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feel like im nearly dead *TRIGGER WARNING*

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
edited January 2020 in Health & Wellbeing
Its all getting worse. I cant stop repeating over and over in my head telling everyone im sorry but its for the best for everyone and things just need to stop now & i need to be at peace and stuff like wishing my sisters carrying on getting the best out of life.  And more detailer stuff i wont say. I havent like wrote it down or anything just how i feel so i hope its okay to share those feelings & how shit it feels to keep feeling like that and these sentances keep going round my head and  keep feeling how that i should kill myself to atleast give my organs to someone whos more worthy than me. And if im not feeling like that im picturing how i would kill myself. And i feel like i hardly have any energy - i try to tidy but i cant be bothered yet everything i touch i feel like throwing it. Some things just wont get better and i dont want a life with it. And i can just see myself actually dying and i seriously feel like i could. Im safe now & dont have plans but my mind & how i feel is getting more and more suicidal by the day now. I dont even feel like eating at all
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Post edited by Siena on
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Comments

  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,103 Boards Champion
    Hey :)

    Sorry to hear how you're feeling - take each day as it comes, do the basics (shower, brush teeth etc) as a habit, and perhaps finding an outlet (e.g. Samaritans, meditation, or writing - you mentioned in another thread about creative writing!). You are better than you think, and are doing better than you might feel. We're here for you through this x

    Much love <3
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    Keep your head up @Shaunie ,

    Didn’t know that you were this long since you joined the community. Not only that, you have survived throughout the years you have struggled which I am surprised. Huge respect to you.

    I can tell that you will always live and have a sign of life within you. Keep in contact with other members as well if that helps.


    Look after yourself. <3


  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    Just checking in to see how you are doing @Shaunie. Progress is never linear, sometimes we have setbacks. It sounds like you feel like you are struggling more recently. It's natural for some days to be harder than others.

    I'll echo what @Azziman said in their comment. Do you have an outlet/people to speak to about how you feel?

    Please feel free to reach out on the Boards if you ever need help or someone to speak to. You have such a strong peer network here of people who care about you and are happy to talk with you.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all <3

    i feel really bad
     its like i know i will end my life cause i don’t know how suppose to cope anymore. I just dont know when i will
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I only have 4 sessons left with my counsellor. Will feel like i have no support after that. Cause not even under services anymore. So whats the point. Cba
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    It sounds like you are worried about counselling ending, are you able to talk to your counsellor about this? Between you both you may be able to come up with a plan and coping tips to help you :heart

    We're here for you :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    No. I wont be able to cope no matter what. Ill feel sad that ill never see her again:(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    💜 sending love Shaunie. Sorry to hear you are struggling but thank you for letting us know you are safe. When are you next seeing your counsellor? Agree with @Stephanie, would be good to start talking about what happens after your last 4 sessions - she’ll be able to help.

    Stay strong, we are always here for you and really value you here - wouldn’t be the same without you.

    - Lucy
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2020
    I see her tomorrow. After tomorrow will be 3. Then soon none. 

    I can almost picture my family being told i killed myself and they cry. But the next day they stress about funeral costs. Then fast foward a few months their lives are better without me. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    *Police knock on the door*
    "Im sorry to say but Shevaun killed herself" 
    *cries*
    "how"
    "________"
    "WHY" "WHY IS SHE SO FUCKING SELFISH"
    "Atleast shes at peace now

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Kept crying in counselling talking about the abuse 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. She kept saying she really wants to hug me and that we will get through it and will ask for some more sessions for me and made me cry even more cause feel like wont get through it. But glad to have some fresh air after. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 93 Budding Regular
    edited January 2020

    Hi Shaunie, 
    I hope you are okay? I just wanted to tell you that I believe you will get through this. I know it’s hard but you are so strong and such an amazing person. I admire how supportive you are to everyone else on these boards and I'm so thankful to have you here. I'm glad to hear that your counsellor is asking about more session as you deserve the support which she has to offer. 

    I'm always here, if you ever want someone to talk to  <3 


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Eli444

    i dont think shes still not heard back on letting me have more sessions

    texted her today with "Hi. I know i probably shouldnt text you im sorry. I was wondering if before next session i could text some things i cant say and you could read before and then delete it?" 
    and she said "Hi Shevaun. If you feel that would help perhaps you could text me on Wednesday (the day before). I'm happy to work with you in whatever way you feel works best for you. Hope that sounds ok."

    now i shouldnt of said that caus i would have no idea what to say anything and how to word it. And shouldnt of asked lol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Aw im feeling better today. I was saying i have three sessions left including the one i have today. Counselling just finished and she said she still doesnt know about more sessions yet but would try really hard to get me more if they said no. But she just sent me a text and got an extra 8 sessions onto of my two left. So have 10 left 😊😊😊
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Counselling is going okay. Still hard to speak tbh but yeah. Spoke about managing in fates of abuse and i think i feel okay. Cause it used to trigger me cause i always thought about killing myself so he would realise and kill himself but she tells me recovery is best revenge so maybe not the best way and he might not kill him self anyway. 

    & Talked about public toilets and how i feel is shameful to do and i feel it's almost a sexual thing now so just like i wouldn't want people to hear me have sex and wouldn't want people to hear me wee incase it's their fetist and just lots of thoughts but know deep down it's not true. But cameras could be in public toilets
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    No. Im feeling really bad 😭😭😭😭😭. So stressed i have massive head ache and actually feeling hot and sick
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Help
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I cant breath properly and im feeling like im about to be sick 🤢
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie :) 

    Im sorry your finding things so roughy right now but it’s good to here you feel like Counseling is going okay .

    Have you tried to sit up against a wall with your back straight and legs bent up taking some deep breathes to help with your breathe ?

    i know you have been enjoying doing your puzzle so maybe try and do some more of that to take your mind of things and keep you distracted.

    Sending you big hugs 💕
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Shaunie are you alright and safe at the moment? If you're feeling particularly stressed out it might help you to just do some deep breathing exercises and focus on distracting yourself from what's stressing you out. Is there anything specific you want to talk about? If there's anything I can do to help please let me know. <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2020
    Thank you  millie and riley
    but feeling to sick to do my jigsaw. Dates of abuse make me wanna be sick. But i havent eaten today either so probably not helping (dont have any food). My breathingis better tho. I am safe
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Think i May be sick🤢 awful feeling
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    edited January 2020
    It’s good to hear your breathing is abit better 💕

    Im sorry you feel so poorly , have to had a google for Anyways to stop nausea ? I think I have a link somewhere if you would like it :) 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2020
    I feel bit less sick now thank you

    i think i need to relapse into anorexia. Well apperently i still restrict enough to have anorexia but id say its from lack of food cause i end up binge eating a lot secretly which costs me a lot. So to save me money i just need to not eat now and never binge eat cause i cant afford it and will be cheaper if i get into the mind set of being obsessed of losing weight and seeing the scale go down cause i feel agigated if i need to binge and i cant cause i have no money. For my own sanity i need to badly relapse
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Help me. I don't want to live
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM so stressed
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Feel like self harming every time i want to eat to distract
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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