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Re: Major trigger warning and very long post 😭
First of all, I'm so sorry you've gone through all of that @Rose113, i can't even imagine how it must feel. I just wanted to say that although people in your life are suggesting otherwise, you absolutely definitely are enough and we all value you here at the mix and i know you are a much loved member of the community.
I can imagine it is hard when you're struggling the way you are and the people around you don't seem to be acknowledging it/the extent of it as they maybe should be. Remember there will always be someone here to listen when you need or give advice when they can.
Just wanted to say I'm proud of you for being open on here and telling your story, and still being able to get through your internal battles, no matter how difficult it may seem to you right now.
Sending you a big big hug and keep reaching out to us when you need
Sinead
I can imagine it is hard when you're struggling the way you are and the people around you don't seem to be acknowledging it/the extent of it as they maybe should be. Remember there will always be someone here to listen when you need or give advice when they can.
Just wanted to say I'm proud of you for being open on here and telling your story, and still being able to get through your internal battles, no matter how difficult it may seem to you right now.
Sending you a big big hug and keep reaching out to us when you need
Sinead
Re: oil art. digital :)
Absolutely love these @eylah
I think the bear one is my favourite
I think the bear one is my favourite
Re: I don't have gcses
I'm not sure if this helps @TheNightmare, but I spent three years at college, failed all my subjects every year, and left with nothing to show for it. I had some GCSEs but that was it.
Then when I did start my career, it was in something completely different to the things I did well at in GCSE. I kind of stumbled into it to be honest, starting with volunteering, which led to an internship, then eventually paid work. It was fairly slow going but the path there kind of revealed itself to me as I moved through it - it wasn't something I planned.
When I was in college and when I dropped out after my third year, I honeslty thought I'd spend the rest of my life in catering or customer service. Up to that point I'd worked in a fish and chip shop for about 5 years, and I figured I'd just be stuck there. But slowly but surely, things changed for me.
The same can happen for you too. Opportunities will find you if given enough time, and if you persue the things you enjoy and that you're good at. I know it can be tough because when you're a bit younger it feels like the walls are closing in and there's so much pressure to have a plan, to have a career, and to sort this stuff out (I had a super hard time with that too). But something I've really learned is that a lot of this stuff is luck and time and waiting to see what happens. You're a smart guy and you clearly have a lot of determination to get the job you want, and that counts for a LOT.
Then when I did start my career, it was in something completely different to the things I did well at in GCSE. I kind of stumbled into it to be honest, starting with volunteering, which led to an internship, then eventually paid work. It was fairly slow going but the path there kind of revealed itself to me as I moved through it - it wasn't something I planned.
When I was in college and when I dropped out after my third year, I honeslty thought I'd spend the rest of my life in catering or customer service. Up to that point I'd worked in a fish and chip shop for about 5 years, and I figured I'd just be stuck there. But slowly but surely, things changed for me.
The same can happen for you too. Opportunities will find you if given enough time, and if you persue the things you enjoy and that you're good at. I know it can be tough because when you're a bit younger it feels like the walls are closing in and there's so much pressure to have a plan, to have a career, and to sort this stuff out (I had a super hard time with that too). But something I've really learned is that a lot of this stuff is luck and time and waiting to see what happens. You're a smart guy and you clearly have a lot of determination to get the job you want, and that counts for a LOT.
JustV
3
Re: I don't have gcses
Our arrangement is hybrid (mostly remote working with some in-office) but there are quite a few types of jobs in this sector that are fully remote, it depends a bit on the role
Sounds decent mate, maybe one day I could work for the mix lol.
Re: Struggling
Didnt wanna make a new post so just adding here.
It's just hard. I'm struggling to even sleep at night because of everything I'm going through. I want to shut everyone out. I want to distance myself and let myself fade away. I don't want to have to live like this. I'm laying here, it's 1 in the morning and I still haven't managed to sleep, I'm so defeated by everything yet I can't control any of it.
It takes everything out of me to get out the house and I hate it. I want to be able to go out with friends without having to have a whole week in bed to try and build myself back up. I want to be able to go out even just for a surf more than I am but I can't. I'm losing every motivation. Surfing was an escape for me but I've not asked to go since i went on Saturday and probably won't be able to until next Wednesday.
I'm spending the weekend at a friend's house Friday- Sunday as well as meeting up with other friends on the Saturday for Pride day and I really am so so excited but it's going to be so hard to mask everything as well. What if they notice how much I've gone downhill? What if I'm not able to be how I usually am around them?
