
noted! :thumb:
I'm kinda sitting on the fence with this one. I know it's a big ask of you, and it isn't something you'd planned for. But here it is - this is the real world. It doesn't go to plan - not ever.
Not wanting to guilt trip you, but you know what it's like to have a less than great childhood. Yep, your current life isn't ideally suited to taking on a child - but you could do an enormous amount of good here for someone wholly innocent in a situation she's found herself in.
It may not be ideal. You may not end up with the physical possessions you have right now. You may not even end up with someone you thought you'd spend your whole life with - but that's not guaranteed, anyway.
But what you can do here is give love, support, guidance and a family to your sibling. In twenty years time, thinking about this situation - how will you feel?
Your sister may go into care, and come out of it a superbly well-rounded young lady with excellent prospects. She may not.
You may be with your current partner, with a family of your own. You may not.
You may be in the same house. You may not.
There are plenty of variables here, blah. But two constants:-
1. You.
2. Your sister.
Nobody can tell you how you ought to feel, or act, in this situation. You already feel how you feel, and you'll act as you see best.
Should you feel guilty if you can't take it on? I guess it's natural to feel a lot of guilt either way. At the end of the day, she isn't your child. She's not your responsibility, and there are _plenty_ of folk out there who can't take care of their own responsibilities, let alone someone elses.
Should you feel guilty for that? It's a hell of an ask of anyone, it really is.
But you could do a hell of a lot of good here for someone vulnerable.
Personally, I'd toss aside everything in my life if I could prevent someone else enduring the childhood I saw. Even a relationship with someone I felt was the love of my life.
But I guess if they were worthy of that title, they'd understand why I was doing what I was, and wouldn't be leaving because of it...
Good luck.
I fundamentally disagree with this and I think it sort of marks a point that splits off where some people are sitting on this issue and others are. From my perspective, I do not believe that you can mark those things off as constants whilst ignoring the other parts of blah's life, that is
3. her partner
4. her job
5. her income
6. her house
"mmm, yeah, but they aren't constant". Well, no, they are not, but then neither are 1 and 2 if you look at it literally. What you're actually saying is that 1 & 2 are more important than the other things, and that the other things deserve less consideration, and I do not believe that to be the case at all.
When you are settled down in a certain situation with a set of things that defines your life, you can't just ignore all those things when you are considering the future. To do so makes a mockery of eveyrthing that you value. You might, for various reasons, choose to ascribe different levels of value to different things depending on the situation, but you can't simply dismiss them.
It's similar to what people are saying about "blah" and "blah's boyfriend" and presenting a view that the boyfriend is a blocker in this whole affair. Well, maybe he is or he isn't, but that's not important, because they are an established couple and they both need to agree on their decisions.
I find it remarkable that people are actually suggesting that blah throws her entire current life out of the window and makes a decision based on a blood tie. Yeah, maybe in magic faraway land that is a sensible way to decide your future, but not in the real world, where security actually matters. I mean, even think about that proposal for a few minutes and it falls apart - blah agrees to take on her sister, but as a consequence loses her boyfriend, her house and her job, in essence, the very aspects of the secure life that she is trying to give to her sister by taking her on.
It's a nonsens and an unworkable situation. Unless there is agreement on all sides and a way for blah to introduce her sister into her current lifestyle it's simply never going to work.
This is exactly my problem with the issue.
It's an impossible decision, and whatever choice she makes, Blah's going to have to live with it the rest of her life. Like I said, I don't think there's any shame in her deciding she can't do it. Yeah, there'll be guilt, but if she truly knows she's made the right decision (for HERSELF, not anyone else), then personally I'd be able to sleep at night.
But I kind of get the feeling that the boyfriend has made a fair portion of this decision. I totally understand that he doesn't want kids yet, and that the little sister is not his responsibility, but if this is something that Blah really wants, despite what will be a struggle, then I think the fact that she either can't tell him that, or has told him and he would leave her rather than support her if she made that choice, is an awful, awful shame. And I have to agree with the people who say it probably doesn't bode awfully well for the future.
I don't get that feeling at all.
From my reading of it, Blah knows that she isn't in a position to take her sister, and there are numerous factors which make that so. One of those is her boyfriend's reluctance, but it certainly isn't the only factor. I don't get the feeling that taking on her sister is something that Blah really wants, and so her boyfriend's reluctance is just one further consideration among many which supports the conclusion that she can't take her on.
