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feel like im nearly dead *TRIGGER WARNING*

2

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Really sorry to see you were struggling yesterday Shaunie. How are you feeling today? 

    Glad to hear you are getting the extra counselling sessions, sounds like your counsellor is caring and really wants to help you. Sounded like that felt positive 💜 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Shaunie said:
    Feel like self harming every time i want to eat to distract
    Kinda like using distraction techniques for self harm - I wonder if you can use any of those? Hoping we can find something that makes you feel better rather than worse? 

    Even if it’s something small like counting to 10 and resetting (works for me with anger) or watching videos of funny animals (works for me with sadness) or going and finding Teddy and giving him a cuddle? Sorry if too simple and unhelpful but hoping you can find a go-to distraction if you need it, and if it makes you laugh or feel calm then all the better. 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 93 Budding Regular
    Hey @Shaunie,

    I hope you are okay, sending hugs ❤️❤️

    I’m here, if you ever want to talk x 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    Just dropping in to see how you are doing @Shaunie ? It sounds like you are having a tough time but you are working hard with your counsellor to get through it. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank youss but im not okay. 

    Had a shit weekend to say the least. Work was bad. I self harmed before work. I thought it was fine when i left but wasnt. So long story short.... my manager helped me bandage my self harm. Lowest of the lows. She doesnt even know i havent mental illness. And she was just about to go on her lunch. Probably put her off her lunch snd i feel so so bad and like she will judge me now and yeah just feel very bad. She was nice though. But i feel so awful about what she must think of me now
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    Sorry to hear your weekend wasn't great @Shaunie. Are you safe at the moment?

    It sounds like you had a tough time before work and that you are worried about what your manager might think.  You said you were worried about your manager judging you but it sounds like they made sure you were okay, you mentioned she came across as being nice. Has your manager spoken to you about what happened? If so, how did that conversation go?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2020
    Yeah she called me to her office half way through the day to Ask how im doing. And if my family know ect. I said yeah and that I'm Sorry. She said it's fine. And had to get me more things from first aid kit and then gave me their leaflet counselling for people in retail. 
    I am still feeling really really bad about it all😭. I care about what people think Of me
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm so sorry about what happened at work. It's understandable you're feeling bad about it :( I'm sure your manager feels concerned for you if anything, she won't judge you, but feeling that way is completely reasonable.

    I just wanted to check in and send loads of hugs. It sounds like things feel trash for you and again, we're always here if we can do anything - even if that's just supporting in specific ways or listening x
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2020
    Thank you all.  Im kinda dreading going going back to work on weekend. Shes not there everyweek so hopefully she wont be in

    i had counselling today i feel like its helping me slowly. She talked about how i coped on the dates and said been self harming and about my manger seeing it and i said about how i would want to know what he feels about what he did, now. And she said if he was sitting in this room (has just one extra chair apart from the ones we sit on) and she said what would you say to him. I said i don’t know id just wanna know what he would say. And then my stress levels got higher cause she was pretending he was in the room lol. And although was weird was getting stressed eventho he wasnt in the room. 

    So she started speaking to him lol and saying things like "im so so angry with you about what you did to shevaun" and inside i was like laughing cause  pretend stuff just make me laugh cause was an empty chair and was just like having load of thoughts and getting stressed the same time . And She said "at the very leat i would want to hit his legs" hahah. Then it kinda made me realise he was more at fault cause she seemed genuierly angry 

    If she didnt ask for more sessons it would of been the last one today but have 8 more now. She asked me how id feel if she tried to get more after the 8 sessons and said id feel bad for using that much time. But she said im important  she really wants to help and feel like going somewhere but need more time than the ususal amount. Then i wasnt sure what to say cause 8 extra is quite a lot added on in first place and other people deserve the help more
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It's great to hear you feel like counselling is helping you slowly. If you feel like you'd like more sessions after these eight left, go for it. You truly do deserve the help and there's no need to feel bad for using time, your wellbeing really matters to both you and others :)

    You're right that he was the one at fault. His actions were his responsibility. I hope your manager won't be in on the weekend too <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. My manager was in today. She called me to her office today and asked me how i was & what support i am getting and said counselling and she was just asking how my week was been and was realy nice. She said she sent me an email but i didnt see it cause i dont use that one anymore so then felt bad didnt see it. But we changed what my email says. And she was being really nice and saying i can speak to her. She seemed genuine so i don't think she would bitch about it. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Its positive to hear that your manager was supportive and genuine. I hope that that can be useful to you.  <3

    How has today been for you?  :)
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. Im feeling lot better today. Spent morning at peer gradute forum with peer tutor and 2 others who was on the training. Basically ones that arent in jobs yet and we talk about getting a job. Like interview application and shit. 

    Most of it felt like he was giving motivation to us. And saying we are qualified to be a peer worker and no reason we wouldnt be able to get a job. And that he believes in us and the people who also assessed us belives in us. Which is was saying a lot which was nice.  But yeah then was talking about how hard is to pass interview lol. 

