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They probably do, but then what is the point of blah taking her sister on if she hardly sees her due to unsociable working hours?
Also I'd guess that the people who do work shifts and have young children probably have other people helping with that care. Blah wouldn't have anyone else to help out.
Honestly I do not understand this thread. Blah has set out what she has said are the consequences of taking on her sister, and all a lot of people have done is try to guilt her into doing it anyway, suggesting that those consequences either don't matter, or won't come about.
Really I don't think what she wanted out of this thread was yet another guilt trip. She's already getting that from the social services. What she was after was some reassurance that it's not wrong to say no, and that she'll still get to see her sister.
It's not wrong for her to say no to looking after her sister. If that's what she's decided then that's her decision, and the chances are everything will be fine. I think everyone who's posted on here would wish her all the luck in the world, and admire her for how well she's dealt with it. I don't think anyone's brought up anything that wouldn't come up in the future. If we all said "you can't look after her, don't even consider it" and something did go wrong Blah would be in a horrible situation. If we all said "you can look after her, it's not a problem" and she ended up losing everything and resenting her, she would be in a horrible situation.
We can't give simple answers to this, it's not possible. I think everyone wants what's best for blah and her sister, but when she says what would happen "if" she took her sister, it indicates she hasn't decided, so people are offering thoughts to consider. I'm certain Blah will have everyone's support when she does decide.
If that's what you think is happening here then I think you have misunderstood the point that people are trying to make.
Anyhoo, I've had my words spun too many times in this thread, so I'm bowing out. Hopefully Blah will see what I'm getting at, and I just hope she makes the right decision for herself, which may well be not to take her sister.
Over and out.
Is there really noone else they could ask that actually cares about the child. Didnt your mum have any close friends?
Honestly I'm actually getting quite angry with the tone of some of the posts now. This will be the last entry I make in this thread because it's (IMO) getting cyclic and damaging. However, I do want to address this.
First, there's nothing that says for sure that entering the care system will not result in her being fostered or adopted by loving parents.
Second, it's a funny phrasing to say "that actually cares". It implies that blah doesn't care and I would have through it self-evident that she cares a hell of a lot. Caring for and being able to take someone on as a dependant are two separate things.
Lastly her mum is a down and out drunken loser. It probably wouldn't be the best for her to go to her mum's friends.
Now I take my leave of this. I hope some of you who are STILL piling on guilt might take a few seconds to read and digest some of the other elements of this situation, or maybe just also back out of the thread if you don't have supportive things to say (as many of you ask others to do in other threads, I'll note.)
well I am finding it quite upsetting too, but for the opposite reason.
I didnt mean that you personally were intending to do that. Just that I can see it's gonna be a really emotive and controversial topic. Maybe it's hard to seperate personal views on the wellbeing of a child with what an actual poster needs. Which is understandable! I dunno. I'll duck out too.
Working shifts means that you work some unsociable hours and at other times you usually have a lot of free time. It's not impossible at all. For young kids, I personally am seeing some positive things about working shifts (especially if it's combined with another carer working normal hours). I work shifts and most of my mates at work that have kids get by just fine. No one's had to give up their job.
I however fully agree that shift work can be problematic if there's a single carer who doesn't have the backland of extended family. Which kinda sounds like it'd be the case if blah took care of her sister. A very valid point against taking her. I get a 5 year old to my home every other weekend and it is hard work most definitely. I'm usually kinda relieved when she leaves and that's not because I don't care about her.
And personally, I find it really bizarre that they'd offer her money to quit her job to take care of her sister. I thought it was the year 2010.
I have heard horror stories about foster parents, but they're usually from friends of my parents who grew up in care. The only foster carers I know are a caring, educated couple. I think the process of becoming a foster carer is long and difficult, I don't see why anyone would go through it unless they liked kids. I think maybe problems are caused when the child is constantly moved around, but I've heard that long term foster care is more likely when children are taken into care while they're young.
One thing I do want to point out, though, is that even if Blah's sister did have a difficult life as a result of being in care, Blah would probably still be able to help her by being a strong, confident role model to her. Although this is emotive, putting the career you're passionate about before anything else is a strong message to send to a child, and it could provide her with some strength and something to focus on if she needs it for whatever reason. In my opinion the important thing is for Blah to be confident in her decision, which is why I think she needs to consider which of the worst possible situations she could live with, as well as how she feels and how she feels her sister will cope.
They just really try and keep children with family
Only you can make the decision, and only you can know what that decision is. Its impossible for us to judge from the outside looking in, and so I don't think people necessarily should. It doesn't matter what we think, because we can't ever fully understand your situation. Neither option seems like the easy way out, so I just trust that you know best for you and your sister.
(The quote about being in someone's shoes and walking around in them springs to mind).
All the best *hug*
There are some stories of successful fostering on here. The introduction of legislation like the children's act 2004 means that standards of care and monitoring of potential and existing foster parents are different to how things were prior to this with the express purpose of improving outcomes for children.
There are alot of horror stories around, but also alot of success stories which aren't so well publicised. Care is often a starting point for a better life for a child, the chance to experience things within a family they have never had before, in an ideal world all parents would do exactly what was the best and most loving thing for their child...but this isnt an ideal world and children do end up in care, and sometimes, for some children a foster home is the best thing that ever happened to them.
I actually know someone who has fostered in the past and she created a loving and nurturing environment for all children who came into her care, treated them as part of the family and when they moved on they were more happy, more adjusted children with better chances of success in life than when they arrived. She felt she had to give up fostering because she simply cared too much and it was hard to let go, and i think the same would apply to most in the field. You have to be a special type of person to be able to give so much of yourself to a (usually) very damaged individual, it's certainly not financially rewarding. i dont understand the thinking in this thread that care = bad.
