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Best Of
Re: It's national puzzle day! What's your favourite kind of puzzle?
It was so hard to choose just one ahah, I absolutely love sudoku though! The wordsearch and wordle puzzles are really fun as well, and I only like crosswords if I find them easy 
I recently tried a jigsaw puzzle after ages and it made me realise how much I missed doing them when I was a kid 
I recently tried a jigsaw puzzle after ages and it made me realise how much I missed doing them when I was a kid 
kaii
3
I find it hard going about my day.
Greetings, and welcome to another ramble session:
I feel like I'm the one person, even among my very large and strange friend group, that no one wants to talk to. There's even a teacher who has made it clear they dislike me(or at least make me feel that way). I know it's somewhat my fault, but I can't push myself to act like I'm happy anymore when I'm not. My mask finally broke. Go figure.
I dread going home, because when my parents do talk to me, it's mostly to insult me(I refer to this as getting their one daily insult in. Yesterday it was calling me a piece of trash. Today it'll probably be 'gay' although I have a girlfriend. It's like I can't please them at all.) or tell me to do something. I only speak when I have to. At one point it didn't bother me as much. Or maybe I got so good at pretending it didn't I convinced myself. But now each one is like it hits me directly.
At one point I thought things were going to get better at home, but it was a false hope. I was actually talking to my mom about how I was feeling, but then it fell apart after Christmas break and things are right back to being how they were before.
Another thing that has been getting me down is having to hear about politics(in the U.S.). My friend group is pretty split among the party line. It's not because I believe the situation is bad or whatever, it's just hearing the arguments in general.
I feel hopeless looking toward the future. I'd say my parents are looking forward to my graduation in less than two years as much as I do, because that's when I move out. But I have no idea what I'm going to do once I move out. I mean, yeah, go to College, woo hoo. But after that, I don't know. My friends suggest ideas of what we could do after graduation, but then go on to tell me, "Oh, it's not definite." I'm a planner, and it annoys me to death to hear that.
My parents have tried to convince me to go to the military, but mentally, even if I could physically(and I am far from the strongest person to walk in a room), I couldn't make it. They can say all they want that is just me holding myself back, but it's more than that, at least to me. I also just don't want to go to the military, period. My parents have pretty much told me and guided me towards a path that would lead to College, and I have no intention of veering now.
I have all these hopes and dreams, and it hurts to think that they won't become a reality, just because others don't think they're possible.
I've been putting off going to the school counselor for a while, but I guess I'll see her today during lunch and see how it goes.
I feel like I'm the one person, even among my very large and strange friend group, that no one wants to talk to. There's even a teacher who has made it clear they dislike me(or at least make me feel that way). I know it's somewhat my fault, but I can't push myself to act like I'm happy anymore when I'm not. My mask finally broke. Go figure.
I dread going home, because when my parents do talk to me, it's mostly to insult me(I refer to this as getting their one daily insult in. Yesterday it was calling me a piece of trash. Today it'll probably be 'gay' although I have a girlfriend. It's like I can't please them at all.) or tell me to do something. I only speak when I have to. At one point it didn't bother me as much. Or maybe I got so good at pretending it didn't I convinced myself. But now each one is like it hits me directly.
At one point I thought things were going to get better at home, but it was a false hope. I was actually talking to my mom about how I was feeling, but then it fell apart after Christmas break and things are right back to being how they were before.
Another thing that has been getting me down is having to hear about politics(in the U.S.). My friend group is pretty split among the party line. It's not because I believe the situation is bad or whatever, it's just hearing the arguments in general.
I feel hopeless looking toward the future. I'd say my parents are looking forward to my graduation in less than two years as much as I do, because that's when I move out. But I have no idea what I'm going to do once I move out. I mean, yeah, go to College, woo hoo. But after that, I don't know. My friends suggest ideas of what we could do after graduation, but then go on to tell me, "Oh, it's not definite." I'm a planner, and it annoys me to death to hear that.
My parents have tried to convince me to go to the military, but mentally, even if I could physically(and I am far from the strongest person to walk in a room), I couldn't make it. They can say all they want that is just me holding myself back, but it's more than that, at least to me. I also just don't want to go to the military, period. My parents have pretty much told me and guided me towards a path that would lead to College, and I have no intention of veering now.
I have all these hopes and dreams, and it hurts to think that they won't become a reality, just because others don't think they're possible.
I've been putting off going to the school counselor for a while, but I guess I'll see her today during lunch and see how it goes.
Re: i just would love a hug 💔 (potential trigger warning)
in case you needed on today: here's a hug
Re: locked inside myself
@Lottie5433 , thank you so much for letting us in like this. You described how it feels to be living inside this fortress in your mind, hiding every inch of your pain and burying it deep down. And I don't take it for granted at all that you're showing us behind the walls here, and taking a risk in opening up 
We hear you, and I'm listening.
