Best Of

Thank you @DonnerKebab i really appreciate it hugs 🤗

@River I'm really sorry i've been slow with a reply to this. Thank you so much for venting how it is you truly feel. It really is a brave thing to do.

First things first, you never failed at being a daughter. Your shit for brains mom and dad failed at being parents. Like my uncle failed at being an uncle when he sold me. Nobody at that age is responsible for the actions and failures of their parents. You did not fail at being a daughter at all. Who looks at a baby and thinks this isn't lovable. A monster. Nothing you did caused your parents to be scum. You did not fail at being a sibling either. The splitting up into foster care was not your doing or your fault, it was the systems. You can do everything right and still end up failed by the world.

Second of all, River, meeting you and you being the first friend of my life mattered so much to me, and i am so lucky to consider you my friend. You are good enough, the world is just shit, and people who are good enough are failed all the time. It doesn't mean your not good enough, it means the world and the system are a fucking disgrace.

Third of all, that silence. That's not just silence river, that sounds like exhaustion. Emotional numbness. And that is perhaps why it's so hard to understand how you feel sometimes.

Fourth, No baby is born that deserves to be unwanted. Not a single one. Every single one deserves to be loved and cared for. You included. It was just a cruel cold world, and it took so much away and never gave you what you deserve. You deserve more, a loving family, friends, and support, nothing changes that.

Fifth, NEVER apologise for any of that. You are enough, meeting you and calling you my friend has meant so much to me, and i'd be in a worse place if i hadn't met you, so there's one bit of proof that you are wrong about you being those things.

Six, you are not the problem. You don't deserve any of the shit you've suffered through, you deserve care and love, and that is a fact. And one day, you'll find it.

River, i know you are tired, and you are lost, and it is perfectly valid to feel that. And i know that you long for a loving family, and loyal friends and to be loved. And i know that at this point, words might not make any difference, but you deserve all these things you long for. You are not destined to be alone in this cold dark world. You are not poison and there is ZERO things wrong with being a bit weird. Who wants to be normal in this shit world right? And there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. You are not a villain, you are not a bad person, you are a kind hearted person despite all of this, and that is what is special about you.

You never deserved a damn thing that happened to you. A puppy in an animal shelter that gets treated cruelly at every turn, at every home, at every place, that puppy doesn't deserve a damn moment of it, and neither do you. You are no disappointment, and there is always a chance you will find that happiness in future River. You will find safety and you will find a loving family. You just have to survive until that. The hopelessness is perfectly valid. You did not fail at anything, the world failed you.

"Everyone gave up on me once i became to hard to understand, i put my trust in people too easily and then they leave they always do, all it does is shatter my heart a thousand times over" - That is there failings not yours.

"I’m okay with accepting that ill never be happy, healthy and safe, im okay with it…im okay….i am…i swear…" - You shouldn't have to be

"Who am i, once i turned 11 i changed as a person, i dont recognise the little toddler i once was" - That part of you still exists deep down, just buried i think. There's a psychology term for it, "inner child subconscious mind". It exists, just buried from years of trauma.

I'm so sorry your battling all of this, and i understand you being so tired and exhausted, and in emotional pain. I know nothing i say can make it better from personal experience but please listen to some of this. You are an amazing person, who's been through and is still going through hell. And i don't know for how long, but i do know there's still hope of change. I wish i could say something to make things better. Please be kind to yourself. And this will sound like useless advice but survival for me, was finding small moment of enjoyment out of the small stuff, rather than the big picture. A few moments doing a hobby, a few moments here and there. I relied on that. i know it's useless advice, but it's all i can say from my own experience, until things slowly started to improve. Sending a massive virtual hug friend, and i'm sorry i was so late replying.

RainbowPenguin wrote: »

Ugh… I thought I’d be doing better this time around, now that I’m off SSRIs (or is it just hotter this year?) but something about being in this heat just makes me feel utterly bleurgh. I’m spending a lot of time in this one room in our house that’s very shaded and beautifully cool, but my own (small, sun-facing room) is a freaking oven. even with the curtains drawn for shade, it heats up and stays hot - well into the night too, so even with the windows open I need to take an ice pack to bed with me.

On a more serious note, between the sleep problems and the heat while awake, I’ve had a really bad week at work and made like a succession of dumb mistakes (plus I couldn’t go into the office because I’d have to wake super early and couldn’t get to sleep on time). My colleague was really nice about it but I’m scared of what my boss has been thinking and I have this anxiety lurking that at best he’ll want a Discussion when I go in on Monday, and at worst I’ll get fired. I don’t even really like this job but I don’t want to lose it in that way!

No your not the only one! I'm struggling as well. It's making things hard- clothes, sensory sleeping (I'm scared to open windows, got no fan so not fun). I'm tired ans this makes getting up hard. Ive however managed to stay okay despite.

I hear your worries I don't think just not going in 1 week is enough to fire you- yiu bern working from hone? They mat want to have a chat with you amd just be honest

@Redemption i know this might not make a huge difference, and i might have mentioned it before, but this is my cousins story. He was just a labourer on a bricklaying site. no qualifications besides the basics. And what he did, is he moved to germany at 25 to start a new life, and he learnt the language, and worked as one there, getting paid more. Then he met a girl on holiday there, ended up marrying her, and moved to the US around when he turned 30 (american girls love british Accents). he started a family, worked as a prison officer over there in a new career (no qualifications besides the basics), and made a lot. Then he divorced his wife at around 45ish, and started a new career as an apprentice on an oil rig. He went on to make 200K a year after he was fully trained up.

my point is, he didn't start until he was 25, then he started again at 30, then again at 45, and now he's rich. It's never to late in the journey to make it Redemption. It's human to compare yourself to others, and as much as i preach only compare yourself to your former self, i know full well it's human nature to compare to others. It's scary, and it's hard. And i was the same in school. grew up in poverty, so it was very rough. I still remember in year 2, the teacher asked us to stand up one by one, and say what we got for Christmas, and everybody was getting consoles, and devices, so i bullshitted and said i got a laptop, when really, I got a £20 gift card 😂. It's human to compare yourself.

And by the way Redemption, despite what society says, there's no shame in being a virgin. I'm one. I'm saving it for somebody special to make any relationship i end up having more significant. And it's scary not being able to get a job, but you aren't alone in that. There's only so much you can do in this job market. Still living at home, so are most people our age, the housing market is screwed to. The social contract as it's called has so thoroughly screwed the our generation, the younger generation, and has crippled us. We grew up through austerity, our education in school defunded, our communities defunded, our education costs for higher education, increased in some cases by 8 times, they took the golden years of our lives of us with lockdown, and they left us with a job market that A - Is brutal, far more than it ever was before, and B -A housing market that makes home ownership far harder than ever before and makes moving out virtually impossible, and C - Screwed the economy to the point that salaries have not grown in real terms for 20 years straight, leaving us unable to keep up with living costs. Everything that could be done to screw the younger generation has been done, and now the roosters coming home to nest. Huge rises in youth unemployment, huge numbers just checking out, the government are heading towards financial collapse, and they don't have a choice but to step in, address it, make change and invest in our generation, for there own sakes.

I know it's scary redemption, but you are young. If a news report, reported anybody below 30 as dying, you'd think god, that's so young. Heck, below 50 you'd think that it's no age at all to go. you have time, and it's never too late to make a breakthrough in anything and finally manage to start. As i said, my american cousin started again at 45. Astonishing stuff.