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Best Of
Re: I don't have gcses
I'm not sure if this helps @TheNightmare, but I spent three years at college, failed all my subjects every year, and left with nothing to show for it. I had some GCSEs but that was it.
Then when I did start my career, it was in something completely different to the things I did well at in GCSE. I kind of stumbled into it to be honest, starting with volunteering, which led to an internship, then eventually paid work. It was fairly slow going but the path there kind of revealed itself to me as I moved through it - it wasn't something I planned.
When I was in college and when I dropped out after my third year, I honeslty thought I'd spend the rest of my life in catering or customer service. Up to that point I'd worked in a fish and chip shop for about 5 years, and I figured I'd just be stuck there. But slowly but surely, things changed for me.
The same can happen for you too. Opportunities will find you if given enough time, and if you persue the things you enjoy and that you're good at. I know it can be tough because when you're a bit younger it feels like the walls are closing in and there's so much pressure to have a plan, to have a career, and to sort this stuff out (I had a super hard time with that too). But something I've really learned is that a lot of this stuff is luck and time and waiting to see what happens. You're a smart guy and you clearly have a lot of determination to get the job you want, and that counts for a LOT.
Then when I did start my career, it was in something completely different to the things I did well at in GCSE. I kind of stumbled into it to be honest, starting with volunteering, which led to an internship, then eventually paid work. It was fairly slow going but the path there kind of revealed itself to me as I moved through it - it wasn't something I planned.
When I was in college and when I dropped out after my third year, I honeslty thought I'd spend the rest of my life in catering or customer service. Up to that point I'd worked in a fish and chip shop for about 5 years, and I figured I'd just be stuck there. But slowly but surely, things changed for me.
The same can happen for you too. Opportunities will find you if given enough time, and if you persue the things you enjoy and that you're good at. I know it can be tough because when you're a bit younger it feels like the walls are closing in and there's so much pressure to have a plan, to have a career, and to sort this stuff out (I had a super hard time with that too). But something I've really learned is that a lot of this stuff is luck and time and waiting to see what happens. You're a smart guy and you clearly have a lot of determination to get the job you want, and that counts for a LOT.
JustV
3
Re: I don't have gcses
Our arrangement is hybrid (mostly remote working with some in-office) but there are quite a few types of jobs in this sector that are fully remote, it depends a bit on the role
Sounds decent mate, maybe one day I could work for the mix lol.
Re: Struggling
Didnt wanna make a new post so just adding here.
It's just hard. I'm struggling to even sleep at night because of everything I'm going through. I want to shut everyone out. I want to distance myself and let myself fade away. I don't want to have to live like this. I'm laying here, it's 1 in the morning and I still haven't managed to sleep, I'm so defeated by everything yet I can't control any of it.
It takes everything out of me to get out the house and I hate it. I want to be able to go out with friends without having to have a whole week in bed to try and build myself back up. I want to be able to go out even just for a surf more than I am but I can't. I'm losing every motivation. Surfing was an escape for me but I've not asked to go since i went on Saturday and probably won't be able to until next Wednesday.
I'm spending the weekend at a friend's house Friday- Sunday as well as meeting up with other friends on the Saturday for Pride day and I really am so so excited but it's going to be so hard to mask everything as well. What if they notice how much I've gone downhill? What if I'm not able to be how I usually am around them?
Even my eating is playing up again, I don't wanna tell my friends though because only a couple know and also I feel ashamed for the progress I've lost. I'll want to live in baggy oversized clothes to hide myself but I can't because it'll be too hot. I'll want to hide my scars woth a long sleeved top but I can't because it's too hot. I'll want to try and hide it all because I just feel so ugly because of it but I can't. I don't like being ashamed especially because I went so long actually feeling unbothered by my scars. But some began to fade making me feel invalid but some began to feel like they stood out which makes me so self conscious and ashamed.