Even my eating is playing up again, I don't wanna tell my friends though because only a couple know and also I feel ashamed for the progress I've lost. I'll want to live in baggy oversized clothes to hide myself but I can't because it'll be too hot. I'll want to hide my scars woth a long sleeved top but I can't because it's too hot. I'll want to try and hide it all because I just feel so ugly because of it but I can't. I don't like being ashamed especially because I went so long actually feeling unbothered by my scars. But some began to fade making me feel invalid but some began to feel like they stood out which makes me so self conscious and ashamed.
My dad is even struggling with money at the moment and I feel I'm making it worse. He tells me he owes me money for my birthday as he doesn't get gifts and buys me money so I asked to spend some of it but he had to ask me to wait till he's got a bit more money. I want to tell him not to worry about the money and I can do without but ik part of him deep down wont want to do that and I'm also in need of some things which I'd use that money for. I just feel like a problem because the money he owes me could just be money he uses for bills or for food.
All i crave is also a parent. A parent who cares. A parent who will sit and hug me and let me cry into them. A parent who'd let me not be okay for a second. Someone I didn't have to be strong for. Someone I wasn't scared to disappoint. Someone I could tell how much I don't want to be here daily yet have to be for others. Someone I could tell how much I really am struggling.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want a break but won't get one. I want a hug. A hug where they won't let go. A hug which makes me feel okay. Even just for a moment.
It's just hard. I'm struggling to even sleep at night because of everything I'm going through. I want to shut everyone out. I want to distance myself and let myself fade away. I don't want to have to live like this. I'm laying here, it's 1 in the morning and I still haven't managed to sleep, I'm so defeated by everything yet I can't control any of it.
It takes everything out of me to get out the house and I hate it. I want to be able to go out with friends without having to have a whole week in bed to try and build myself back up. I want to be able to go out even just for a surf more than I am but I can't. I'm losing every motivation. Surfing was an escape for me but I've not asked to go since i went on Saturday and probably won't be able to until next Wednesday.
I'm spending the weekend at a friend's house Friday- Sunday as well as meeting up with other friends on the Saturday for Pride day and I really am so so excited but it's going to be so hard to mask everything as well. What if they notice how much I've gone downhill? What if I'm not able to be how I usually am around them?
Even my eating is playing up again, I don't wanna tell my friends though because only a couple know and also I feel ashamed for the progress I've lost. I'll want to live in baggy oversized clothes to hide myself but I can't because it'll be too hot. I'll want to hide my scars woth a long sleeved top but I can't because it's too hot. I'll want to try and hide it all because I just feel so ugly because of it but I can't. I don't like being ashamed especially because I went so long actually feeling unbothered by my scars. But some began to fade making me feel invalid but some began to feel like they stood out which makes me so self conscious and ashamed.
My dad is even struggling with money at the moment and I feel I'm making it worse. He tells me he owes me money for my birthday as he doesn't get gifts and buys me money so I asked to spend some of it but he had to ask me to wait till he's got a bit more money. I want to tell him not to worry about the money and I can do without but ik part of him deep down wont want to do that and I'm also in need of some things which I'd use that money for. I just feel like a problem because the money he owes me could just be money he uses for bills or for food.
All i crave is also a parent. A parent who cares. A parent who will sit and hug me and let me cry into them. A parent who'd let me not be okay for a second. Someone I didn't have to be strong for. Someone I wasn't scared to disappoint. Someone I could tell how much I don't want to be here daily yet have to be for others. Someone I could tell how much I really am struggling.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want a break but won't get one. I want a hug. A hug where they won't let go. A hug which makes me feel okay. Even just for a moment.
Chloe234
3
Re: Struggling
Thanks for the reply @ella
It's just so draining and the lead up is just so stressful because it's kinda everything the past 5 years have been for.
(Also thankyou aha I felt it was about time for me to draw up something new as I had a duck before but it was only teeny)
Yeah okay, and I don't know in all honesty. I'm just scared because it's already proving hard enough trying to survive summer and get through with my downfall mentally and I feel like if I don't do well or get the grades I need then I'm gonna become really bad. A pre/post results day chat could be helpful.Maybe we can brainstorm some ways to manage that anxiety in the coming weeks? Is there anything The Mix can do running up to results day to support you? We were considering running a pre and post results day chat.
It's just so draining and the lead up is just so stressful because it's kinda everything the past 5 years have been for.
