If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. For Crisis Support (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Please help us out!
We have our annual survey out, asking a few questions about you, your needs and preferences, and the impact of our services. It should take around 5-8 minutes and by completing it, you will be entered for a chance to win a £200 Love2Shop voucher (in line with our privacy policy)
Click here to fill out our survey.
We have our annual survey out, asking a few questions about you, your needs and preferences, and the impact of our services. It should take around 5-8 minutes and by completing it, you will be entered for a chance to win a £200 Love2Shop voucher (in line with our privacy policy)
Click here to fill out our survey.
Comments
hi @Verity it does feel quite isolating right now like physically and mentally. Physically I can’t be with anyone and I’m left alone in the hotel room (I knew I would be here alone anyways) and then mentally because I can’t open up about anything I’m dealing with - not even to N today.
we will be heading home Friday morning at 8am with a 7hr journey back where I’ll feel isolated again. The anxiety had kinda left this morning until about 11, when I was getting ready for therapy, now the anxiety is back and I can tell it is because my hands are shaking and my legs are shaking, I also feel more panicky
I feel like I’ve ruined my partners day, he messaged to ask why I was doing and I said I’m in therapy, then asked what I’ve been up too - I did message then I deleted it.
he asked what I deleted so I said “I’ve been doing nothing just in my head but it’s fine I’ll be fine” to which he said I need to tell my therapist. I proceeded to tell him to enjoy the day at the conference and to bring back all the information so he can use it at work. He told be he can’t enjoy it now because he knows I’m not okay.
so now I’ve fucked up that day for him, and if/when he returns today he’s going to see that I’ve hurt myself
I’m just a screw up really
Hey @Lottie5433 I'm sure your partner just wants the best for you and cares, it's understandable that the day will feel different but you don't need to blame yourself. I completely get how this can feel like you may have made a mistake but you can always remind yourself to be kind to yourself and remember how far you have come and to take everyday as it comes, some days will be harder than others.
Sorry if you have already shared, but would you say there's anything in particular on the trip that has made you want to isolate/SH?
hi @Verity I wouldn’t say there is anything in particular that has made me want to self harm, it’s just been a build up that I couldn’t find another way to release the build up.
I’ve kinda been made to isolate, like I’m away with my partner for a works conference, I was only allowed to attended on Tuesday (although the boss here didn’t seem happy that I was here, neither did some of the others there too) where as my partner is at the conference Tuesday - Thursday. He also doesn’t want me to be wondering the streets on my own so I’m kinda confined to the hotel and the shops below really.
I don’t want to do this anymore
I’m sat crying again
I don’t want to eat - I’m not going to eat anymore now
I just want to go home, I wish I went home today
I’m failing everyone, what’s the point in trying anymore really
Hey @Lottie5433 Thanks for sharing your struggles that you've been experiencing while you're away at the conference. I'm hearing that you feel isolated and uncomfortable out of your comfort zone, and struggling with being stuck in the hotel room all the time while your partner is out at the conferences. It also sounds like your partner has been supporting you, but this has felt pretty suffocating.
I'm wondering whether you managed to join the Teams call with N today, and if so, how did that go?
It seems you've only got one full day left there no before you head home on Friday, what could you do tonight and tomorrow to help you relax and reduce the urges to self-harm?
hi @Callum
I did join the call with N, it was okay I got more homework set.
not sure what I can do. I keep aggravating the sh so keep having to wrap that up but now I’ve made my head hurt. 1 because I’ve been crying 2 I’ve not drank enough 3 I’ve hit my head because I keep getting annoyed at myself
I’ve fucked up again
My partner just saw my sh and I’ve pissed him off coz I won’t tell him when I did it
I fucking hate myself and my stupid behaviours. Wish I wasn’t like this wish I was normal
I don’t want to do this anymore
I can’t do this anymore
I’m ruining everything
I’m better off not being here
Are you safe @Lottie5433 ?
Hey @Lottie5433 I can tell by the words you have used you are really struggling to feel motivated and possibily feeling a lot of shame or guilt right now, is that right? we're here to listen.
You don't need to punish yourself for emotions, I wonder if your partner has said anything regarding your SH?
are you safe lottie? do you need immediate help? we’re here for you!
thank you both @Redemption and @eylah , i am safe currently. just got to get through 1 more day.
Hi @Verity , yeah i am feeling alot of shame and guilt right now and its just making me feel worse just an endless cycle.
the only thing hes said is "when did you do that" and "it does matter when you did it" - he also went "bet you didnt tell your therapist that, did you" thats all thats been said. when he left this morning he asked if i actually ate last night - no i didnt - then asked me to promise him that id eat today - i said id try. to which he didnt like that so he left very abruptly and angrily and said he wouldnt eat tonight. as soon as he left i cried and hit my head because i was more annoyed at myself.
he then messaged and apologised for leaving that way and said once the awards and that at the conference have been done hes going to come back and be with me - but i dont want him to do that and ive told him this. i just know ive ruined this whole week away because i cant control my actions or my mental health.