My dad is even struggling with money at the moment and I feel I'm making it worse. He tells me he owes me money for my birthday as he doesn't get gifts and buys me money so I asked to spend some of it but he had to ask me to wait till he's got a bit more money. I want to tell him not to worry about the money and I can do without but ik part of him deep down wont want to do that and I'm also in need of some things which I'd use that money for. I just feel like a problem because the money he owes me could just be money he uses for bills or for food.
All i crave is also a parent. A parent who cares. A parent who will sit and hug me and let me cry into them. A parent who'd let me not be okay for a second. Someone I didn't have to be strong for. Someone I wasn't scared to disappoint. Someone I could tell how much I don't want to be here daily yet have to be for others. Someone I could tell how much I really am struggling.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want a break but won't get one. I want a hug. A hug where they won't let go. A hug which makes me feel okay. Even just for a moment.
It's just hard. I'm struggling to even sleep at night because of everything I'm going through. I want to shut everyone out. I want to distance myself and let myself fade away. I don't want to have to live like this. I'm laying here, it's 1 in the morning and I still haven't managed to sleep, I'm so defeated by everything yet I can't control any of it.
It takes everything out of me to get out the house and I hate it. I want to be able to go out with friends without having to have a whole week in bed to try and build myself back up. I want to be able to go out even just for a surf more than I am but I can't. I'm losing every motivation. Surfing was an escape for me but I've not asked to go since i went on Saturday and probably won't be able to until next Wednesday.
I'm spending the weekend at a friend's house Friday- Sunday as well as meeting up with other friends on the Saturday for Pride day and I really am so so excited but it's going to be so hard to mask everything as well. What if they notice how much I've gone downhill? What if I'm not able to be how I usually am around them?
Even my eating is playing up again, I don't wanna tell my friends though because only a couple know and also I feel ashamed for the progress I've lost. I'll want to live in baggy oversized clothes to hide myself but I can't because it'll be too hot. I'll want to hide my scars woth a long sleeved top but I can't because it's too hot. I'll want to try and hide it all because I just feel so ugly because of it but I can't. I don't like being ashamed especially because I went so long actually feeling unbothered by my scars. But some began to fade making me feel invalid but some began to feel like they stood out which makes me so self conscious and ashamed.
My dad is even struggling with money at the moment and I feel I'm making it worse. He tells me he owes me money for my birthday as he doesn't get gifts and buys me money so I asked to spend some of it but he had to ask me to wait till he's got a bit more money. I want to tell him not to worry about the money and I can do without but ik part of him deep down wont want to do that and I'm also in need of some things which I'd use that money for. I just feel like a problem because the money he owes me could just be money he uses for bills or for food.
All i crave is also a parent. A parent who cares. A parent who will sit and hug me and let me cry into them. A parent who'd let me not be okay for a second. Someone I didn't have to be strong for. Someone I wasn't scared to disappoint. Someone I could tell how much I don't want to be here daily yet have to be for others. Someone I could tell how much I really am struggling.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want a break but won't get one. I want a hug. A hug where they won't let go. A hug which makes me feel okay. Even just for a moment.
Chloe234
3
Re: Struggling
Thanks for the reply @ella
It's just so draining and the lead up is just so stressful because it's kinda everything the past 5 years have been for.
(Also thankyou aha I felt it was about time for me to draw up something new as I had a duck before but it was only teeny)
Yeah okay, and I don't know in all honesty. I'm just scared because it's already proving hard enough trying to survive summer and get through with my downfall mentally and I feel like if I don't do well or get the grades I need then I'm gonna become really bad. A pre/post results day chat could be helpful.Maybe we can brainstorm some ways to manage that anxiety in the coming weeks? Is there anything The Mix can do running up to results day to support you? We were considering running a pre and post results day chat.
It's just so draining and the lead up is just so stressful because it's kinda everything the past 5 years have been for.