(Also thankyou aha I felt it was about time for me to draw up something new as I had a duck before but it was only teeny)
Chloe234
3
Struggling
I just cant get rid of the feeling of hopelessness. Im just stuck in a mindset where my life is gonna be funneled in a certain way which is always going to turn to shit and that no matter how hard i try im not going to have a future. Im just gonna be stuck how I am today. Struggling everyday, barely getting out of bed and suicidal.
I dont feel im ever going to feel better about anything ive been through. If anything im getting worse. I keep having these horrible really strong memories about things ive been through and its so hard to cope with. I feel like not only the past trauma but there's gonna be so much more of it and my life will be stuck this way.
I also hate how its changed me as a person. Not only to others but also just in general and with my thinking. Im just so much more untrusting of others and hold back a lot because all im thinking about when talking to people is "when are they gonna drop me and leave" "will what i say cause more problems, is it better to shut people out" or "what if they tell someone else" and i hate it because even with my best friends i do this. It makes me feel like such a horrid person.
I also hate how i cant do something like go for a walk alone without being really scared that im being follllowed or someones going to take advantage of me or even in fear im going to bump into someone whos hurt me in my past even though its unlikely. Or even just something tiny like staying home alone im so paranoid. Every little sound i get scared and its so awful to put up with.
It feels like im just going to keep losing people too. I lost my stepmom, my nan, our cats, a couple friends, my aunt. It just feels like after we loose someone its an instant "Whos next" and i hate it. Even the smallest thing wrong with someone and i start panicking that theyre going to pass. Even if its something as small as my dad having a chest infection or even nora (my dog) waking me up in slight discomfort in the night. Its so exhausting because it feels like im on high alert for everthing..
Im even stressing about results day in august for my GCSEs. I downfell mentally massively while doing my gcses and i know that it 100% affected how i did in my exams. Im just so so scared because i want to do a T-Level in Early years Education and Childcare and assisting teaching but to get into the course i have to pass my maths and english and get 3 other GCSEs at 4 or above. results day is August 22nd but Ive got such bad anxiety about it already. I hate having to sit and wait. I know i can get the 3 other gcses and my maths but when doing my English exams i did so much worse than usual so i really dont know if i can scrape a 4 with it. If i dont i cant do my course though because theres no time for me to retake english as the course is full on. Id have to probably stay at my school and do sixth form and do health and social care as well as 2 other courses i wont wanna do just to try stay on track.
Everything is just building up and creating a tower what can fall anyday and i hate it. Even that is just a percentage of everything on my mind. I just feel so hopeless
I dont feel im ever going to feel better about anything ive been through. If anything im getting worse. I keep having these horrible really strong memories about things ive been through and its so hard to cope with. I feel like not only the past trauma but there's gonna be so much more of it and my life will be stuck this way.
I also hate how its changed me as a person. Not only to others but also just in general and with my thinking. Im just so much more untrusting of others and hold back a lot because all im thinking about when talking to people is "when are they gonna drop me and leave" "will what i say cause more problems, is it better to shut people out" or "what if they tell someone else" and i hate it because even with my best friends i do this. It makes me feel like such a horrid person.
I also hate how i cant do something like go for a walk alone without being really scared that im being follllowed or someones going to take advantage of me or even in fear im going to bump into someone whos hurt me in my past even though its unlikely. Or even just something tiny like staying home alone im so paranoid. Every little sound i get scared and its so awful to put up with.
It feels like im just going to keep losing people too. I lost my stepmom, my nan, our cats, a couple friends, my aunt. It just feels like after we loose someone its an instant "Whos next" and i hate it. Even the smallest thing wrong with someone and i start panicking that theyre going to pass. Even if its something as small as my dad having a chest infection or even nora (my dog) waking me up in slight discomfort in the night. Its so exhausting because it feels like im on high alert for everthing..
Im even stressing about results day in august for my GCSEs. I downfell mentally massively while doing my gcses and i know that it 100% affected how i did in my exams. Im just so so scared because i want to do a T-Level in Early years Education and Childcare and assisting teaching but to get into the course i have to pass my maths and english and get 3 other GCSEs at 4 or above. results day is August 22nd but Ive got such bad anxiety about it already. I hate having to sit and wait. I know i can get the 3 other gcses and my maths but when doing my English exams i did so much worse than usual so i really dont know if i can scrape a 4 with it. If i dont i cant do my course though because theres no time for me to retake english as the course is full on. Id have to probably stay at my school and do sixth form and do health and social care as well as 2 other courses i wont wanna do just to try stay on track.
Everything is just building up and creating a tower what can fall anyday and i hate it. Even that is just a percentage of everything on my mind. I just feel so hopeless
Chloe234
3