I can really hear your dilemma right now - how on the one hand this fortress has been a vital part of keeping safe, of protecting yourself from the bitter dissapointment of people not properly listening or holding you. But then on the other hand, it also makes it hard to hope, hard to us others in. That makes so much sense, and I really felt it when you described vulnerability as feeling like an invasion sometimes. I hear how scary that might be, how it feels almost violating, to allow someone in beyond the walls and to run the risk of being hurt. That can be terrifying, yet at the same time, it also sounds so hard to have had to face the hardest year of your life on your own, without anyone else truly knowing you're in this much pain. That feels sad, @Lottie5433 , and I'm sending you the biggest hug.
May I ask, when you speak of not wanting to let others see the 'mess', what do you imagine might happen if they do? Are you referring to anyone in particular, e.g. a certain loved one, or maybe people in general?
I can hear you thinking about the different sources of support you have in your life and how best to take care of yourself going forwards, which is really beautiful. Esspecially you recognising what kinds of support might feel unhelpful or even dangerous (e.g. medicine). It feels like you're looking out for yourself here May I ask when your course of therapy is due to come to an end? I can imagine that feels daunting, and it's so valid to feel that way. Your therapist is absoutely there to talk about what ending feels like, and you'd be so within your right to share your fears. How much do they know of what things are like behind the fortress too?
You mentioned at the end of your message that there are moments you ask yourself 'why am I still here?' and I'm again, so thankful for your trust in sharing this. I can hear just how difficult things have gotten right now, to the point where a part of you longs for that time when you didn't exist, when you didn't have to feel this heavy. I hear you, @Lottie5433 , and just how much you're wanting some relief. Can I ask whether you're talking of feelings of suicide here? And if so, how you have been able to keep yourself safe when these thoughts come up? We're here to explore this with you, and again, thank you so much for opening up. You're not alone
We hear you, and I'm listening.I can really hear your dilemma right now - how on the one hand this fortress has been a vital part of keeping safe, of protecting yourself from the bitter dissapointment of people not properly listening or holding you. But then on the other hand, it also makes it hard to hope, hard to us others in. That makes so much sense, and I really felt it when you described vulnerability as feeling like an invasion sometimes. I hear how scary that might be, how it feels almost violating, to allow someone in beyond the walls and to run the risk of being hurt. That can be terrifying, yet at the same time, it also sounds so hard to have had to face the hardest year of your life on your own, without anyone else truly knowing you're in this much pain. That feels sad, @Lottie5433 , and I'm sending you the biggest hug.
May I ask, when you speak of not wanting to let others see the 'mess', what do you imagine might happen if they do? Are you referring to anyone in particular, e.g. a certain loved one, or maybe people in general?
I can hear you thinking about the different sources of support you have in your life and how best to take care of yourself going forwards, which is really beautiful. Esspecially you recognising what kinds of support might feel unhelpful or even dangerous (e.g. medicine). It feels like you're looking out for yourself here
May I ask when your course of therapy is due to come to an end? I can imagine that feels daunting, and it's so valid to feel that way. Your therapist is absoutely there to talk about what ending feels like, and you'd be so within your right to share your fears. How much do they know of what things are like behind the fortress too?You mentioned at the end of your message that there are moments you ask yourself 'why am I still here?' and I'm again, so thankful for your trust in sharing this. I can hear just how difficult things have gotten right now, to the point where a part of you longs for that time when you didn't exist, when you didn't have to feel this heavy. I hear you, @Lottie5433 , and just how much you're wanting some relief. Can I ask whether you're talking of feelings of suicide here? And if so, how you have been able to keep yourself safe when these thoughts come up? We're here to explore this with you, and again, thank you so much for opening up. You're not alone
Sian321
1
Re: (TW: SH) GP appointment: confused by it
Yeah I'm just going to wait and see with this appointment it might be nothing and I'm jsut stressing about nothing.
It is nice to have a break from appointments- no vampires taking my blood this week 🤣🤣.
Yeah @Invisible_me i have recently taken up supply TA work with an agency but the stress is coming from my normal job as i have a meeting with some person from like head office. Then my GM is making a separate meeting with me also for the following week so I'm stressing about all those.
How do you find the supply TA work - ive only done 2 shifts so far but going back next week for 2 more
It is nice to have a break from appointments- no vampires taking my blood this week 🤣🤣.
Yeah @Invisible_me i have recently taken up supply TA work with an agency but the stress is coming from my normal job as i have a meeting with some person from like head office. Then my GM is making a separate meeting with me also for the following week so I'm stressing about all those.
