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Cutelivejazz wrote: »

Leyla wrote: »

[From @Cutelivejazz on the previous thread just before it closed]

@DonnerKebab I was really tired last night so I didnt get a chance to talk abt it. I feel invisible like people just dont notice my existence like I dont matter and I just kinda feel like a ghost basically drifting through life like Im either emotionally numb and cant feel anything or im feeling everything all at once. I hate feeling like no one ever notices me like im disposable or forgettable. Also Im pretty pissed at my friend and I was upset abt it and texted my bestie to tell her and she was like oh im so sorry that happened cba to explain what happend so ill just copy paste the text I sent her bc im lazy lol.

Basically she texted me saying we need to talk and when we were at the school gate she said I was too negative and that I was venting too much and if I really need someone to talk to that bad that I should talk to a therapist (i was telling her abt her friend and I was just whining abt one of the teachers its not like i was telling her all my trauma) and she also said are personalities aren't rly a good match cus I care abt school and she said she doesn't she's annoyed bc I dont mess around with her during study periods I actually study and idk it was just rly hurtful but im glad she told me tho. Sry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to change for anonymity purposes. I rly dont wanna go to school today I just wanna stay at home and sleep and curl up and cry and eat snacks but that unfortunately isn't an option bc I have to be a functioning human being yay. Im gonna fcking kms. But yeah im fine totally dont wanna punch a punching until my knuckles bleed (surprisingly cathartic). Im fine ive delt with worse and I know i have to be stubborn and get thru this bc I cant stop to rest but its fine. Can't wait until A levels are over so I can get out of this hell hole. So now during breaks lunches and study periods im alone and idk that might be a good thing and everyone keeps telling me it's an opportunity to focus on my work but what do I do when I need support who do I go to? My non existent friends? My bestie that cant rly do anything bc we rarely can see eachother? My teachers who dont understand? The pastoral staff who are alright but incompetent are kinda terrifying? Like what do I do? Everyone's like oh your not alone there are people you can talk to but there aren't. The country is in a mental health crisis mental health websites and companies are so overloaded and im just another weight and a another burden to the system. Sometimes i feel like just a number to them just another patient to talk to and get over with. I was asked if I wanted to do counselling and realised it was my old counsellor she was awful I hated it literally begged the school to let me stop it (bc it was in school counselling) but they kept forcing me to go into eventually wore them down and they let me stop the sessions which was fucking traumatic (idk if im allowed to say that was traumatising sorry if im not). I also keep getting told to stop constantly apologising cus it makes me seem weak. I cant help it tho like im the kind of person who flinches if anyone raises their voice so if I feel like someone's mad at me I get really really scared and keep apologising in the hope that maybe they'll get less mad and I genuinely cant explain the panic and fear I experience when I think someone's mad at me especially if im already overwhelmed. But im fine everything all perfect and amazing (im being sarcastic if you cant tell). Anway sorry fir the huge rant im just rapidly losing the fucking will to live.

This was me this morning at 8am having a meltdown. I had a chaotic day the morning I felt like shit. After physics I was a lot better i was rly cheery and happy and now ive had a bit of a slump again. Also I have to go to eat and I was wondering if you have time to talk later? Sorry I know im being a burden in just dont rly know who else i can go to.

Leyla wrote: »

[From @Cutelivejazz on the previous thread just before it closed]

@DonnerKebab I was really tired last night so I didnt get a chance to talk abt it. I feel invisible like people just dont notice my existence like I dont matter and I just kinda feel like a ghost basically drifting through life like Im either emotionally numb and cant feel anything or im feeling everything all at once. I hate feeling like no one ever notices me like im disposable or forgettable. Also Im pretty pissed at my friend and I was upset abt it and texted my bestie to tell her and she was like oh im so sorry that happened cba to explain what happend so ill just copy paste the text I sent her bc im lazy lol.

Basically she texted me saying we need to talk and when we were at the school gate she said I was too negative and that I was venting too much and if I really need someone to talk to that bad that I should talk to a therapist (i was telling her abt her friend and I was just whining abt one of the teachers its not like i was telling her all my trauma) and she also said are personalities aren't rly a good match cus I care abt school and she said she doesn't she's annoyed bc I dont mess around with her during study periods I actually study and idk it was just rly hurtful but im glad she told me tho. Sry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to change for anonymity purposes. I rly dont wanna go to school today I just wanna stay at home and sleep and curl up and cry and eat snacks but that unfortunately isn't an option bc I have to be a functioning human being yay. Im gonna fcking kms. But yeah im fine totally dont wanna punch a punching until my knuckles bleed (surprisingly cathartic). Im fine ive delt with worse and I know i have to be stubborn and get thru this bc I cant stop to rest but its fine. Can't wait until A levels are over so I can get out of this hell hole. So now during breaks lunches and study periods im alone and idk that might be a good thing and everyone keeps telling me it's an opportunity to focus on my work but what do I do when I need support who do I go to? My non existent friends? My bestie that cant rly do anything bc we rarely can see eachother? My teachers who dont understand? The pastoral staff who are alright but incompetent are kinda terrifying? Like what do I do? Everyone's like oh your not alone there are people you can talk to but there aren't. The country is in a mental health crisis mental health websites and companies are so overloaded and im just another weight and a another burden to the system. Sometimes i feel like just a number to them just another patient to talk to and get over with. I was asked if I wanted to do counselling and realised it was my old counsellor she was awful I hated it literally begged the school to let me stop it (bc it was in school counselling) but they kept forcing me to go into eventually wore them down and they let me stop the sessions which was fucking traumatic (idk if im allowed to say that was traumatising sorry if im not). I also keep getting told to stop constantly apologising cus it makes me seem weak. I cant help it tho like im the kind of person who flinches if anyone raises their voice so if I feel like someone's mad at me I get really really scared and keep apologising in the hope that maybe they'll get less mad and I genuinely cant explain the panic and fear I experience when I think someone's mad at me especially if im already overwhelmed. But im fine everything all perfect and amazing (im being sarcastic if you cant tell). Anway sorry fir the huge rant im just rapidly losing the fucking will to live.

Cutelivejazz wrote: »

@DonnerKebab thanks im just scared that your going to get fed up for me im just waiting for the your too much talk happens all the time all people eventually abandon you

Cutelivejazz wrote: »

@DonnerKebab im really sorry I didnt know.

Cutelivejazz wrote: »

@DonnerKebab im really sorry if im being a burden. I just wanted to check tho are you upset with me?