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Comments
hi @Verity it does feel quite isolating right now like physically and mentally. Physically I can’t be with anyone and I’m left alone in the hotel room (I knew I would be here alone anyways) and then mentally because I can’t open up about anything I’m dealing with - not even to N today.
we will be heading home Friday morning at 8am with a 7hr journey back where I’ll feel isolated again. The anxiety had kinda left this morning until about 11, when I was getting ready for therapy, now the anxiety is back and I can tell it is because my hands are shaking and my legs are shaking, I also feel more panicky
I feel like I’ve ruined my partners day, he messaged to ask why I was doing and I said I’m in therapy, then asked what I’ve been up too - I did message then I deleted it.
he asked what I deleted so I said “I’ve been doing nothing just in my head but it’s fine I’ll be fine” to which he said I need to tell my therapist. I proceeded to tell him to enjoy the day at the conference and to bring back all the information so he can use it at work. He told be he can’t enjoy it now because he knows I’m not okay.
so now I’ve fucked up that day for him, and if/when he returns today he’s going to see that I’ve hurt myself
I’m just a screw up really
Hey @Lottie5433 I'm sure your partner just wants the best for you and cares, it's understandable that the day will feel different but you don't need to blame yourself. I completely get how this can feel like you may have made a mistake but you can always remind yourself to be kind to yourself and remember how far you have come and to take everyday as it comes, some days will be harder than others.
Sorry if you have already shared, but would you say there's anything in particular on the trip that has made you want to isolate/SH?
hi @Verity I wouldn’t say there is anything in particular that has made me want to self harm, it’s just been a build up that I couldn’t find another way to release the build up.
I’ve kinda been made to isolate, like I’m away with my partner for a works conference, I was only allowed to attended on Tuesday (although the boss here didn’t seem happy that I was here, neither did some of the others there too) where as my partner is at the conference Tuesday - Thursday. He also doesn’t want me to be wondering the streets on my own so I’m kinda confined to the hotel and the shops below really.
I don’t want to do this anymore
I’m sat crying again
I don’t want to eat - I’m not going to eat anymore now
I just want to go home, I wish I went home today
I’m failing everyone, what’s the point in trying anymore really
Hey @Lottie5433 Thanks for sharing your struggles that you've been experiencing while you're away at the conference. I'm hearing that you feel isolated and uncomfortable out of your comfort zone, and struggling with being stuck in the hotel room all the time while your partner is out at the conferences. It also sounds like your partner has been supporting you, but this has felt pretty suffocating.
I'm wondering whether you managed to join the Teams call with N today, and if so, how did that go?
It seems you've only got one full day left there no before you head home on Friday, what could you do tonight and tomorrow to help you relax and reduce the urges to self-harm?
hi @Callum
I did join the call with N, it was okay I got more homework set.
not sure what I can do. I keep aggravating the sh so keep having to wrap that up but now I’ve made my head hurt. 1 because I’ve been crying 2 I’ve not drank enough 3 I’ve hit my head because I keep getting annoyed at myself
I’ve fucked up again
My partner just saw my sh and I’ve pissed him off coz I won’t tell him when I did it
I fucking hate myself and my stupid behaviours. Wish I wasn’t like this wish I was normal
I don’t want to do this anymore
I can’t do this anymore
I’m ruining everything
I’m better off not being here