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Best Of

Re: TW// self harm, suicide, alcohol mentions

Hey @Rose113 , we're here and we're listening. From what I'm hearing, it sounds as though you're feeling a really intense wave of guilt right now perhaps, or self-blame? Feeling that urge to appologise over and over for every aspect of yourself. Calling yourself a 'mistake'. That sounds so overwhelming.

Would you feel safe sharing a little bit about what's made you feel like you must say sorry today? Or that you've hurt someone or caused problems?

You're doing so well to open up, and it can feel extreamly distressing when we fear that we've caused hurt to someone else, but at the same time, that doesn't invalidate your right to exist and your worthiness to be safe, to be well, and to be supported.

Being hurt is normal, kindness is filled with lies and uncertainty. I only ever wanted to be loved and feel safe in my own skin but I’ve never known how, I’m sorry I overthink and I’m over sensitive so I’m sorry. I’m sorry that compliments make me feel nauseous, I’m sorry kindness makes me want to run and hide. I’m sorry that I’m broken

I hear you, Rose. And just how badly you are wanting to feel and react differently here. No one ever had a right to make you feel unsafe, and it sounds like you have had to adapt to so much negative treatment in the past as a means of survival. I hear you say you feel 'broken', and that sounds so painful to think. I hear a sense of hopelessness in that, maybe? Or a fear that things might always be this way?

You are so deserving of safety and healing, and you're worthy exactly as you are right now.

Can I check, are you feeling physically safe right now? And how might you support yourself these next few hours to feel safe? Is there anything you can think of that might feel grounding?

Sian321

TW// self harm, suicide, alcohol mentions

Why am I the one to hurt those who care most about me, maybe it’s because I believe no one cares about me ever. I’m sorry for always causing problems, I’m sorry for being me, I’m sorry for thinking I’m allowed a voice…it was a mistake…I’m a mistake. I’m sorry I make bad choices to punish myself. You can hurt me because I expect that from people, you can be kind and I’ll ask what you’re planning to do to me. Being hurt is normal, kindness is filled with lies and uncertainty. I only ever wanted to be loved and feel safe in my own skin but I’ve never known how, I’m sorry I overthink and I’m over sensitive so I’m sorry. I’m sorry that compliments make me feel nauseous, I’m sorry kindness makes me want to run and hide. I’m sorry that I’m broken

I’m sorry that I’ll beg people to scream at me, that’s what I deserve…it’s everything that I know. I’m sorry I get upset if im told no to being shouted at. Maybe I would have had a normal childhood if alcohol wasn’t chosen over me, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all my life fighting for a life I never wanted. I’m sorry I flinched so easily I’m sorry I flinch at things miles away, it’s because people’s hands have never been gentle around or on me. I’m sorry that I pick up sharps, everytime I’m upset just to punish myself for feeling that way.

I’m sorry that I’m taking up a life that someone else deserves, I’m sorry that I’ve never been successful in escaping my life , I’m sorry that I take up oxygen from those who deserve it most, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

River

Re: What should we watch on May 31st from 2pm-4pm?!

This was such a hard choice for me because:

1. I love love Wallace and Gromit. Also Gromit knits which is such a mood for me 😂. Plus I find the episodes hilarious and well written. Nick Park is a genius!.

2. Shrek is an absolute classic film and one of my favourite childhood movies. Plus my favourite band features on it too which is even a bonus. I find shrek relatable tbf lol.

3. Mrs Harris Goes to Paris - While I have never seen this movie yet have heard of it. Its funny because my mum actually watched that and said it was very good and heartwarming.

Overall, a hard choice but Shrek won me over 🤣

Amy22

Wheelchair

I use a wheelchair but I can walk I have had a few nasty looks when people see me move my leg when I’m in my wheelchair I don’t use my wheelchair 24/7 I use crutches too but I’ve had a few nasty looks when someone sees me moving my leg I use my wheelchair for different reasons mostly because I have temporary paralysis in my legs or arms due to my FND the other reason is I have seizures everyday and after a seizure sometimes I will have my legs or my arms temporary paralysed but sometimes their is no cause for the paralysis the last reason is when I have a seizure in my wheelchair I’m safe and I can’t get hurt plus it’s less scary for the public and less likely to cause a scene where as last time I was out on crutches I had a seizure and fell backwards and hurt my head and arms and it caused a massive scene I came around with loads of people around me and then I went into a panic attack so my wheelchair is the best option and the safest especially when I have temporary paralysis so can people stop giving me evils for moving my leg in the wheelchair thanks