How do you find the supply TA work - ive only done 2 shifts so far but going back next week for 2 more
Re: (TW: SH) GP appointment: confused by it
Sorry for the late rely @Invisible_me but it means alot to me that your taking time to respond ❤️
Im taking it that I don't have another appointment yet as ive not had a call to book one hopefully it's just the one on Monday 🤞🏻. I have been preparing as much as I can by writing down things ive noticed in myself hopefully I can show/tell Dr D about it on Monday.
Im taking it that I don't have another appointment yet as ive not had a call to book one hopefully it's just the one on Monday 🤞🏻. I have been preparing as much as I can by writing down things ive noticed in myself hopefully I can show/tell Dr D about it on Monday.
im hoping this is the case as ive never actually cried at the GP so 🤞🏻 if I do they give me that time to collect myself before leaving the room.the GP prob won't let you out in floods of tears anyway (well mine wouldn't)
i get is all natural and like our bodies clearly do it for a reason but im scared if I do cry I won't stop - just wishing i don't cry in the room and can wait till I'm in my car on the way home.cryings is a natural response sometimes and your body just cries, calming down is also a natural response and in way your body naturally "temporarily calms down when ut needs to".
honestly it's like a weekly occurance that i have blood taken but thankfully haven't had any this week. Even the ED health Nurse that does my blood says she like a vampire because how much she's had to take mine in a short space of time 🤣No vampires taking blood 🤣🤣. When I saw the male doc first time and I wasn't saying anything he was like dknt look at this vampire and say what you need to lol he called himself a vampire.
im glad you enjoy TA worker if think I'd prefer long term co tracts but coz it and in-between job till the holiday site i work at opens up properly again. The last 2 shifts I've had have been in a primary school as a SEN 1:1 TA which has been rewarding but I'm also in a mindset that I don't want to go back tomorrow or next week but ive already agreed to them and need the cash - i think im only sont want to go because I get exhausted with my MH and then supporting a complex child too is draining anyway. But I do enjoy the work 💕So I've done TA 5 years or so.. but I prefer having long term contracts where I know what and when to expect supply is okay but I find uncertainty difficult.
autism / adhd
i have thought for many years that i might have autism. i’ve done so much research into it and genuinely can relate so much to a lot of it. around 5 months ago i met with youth workers from education authority for just a one of session - long story short, the outcome was they both suggested adhd specifically and requested that i get an educational needs psychology assessment and wrote a letter for my gp. it was then referred to the community mental health team (as that’s how adhd assessments etc are carried out in northern ireland) and they refused the referral claiming there was no evidence whatsoever, not that they even assessed me or as much as spoke to me about it / why i think i could possibly have autism or adhd (as i researched adhd quite a lot too after the youth workers suggested it, i had looked at it before but not too much). i then spoke to my psychologist about it and she then wanted to do autism, adhd & depression screeners. on the autism one she said anything over around 30 points they would consider a referral for assessment, i scored 44 i think she said so now she is referring me however it’s not guaranteed to be accepted then obviously there’s a longgggg wait list too, currently approx 5 years in northern ireland:/ in the depression screener i scored quite high too which i think is hilarious given community mental health team literally put on the letter “there was no evidence of clinical depression” whenever they actually had a LOT of evidence lol but its ok now, cmht are the most useless people ever i’ve found and im grateful they seen nothing at all wrong with me yet still somehow thought referring me to psychological therapies services was appropriate when i was ‘fine’ haha because now i genuinely do have the most amazing psychologist in the WORLD. today we done the adhd screener so she says she’ll total that up then we can discuss it further next session which is good.
i’m just not sure how i feel i guess? after spending years feeling so different and not being able to fit in and it going ignored and dismissed to now finally being taken seriously? it feels weird but im grateful.
i’m just not sure how i feel i guess? after spending years feeling so different and not being able to fit in and it going ignored and dismissed to now finally being taken seriously? it feels weird but im grateful.
appointment
i just had an appointment with the psychologist and i feel so bad. i struggle to communicate how i feel verbally and she has been nothing but understanding and accommodating of that, i genuinely mean that. she is the first person who i feel has really understood me and wanted to help etc. today i wasn’t feeling great. mid session she said “i don’t know what im doing wrong” - i feel SO bad because she’s genuinely been amazing, she isn’t doing anything wrong and it’s me that is the problem, not her, me. i just wanted to cry at that point because i feel awful for her feeling like she’s the one in the wrong when really it is me. she said about between now and next session she’s gonna think about how she can do better n stuff - feel awful because it’s not her that is the problem, it’s me.
Re: feeling silly - tw// self harm
thank you for your reply @sinead276 i really appreciate it a lot🩷
i know that she didn’t have bad intentions but i guess she could’ve just picked a better time to ask?
i know that she didn’t have bad intentions but i guess she could’ve just picked a better time to ask?