(Also thankyou aha I felt it was about time for me to draw up something new as I had a duck before but it was only teeny)
Chloe234
3
Struggling
I just cant get rid of the feeling of hopelessness. Im just stuck in a mindset where my life is gonna be funneled in a certain way which is always going to turn to shit and that no matter how hard i try im not going to have a future. Im just gonna be stuck how I am today. Struggling everyday, barely getting out of bed and suicidal.
I dont feel im ever going to feel better about anything ive been through. If anything im getting worse. I keep having these horrible really strong memories about things ive been through and its so hard to cope with. I feel like not only the past trauma but there's gonna be so much more of it and my life will be stuck this way.
I also hate how its changed me as a person. Not only to others but also just in general and with my thinking. Im just so much more untrusting of others and hold back a lot because all im thinking about when talking to people is "when are they gonna drop me and leave" "will what i say cause more problems, is it better to shut people out" or "what if they tell someone else" and i hate it because even with my best friends i do this. It makes me feel like such a horrid person.
I also hate how i cant do something like go for a walk alone without being really scared that im being follllowed or someones going to take advantage of me or even in fear im going to bump into someone whos hurt me in my past even though its unlikely. Or even just something tiny like staying home alone im so paranoid. Every little sound i get scared and its so awful to put up with.
It feels like im just going to keep losing people too. I lost my stepmom, my nan, our cats, a couple friends, my aunt. It just feels like after we loose someone its an instant "Whos next" and i hate it. Even the smallest thing wrong with someone and i start panicking that theyre going to pass. Even if its something as small as my dad having a chest infection or even nora (my dog) waking me up in slight discomfort in the night. Its so exhausting because it feels like im on high alert for everthing..
Im even stressing about results day in august for my GCSEs. I downfell mentally massively while doing my gcses and i know that it 100% affected how i did in my exams. Im just so so scared because i want to do a T-Level in Early years Education and Childcare and assisting teaching but to get into the course i have to pass my maths and english and get 3 other GCSEs at 4 or above. results day is August 22nd but Ive got such bad anxiety about it already. I hate having to sit and wait. I know i can get the 3 other gcses and my maths but when doing my English exams i did so much worse than usual so i really dont know if i can scrape a 4 with it. If i dont i cant do my course though because theres no time for me to retake english as the course is full on. Id have to probably stay at my school and do sixth form and do health and social care as well as 2 other courses i wont wanna do just to try stay on track.
Everything is just building up and creating a tower what can fall anyday and i hate it. Even that is just a percentage of everything on my mind. I just feel so hopeless
I dont feel im ever going to feel better about anything ive been through. If anything im getting worse. I keep having these horrible really strong memories about things ive been through and its so hard to cope with. I feel like not only the past trauma but there's gonna be so much more of it and my life will be stuck this way.
I also hate how its changed me as a person. Not only to others but also just in general and with my thinking. Im just so much more untrusting of others and hold back a lot because all im thinking about when talking to people is "when are they gonna drop me and leave" "will what i say cause more problems, is it better to shut people out" or "what if they tell someone else" and i hate it because even with my best friends i do this. It makes me feel like such a horrid person.
I also hate how i cant do something like go for a walk alone without being really scared that im being follllowed or someones going to take advantage of me or even in fear im going to bump into someone whos hurt me in my past even though its unlikely. Or even just something tiny like staying home alone im so paranoid. Every little sound i get scared and its so awful to put up with.
It feels like im just going to keep losing people too. I lost my stepmom, my nan, our cats, a couple friends, my aunt. It just feels like after we loose someone its an instant "Whos next" and i hate it. Even the smallest thing wrong with someone and i start panicking that theyre going to pass. Even if its something as small as my dad having a chest infection or even nora (my dog) waking me up in slight discomfort in the night. Its so exhausting because it feels like im on high alert for everthing..