And I don't think there is any justification for casting aspersions about Blah's boyfriend, either. Nowhere has Blah indicated that he doesn't want her sister because he's being selfish or wants to avoid responsibility. It seems likely to me that as someone who loves and cares about Blah, he realises that the two of them together are not ready for the responsibility, both in terms of finances and in terms of their current lifestyle. Neither is there any indication that he would leave her if she chose to take on her little sister. But it would put a tremendous strain on the relationship, one which is still quite fledgeling anyway, if I remember rightly. Even if he is a good guy with the best of intentions, taking on someone else's child is a tremendous thing to ask and could obviously jeopardise the relationship, even if he gave it his best shot. So it's totally unfair to insinuate that from this, Blah should be dubious about whether he is loving or supportive enough. Maybe he has Blah's best interest at heart, as well as his own.
I think it's pretty unfair for people to be laying it on thick and twisting Blah's heartstrings even more than they already are. We can see how difficult this is for her and how much it's upsetting her, and she doesn't need to be guilt tripped and manipulated, she needs encouragement and support. It's clear to me that she knows what she wants to do and what she thinks is the best decision, and it's not up to us to try to change her mind.
It's very easy to be certain about what you would do in that situation when you're not actually in it.
A big +1 to all this.
Other than her saying she would have no relationship and no place to live if she did? I'm not taking this thread in isolation, either. There's a context here, and maybe I'm way off the mark, but I think it needs to be addressed.
Like I said, I don't necessarily agree that taking on her sister would be the right thing to do. That's not my call. What I do think is important is that she makes this decision for the right reasons. For her own reasons. And if she does come to the conclusion that she can't take this on, and it's because she knows in her heart that she can't, or that she personally, honestly, deep down does not want to, that's going to be a hell of a lot easier to live with.
But she's said that based on his saying (not unreasonably IMO) that he doesn't want her sister in their life right now, that is, it's an extrapolation rather than him having actually put down an ultimatum saying "it's her or me". He hasn't said anything like that (or, if he has, it hasn't been quoted in this thread), so any such reading is, at best, an assumption. It certainly shouldn't be taken as a reflection on his suitability as a father. How people are getting from one to the other beggers my belief.
I find it a bit much that people are taking an already stressful situation and potentially making it worse by making blah question her own relationship and the potential future suitability of her chosen partner.
Argh this whole thread narks me.
That doesn't have to be because he would leave her.
It's totally unfair to assume that he doesn't love or care about Blah, or isn't committed to the relationship, or is completely selfish and irresponsible. So I think the reasonable way to interpret Blah saying that is that she is worried that the strain of taking her little sister in would eventually take its toll on the relationship. Even if he did agree to it, it would be immensely difficult all round, and there's a very good chance it would lead to them breaking up.
However, I don't think there is anything unreasonable about him not wanting her anyway, nor about Blah thinking she would prefer to stay with him, than go it alone with her sister. Suppose you're right and he was saying he would end the relationship if she took her sister in. I don't think that is unreasonably selfish of him, and I don't think Blah would be being unreasonably selfish to choose him over her sister. So even if you're right in your assumptions about him, from that it doesn't follow that it's not Blah's choice. Choosing her career and her boyfriend over her sister wouldn't make her a bad person.
That said, I don't think that is what she's doing, since I'm not convinced it would be in her sister's best interest for Blah to take her anyway. So Blah can feel at peace with the fact that her decision is in the best interest not only of herself and her boyfriend, but also of her sister.
ditto!
You don't know that for a fact, though. You can easily spout horror stories. It's just as easy for me, though. For example, blah decides to take on her sister, but as a consequence has to leave her partner, and move into rented accommodation. Which is fine for a while but then because of the stresses involved with looking after her sister, she finds that she has to give up her job, too, which leaves her moving from one temporary job to the next, barely managing to scrape by enough money to pay for housing and food, and potentially ending up resenting her sister in spite of it all.
Noone wins in this situation. It's not all rosy just because she stops her sister from going into the care system.
The fact blah worries about losing everything, her job, relationship and house indicates that she's not really basic a decision on a situation I find realistic. Whether these worries are because of her boyfriend or from herself I don't know but I find that very alarming.
