If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
[OLD] The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
This discussion has been closed.
Comments
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
just want it over and to go home now aha
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
Yeah I thought you may have. I seem to always know what's happening.
Fuck's sake. Look...
It is your relationship and your life. And I can't make you do or not do anything. You're still free to live your life however you want. But what I can tell you is that this whole thing is impacting me. It makes me feel very stressed and angry and disgusted and sometimes hurt. Not really to guilt trip you, but I especially don't need this right now.
Secondly, in my eyes (in my dad's eyes. In my sibling's eyes. My gran's eyes. Everyone's eyes as far as I'm concerned), this is the definition of unhealthy. I've been watching some short films about domestic violence (out of interest and boredom), and to be completely honest, the characters remind me of you and him. The "abuser" is very unpredictable, demanding, either messed up or using the "victim" for selfish reasons. And the "victim", no matter how much they're hurt or how much their kids are hurt, always refuses to leave because "[their partner] loves me, I love them, you don't understand, [etc]".
You and John are built off of your own fucked up heads (if you want me to be totally blunt). What I see is a heartless man who uses people and behaves abusively, and a woman who needs to obsess over someone, needs to not feel empty, and needs emotion - kind of like you use him as a drug and he uses you as his door matt. And what you both have in common is the need for and nature of rollercoasters and emotion. It's not "love" (NO MATTER how many times you want to insist that you love him), and it's certainly not a healthy relationship. Like I say, it is your choice. But if nothing else, this is affecting me. And if you just don't understand any of it, I kind of pity you.
I'd way rather you "weren't useful", then were with John. WAY rather.
Though I'm sorry [his neighbour] was a bitch to you (and that he was). John's a loser and I just wish you'd come to terms with that.
Her: I know he's an abuser. And I know I need that roller-coaster of emotion. I'm not blind to any of that.
But my point is that, when he's in my life, I can function. I can come to yours, I can just about hold my shit together, I can just about be some sort of mother even if not a great one. But, when he's not, I fall apart - I become a wreck who can't even get out of the house and is no use to anyone.
It may not be great. It may not be healthy. And I may well be fucked up. But things are what they are. And, given that, the reality is that I am better and saner and more able to function when he is in my life than when he isn't.
Me: No, you've got the total wrong end of the stick. You don't need him; I think you need to get to the bottom of your issues and work them out. Again, it's like a drug. And you don't need the drug, you need to go to rehab and work out what it is that made you use the drug in the first place.
Her: Thanks.
What I am trying to say is don't think I'm NOT thinking of you in this, because I AM. I may not be thinking how you want me to or think I should, but I *am* thinking of you. I want to stay afloat for you and your sibling. I don't want to become a mental wreck or lapse into alcoholism again or or or. I want and need to keep going for you and your sibling. And, like it or not, John enables me to do that. Yes, that may be because I am fucked up, but I have already come as far as I can in changing that. I know myself and I know what I need. And, yes, what I need may not be healthy, but it still *is* what I need.
Me: Honestly - completely seriously - if you want to help me and my sibling out, work your issues out and don't get back together with John. Getting together with John will make everything just worse. If you do get back together with him, know that it IS purely for selfish reasons (again not guilt tripping) - because it's absolutely not the best for us.
Her: I don't agree. I have already worked through my issues - I did that several years ago. I went from a place of total self-loathing, to a place of self-love and self-acceptance. I *like* who I am. Fucked up or not, I *like* it and am happy with it. I am the person I want to be. I don't *want* to change. I don't *want* to embrace the culture of boundaries and putting self first and etc. I like *my* beliefs and philosophies etc. They may be unhealthy, but I *like* them. I spent so so many years not liking myself or accepting myself and believing I was damaged and needed to change etc. During those years I was bloody *miserable*. I only really started to feel like a human-being whose life was worth living when I started to accept and like who I *am* instead of thinking I ought to try and bend myself into the shape other people and society in general thought I should have.
Where you want me to go is, in my opinion, backwards, back to an earlier stage of life where I was very unhappy. Where I am now is somewhere that took me a lot of time and effort and hard work to get to. And it's where I *want* to be. I don't want to go back to viewing myself and my beliefs and attitudes and feelings as screwed up and trying to change them. That was NOT a good place for me.
Everyone has to take their own journey and work out for themselves what is the best version of life and self *for them*. And who I am and how I live now *is* the best version of life possible FOR ME, even if it's "objectively" not good
Getting back together with John doesn't look likely to be an option anyway. Though I firmly believe it *is* the best option for everyone.
To be completely honest, the selfish option is suicide. That is my preference. That is what I would do if I didn't have to think of you and your sibling.
Then, after that, is alcoholism. Which would NOT be good for you or your sibling either.
Try to understand that I the damage I have suffered in my life is NOT completely fixable or reversable. I have already come as far as I can with fixing it. I really have.
What has to be done now is *damage limitation*. I have to look at, given how damaged I am (fact), what is the LEAST harmful way forward.
Options seem to be: 1. suicide, 2/ alcoholism, or 3/ Steve (or someone like him).
I know myself and my limitations and I know that these ARE the only options for me. And I very firmly believe that John-or-someone-like-him is far and away the LEAST damaging of the options available to me.
Me: I've tried to tell you. I've tried to make you understand. You don't. It is definitely your life, and I haven't denied that. But it's a stupid way to live.
I feel John has just damaged our relationship. And will do so more if you do get back together with him. The whole thing upsets me and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to be touched by someone who's had their hands all over a bastard. I don't want to talk to someone who is hyper and happy because they've been with their "drug". I don't want to even think of you together because it makes me really worked up. And I'll warn you again, that it's not just about me, this "relationship" is unhealthy.
I think honestly, maybe you should make use of your counsellor and tell her about this. I know you won't.
Just woke up with bad thoughts that the peer support work training will say im not in my own recovery juorney mentally to help others:((((((. But i mean my care co ordinator was my refrence & always told her how suicidal i get but then i guess for a refrence they only ask things that give positive answers. Idk. But after the interview they said at the end if that was the case theyd be very honest about it but can work on your own recovery while doing the corse so guess can still do it - i hope - so dk why am thinking you cant://///. But i will just say i feel fine when asked any questions about my own mental health.
I mean they do say how finding meaning, purpose and hope is so important for recovery jounery and being a peer support worker would give me a lot more hope & is a veryy meaningful job
But ive totally forgotten i need to make a wellness plan for myself omggggg
anyone made a wellness plan before???
edit. Shittt the email was sent yesterday so tomorrow is today:///
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
gave in my ID for DBS but i also need to fill out some stuff incase my contact with the police come up on it and they want to be well aware just incase anything does. but the email i was sent isnt working 😥😥😥😥. I just really hope that ive harmed a police man will not come up on it 😥😥😥😰😥😥😥they know my contact with police i told them and they said it was for my mental health and shouldnt affect my place. But im scared incase it looks worse on paper or something. Like you know people make things sound bad with big words and all that.
ive also been given my time table for the training and it starts on the 29th -- even if my DBS hasnt came through and is 9 til 5 every week day and i am only used to working on weekends for 8 hours a week and im going to be doing this added to it! im going to be doing something everyday and i havent done anything more than 8 hours a week for years. Dk if can do this but really want to.
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
^^maybe tw