Best Of

I am 24, I did a film degree, never attempted to enter the industry. Worked in a care home which was just agonisingly stressful for like the last two years. I recently got a job in a coffee shop after a few failed interviews trying to get into positions with more progression (admin etc).

I just feel like I need to give this back ground as context. I feel and have felt for quite a while like a complete alien. I kind of feel like a stupid toddler, incapable in an adult workplace. I think it sort of stems from the fact that o do have a genetic condition that impaired my eye sight and hearing to a degree. I was also the youngest child. So sure I was a bit over protected. I feel like even as an adult these poor staff are having to treat me like an extremely shy 16 y/Ø who doesn’t know up from down. I feel annoying. I notice that my current manager really has to take a kind of ridiculously motherly sort of role to help me. I had one experience in retail before where they just didn’t have the time of day for me so I guess at least this is slightly more positive than that.

I really desperately want to feel like a confident functioning human who can go about independently in the workplace. I often feel the need to overshare about how I am nervous to do stuff or how I messed something up. I am trying to pass my driving test (that’s a whole other thing). And after that maybe I can put money toward some actual therapy. I just feel like I’ve hit a complete brick wall. I don’t feel I can progress career wise atm. I’m already so embarrassed by how I’ve acted in front of customers with this new job. I seem to struggle with super basic stuff.

Every time I tell myself that things can't get any worse, they fucking get worse. My dad ended up in hospital yesterday from a serious accident at work. And from my mum's reaction and what she said (cause she visited him and I havent cause I'm ill), I am absolutely terrified and devastated. Everything keeps getting worse and worse, I don't know what to do. All of this is making me feel sick and lightheaded.

I made a huge post venting about everything, but I wrote it yesterday at 4am (I didn't sleep btw) and the more and more I reread it, the more I don't want to post it. Its bad, like real bad. I'm not sure what to do, cause posting it feels like the wrong thing, like it feels too personal and like just 'too much' to post on the Internet for everyone to see. Plus I don't see what help it could do beside just being a 'vent' from me. I just don't know what else I can do. I feel totally lost and given up.

Hey yall. Yes this is going to be another one of my long rambles going over how shit I feel, because apparently thats something I want to talk about right now. I guess these vents do work if I keep on wanting to write them more, right?

I dont know how to explain how horrible I feel without using the same words I kept on using the past 6 months. I keep feeling worse and worse, and my volcabulary isnt expanding fast enough for me to be able to explain it lol. Every single day I tell myself "I feel the worst, theres no way it can get worse than this" but turns out my life is real good at proving me wrong, all the time.

I cant believe I'm about to say this but I have to stop lying to myself, lately I've been feeling a little suicidal. Yes I said it. But I'm safe, I'm not planning on acting on this at all, I don't want to anyways. I kinda just wish all this pain was gone. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I don't see things getting better at all, theres just too much wrong with me, everything is messed up. I have almost completely stopped caring for myself, though I havent cared much for myself anyways. I'm not gonna call any helplines cause I'm not in crisis, besides, they arent gonna make all my problems disappear. And neither will me making this post unfortunately. I like to think about venting and coping as a sort of painkiller for a missing limb, it makes you feel better but it isn't gonna regrow the limb.

Even when things are good they are bad. I've returned from holiday which was great, we have been to many awesome places and seen a lot of cool stuff and even visited some distant family. But I don't feel happy, I feel sad. Everything feels like it was a dream, a short dream at that. I have so many photos but looking through them all it feels like they're not mine. In every photo of me I can just see the sadness. Every single time I will look at these photos in the future, I will see myself not smiling or having fun, but depressed and struggling instead. I kinda want to delete all the photos, pretend like all of it never happened, but that idea terrifies me. Plus that would just be reinforcing those messed up thoughts of mine and giving in. Those photos are my only memories of the trip, I dont want to lose them.

But anyways. I seriously dont know what to do. I have planned so many things, stuff I can look forward to, like learning to play a new instrument or joining a sports club or anything social that can get me out of my comfort zone. But I know none of it will happen, I'm not willing or dedicated enough, otherwise I wouldn't be here struggling this much.

Im really sorry for my recent behaviour in group chat.

Ive been really horrible and selfish.
In the future if im not feeling good i will find a different distraction.

I get panicked and upset when messages are missed and that's really unfair to people.
I know its busy and messages get missed, my brain just worries i made people mad.

And I struggle repeating my messages because I worry what if people just don't know what to say. And that makes me feel alone.

But then i start to wonder what if i made people mad.

And i act out. I ask if i upset people. I blow up. Im rude and I blow up.

Instead of dealing with it and talking it through i leave.

I thought that was for the best. I thought it was better if i didn't take up space after getting upset.

But i just made things worse. And after getting upset, when people then greet me or ask how i am i panic. I feel manipulative. I don't want kindness if its forced. What if they don't really care theyre only asking because i caused a fuss.
But it wasn't forced. People are just kind.

And me getting more upset doesn't help. Im sorry for coming in and out. I try to calm myself down. Sometimes i think im calm but im not.

Ive made chat hostile and harder for others to get help. That is not ok.

Im incredibly sorry. Please let me know if there's anything else ive done thats been causing damage.

Im really sorry.

Chat is such an important resource. Im sorry for ruining it for people.

Kind regards Errrin.