@Lottie5433 the endless cycle you explained must be exhausting, not feeling like you can get out of the loop, Ii hope you can get some rest and a reset once you are back from the trip. What feelings came up when your partner said these comments and left abruptly?
If you don't mind sharing, has hitting your head caused any injury or dizzness?
@Verity it is exhausting.
when he said the comments and left abruptly it just made me annoyed at myself and I got angry at myself, I’ve been hating myself.
hitting ny head didn’t cause any injuties, I might get a bruise later on just coz I bruise easily, then it game me a slight dizzy spell and headache but that’s probably because I’ve not really ate or drank a lot
my partner made me turn on my location again, I turnt it off yesterday or Tuesday evening and he’s just come back from the conference before he goes out again for the meal and told me to turn it back on. He said if I turn it off at any point in the evening he’s coming back.
but he said he was coming back after the awards anyway - unless he’s forgot about that
im just messing everything up.
maybe I’ll just take a trip to the pier tonight.
I need to be stronger than that, only got to get through tonight then I leave tomorrow
are you going to be safe if you go to the pier?
I’ll be fine
Remember we are here for you always
thank you @Redemption, I’ll be fine just waiting on shout really
did they answer @Lottie5433 .
@eylah no Shout haven’t answered me, been waiting for 3 hours now
I’ll be fine though had to wait this long yesterday so I ended up talking to Samaritans
@Lottie5433 . hru rn? are you ok.
@eylah not great but it’s fine I don’t want to bother anyone. I’ve just been ignoring my partners messages in hopes he will just forget about me and will enjoy his evening.
still waiting for shout, been about 5hrs I’ve been waiting, I see why no one really likes the service
@Lottie5433 . they rly aren’t a gd helpline. especially when ppl are in crisis they take piss :/.
I’m debating if I send this to my partner
I’m sorry
I don’t want to ruin your time away, you should be enjoying yourself and learning new things to bring back: instead of worrying about me - which is one reason I’ve not told you anything.
Please go and enjoy yourself tonight and eat, it will just piss everyone one else off if you don’t eat because they paid for it etc. I’ll be fine not eating, this is the norm for me, if I’m struggling and I don’t feel “safe” in the place I am then I don’t eat because I feel I can control things better then. But also that voice inside me has been louder recently and I’ve been trying to ignore it but despite the year of therapy I had I’m still too weak to fight it off so I let it win.
Everyone was right I shouldn’t have come here, I should have just let you come alone it would have been better for everyone.
I know you will say this is why I have to be stronger than the voice and not give in to it, and I should be telling N all this during therapy - but that takes time and N knows that, in stead she picks up on how uncomfortable I get when talking about this stuff and just opens the space for me to talk instead of making me talk. Like yesterday we spoke about why I don’t like to talk about my feelings and why I bottle them up and it’s because everytime I have people have left me, used it against me or told others about my struggles. This is always just a fear of mine that one day your going to have enough of me and leave me and I don’t think I can cope with that, your the first person I’ve felt able to trust in a long time. And everytime you raise your voice because I won’t eat or I won’t tell you when I self harmed makes me shut down and go quiet because I feel like I’ve done something wrong. Then because of all this I internalise it and end up hurting myself more because I don’t like the way it feels inside, it feels like ants crawling under my skin - this is when I’ll scratch more too. Every time I don’t talk or I hurt myself I feel ashamed that I have and it came to that but also that I cause you or anyone else to worry. I also don’t like it when you say you will tell Michelle about everything going on, because that makes me feel like a child everytime - when in school they would “safeguarded” for my behaviours but I wouldn’t be told about anything happening after and then the next minute everyone knows and I don’t want that to happen: when my mental health starts effecting work again that’s when I’ll tell Michelle but for the moment work is one of the only things keeping me out my head. But every time I fear someone is going to get told then I act like everything’s fine, when deep down I know it’s not but I don’t like anyone to know because then people to fix me and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. It’s the same as when you’ve taken away the blade, I know you’ve done it to protect me and to “stop” me from hurting myself: mainly in the van. But it doesn’t, it just makes me feel like a child but also that you can’t trust me, it also just gives me thoughts of how I can do it other ways. I know you’ve said if It came to it you’d just put everything in a box and lock it, and would essentially “watch me” use it but also you’d “check” me after a shower and things that again jsit makes me feel uncomfortable and like you can’t trust me and you have to treat me like a child. But you don’t have to do that, it only makes me more crafty in finding things I can use to hurt myself and just makes me want to hide it more when I do it because I don’t want to be shamed for doing it and “told off” for it. I’ve lived with this since I was 10, I understand the consequences for my own actions but it’s something that I know helps and when you take things away or you “monitor” me that’s when I want to hide it more because now it’s affecting your life and wellbeing. I know when you saw my recent Self harm you wanted to know when I did it, but I don’t ever want to say that because it will just make things worse - you will tell me to talk to you or to talk to Nicola but sometimes I can’t. Sometimes it happens after therapy and sometimes before but I don’t want the focus of the session to be on that when I know how to keep myself safe. The it’s I don’t want to tell you because I know it will disappoint you, like the fact that I’d done this yesterday because I couldn’t cope with what was in my head will make it worse and you will question why I never told you especially coz I was crying myself to sleep but also question why I brought things with me so I could do this - but for me it’s a safety net, something I know will work when I can’t deal with the thoughts or emotions but also has everything I need to look after myself when I’m out of that moment. This is also why I don’t like the idea that you took my blades away because it’s taking away that sense of safety for me. Again I know you’d will just want me to talk to you when I feel like this but I don’t ever want to be a burden to you or anyone, yesterday I don’t want it to ruin your evening or day. There will come I time I will talk when I feel like this but just trust me in that I know what I’m doing, I understand my action and how they impact others. There will be a day where I can trust myself to open up and not think of the worst case scenario of you leaving me because I’m too much to handle, and trust you and others that I’m not going to feel invalidated by being told “your being stupid”, “stop thinking like that” etc. but for now I need to work on trust myself and believing I can reach out for help and that I’m not a complete burden.