A lot of people take on kids that don't belong to them today. Many have kids before they plan to and it works out just fine. I find it really hard to see how taking on her sister blah would lose everything she values and I have a feeling there's something not being said. Or that she's worrying too much. Very few people lose everything if a kid is introduced to their lives!
However I do understand that this is a difficult situation as it has implications for both blah and her boyfriend. Not just more difficult every day life but I have sympathy with her worries about introducing her mother back into her life if it's caused her grief over the years. Not to mention that she's been working hard to get her life balanced and is now finally in a job she likes and living a good life.
I think Scary Monster has actually given one of the best advice so far, to beat the social service at their own game to at least try to get to meet the sister. I think it might be reassuring and make it easier to make a decision based on something else than guilt tripping her.
blah, good luck whatever you do! It's a tough decision to make.
Given the nature of Blah's job, she would definitely have to give that up.
We can see that there is a risk to her relationship - sure, it's not definite that she would lose it, but it puts it under immense strain.
If she loses her relationship, she loses her home.
I don't think it's too much of a stretch to see how taking on her sister puts her current way of life in jeopardy!
You have a feeling that something is not being said - well so do I, and this is it. It's not pressure from her boyfriend that she doesn't want to admit to. My gut feeling is that Blah doesn't want to admit to us, and perhaps even to herself, that she doesn't want to take her sister on, because she is currently happy and enjoys her life as it currently is, and taking on her sister will transform that, forever. I think she doesn't want to admit to that for fear of being thought unreasonably selfish.
I don't think that is selfish though. It's not unreasonable not to want to sacrifice the life you've built for yourself to become a mother to a small child, when you've been working hard to develop a career and relationship which will both be threatened by this. If Blah just doesn't want to take on her sister, I don't judge her in the slightest.
But I'm with Mist, people need to stop making unwarranted judgments about Blah's boyfriend, because apart from the fact they probably aren't true, they definitely aren't helpful.
If I were in your situation, or your boyfriend's situation, I would have no hesitation about looking after the child. That's not to make you feel guilty, I think the fact that you've thought about things rationally is brilliant. A few years ago I dropped out of my course to become my brother's main career without really thinking about it, and since then I've had to deal with a lot of problems because I rushed into it. You are not selfish for trying to be realistic.
Having said that, I don't regret my decision. My brother will need to be watched 24 hours a day for the rest of his life, so I don't think looking after a 5 year old can ruin somebody's life. I'm saying this because I've probably underestimated the impact that it will have on your life in my earlier posts. I've never had a career, so I don't know what it's like to lose one.
What I said about your boyfriend may have been unfair, but you're living together, which to me suggests a serious, adult relationship between two mature adults who are able to deal with the problems that life will throw at you. I jumped to conclusions and responded as if you haven't discussed it properly, which I'm sorry for. However, I don't know many people who were concieved at the ideal time for their parents so I think that's something you need to think about.
My reason for boring you with the details of my life is that I've been in situations where I'd feel guilty if I didn't do certain things, and I know that other people can have an impact on how you feel even when they don't mean to. A lot of what I've said is more to do with my experiences than your situation, and I think maybe a lot of people might have done the same thing. It has little to do with you and your sister, so don't feel guilty. You are the only one who knows what you would feel most comfortable doing.
I don't know if you keep explaining your reasons because you feel guilty or because deep down you're not sure what to do. You didn't create this situation and it sounds like your sister is doing well, so I don't think you have a reason to feel guilty. I understand that you will, because you've been put in a position of responsibilty, and in a lot of ways the consequences of your decision are beyond your control, so I think it's really important that you make a decision you can live with. Things do wrong when kids grow up in care, but they also go wrong for many other reasons. Which would you be most able to live with? Is the guilt of not looking after your sister likely to effect your life more than looking after her? Do you feel that living with other kids who've been through similar things could help your sister?
As I've said, you are the only one who knows what you'll be able to do. I don't think anyone on here intends to make you feel guilty, and social workers (no offence to anyone who is or knows a social worker) are very good at using your emotions to make you comply with what their form says. You and your sister are the ones that will have to live with your decision, don't let anyone else influence it. In 10 or 15 years, when the consequences are clear, the people who make you feel guilty are unlikely to still be in your life. They might not even remember you.