Summerjune15

Re: unsure of what to do!!

shannon_164 wrote: »

hey🙂

soo basically, at the age of 21 i am still incapable of making decisions lol

what the situation is:
currently, i am studying btec level 3 health and social care which is the equivalent of 3 a levels meaning that you can progress onto university (obviously this will depend on you getting the grades). i do enjoy the course, however, the college i am at, well i haven't had a good experience lets just say... i am approaching the end of year 1 of the course and unsure what to do next (its a 2 year course just for reference). i have looked into transferring colleges, which is an option as long as i complete year 1 however, this led me to discovering another course (which is one year long) that i really want to do instead so now im kinda lost i guess? the other college seem such better vibes after meeting with their course coordinator, and waaay more supportive too!

one thing that is really stressing me out about year 2 of my current course is that we have to complete 100 hours of work experience, which i know across the space of 8 months is not at all a lot of hours, but on top of already being in employment, studying a full time course and voluntary roles i have, its going to be hard to squeeze in - especially since my main part time job is not at all flexible to allow for anything else in life lol

in terms of employment - i currently have 2 jobs - my main job being in the airport for 20 hours per week (i hate this job though) and my other being a support worker with children and young people specifically for a few hours per month (i love this job though). i am trying to find a job elsewhere in relation to what i really want to do, rather than the airport - i would absolutely LOVE if more hours at my other job was an option, but unfortunately not:( though this morning they have advertised a new role, its super similar to my current role there, but rather than specifically children and young people, it would be any age group which i wouldn't mind - my only worry around it is, they state you must live in the area advertised which i don't, i live about 40 minutes away, however, i live in the middle of nowhere so i am going to have a minimum travel time to any job of about 20 minutes anyways unless i want to be a farmer lol - i am feeling positive ish about that aspect though as my current job with them said you must live within the area advertised, again, the three areas they advertised for i don't live in but they were ok with that as i can drive and said i am willing to travel (its about 30 minutes travelling time).

what i want for the future:
for several years now, i have been so so set on youth work as my career goal but there has been times where i have considered other things too - some of what i've also thought about has been social work, mental health nursing and psychology.

in line with the youth work career goal, i have recently completed my ocn level 2 youth work qualification alongside working as a support worker with children and young people specifically (my mega part time job) and volunteering in a few different places, all either specifically with children and young people or mental health related. i have considered maybe looking into employment with the education authority as you are able to complete the level 2 and 3 youth work qualifications through them when in employment, however, the downside to completing them with the education authority is that they do not offer the ocn youth work qualifications, it is their own which is only recognised by the education authority and worthless effectively in terms of being qualified to level 2 / 3 standard outside of the education authority; on top of that, it isn't possible at present as their roles are all for 3-6 hours per week which isn't enough hours for me and not something that can coincide with my main part time job at the airport since there is no flexibility there - it's been a struggle with college!!!

what the options i have are:
original plan:
since debating between youth work and other careers, primarily social work, my plan was to complete the btec level 3 health and social care then go on to complete the btec level 4 social and community work course (which to my knowledge are enough to get into uni) then let that be my decider so to speak for which one i want to do since it covers both social and youth work - the entry requirements for the level 4 courses are 1 a level and be currently employed / volunteering in a relevant setting. after this, then going to uni to do whichever i decide on.

i have a few options, these are:
> option 1 - stay at current college and complete year 2 of the course gaining the equivalent of 3 a levels, however, it ending up the same as how this year has been and absolutely hating it.

>option 2 - transfer colleges and complete year 2 of the course gaining the equivalent of 3 a levels, hopefully having a better experience than what my current college has been.

>option 3 - finish year 1 and bank the equivalent of 1 a level then go to the other college to study ocn level 3 youth work, however, an ocn level 3 is NOT equivalent to a levels (i think it carries only 8 ucas points?)

i think, key word being think lol, that what i think i want to do most is:
>complete year 1 of the course and bank 1 a level
>go to the other college and complete ocn level 3 youth work
>complete the level 4 social and community work course
>if at the time i want to, then go to uni and do either youth work or social work

i did reach out to the ni careers service this morning and explained my situation asking for advice for him to tell me at first he cant help, i need to speak to a careers advisor which baffled me as i assumed reaching out to the ni careers service which states "Need careers guidance, advice or support – contact the Careers Service for help by phoning 0300 200 7820, by email or webchat" at the top of their website was me speaking to a careers advisor then, but maybe not lol? anyways, in the end his advice was "its a good idea to keep your options open" which didn't help me with any of this haha

anyways, thank you for reading if you made it this far

Hey @shannon_164 . Honestly, you’re doing better than you think it’s normal to feel unsure what do in life. If youth work feels right and the new college seems more supportive, it’s okay to follow that. Trust yourself, take it one step at a time you’ve got this, whatever you do.

