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Hello, I haven't posted on here for a little while. Sorry, it's gonna be long Maybe someone here can relate, but even if not it just helps a bit to get it out there.

I have two conflicting feelings today, one being 'inspired, hopeful, expansive, emotional, poignant' and the other 'confused, defeated, hopeless, frustrated, overwhelmed.' (I mean that's lots of feelings but they're kind of grouped into two in my head.)
The former feels like life is amazing, kind of TOO amazing as there's so much out there, and I want to do and understand so much, and the opportunities and potential seem infinite and exciting, but that drags me into the second feeling, cos I start to think I'll never get to do any of those things, it all feels too overwhelming, I'll forget the 'excited/inspired' feeling and go back to my usual, familiar dissociated and brain-fogged ways yet again within days, and waste my whole life. I want to withdraw and open out at the same time. I also don't want to let the positive feeling get out of control and turn into racing thoughts and anxiety like it has done sometimes in the past when I've felt this way, when all the thoughts get so complicated and confusing and I can't turn them off.
I feel like it's always all-or-nothing, I can't have an in-between. Whenever I make a breakthrough in understanding why I function the way I do and how I see the world, and that these are not the only options available to me, it's like it sets off this chain reaction where suddenly the shackles are gone and I feel more free than I ever have before, but then it's overwhelming cos I feel like I have to relearn and rewrite all the 'rules' I had already established a long time ago, and how do I go about that when I don't even know where to start, etc.
Plus there's this crushing anxiety that I'll forget this freer mindset and the 'route' to it, even if I write down all my observations now to remind me later, I may not understand them in the same way because I'll be reading them through the lens of my narrower-mindset. Like leaving a message for someone, and when they look at it it doesn't make any sense, or doesn't convey what you wanted it to... except the 'other person' is just me in a few hours/days/etc time.
I know this isn't a useful way to think, and I can't force myself into mindsets or feelings. It's just really hard when I have these glimpses of 'if I could see the world like this as a default, I think I could actually feel safe enough to move on with my life', and then it's just gone again and I feel as blank and worthless and repetitive as before. And then I think 'was that glimpse real, or was it some kind of delusion?'. My mind feels so chaotic, I feel like I'm searching for an object in a cluttered room full of things, and I'm not even sure what I'm looking for.

(GIF incoming)
Anyway, I was writing all this in my journal and I had a feeling I wanted to post it here. My main thought about it is 'too much thinking, you're stuck in your head', so I'm gonna try and get busy doing something practical and leave these thoughts alone for the rest of the day. It helps a bit to have written some of them down, especially as I usually can't keep hold of these thoughts long enough to translate them into words. I feel like my mind is so flicker-y, it darts from one place to another and I can't remember or understand where it's been, all in a matter of a few seconds Like a TV screen cycling through images so quickly, you can't comprehend any individual image, it's just a blur. Anyone else know what I mean?