I know all this just comes from the fact you don’t want to see me hurt myself and basically kill myself from the inside out. But you have to understand it’s a process that take time to “fix”, 1 change isn’t going to “cure me”. I try not to let you see me when I’m like this because I know it hurts you, and it makes you seem useless because you can’t help me: which is why I spend most part of the day and night when your asleep and away crying to myself because I know if you find out about anything you’d be mad at me and ashamed of me. But also it would be the only thing you’d think about. This is why I’ve been bottling it up and masking this whole time we’ve been away and a few weeks prior because I don’t want you to constantly be worrying about me.
I know you will also say this is something I need to tell Nicola during therapy and “And its like, your not even telling the people whos whole purpose is to help you” or “You cant be helped if you wont let people help” but this is a long process for me to build that rust to know that people aren’t just going to leave when they hear about my problems, I frequently have this discussion with N during the therapy sessions when I say “I don’t like talking about my problems” and we talk about it and I slowly open up about why and then about what’s been going on for me. She understands it will take time for me to do this because I’ve been bottling things up for so long and have found it hard to trust anyone because of past experiences. But also the sessions are the pretreatment just for N to get an understanding of where I’m too, where I want to be, any inferences to this and life limiting behaviours that need to be looked at. We spoke about the process in what I should do if I feel like I’m out of control or unsafe and that is to ring the office and ask to talk to her and if not I’ll talk to someone else there so they can talk me down and at this point if I hang up or the line goes quiet that when they escalate it and get others involved - which is what we spoke about yesterday when I said there is a pier here and I told her the intention of going there would be to off myself and we spoke about that some more, which is also where the crisis work and plan is coming in to help
I know none of this is what you want to here and you want me to talk to you rather than keep it all to myself but I find it hard because I don’t want you to limit your enjoyment because you worry about me. And I know you say “im here for you anytime”, “I love you and thats how relationships work” and “We make sacrifices” but I don’t want you to make sacrifices just to be here for me. I will be and always will be fine on my own. I’ve learnt to just live with it all and allow it to be apart of my life
It’s taken me a while to ever begin to trust anyone with how I feel, just with in the past it’s been something that has caused people to leave me, use it against me, bully me and soothing they believe they can “cure” but in all honestly it scares me that one day I fear you’ll have enough of me and you will leave me and your one of the only people I’ve felt able to trust with a lot of my issues and in such a short space of time.
When I’m like this I do contact services just to talk it through and come up with a plan with someone who doesn’t know me and won’t judge me for anything i say or do.
I don’t know why it is but this whole week I’ve felt lost and alone, isolated - like yes I knew all this but I don’t think I’d feel like this because I’m use to not being with others, but I don’t know it just felt different. Like looking back on it I’d probably choose not to come or if I did I’d go home after the first day that way I’d have the comfort of my own things and place, I’d have bear (which makes things a little bit bearable and that he know when I’m struggling and begs for more attention just to keep me present). The only thing I wouldn’t have would be you, but I know you’d be having fun and learning new things. Everyone was right and I shouldn’t have come.
Overall I don’t want this to affect our relationship with each other and I don’t want you to feel you’re useless and blame yourself for anything. I am the only one that can be held responsible for everything I do.
I just hope this doesn’t damage our relationship, and I hope I can trust you not to tell others about anything as I can deal with this I don’t want anyone else to know I’m struggling.
I’m sorry for the way I am
I’m sorry for causing you to worry about me you shouldn’t ever need to worry about me.
I’m sorry for ruining this whole time way of the way I’m thinking and I’m sorry for not being strong enough
Just know you are not useless and I appreciate you being there for me even if I don’t utilise you
I’m just sorry for being the burden that I am.
I’m unsure if I send it and let him seen/ read it. I sent it to him a minute ago and then deleted it. Now he wants to know what I wrote and I know it will eat him up not knowing what I wrote but I don’t want to hurt him with my words
I’m conflicted
I’ve used them before and they’ve usually been pretty quick at responding but this is a joke to get people to wait ages for someone to pick it up.
because rice been waiting so long I did speak to Kelly’s heroes and did try to call Samaritans but my anxiety made it too hard to do that