Im even stressing about results day in august for my GCSEs. I downfell mentally massively while doing my gcses and i know that it 100% affected how i did in my exams. Im just so so scared because i want to do a T-Level in Early years Education and Childcare and assisting teaching but to get into the course i have to pass my maths and english and get 3 other GCSEs at 4 or above. results day is August 22nd but Ive got such bad anxiety about it already. I hate having to sit and wait. I know i can get the 3 other gcses and my maths but when doing my English exams i did so much worse than usual so i really dont know if i can scrape a 4 with it. If i dont i cant do my course though because theres no time for me to retake english as the course is full on. Id have to probably stay at my school and do sixth form and do health and social care as well as 2 other courses i wont wanna do just to try stay on track.
Everything is just building up and creating a tower what can fall anyday and i hate it. Even that is just a percentage of everything on my mind. I just feel so hopeless
Chloe234
3
Re: Lonely
I think I talked a bit about this before but I really feel the need to vent about it again.
Welp. That no longer applies, I didnt even get to talking about that part...
Lonely
I think I talked a bit about this before but I really feel the need to vent about it again. Warning: Its long... as usual.
Today I've been out the house for quite some time; I had CBT in the morning, and then had to travel to uni for a welfare meeting, to get there I had to take the bus and also have a 30 minute walk (both ways). Its not something I do often, nor something I've done for a long time now. I'm currently very much stuck at home for many reasons.
It felt very different today, I wasnt as anxious as I always was, it was generally a very positive journey. However, there was a gloomy depressing feeling that kept creeping up on me the entire time...
During the trip I felt very peaceful, content, I was looking at all the people around me minding their own business, living their own life in parallel to mine, existing together. It felt nice, and I felt part of it like I never did before. I even took off my headphones for most of the journey and tried to take everything in, which is not something I've done in a very long time! Two people even asked me for directions all of a sudden!
Almost a year ago I went to this one random society meeting (which I never went to before), and I felt so anxious and out of place, but I got to talk a little with someone who was new there and also seemed a bit lost. It was nice, but that was it, I never went again, and I didn't think too much of it since.
Today, when walking back from uni, this same guy was cycling on the other side of the road in the direction I was heading, he turned around and nodded to me with such a sincere, beaming smile you dont see often! It took me by surprise but I still smiled and nodded back. It was such a lovely, pleasant (even if small) interaction that really made my day. It felt like a scene you'd only get in movies, and so it took me a while to process it.
He remembered me, how?? It been so long and I remember being super shy and not that talkative. Yet after all this time he recognised me and then decided to gesture in such a nice and welcome way!
And what made this situation ever more poetic, is the fact this was probably one of the very last times I will ever be walking back from this university... :')
For once, I felt a little bit part of this massive world and the community I live in, it really felt nice. But also, it made me feel really depressed... like I always do after going out in public
Its like I'm being shown this community that I 'could' be part of, a world that I'm 'missing out' on... its just so sad to cope with, all I feel like doing is withdrawing into my house even more not to see any of it.
Its like the world is trying to show me, like with the guy, "Look. Nice and friendly people exist. But you missed out on all of it. And now you're coming home from uni for the final time, alone..."
In a way, my existence feels like I'm living on the moon, alone. And I will occasionally take (draining) trips to earth just to take a look at what the world looks like here, before going back and wishing my world could be like that too.
The trip today lasted 2 hours, yet to me it felt like a week!
There was so much more I wanted to talk about (including things discussed during CBT), but looking at how long this post already is, I think its best saved for later or a different post entirely.
Sorry idk how anyone might reply to this, it feels like something you'd read just to make you feel sad but it made me feel so much better getting it all out.
Seriously, thank you so much for reading Take care
Today I've been out the house for quite some time; I had CBT in the morning, and then had to travel to uni for a welfare meeting, to get there I had to take the bus and also have a 30 minute walk (both ways). Its not something I do often, nor something I've done for a long time now. I'm currently very much stuck at home for many reasons.
It felt very different today, I wasnt as anxious as I always was, it was generally a very positive journey. However, there was a gloomy depressing feeling that kept creeping up on me the entire time...
