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DonnerKebab wrote: »

Redemption wrote: »

@DonnerKebab are you free to talk, bro?

@Redemption hey bro, sorry i've been a while, yeah, course i am

@DonnerKebab nah thats ok, Im grateful you chat, thsnk you so much I hope it's not an issue supporting me. I had some of the food I was on about earlier and I couldn’t eat it, I didn't like it at all.

discussions for my transition to adult mental health services will start in december since thats when ill almost be 17 and a half. technically i turn 17 and a half in january but in december thats when i have both an appointment with my care coordinator and counsellor and an appointment with my psychiatrist. and currently i have camhs appointments every three months or so with my care coordinator and counsellor and every four months with my psychiatrist so the discussions need to start then. thats if i even need adult mental health services by then, but honestly i think i need them for at least a year after i get discharged from camhs due to me being in college until im 19. i dont think it would be very fitting if i asked the college for counselling sessions after i get discharged from camhs and if i dont get moved to adult mental health services because they may need to lower the amount of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants that i take. my dad predicts that in a couple of years i may not even need anti-depressants anymore because im doing ok mentally. as for anti-psychotics... im not sure. im scared that if i gradually go off them ill start to hallucinate again which is why i probably need to stay in adult mental health services just in case anything bad happens. but the question is how long will i stay there for? who knows.

ok so i havent heard gertrude for a month now. the last thing she said was "the people at the college arent very happy you know" and that was the night after i had my enrollment day at the college. so it was on the same day as the enrollment day if that makes sense. im pretty sure shes gone. this is the longest time ive gone without hearing her i think. maybe ive gone without hearing her for longer but i didnt document it. however this time i have because i truly want this voice gone. she made my life a living hell in 2024 and made me believe things that werent real. the reason why im also documenting this is because i want my dosage of meds to be lowered significantly. im currently on 20 mg of aripiprazole (i take two 10mg tablets) and 10 mg of fluoxetine. my care coordinator said that my meds shouldnt be lowered until i go onto adult mental health services although i kind of want to prove him wrong and not have a single symptom of psychosis or depression (or as they call it, low mood) for six months. my psychiatrist said thats the amount of time i need to not have a single symptom before he can lower my meds because i said it correctly last time i had an appointment with him. to be honest with you my goal before being discharged from camhs is that i want to be at the very most at 15 mg of aripiprazole. preferably id want to be at 10 but given i have only 10 months of camhs left i think 15 mg is more appropriate. and in terms of fluoxetine i want to be off it completely since i searched it up and 10 mg is the lowest dosage. if gertrude ruins my plans by appearing again im gonna crash out...

Today, we went out to a curry buffet place for an early, big meal, earlier than I would have liked, and I don’t really like the place anyway. I normally like this type of food, but not this place really. I only went because I didn’t know we were going there. When it was served, I started eating, but a few minutes in I got full and didn’t want to have more. I tried to explain that I was full, but family kept making comments, like saying I’d barely touched it. I just felt full and didn’t really want more food, and they kept commenting, so I had to just accept it. I ended up bringing the food home.

I’ve just been having a tough time with things lately and maybe found the recent few days even lower and darker. I struggle quite often, and I’ve been crying a couple of times recently, but some days and times are worse than others, and this is one of those periods. So my low mood might have been partly to do with it, but I don’t like the place anyway. I feel like I’ve brought this on myself and that it’s something I’ve done that’s put me behind. I also don’t really have anyone to talk to in terms of my struggles, so I was just there struggling inside and pressured to have food that I don’t like from a place I don’t like. I’ve just been pretending to be alright, but I’m not really.

I’ve also been reflecting on not taking a job, which was like a cleaner-type job. I didn’t take it because of the stigma, and I regretted it shortly after and have been regretting it ever since. I feel like I complain about not getting to where I want to be when this could have been a big start for me, and that’s why I’ve been struggling so much. I still don’t feel 100% in terms of my mood from today and feel down for not taking the job. I’ve been feeling guilty about it ever since.

@DonnerKebab
Hey mate,
Of course you can ask that question I don't mind. I'm Christian, I used to go to Sunday church services but my local church shut down for some reason.

I really appreciate it.
Also I am in and out of court at the moment so may be delays in my responses, sorry.

Redemption wrote: »

I was struggling last night / early morning, I just have to go on and pretend Im ok in front of everyone, I am not too bad up to now but I have to be anyway.

hru doing now? im here if you need to talk abt anything.

Hey @Redemption thanks so much for this post. Having to pretend to be okay when, on the inside, you're really struggling sounds draining. What do you wish the people around you could better understand about what you're going through right now? If you knew they would listen, what would you want to say?

hi

I found out about magic fizzy drinks wen I used to go out with the wrongens who started out as gd people at the time I was desperate