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Thank you @Sian321 i need to tidy and clean the house before we travel tonight to meet my birth mom. If I’m done early tho I might start on my portfolio for art as I got a new sketchbook today

@Rose113 I hope you get some answers for them, nothing worse than something happening and not being sure why. Glad it all went well this morning

I had my appointment with DR M today (Mental health) and she also sorted the appointment I was having to wait 7 weeks for (medical) so on Monday I have to have an ECG, blood tests and standing and lying BP monitoring

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Hey , I will try to keep this short, but it will probably become a vent post.

I've struggled with my mental health for the past 4 years and never reached out for help because I thought going through prolonged low periods were normal, even though I lost a lot of enjoyment in things, and I felt ashamed by stuff surrounding my suicidal thoughts (I am safe), I was scared to talk, and had no one to talk to about it. But this current period that has been ongoing for 8-9 months and has been the worst so far, I have lost enjoyment in absolutely everything, I have no appetite and struggle to eat (trying to eat makes me feel sick), I have difficulties sleeping, I struggle with basic care like doing my teeth which is embarrassing to say (I still manage to do it but I'm struggling), and I have mood swings where I go from really low to painfully sad for no reason, and going through the motions of all of this everyday struggling just makes me suicidal all the time - everything I do feels overwhelming (I am safe). However, I'm having these painfully sad periods more often now. Nearly every day last week, I ended up crying for hours, which is humiliating and distressing in school, and I ended up embarrassing myself. I find everything hard to do, getting out of bed, walking to school, and I feel exhausted every day.

I was discharged from the CAMHS crisis team 4 weeks ago, and they were around for 7 weeks. Once discharged, I got an appointment with the psychiatrist at CORE-CAMHS. However she didn't understand, nor do I think she believed me, she didn't acknowledge anything when I mentioned my lack of enjoyment in everything, struggling to eat etc. My care coordinator is on holiday which I wasn't told, but when I asked to speak to someone at CAMHS the person taking over looking at my notes said that it is because of stress, and because they've only known me since February they don't know much. CAMHS sent an email to my school asking for exam consideration, and to give details about my situation, but the email felt reductive and minimised my situation to being caused by situational stress (exams) and having "low mood" - they said they won't diagnose me with depression, partly because they haven't "known me for long". The email felt dismissive of potential mental health issues and the chronic nature of it, and how it has flared up without academic pressure before. It also didn't acknowledge the impact this has had on functioning, self-care etc. There's also the implication that I will be better after my exams, but I don't think so, and even if so, it will happen again as it has happened before.

I'm struggling to do everything, and they blame this on stress, and they always bring up my predicted grades or university offers as if that means I'm ok. I feel so ignored, especially after it has been going on for months, way before my exams, they act like I'm ok whilst I'm struggling so much, and because it's "stress" it feels like they're going to watch until my exams are over.

CAMHS did offer medication and are being pushy to speak to my parents, I turned down medication though as it was too close to the exams (which the psychiatrist wasn't understanding of), but I can't put up with crying for hours every day. They were saying it's my fault that I turned down support and said I must "comply" with them, I am being blamed by everyone for everything, and I'm blaming myself, I can't make one right decision. This is the only support they are offering me, even though things are getting worse. I don't get any more CAMHS appointments or phone calls with anyone.

I feel alone as well, no one knows what's going on apart from my teachers, and they are supporting me so much, I am wasting their time, I don't deserve their support.

CAMHS aren't helping me and I feel there's been a misunderstanding about my situation, and the lack of acknowledgement when I express my struggles is confusing, I don't know if they know, or don't or refuse to acknowledge what's going on because they don't say anything and swiftly move on, (I know they're underfunded anyways so that's probably a big part as well), and they don't acknowledge me when I say I'm crying for hours etc. etc., they don't go "ok" or anything, they somehow change the topic. Maybe they aren't helping because I'm turning 18 soon, or think that because I can function, I'm ok? But maybe they are also waiting for my exams to finish to see how I feel, and I know I won't feel better. My suicidal thoughts are really strong and persistent (I'm safe), and due to some silly things I guess, I landed with the crisis team, and I feel so hopeless now they're gone. And I know I'm probably not going to get support over the summer, as my only support network is my teachers, which is scary, but I will deal with it if it comes. I have tried to tell them things are getting worse but I don't even get an OK - and worse from where I'm at now really feels unbearable, I have gone from crying a few times a week for an hour or so to almost daily when I'm alone and have space, or in school, and can last hours, they end up talking about oh you can go to uni, or my predicted grades 🙄- I'm worried about myself, I want my life back, I don't have the energy to worry about school, I can't complete a quarter of the paper anymore and break down in tears randomly, I hate it when they mention it and my university offers, I don't need the reminder of what I've thrown away.

My A-Level exams start next week, and I don't know what to say. I can't focus and keep on zoning out, breaking down, and can't recall information quickly and struggle to problem solve and think clearly, let alone eat and care for myself - it's not going to be ok like CAMHS thinks. I loved school and academics, but I've lost enjoyment in everything. I decided to sit these exams - a bit strange when I think about struggling to do everything, like eating, and now I'm forcing myself to sit exams, oh well, it would've been downhill without them anyways. I think I'm just lazy, I can't pull myself together, I have disappointed myself and my teachers. I will most likely be resitting Year 13, and I'm pleased I have that option to fall back on.

I'm crying every day to the point that sometimes I'm sick, I can't hold my sadness back anymore, it's so debilitating to feel sad all the time and having to force myself to do everything, and now I have no one to turn to. I have periods where I felt nothing at all for a few days, and everything feels floaty or like it's a dream, idk how to put it, it's distressing, I get no break. I feel as though I'm pushing people away, without meaning to. I want it all to end. I can't keep struggling through each day as it comes, it's always the same. I'm so exhausted of masking (at home and in school), forcing myself to function, crying my eyes out, thinking of ending my life (I'm safe), then watch as my mood drops further, I cry more, become more isolated then try and not isolate myself, and it's this on repeat every day. I feel awful because there's no known reason why I feel this way, and I know people will have experienced and been through a lot worse. I don't know how long I can put up with this. I'm so close to giving up, and it will probably happen at some point.

(Once again I am safe.)

Sorry for wasting your time, I know this is really long, but I hope you all have a nice day and take care