During the trip I felt very peaceful, content, I was looking at all the people around me minding their own business, living their own life in parallel to mine, existing together. It felt nice, and I felt part of it like I never did before. I even took off my headphones for most of the journey and tried to take everything in, which is not something I've done in a very long time! Two people even asked me for directions all of a sudden!
Almost a year ago I went to this one random society meeting (which I never went to before), and I felt so anxious and out of place, but I got to talk a little with someone who was new there and also seemed a bit lost. It was nice, but that was it, I never went again, and I didn't think too much of it since.
Today, when walking back from uni, this same guy was cycling on the other side of the road in the direction I was heading, he turned around and nodded to me with such a sincere, beaming smile you dont see often! It took me by surprise but I still smiled and nodded back. It was such a lovely, pleasant (even if small) interaction that really made my day. It felt like a scene you'd only get in movies, and so it took me a while to process it.
He remembered me, how?? It been so long and I remember being super shy and not that talkative. Yet after all this time he recognised me and then decided to gesture in such a nice and welcome way!
And what made this situation ever more poetic, is the fact this was probably one of the very last times I will ever be walking back from this university... :')
For once, I felt a little bit part of this massive world and the community I live in, it really felt nice. But also, it made me feel really depressed... like I always do after going out in public
Its like I'm being shown this community that I 'could' be part of, a world that I'm 'missing out' on... its just so sad to cope with, all I feel like doing is withdrawing into my house even more not to see any of it.
Its like the world is trying to show me, like with the guy, "Look. Nice and friendly people exist. But you missed out on all of it. And now you're coming home from uni for the final time, alone..."
In a way, my existence feels like I'm living on the moon, alone. And I will occasionally take (draining) trips to earth just to take a look at what the world looks like here, before going back and wishing my world could be like that too.
The trip today lasted 2 hours, yet to me it felt like a week!
There was so much more I wanted to talk about (including things discussed during CBT), but looking at how long this post already is, I think its best saved for later or a different post entirely.
Sorry idk how anyone might reply to this, it feels like something you'd read just to make you feel sad but it made me feel so much better getting it all out.
Seriously, thank you so much for reading Take care
Major trigger warning and very long post 😭
lots of trigger warnings 😳 sorry!
My whole world is falling apart and it's happening so quickly. I cant cope and yesterday I was non stop crying to the point I gave myself a rash on my face and red eyes I thought after what happened my guardian would see I was struggling yet her and my family just think im attention seeking. When are they gonna see that im just a teen with a shitty past who is trying there best. Im just a disappointment and never good enough. Im not seen as a human irl 😕 it hurts so much. I feel like im battling just for my family to notice and understand me.
My whole life ive been unlovable and unwanted and that can't be denied because no one has ever wanted me, my own birthparents didn't want me and clearly my family don't now. I just want to be loved but when will that ever happen. People expect me to be completely different to how I am now so I'm so sorry that who I am now isn't good enough. Im not the perfect child, I never was and I never will be. I wish, I fucking wish people would see that everything that has happened to me has caused me to be who I am today.
■ All the abuse from my birthparents...
■ All the bullying from year 2 - year 11...
■ All the online bullying that happened the past 4 years...
■ All the learning issues i have...
■ All the medical issues...
■ finding the articles online last year...
■ finding out about my dad last year...
■ Getting the blame for my sisters problems...
■ All the people I lost too suicide
All that broke me, its all fucking broke me. Learning about my past tore my heart to peices and then having to keep secrets about it from my siblings whilst trying to support her with her questions.
Bullying and violence
The endless bullying from schools made me hate myself so much. Year 10 and year 11 were the worst years of my life, going from being called names and being sent threats to being beaten up by someone and just sitting there and letting her attack me because I felt like I fucking deserved it then being screamed at by your family for not fighting back. I was too scared to go to school for weeks and when I did go I had panic attacks in the bathrooms. She got a 3 day suspension and my year leader blamed the whole situation on me. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good.
