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Giving up.

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  • Past UserPast User Posts: 1,997 Extreme Poster
    What's on your mind tonight @greentea ? <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    edited June 2020
    @Liam

    I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Worsening mental health, working daily, dealing with real personal stuff.  You know when everything feels to much to manage and you just don't know how to cope? 
    I'm always trying my best but my best is never good enough. I've been slacking at my best recently and I feel guilty. I'm slacking because my mental health is declining faster than I can keep on top of it. I just feel so overwhelmed and out of place and I need a break but I can't get one. Break from my brain. Break from work. Break from urges to hurt self. Just need a break. 
    When things get hard normally I run. I leave. I go stay with someone, I take myself away on the train.. London.. Birmingham.. Devon.. Somerset.. I can't do that because of covid. I can't do it because it's not allowed and it's really really what I need to do. It's my main way of coping. And I can't do it
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I want to just run..and flee . Get away and I can't and it's killing me. I have no escape. No real escape. I'm stuck.
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    All you can ever do is try your best, and your best is good enough. I really do appreciate that sometimes it's hard to even try your best, but you're still trying, and that is good enough. You're reaching out, and to me that shows that you are very brave, and you are trying. You've been here before, and you've got through it. That shows me that you are really strong and that you can do this. It's really really hard, I know that, but you can do it. You're going to have bad days like this but you're getting through them and eventually you'll get there with support, which you so deserve. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you.

    When I get bad I leave. I go somewhere I can be safe and I can't anymore because of covid. I can't just pack up and go crash at my brother's, I can't get home to my parents because it's too far, I don't have my safe spaces when things get bad 😭 normally I've gone away by now and been able to pick myself back up slightly but I haven't and I can't
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I want to escape.
    I want to just escape.. 
    It's all I want.. 
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    I understand it's you feeling like you can't get away. Your mental health is so so important. Do the likes of your brother and your parents know you're having a hard time at the moment?
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    independent_ said:
    I understand it's you feeling like you can't get away. Your mental health is so so important. Do the likes of your brother and your parents know you're having a hard time at the moment?

    My mum and friend from back home do. My brother no because he just doesn't understand. He knows I'm not ok when I text asking if I can crash at his. We don't really talk otherwise.
    I've been asking to go to my mum's and it's always been "have to wait and see what the rules are" 
    I'm not asking so I can go have a jolly. I'm asking so I can be around people who can keep me safe and well.
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    I was about to ask whether they'd be ok with you staying there despite the rules. Might be worth asking your brother about that too? Your circumstances are exceptional and it's very very important that you're safe (mentally as well as physically in terms of virus).
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Maybe.. I'll text him tomorrow. He will probably say the same as my parent. He hasn't had anyone over or seen anyone since march
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    He might, but you never know. It's worth a try, you never know unless you ask. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Yep. I need an escape. I need somewhere safe , I need my safe spaces.
    All that's gonna happen is my I'll fall deeper into a struggling state and end up in a really bad situation if I don't escape
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    I hope you get a positive response from your brother. This lockdown is having such an effect on mental health, I think a lot of people aren't thinking about that, and it's not always caused by lockdown/covid itself. In your case it's because you don't have access to your usual support network and places where you feel safe. To me, feeling safe mentally is just as important as being safe physically from the virus. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I haven't felt safe mentally for weeks. I relapsed after 5 weeks sh free and just haven't been able to achieve since. Yet I put up a fake front because I feel like it's my only choice
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    I'm so sorry to hear that, sending you hugs :heart: 

    It's ok to admit you're struggling and it's good that you have this thread as a place where you don't have to put up that front and where you don't have to feel like you're being fake. A lot of us are putting up a front at the moment, myself included, I think a lot of the time it's easier to just say we're ok and use every ounce of energy we have on pretending to be ok. I understand that. But sometimes we just can't do it anymore and that's where your support network comes in. I'm glad you're reaching out here, and I really hope your brother is understanding. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you. 
    Yep I'm exhausted putting up s front where ever I go. I can't do it anymore
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    It is utterly exhausting, I get that. Sending more  hugs because I can tell you need them lots tonight :heart: 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you. Cried myself into a state of sore swollen eyes and a soggy penguin Teddy. I just want to let out the biggest sigh once I feel like I can relax. When I feel less tense. The big sign when you finally get the break you need. 
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    Aww, I really hope you get that break as soon as possible. You need it. 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 21 Boards Initiate
    @GreenTea you're not a burden at all. Listen to me, you're struggling rn and that feels crap but it is okay. It's okay to not be okay, it's okay to not be able to hold up a smiling mask - putting on a brave face when you feel this bad is an ENORMOUS task. You dont have to do that and even if it feels like you have to, it's okay to not be able to right now. 

    When you're poorly mentally, it is the same as being poorly physically. Just because you're in a low patch rn, you are in no way a burden. People with the flu aren't a burden, people who have cancer aren't a burden. And this is exactly the same - you are so so right to reach out for help and you deserve it so much. You deserve as much support and love and help as anyone who's having a tough time, physically or mentally. 

    Don't give up yet - the fact that you've reached out, this entire thread, is testament to the fact that you are fighting to feel better again. And you will soon. There's so many people who don't reach out because they're not brave enough so the fact that you have is amazing and that alone makes you a fighter, a hero worth all the support we can give. 

    I know its crap rn but you can do this. You can do this. Things will get better soon <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you.
    I just wish things were easy. I just wish I could go somewhere else for a while
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    I just wanted to check up on you. How are you feeling today?
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    So so, had a bit of sleep last night and just took my time this morning. I just want time out. I'm so exhausted
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    Aww that’s good that you got some sleep. You need it. 

    I hope work isn’t too bad today and you can relax when you get home
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Heading home now to try relax
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix

    Really struggling.. zoned out and SH..I'm numb. I can't cry. Maybe I've cried to much.. I don't feel angry.. maybe because I've felt so angry recently. 

    I'm worthless. A disappointment, better off dead, labelled a problem, seen as a problem, hated by everyone because I'm a problem. Can't be a problem if I'm gone. 

  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I feel like there's a massive pressure sitting on my shoulders and chest. I couldn't breathe earlier..  everything is getting too much to the point my own body hates me too. Everyone hates me. I hate me. My body hates me. What's the point if everyone and everything hates me?
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we don't hate you, and you are absolutely not a problem here, and im sure others in your life outside of here would agree. You're such a kind, supportive person and you are so worth it, I know it's not always easy to see that but you are amazing and you are trying, I believe you can do this :) 
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member ☕🌻☕ Posts: 12,938 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I'm not amazing or supportive... Sorry.. I'm just not
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Came in to give all the hugs @GreenTea 💖 

    You're one of the most supportive people I know I witness it first hand you are a lovely person.

    None of us hate you I know it's all getting too much are you able to take some time and do something you enjoy? Read? Even do some breathing exercises maybe! 

    We're all here to listen  :)
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