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I woke up feeling really poorly but still had to go to college, it’s already caused me to go mute so that’s just fucking great

I've been hallucinating again. At least, I've become aware of them again. Some of my hallucinations aren't as scary as others, which makes them hard for me to notice. But when it gets bad, I feel like I can't function. I don't want it to get worse over time again where I'm constantly terrified.

I'm seeing things outside windows and doors lately, like they're watching me. These "things" resemble humans except with abstract and abnormal features. Majority of them watch me. I don't know what they want from me. I've also been hearing voices and sounds again. The voices are usually adults that speak in incoherent gibberish.

I don't want it to get worse because then I become paranoid. It spirals into a tight box that I get stuck in and I end up terrified of everything and everyone. I wonder, sometimes, if this is all a dream and if I'll ever wake up from it.

My anxiety has been higher, too. I often believe someone is trying to sabotage me or someone is fooling me / impersonating someone I know. Or maybe two people I know are actually the same person. I get to times where I feel like people are waiting on my downfall and are watching me until then. My thoughts tend to become extreme for what people are "trying to do to me." Such as, poisoning my food, water, putting cameras on me to watch me. Even if someone compliments me, I begin to think about what they want. Maybe they're trying to gain my trust to lure me- that is one of my first thoughts. I guess I'm just paranoid.

I can also kind of agree with this right now because the job market has been awful and super terrible right now especially for younger folk too who are trying to get into employment. I am having the same issues alongside getting rejections from places (There's a certain part of me that feels because I tick the neurodiverse and got a disability box because I have got one, companies freak out and panic because they have to do something so little that could benefit me but they wont and thats why I dont get hired). I did a seasonal job at Whsmiths over Christmas and recently they advertised for a sales assistant in the one in my town. So I apply for it but they then come back saying I didn't get the job because I didn't have the right experience for it yet I actually worked there as a seasonal assistant. It's mad to be fair. I think for me what annoys me is when they mention about offering free training yet when you ask for it they dont provide it at all. Like how on earth are young people going to get experience if your not going to let them. Its the same for traineeships too in some places, they say they are disability confident but when they have people apply with disabilities they get turned down.

At the moment, the thing I am trying to do is basically find voluntary positions in places which sadly means not getting paid but however I tend to think of it as you get paid with experience to put on the good CV for future references and job applications. I might be volunteering with my local library and potentially with a gaming club I used to attend as the person who runs mentioned about learning how to make board games and tabletop games and I may be able to volunteer there for now.

Im a bit late so apologies for that and Im so sorry to hear this @Lili5Bet we're all here for you through this no matter what we've got you and you always know where I am. Big hugs ❤️