    But was also saying because the NHS budget goes in April. They like to spend all their money in March. And that there will be a few jobs coming out next week cause theyre trying to spend all their money now recruiting new worker. All of which are going to be in a recovery college (my training was at the recovery college). And ive applied for a job with CAMOE. Which sounds less apealing then all the ones that are gunna come out. So im gunna apply for them all. And just hope my application is enough.

     But i did also felt bad cause the two other that came today have been through the process of apply and getting interviews just not getting the job but then there was me who looks like ive hardly put in any effort to even get an interview and barely applied. But will try apply for al the ones that come out. Would like a job in the recovery college
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    IM so sad
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @Shaunie

    It sounds like you are being really proactive on the job front which is great to hear. I understand it's not an easy process so you are doing so well. It would be good to keep us updated on how things go - we are all rooting for you :heart:

    I am sorry to hear today is more of a difficult day for you. Would you like to talk a bit more about how you are feeling? Take good care of yourself today and we are all here if we can help you in any way at all - just let us know :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I cried a lot in counselling so embarrassing. When get all snoty too hahah
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie 

    How you feeling today ? Crying in Counselling is something that’s quite common as I can imagine you was talking about some things that are emotional for .... in-fact yesterday I cried when I had a MH appointment , so it’s perfectly okay to cry 

    Do you think it helped to release some of the emotions that you had bottled up and kept inside ? 

    Hope your doing okay today <3
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I really want to kil myself. I don't know how much longer can keep myself safe. I used shout last night But my life is never going to improve
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    A single organ donor can save up to 8 lives. Why should i be alive when im worth nothing and i cant cope with this. I imagine when we die our souls Are reborn into another body. So why would i not want to die and leave this shit one
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Just wanted to send you some hugs and let you know we are here for you :heart:

    Did it help using shout last night? 

    Sorry to hear how you are feeling, your not alone and we all care about you a lot, you are a valued member of this community. :heart:

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I've been thinking loads About my own funeral. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    edited February 2020
    Hey @Shaunie I just wanted to check in, you mentioned that you are thinking about your own funeral which sounds quite distressing. Are you feeling safe at the moment? 

    Remember that the crisis helplines are always available to get into contact with if you feel that you are struggling to cope or if you feel you are going to act on your thoughts you can present as A+E. You are doing really well reaching out, and we are all looking out for you.  <3

    You may already be aware of them but here are the crisis support helplines:

    - Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 and talk to them about anything. 

    - Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. They also have some online services here. 

    - Papyrus have a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays. You can call them on 0800 068 4141. 


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I am safe yeah. Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    It's positive to hear that you are safe Shaunie, keep us updated with how things are going if you like  <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    How are you feeling today @Shaunie 💜
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    IM not too sure how I'm feeling tbh. But I've started writing what i eat, and how many calories And how many grams of sugar
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I feel like i deserve really bad stuff and pain and self harm and i feel so angry towards myself. IM getting no where in life and iwish i was someone else
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,577 Part of The Furniture
    edited February 2020
    Just wanted to drop in here @Shaunie and remind you that you're doing well. I know, when depression really has its hold on you, it's difficult to see a way out and it's difficult to see your progress. Hell, sometimes it's completely impossible to see those things. But you've achieved so much in the time you've been part of this community and you're continuing to do that every time you get out of bed.

    You're one of the biggest supporters of people on this community, you're a qualified peer support worker, you have a job and you're doing all of this while fighting your own demons. I'm not suggesting that means you're doing fine because I can tell you're in a lot of pain at the moment, I just want to highlight how much you're worth. You make people's lives better, and you make the world better.

    Even the 'small' things - when you take a moment to share a meme, tell us about something cool you did, or give someone a hug who needs it. These are all things you actively choose to do and be every day - they're the things that make you who you are. I don't wish you were someone else - I'm glad you're the Shaunie we know.

    You're doing well and you're being incredibly brave, Shaunie. Keep that spark of hope going and keep fighting. You deserve to find happiness just like anybody else, and I promise you'll get there.

    Edit: just noticed you're on a break from the boards. I assume/hope that's because you're not in the right headspace to be posting, and I want to say that's a healthy decision to make. We'll be here for you when you get back. :)
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @Shaunie

    Just dropping in to say ditto to everything @Mike wrote so eloquently above. We really value you here as one of the people that helps others the most. Hope you’ll let us know how you’re getting on when it’s the right time to come back 💜

    Take care
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2020
    Thank you @Mike and @Lucy307

    TW: suicide
    at the weekend i did something that i thought was going to kill me. Was a bit extreme but i thought i was going to die cause it sounds like you would. I did it thinking it would like kill me straight away. Didnt come to my head that it wouldnt. But yeah i didnt trll anyone. Next day i was still alive. rang 111 and they said i should be fine because of the questions they asked ect but said could go a&e jusy to be sure but i didnt.

    I am feeling a bit better since then tho. But my counsellor has canceled on me twice now so two weeks i havent seen her but yeah she has the flu so im not moaning but i am lol


    though i am pretty proud i didnt use this space in that time for crisis

    [edited by moderator to tweak content and add spoiler]
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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