Blah has already said that she looked into and asked about working shifts that suited the care of her sister and was told it wasn't an option and in the current economic climate i wouldnt want to risk my job - there are hardly any jobs out there as it is.
As for the boyfriend thing, ive lost count of the number of times i have been told having your own child is very different to looking after one that doesnt belong to you by parents.
It's a very difficult decision to make and it is easy to say how you would do it when the pressure isn't on. Foster carers are highly in demand but i think we could all think of a reason why we wouldn't do it right now. I love children, i enjoy spending my day with them, i have a spare bedroom, i would be a good mum. It's not the right thing for me now though and Blah doesn't feel it is the right thing for her. It doesn't mean she has condemned her sister to a bad life though.
As long as blahs sister is being looked after and cared for properly, that's the main thing. In an ideal world family will always be able to provide back up but that's not always the case. Blah shouldn't feel guilty at all.
An emotive subject that'll tug on most peoples heartstrings, I think.
Edit - one thing I didn't think to ask - if the sister did go into long-term care, would she be adopted out? If so, how would that affect things with a view to visiting?
i just want to thank everyone for their advice and support in this thread. this thread isn't really going any further so i'd like to close it. i just want to say a few things first though if thats ok
i realise alot of people have strong opinions on the matter but to be honest, its very easy for someone who isn't in my situation to say "i'd do this and that". before i was put in this situation, i probably would have thought i'd take my little sister but now i'm in the situation, my feelings are different.
my decision has been based on SO many factors, it really has. i have thought things through for over 6 weeks now, i've barely slept and well, its all i've been thinking about lately. my heart wants me to take her but my head is saying no. its really NOT the right time in my life. it hasn't been an easy decision at all, its all been very upsetting but deep down, i know the decision i've made is the right one. i have her best interest's at heart her. not just my own.
i'd firstly like to point out that my boyfriend's opinion in the matter hasn't really contributed that much to my decision and i find it a little insulting people think i'd let a man influence me so much when it comes to something as serious as this. this has been MY decision and nobody elses. at the end of the day, boyfriend's come and go (as i've learnt in the past but hopefully this one is for keeps), my sister will always be my sister. my boyfriend never gave me a "its me or her" ultimatum. he would NEVER do that. he's not this nasty horrible monster that some of you are making him out to be. infact, he's been very supportive. all he said is that he wouldn't want my sister coming to live with us right now because of our situation which i think is fair enough. on top of that, i don't think he's being unreasonable by not wanting to take on somebody else's child and well, give up the life he has now. he hasn't said anything like that but you know, if he did, i wouldn't think he was being out of order.
i don't think my boyfriend would leave me if i took on my younger sister. HOWEVER, i do think it would put alot of strain on our relationship because we aren't ready to be looking after a child...emotionally, financially, etc. say, i did take my sister on and it lead to us splitting up...i'd lose the security of a home, i'd be miserable. what use would i be to my sister then? i'd also probably have to give up my job so i wouldn't even be able to provide her with anything that she deserves.
for those that are saying i wouldn't have to give up my job, i would. although i do shift work, it isn't always fixed. for example, last night, i got home over 90 minutes late because i got stuck at a job and today, my shift was changed by two hours and i was only told late last night. this isn't something i have a choice about. its just how the job is. when i have my own children, i'll have to get a different job (but i plan on having a different one by then anyway) because it simply wouldn't work!!! i also work mostly weekends/late evenings so although she'd be in school most of the time, that would be no good to me as i work mostly out of school hours. looking after a child around my job is not possible and i would not be able to afford a childminder around the hours i currently work. my boyfriend works long hours (he sometimes comes home from work hours late without notice and unexpectedly has to work weekends - its in his contract unfortuantely
even if i did give up my job, i can pretty much guarantee that the social services won't pay me what i'm currently being paid. i would not be able to afford to look after her. also, there is the possibility one of her parents will get her back if they sort themselves out. what would happen to me if i quit my job, took her on and then her parents got her back? i'd be left jobless, i'd have no support off the social services and my mortgage wouldn't get paid.
for those suggesting i get help off family and family friends...there is none. my mum has no family and any friend she did have, she has now lost. my nearest family member lives miles away so again, thats no use to me.
there is so much more i could say in here to justify my decision but i won't bore you all any further. like i said above, this hasn't been an easy decision but it has been one that has had alot of thought gone into it. the decision has been mine and mine only. as i also said above, i've got her best interest's at heart here, not just my own. in a few years time, my situation will probably have changed massively. if she is still in care in a few years then maybe i'll be able to take her away from the situation she is currently in. who knows. for now though, i've made my decision, a decision that i think is right.
again, i thank everyone for contributing to this thread and giving me advice. also, thanks to those who have supported me, means alot
essay over.
Big hugs to you blah. And remember, you don't have to justfiy your decision to anybody except yourself.
Loads of luck
Absolutely brilliant post, and I hope putting it all down like that helped you as well as explaining.
All the best with getting to see her.
xx
this x
i know that this is a scary time for you but i am adopted into an adoption family i was taken away from my parents as a baby
dont fret.... TALK
Hi sorry would read it all the way down if i had time but I don't sozz xx
Ok I've been in the same situation social services can do that unfortuanetly they did to me although I never new who my ma actually was because she used to keep me locked in my bedroom crying not all foster famalies are bad maybe some but not all if you don't like your foster family you can go back on to the care home they had ettled you so who ever she is with Im sure shell enjoy it