Teachers
The teachers weren't much better, I had the same English teacher for 2 years and she was horrible to me. My english teacher would call me a disappointment and would write it in my books. When something wasnt neat she would use the black marker and draw an x on it and make me restart. She did that at book inspection too, I had to write out my whole book into a new book 😕 I became a perfectionist. I'd waste 10+ sheets of paper and cry so much if something wasn't neat because I was scared of my english teacher. I had her 3 hours a week and she would sit me right at the front of class and pick on me ☹️ The worst part is she was also my year leader 💔 made everything so much worse. She would have a go at me for the pettiest of things. I'll never forget the time she called me stupid and gave me a 107 page booklet to do over the weekends. Even when I attempted she had ago at me for not keeping up with class work when it as out of school for 2 months. Then when I didnt tell her why I was gone for 2 months she gave me a behavior point ☹️ When she found out she still didn't care, she bullied me more for it.
Then my math teacher was bad too, It was the start of year 10 and we had parents evening. She told me that if I didn't understand math now then I never would. I was a grade 3 at that time so yeh I was failing math but she also was failing me. I completely gave up with math after that. I stopped doing homework and would skip class and even if I did go I'd just sit there and do nothing cos id just given up. I went on to getting a grade 1 in math which is worse but oh well It didn't matter.
Bullying 2
I only enjoyed 2 of my classes but one class was just 2 people arguing constantly and the second class I was being bullied in. Dance was my way of putting my feelings out and drama was my way of escaping the pain. We had a dance exam once and I was in a trio. A and C would just argue non stop and 5 minutes before the exam A said she wouldnt go on stage if we didn't change the dance so we had to change it. She made me do a front flip, id never done wone before and there was no time to practice, when we was on stage I went to do it and fell, I broke my foot and caused long term damage to my knee. It put me out of dance for life. I lost a part of me and one of the only aspects of school that I liked.
TW// eating disorder and body shaming
I was in a "friend group" there was 7 of us and I never really fit in but I guess the group didn't like me. They would make make comments about what I ate which id always been a picky eater before but it got worse, id stop eating and throw my lunch away. We had these thing called parent pays and the parents could see what u bought so I'd have to buy smth so nothing was sus. But I'd throw it away or keep it in my bag and eat it at home until there started to be effects of them and it was becoming medically noticeable so I started being monitored at lunch and break, id have to eat lunch with a teacher and have. Snack at every break. So I began to hide or id skip school just so I didn't have to eat.
Learning difficulties
I've always struggled with learning, id write my numbers backwards and sometimes still do. I have irlen syndrome to (a visual perception or eye problems – caused by the way in which the brain interprets the visual information that is being sent through the eyes.) which only got diagnosed this year but it explained all my learning issues. So I learn differently to other people, very differently. I need things explaining as if you were talking to a toddler, im learning but its been hard adjusting which is why sometimes I ask the stupidest of questions. I cant take information in fast or very well as it takes so so long to process.
Oh shit this is so long 💀 maybe I'll do a part 2 or spare yall the rest. Sorry if you read to the end 😳
My whole world is falling apart and it's happening so quickly. I cant cope and yesterday I was non stop crying to the point I gave myself a rash on my face and red eyes I thought after what happened my guardian would see I was struggling yet her and my family just think im attention seeking. When are they gonna see that im just a teen with a shitty past who is trying there best. Im just a disappointment and never good enough. Im not seen as a human irl 😕 it hurts so much. I feel like im battling just for my family to notice and understand me.
My whole life ive been unlovable and unwanted and that can't be denied because no one has ever wanted me, my own birthparents didn't want me and clearly my family don't now. I just want to be loved but when will that ever happen. People expect me to be completely different to how I am now so I'm so sorry that who I am now isn't good enough. Im not the perfect child, I never was and I never will be. I wish, I fucking wish people would see that everything that has happened to me has caused me to be who I am today.
■ All the abuse from my birthparents...
■ All the bullying from year 2 - year 11...
■ All the online bullying that happened the past 4 years...
