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Ah, @eylah , last night sounds extreamly difficult. I'm so sorry that you were struggling that much and feeling so alone. That feels heartbreaking, and honestly horrible to be threatened with being arrested when you were just missing your mum so badly.

I hear just how furious you are with yourself today and how hard it is to forgive yourself. It sounds so painful too to be afraid that your mum would be mad at you or dissapoinnted if she knew what happened. I completely agree with @AnonymousToe and I believe that your mum would understand - it sounds like there was so much love between you, and I can imagine that her main concern would just be that you're hurting, and that more than anything she would simply want to be there for you.

You said that you feel stupid, and I can imagine it's so frustrating because you feel so clearly in your mind that you don't want to touch alcohol ever, and yet, when things are very stressful or you're struggling to cope, alcohol has been something you've reached for. That makes sense, @eylah , even though it might feel like a battle going on inside you. We don't judge you here in the slightest, and from where I'm standing you've simply been trying your very best to cope through unbearable circumstances.

Grief can feel messy and all-consuming sometimes, and perhaps it doesn't always feel within your control. That's overwhelming, and we're here for you every step of the way, no matter what happens.

Big hugs @eylah im sure your mum would understand how it happened. You’re going through possibly the hardest time of your life so it’s ok to slip up. We’re here for you 🫂 🩷

@BillieTheBot you’re welcome

Hey @eylah firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling and how it's been for you these last couple of months. I'm sending you so many hugs right now

It sounds like this was one night where you drank alcohol - is that correct if you feel comfortable sharing? I don't think you've failed badly at all. We're humans - we make mistakes and sometimes give into temptations. It sounds like a lot happened last night so no wonder you're feeling lots of different emotions right now. In terms of liver failure from alcohol usage, this requires a large amount of alcohol to be consumed over a period of time. If you want to change your habits Eylah, I want to reassure you that you definitely have time. What happened last night doesn't have to be a defining moment for you - you might find some comfort in just seeing it as a blip. We're all human at the end of the day so please be gentle with yourself.

Is there anything that brings you comfort when you miss your mum? Any comforting items or fond memories you like to think about? Grief can be so tricky to navigate and usually ends up being very up and down. The amount of grief you are feeling just shows how much she meant to you - and that's a beautiful thing.

Please also know that we are right here with you - you're not alone

eylah wrote: »

idk if many know but my mum passed away in september from her liver failure/transplant and her other health issues. i feel so ashamed of myself bc i said to her i would not touch alcohol especially bc she passed from it. but last night i drank alcohol and was threatened with being arrested if i didjt go hospital with police so i did. but i woke up today and i feel so guilty and ashamed with myself bc i did the exact thing that killed my mum and i feel so so angry with myself bc I have failed so badly. im sat here sobbing bc i want my mum back but that ive started going down the path she did. im so emotional rn i wish i had ppl to talk to but im alone 💔. i feel so like she is so mad at me for doing it. i cant do this💔😭.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but please don’t be too hard on yourself. Grief can bring out overwhelming emotions, and you're not failing by feeling lost right now. You’re doing the best you can, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Please reach out to someone, you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re loved, and you will get through this. ❤️