Yet another vent

JJLemon18

Hey yall. Yes this is going to be another one of my long rambles going over how shit I feel, because apparently thats something I want to talk about right now. I guess these vents do work if I keep on wanting to write them more, right?

I dont know how to explain how horrible I feel without using the same words I kept on using the past 6 months. I keep feeling worse and worse, and my volcabulary isnt expanding fast enough for me to be able to explain it lol. Every single day I tell myself "I feel the worst, theres no way it can get worse than this" but turns out my life is real good at proving me wrong, all the time.

I cant believe I'm about to say this but I have to stop lying to myself, lately I've been feeling a little suicidal. Yes I said it. But I'm safe, I'm not planning on acting on this at all, I don't want to anyways. I kinda just wish all this pain was gone. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I don't see things getting better at all, theres just too much wrong with me, everything is messed up. I have almost completely stopped caring for myself, though I havent cared much for myself anyways. I'm not gonna call any helplines cause I'm not in crisis, besides, they arent gonna make all my problems disappear. And neither will me making this post unfortunately. I like to think about venting and coping as a sort of painkiller for a missing limb, it makes you feel better but it isn't gonna regrow the limb.

Even when things are good they are bad. I've returned from holiday which was great, we have been to many awesome places and seen a lot of cool stuff and even visited some distant family. But I don't feel happy, I feel sad. Everything feels like it was a dream, a short dream at that. I have so many photos but looking through them all it feels like they're not mine. In every photo of me I can just see the sadness. Every single time I will look at these photos in the future, I will see myself not smiling or having fun, but depressed and struggling instead. I kinda want to delete all the photos, pretend like all of it never happened, but that idea terrifies me. Plus that would just be reinforcing those messed up thoughts of mine and giving in. Those photos are my only memories of the trip, I dont want to lose them.

But anyways. I seriously dont know what to do. I have planned so many things, stuff I can look forward to, like learning to play a new instrument or joining a sports club or anything social that can get me out of my comfort zone. But I know none of it will happen, I'm not willing or dedicated enough, otherwise I wouldn't be here struggling this much.

Azziman

Hey @JJLemon18, thank you for sharing how you feel with us here, it's a brave thing to do It sounds like you're going through a difficult time at the moment. I just want to say, anyone can experience struggle in life, but it doesn't make you any less of a person. It's hard to be motivated to do anything when we don't have hope, because sometimes that is the only thing that keeps us going. But each day, you keep on going, and you engage with us on here, and we're really glad that you do! You've been travelling and meeting family, and that's all engaging in new experiences and people, and it sounds like you had a good time

You've got things in mind that you'd like to do - learning to play a new instrument sounds like a great idea; joining a sports club would great to get into better shape; and socialising in itself can help us feel less isolated. All great things, and to me, signs that there is a little bit of hope in there. I hope that you are able to get going on some (or all) of these, and I'm sure that when you do, you'll do great. But if you're not feeling like you're up to pursuing them today, then that's okay too - there's always another day that you can take that first step. And we'll here to listen to you, whether you want someone to hear you out when things aren't going well, or you want to celebrate when you do have a good day

JJLemon18

@Azziman Thank you!

Azziman wrote: »

You've been travelling and meeting family, and that's all engaging in new experiences and people, and it sounds like you had a good time

Yea it sounds like a good time when I think back on it too. I just wish it felt that way...

Former Member

@JJLemon18 I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's important to reach out for support when you're struggling, even if you're not in immediate crisis. Sharing your feelings and thoughts with someone you trust can be a way to lessen the burden and gain some perspective. Friends, family members, or mental health professionals can offer empathy, understanding, and sometimes helpful advice.

You mentioned having plans to engage in new activities, and while it's true that motivation can be challenging to find, it's important to start small. Setting achievable goals can help you regain a sense of accomplishment and boost your mood. If you find that your current state is making it hard to engage in these activities, it could be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can guide you through this process.

JJLemon18

@Terry8936 Thank you so much. I can't wait to speak with a mental health professional, but they're not very avaliable lol. It's like my mental health is getting worse much faster than I can get support for it.

Laura_tigger82

You really deserve all the support you need @JJLemon18. It sounds really difficult that you don't feel mental health services are available and certainly not at the same pace as your mental health is declining. Is there a particular type of support you are looking for at the moment? Hopefully, we might be able to help you locate an available mental health professional

JJLemon18

@Laura_tigger82 Thank you. I actually have no idea what support I need. I'd take about any help I can get lol. I was thinking a therapist but I can't get the courage to call them again to check if they have space

Laura_tigger82

It's okay not to know what support you need @JJLemon18 - these things can take time (and a lot of trial and error!). We often don't know what we need overnight and it is okay if certain things aren't the most helpful for you.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about approaching a therapist? I am wondering if there's anything or anyone who might be able to make it more manageable for you to call them again to check if they have space.

Could you also contact them through a different means (e.g., email) if it is the calling itself that is most difficult for you at the moment or could someone else contact them on your behalf? We are here for you to support you through this

JJLemon18

@Laura_tigger82 Thank you I finally had my initial assessment with a mental health team a few days ago so I've got some support for now. I was referred for cbt therapy (I think) so I'm hoping that could help me once I finally get my appointments.

Laura_tigger82

What a relief @JJLemon18 - you deserve all the support you have started having access to (and much more!). Do you know when your appointments might start yet?

JJLemon18

@Laura_tigger82 no idea yet. Hope you are doing well

Laura_tigger82

I am well thank you @JJLemon18. How are you whilst you are waiting for your appointments to begin?

JJLemon18

@Laura_tigger82 I was feeling pretty good over the last week but today I've been extremely anxious thank you for asking

Laura_tigger82

Would you like to talk about the anxiety @JJLemon18 - did anything, in particular, trigger the anxiety and does anything usually help when you are feeling anxious? I'm super sorry to see no one has been able to respond to you yet but we are all here with you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us about this

JJLemon18

@Laura_tigger82 usually it's people who trigger my anxiety, even with no reason whatsoever. I don't know why I'm so terrified of being around others.

Laura_tigger82 wrote: »

I'm super sorry to see no one has been able to respond to you yet but we are all here with you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us about this

Don't say that. I've had plenty of people replying to my stuff on many other threads, it's cool! Thank you for constantly checking up on me though

Former Member

Hello @JJLemon18
That seems really rough, have you tried talking about this social anxiety with your therapist? you mentioned you had an initial assessment and that you were referred to start cbt therapy. How's that going for you?

JJLemon18

@genderless_fungi Hi. I'm still waiting for the therapy sessions unfortunately. I do have a counsellor who I meet every 2/3 weeks and we talked quite a bit about anxiety. I think the sessions are helping me but I can't really feel it, if that makes any sense.

Azziman

Hey @JJLemon18, it's good to hear that you're able to talk to a counsellor about how you feel. Even if you can't feel the difference, having that outlet can help us to stop keeping it all within, and perhaps feel a little less alone. And that in itself can mean a lot

I hope that you're able to get your therapy sessions going soon. It's okay not to know why you're afraid of others, and it's not an uncommon feeling to have either so you're not alone. Doing your best to manage it, such as talking to a counsellor or applying for a therapist, are steps in the right direction, and that's progress in of itself!

Former Member

@JJlemon18 Keep up the pace~!