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Often, it’s difficult for me to pull myself out of an episode. And when I’m at the gym, I have low energy and motivation to do anything, because all I want to do is lie in my bed whilst thinking about killing myself.

And when I don’t make progress at the gym, I don’t see much change with my body, and then that makes me more depressed

youre not alone @Redemption you have the mix by your side. if things get difficult you can always pm me. im just a message away.

I’m just fed up. I sit at home every day, tired, bored, stressed, applying for jobs, trying, but making no money. I feel like most people would be against me in society. I’m stressed every day, constantly comparing myself to others, overthinking everything, especially when things keep going wrong. Setbacks, failures, people doubting me, it all gets to me. I feel irritable, I dwell on small things, and it builds up. I think of past bad interactions, mistakes, stressful situations, even things like someone being rude, bad football games, or missing an exit. Then I beat myself up and feel like a bad person, even though I try to be nice.

Today I went to counselling. It was okay, and I’m glad I finally went after all these years. But after the session, I missed a couple of motorway exits and panicked, which added stress and wasted fuel. Then my work coach was unhappy with something, plus my job situation is still uncertain. I do counselling, support sessions, courses, and sometimes I feel better, but stress always creeps back. It’s like nothing sticks. I’ve been struggling for so long. People say your 20s should be carefree, but it’s been full of stress, setbacks, boredom, and difficult relationships. Even simple things like driving or people asking questions overwhelm me. I know not to take it out on others, but it’s hard. Uncertainty is the worst. I’ve had moments I thought I’d be sorted in six months, and a year later I’m still stuck. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I worry about my health too, like developing something serious. I know deep down I’ll get there. I have support, I’m trying my best, and I believe I’ll eventually look back and say “I made it.” But right now it’s just so hard, and I feel alone.

Lottie5433 wrote: »

Hey @Lili5Bet
Thank you for the response. I'm feel exhausted today, alot happened yesterday and last night and now im doing a 10hr shift 🙃.

In terms of her email I'm not sure how I feel about it. Like I get why she's telling me to contact 111/999/GP if I experience any chest pains but she knows i hate reaching out to anyone no matter what it is. Im also apprehensive that she might have emailed their duty Dr or my GP to mention all this - like my gp records it says I'm need an ecg but they make me uncomfortable.

I've emailed back now and said I can make it to the original 12pm appointment. I've also wrote notes so hopefully il remember them, if not ive told her the main things.

Thank you again ❤️

Hey @Lottie5433 ,

No worries at all, we’re here for you! 😊 Oh bless you, a 10hr shift! My goodness, I can definitely imagine how exhausted you feel, alongside a lot happening beforehand. I do hope you’ll be able to relax a little and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it! Even if it’s having a hot drink.

That’s understandable, and I can certainly relate with how you feel, when it comes to calling 111/999 or even the GP. It can be very daunting. Again, if comfortable sharing, what puts you off contacting them? I can really understand how hard it can be, personally, I don’t like calling either of them for plenty of reasons too, you’re not alone . Could you discuss with your Nurse, about looking at alternatives/strategies that can help open this access of support? How would you feel talking to her about this?
I’m sure that if she did contact either professionals, this is to make sure you’re safe and monitored in terms of your physical well-being. This is only for the benefit of you. If she did/does contact them, would they reach out to you?
Oh bless, I’ve have ECG’s before, so understand, they definitely can be. For this ECG, do you think there’s any strategies that could help you with this? When I have them, especially with my last one, I had to think of a happy place, to completely distract me from what’s going on in the present moment. I know this can be hard, and it’s easier said than done, but is there something similar like this, that you might find helpful? Try to remember, it’s a temporary moment that the ECG will last for.

Amazing! Well done for emailing her back, and for writing down notes! That’s ok, talk to her about them when you feel ready and comfortable. But most importantly, please keep yourself safe and try to talk to her about anything that becomes serious. If you do bring your notes, could you write some of those main things that you feel uncomfortable talking about, and just pass this onto her? Would you be open to the idea on passing on those notes at the end of the appointment, and say how you feel (I.e feeling uncomfortable talking about if etc) so she’s aware, just incase she’d like to talk to you later on about this? How would that feel?

Please only answer if you’re comfortable, and you’re doing so well!! Sending my very best to you, Lottie!!

In the past few days, I have been hallucinating again. This is a step back for me, but they're becoming more prominent in that the time span between the month(s) I hallucinate and the months I don't is getting shorter. The last I have recorded is somewhere around the middle of March. I will try and log significant occurrences so the dates of when I start and when I ends begins. Regardless, it seems the months in between my hallucinations are becoming shorter, which is a sign of regression or worsening of symptoms, in my opinion.

I've felt more depressed in the past few days, but my lack of motivation has improved now to where I am doing things. I found that making myself liable helps me to work. But I've been having a harder time focusing.

I digress. My hallucinations have been mostly visual as they always are, but there's been more auditory ones too. Most of them are not scary as of right now, but they're noticeable. They're like shadow whisps moving around. They're what I categorize as a 1-4, whereas a 5-7 is something that actually frightened me for a bit, and 8-10 are the ones that move towards me and that I freeze from. The auditory hallucinations have been less prevalent, but I sometimes hear adult male and female voices different from anyone I know and they usually speak in gibberish that I can't understand. I also hear footsteps, thuds, and other sounds of movement throughout the house.
I get paranoid and that's also been rising for me, too. I worry about everyone and their intentions. I wonder who is coming to harm me or worse. It often feels like I'm being targeted someway somehow by someone or a group of people. It often feels like there's cameras around my room or someone watching me on my computer, like the government or someone who wants to harm me.

I find it hard to discern reality from what's only in my mind since I feel disconnected. It's like I'm in a long nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from but I can't and I don't know if I ever will. It's like I'm trapped in this other world where they linger. I'm a traveler of sorts and I've seen other travelers. I don't know if it's just in my head or not. I don't have any justification that they exist, but I also don't have any proof that they don't. I can't tell what it is. It's a nightmare, it's a simulation, it's a punishment from God because I am dirty and unworthy.

I don't know. I can't tell. Is anything I say coherent?

About a month ago I tried to kms, long story short it failed and now I can’t get away from it. I don’t regret it at all, I just wish everyone would stop trying to tell me I’m okay and that it will all be fine. I’m feeling rlly numb and have no desire or will to do anything, just want to sleep… my sister (9) told me that she wished that I had succeeded in killing myself as I was a “useless waste of space”. I don’t know what to do, do I tell anyone, I don’t want to snitch but I’m really upset abt this and I’m struggling. Anyone have any advice?

Hi Rose!

I think you're asking such a valid question, because it can feel like these things do happen without rhyme or reason, and it sounds like you're having a lot of questions about your past and why these things have happened to you. But you were only a small child and you had no idea what was going on! It sounds like you were the victim of all of this, not the cause or someone who deserved it, but you still suffer the consequences of it and it sounds like that is extremely difficult for you, do you think this is all fair to say?

All of these things sound like you have suffered, and you are truly doing amazingly to still be going on despite all of this, and still being someone who wants to help out and create poetry and writings, art etc!

Could I ask what leads you to think that these things have something to do with you?

Thank you for opening up about all of this heaviness, I can imagine it could be draining to put all of this out there, and it doesn't matter how many posts you make about any of this - we want to hear about all of this!

Thank you @Leyla my whole life all I’ve ever heared in conversations it’s always been “there’s been a common denominator” so if there’s a common denominator with everything then I must be the common denominator in my past it’s the only things that makes all the shittiness add up