■ All the learning issues i have...
■ All the medical issues...
■ finding the articles online last year...
■ finding out about my dad last year...
■ Getting the blame for my sisters problems...
■ All the people I lost too suicide
All that broke me, its all fucking broke me. Learning about my past tore my heart to peices and then having to keep secrets about it from my siblings whilst trying to support her with her questions.
Bullying and violence
The endless bullying from schools made me hate myself so much. Year 10 and year 11 were the worst years of my life, going from being called names and being sent threats to being beaten up by someone and just sitting there and letting her attack me because I felt like I fucking deserved it then being screamed at by your family for not fighting back. I was too scared to go to school for weeks and when I did go I had panic attacks in the bathrooms. She got a 3 day suspension and my year leader blamed the whole situation on me. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good. He said I must of provoked it and blamed it on the fact that her home life wasn't good.
Teachers
The teachers weren't much better, I had the same English teacher for 2 years and she was horrible to me. My english teacher would call me a disappointment and would write it in my books. When something wasnt neat she would use the black marker and draw an x on it and make me restart. She did that at book inspection too, I had to write out my whole book into a new book 😕 I became a perfectionist. I'd waste 10+ sheets of paper and cry so much if something wasn't neat because I was scared of my english teacher. I had her 3 hours a week and she would sit me right at the front of class and pick on me ☹️ The worst part is she was also my year leader 💔 made everything so much worse. She would have a go at me for the pettiest of things. I'll never forget the time she called me stupid and gave me a 107 page booklet to do over the weekends. Even when I attempted she had ago at me for not keeping up with class work when it as out of school for 2 months. Then when I didnt tell her why I was gone for 2 months she gave me a behavior point ☹️ When she found out she still didn't care, she bullied me more for it.
Then my math teacher was bad too, It was the start of year 10 and we had parents evening. She told me that if I didn't understand math now then I never would. I was a grade 3 at that time so yeh I was failing math but she also was failing me. I completely gave up with math after that. I stopped doing homework and would skip class and even if I did go I'd just sit there and do nothing cos id just given up. I went on to getting a grade 1 in math which is worse but oh well It didn't matter.
Bullying 2
I only enjoyed 2 of my classes but one class was just 2 people arguing constantly and the second class I was being bullied in. Dance was my way of putting my feelings out and drama was my way of escaping the pain. We had a dance exam once and I was in a trio. A and C would just argue non stop and 5 minutes before the exam A said she wouldnt go on stage if we didn't change the dance so we had to change it. She made me do a front flip, id never done wone before and there was no time to practice, when we was on stage I went to do it and fell, I broke my foot and caused long term damage to my knee. It put me out of dance for life. I lost a part of me and one of the only aspects of school that I liked.
TW// eating disorder and body shaming
I was in a "friend group" there was 7 of us and I never really fit in but I guess the group didn't like me. They would make make comments about what I ate which id always been a picky eater before but it got worse, id stop eating and throw my lunch away. We had these thing called parent pays and the parents could see what u bought so I'd have to buy smth so nothing was sus. But I'd throw it away or keep it in my bag and eat it at home until there started to be effects of them and it was becoming medically noticeable so I started being monitored at lunch and break, id have to eat lunch with a teacher and have. Snack at every break. So I began to hide or id skip school just so I didn't have to eat.
Learning difficulties
I've always struggled with learning, id write my numbers backwards and sometimes still do. I have irlen syndrome to (a visual perception or eye problems – caused by the way in which the brain interprets the visual information that is being sent through the eyes.) which only got diagnosed this year but it explained all my learning issues. So I learn differently to other people, very differently. I need things explaining as if you were talking to a toddler, im learning but its been hard adjusting which is why sometimes I ask the stupidest of questions. I cant take information in fast or very well as it takes so so long to process.
Oh shit this is so long 💀 maybe I'll do a part 2 or spare yall the rest. Sorry if you read to the end 😳
Rose113
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