Redemption

Re: Probation review

@Invisible_me Hi there!

It sounds as if your boss isn't being the most reassuring to you and the vagueness is leaving you feeling quite unsettled, which is really understandable because it can be nice to know where you stand right, especially when you went out of your way to send him something vulnerable. ]

I'm wondering how this ended up going for you? We are here if you need to get anything off your chest about how this went.

Leyla

An apology from a Wounded Heart

I'm sorry I flinch at kindness,
like it's a trick I haven’t learned to trust.
I'm sorry I stare too much sometimes,
lost in a world that stole too much of me

I zone out when it gets too loud—
even when the room is quiet.
My mind slips away to survive
The sudden terrors of sounds I hear
They lurk in the background, I hear them

I'm sorry for the times I act out,
when fear is covered by anger,
when my voice sharpens and the barriers within come alive
even when im not angry just scared and tired of hurting.

I know it’s hard to understand
why I cry so randomly
or why I get upset over things that don’t make sense to you.
They don’t always make sense to me either
Sometimes I just cry because I fear my brain

I'm sorry Im too much to handle
I’m sorry I’m not good enough
all at once I just cause a mess
I'm trying to learn how to be safe in my skin

My trauma being a key of the unsafe world
A map of the life I used to live
Of places and people that still haunt me
Filled with fears I still can’t face

I love, but it’s different
I care in different ways
I love without physical touch
I love without the “I love you”

I’m sorry for the mess that I am
Im sorry for being who I am
Im sorry for always panicking over slight things
Text tone, no emojis, slight tone change
I’m sorry I overthink

I’m really trying to heal
But it feels impossible to do
When I’m still only surviving
Not living

River

Re: im taking some time away ❤️

thankyou so much @Amy22 thankyou all im now logging off for a while pls take care of yourselves.

eylah

👀 📚 I may or may not be writing a novel 👀 📚

So as someone of you probably know, one of my interests and passions is writing, specifically screen writing, writing for the stage so plays alongside writing regular stories.

As of lately I had a weird dream involving an all boys Catholic boarding school, a boy who wants to travel the world and a ghost trying to figure out what happened to them. So originally it was going to be a musical set in modern times (think Heathers but J.D is a ghost) but then I liked the idea of it being a period drama better. It's technically set during the end of WWII going into the early 1950s. The main character loves poetry and wants to see the world but his father wants him to follow in his and his brothers footsteps to become a doctor to eventually inherit the hospital they run. One day an incident happens putting said main characters life at risk when they are saved by an unknown spirit. Another encounter in a bathroom finally introduces him to a fellow boy, a blossoming relationship occurs eventually leading to something much more deeper and possibly sinister at bay.

The book deals with themes of its time and I am worries certain themes could be problematic a bit but my book is meant to be about changing the status quo and doing your own thing. It also deals with coming of age as well as being an LGBTQIA+ novella.

Let me know what you think and if you have any ideas or suggestions I can add to my book ☺.

Amy22

Probation review

I've got a mid point probation review tomorrow at work and I'm feeling scared To go. I had a supervision like 3 weeks ago with him and he said if not errvything is ticked off then I won't pass it but like I find it hard going in staying..
I did speak to him last week like a check in after went in unsettled and we had a but if chat and he was okay and prob a supportive ish quick chat we had and was able to like say im finding it hard, don't feel good enough, to which he was like "good enough for here or the world" and I said no here as in work. He asked me twice (goes to think how low he thinks i am), I mean even if imwas at that poibt then, I woildnt tell him anyway - I wasn't at that point then.

Also, ibd sent him an email your week with it "autism profile ' attached to it, which basically lists my difficulties, triggers, adjustments and my physical condition on therr but his nor replied to it so feel scared in case he brings that up🫣. I was hoping he woukd have read it, responded before tomorrow but..
I am scared once again! 😬😟😧

Invisible_me