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feel like im nearly dead *TRIGGER WARNING*

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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,312 Part of The Furniture
    edited March 2020
    It sounds like you had a really rough ride this weekend @Shaunie. I know I don't only speak for myself when I say I'm glad you're still alive - however planned or unplanned that was.

    It's important to talk and it's important to reach out. You're doing both of those things right now and sometimes that's the hardest thing in the world, so genuinely well done. It takes courage, resilience and hopefulness to keep going. You've got this.

    I'm mindful that the level of support you're looking for with those last couple of posts is more than the community can provide. It's important you get the right kind of support for your situation and, as far as this conversation goes, you can get the right kind of support from crisis services:


    To make sure the community doesn't worry for your safety, it's best if we keep the discussion of suicidal thoughts in this discussion healthily broad (i.e. avoiding mentions of time frames, possible outcomes of what you might do, how sure you are about doing something, etc). You said you're safe right now and that's a helpful thing for you to clarify but, as you might imagine, the things you've talked about here could still cause a lot of concern for you and your safety generally.

    We know that, if you're having suicidal thoughts and your daily life is being impacted by them, that means you're hurting and we can do our best to support you without needing to know more.

    I've also removed the last post in this conversation as it was a little too heavy for this space, and I've removed some of the detail around methods from the previous post and added a spoiler. You haven't done anything wrong - this is just one of those times where a mod changes something that may not be explicitly against the guidelines, just to be safe.

    It's reassuring to hear you've been feeling a bit better since the weekend. Even small improvements in your mood can make all the difference. And well done for ringing 111 when you needed to - that kind of thing is never easy. When are you expecting to see your counsellor next?

    You got this. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2020
    Thank you @Mike
    Im sorry. I should of worded it better. Im trying to keep myself safe, asked my dad if he can give me money for bus and am in town just sitting in centre to be safe and not going to go in parts of the shops where i can find things to harm myself. Glad ive gotten some fresh air at least. I should of maybe  of told 111 why i did it. Think was obvious but i still said im not suicidal was a self harm method but probably should of said the truth.  Was going to see my gp and tell them the truth but i dont think theres much support they could offer so no point. Idk if i would say i feel suicudal like right now cause im trying to keep myself safe but those thoughts are really there if makes sense. Probably not Ah

    i see my counsellor next thursday
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    I really wish i could come here and say im feeling a lot better and have a job as a peer support worker and use this less for support And only to support others but feels like that would never happen and im scared im annoying to still feel this way cause looks like im not trying hard enough & want to feel this shit. But i really think would help me if i could get rid of these embarrassing problems and feel less anxious and shit
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    Hey shaunie 

    Honestly it just takes time and whilst you're  taking these steps in the right direction to do things, you'll benefit from in the long run, it will also allow you to gain those resilient muscles.  And before you know it, you'll be having more good days than bad days. Though I must say, you have to reach absolute rock bottom first lol

    It's took me from the age of 16 to 23 to get to place of mostly peace. You're still growing and it's absolutely okay to not feel instantly better. I definitely can see how far you've come 💜 the peer support thing is deffo your calling, you've offered more support than I have and you're soo good at it. I genuinely belive it otherwise I wouldn't be saying it. 

    Your "embarrassing problem" sounds like the next thing on your radar to tackle and it's really good that you can acknowledge it.

    Going into therapy or with the objective of tackling this problem head on might open the doors to do so. Tell them what you want out of and make sure that you're heard 💛

    Baby steps 💗

    Salix
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you salix <3

    I applied for a job in peterborough (where i live) for peer support worker job. I didnt get interview. I used exact same cover letter for job in wisbech cause i just wanted to see. Wisbech is not far but travel momey is a lot. Got an interview though which is suprising lol now i don’t know what to do

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    I think i will go to the interview just for experience. 
    I wont get the job anyway. Never been to a three person panel interview. Just Dont even have the money for travel lol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Ffs the interview is on the day my counselling is on. And i dont want to cancel counselling 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Also was going to try to claim universal credit. Lol no point in that. The standard amount is £251 I get paid exactly that so would get nothing lol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2020
    Confirmed the job interview. Its on the 19th.

     My counsellor said its fine to cancel one and wont make difference to the amount of sessions. Dont really want the actual job cause so expensive for travel and far
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Ive been looking at how much it would cost me to get bus there. And not that much more expensive compared to getting a bus to work. But my dad pays for that atm. He pays £60 a month but if wanna work in wisbech would be £84 or £100 for everyday for a month. Thats if ive looked at the right thing

    its a part time of 22.5 hours so three days its only tempt for 2 12 months which i think means 2 years? nd i kinda want the job now But i don’t know cause of embarrassing things but kinda been getting less. And i don’t know if one is paraniod so hard 

    So if anyone knows any interview questions and what not. Please help ah
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    💩 don’t want the job anyway   Would take like 3 hours to get there on a bus unless pay more. Why cant it be near me Still gunna try for the interview ofc cause probably wouldn't get it cause ive never been to peer support worker interview
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Does anyone give a shit
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie
    Shaunie said:
    I really wish i could come here and say im feeling a lot better and have a job as a peer support worker and use this less for support And only to support others but feels like that would never happen and im scared im annoying to still feel this way cause looks like im not trying hard enough & want to feel this shit. But i really think would help me if i could get rid of these embarrassing problems and feel less anxious and shit

    You’ve definitely done this already when you’ve been feeling ok, and you’ll have more of these good days 💜 love what Salix has said above too. Totally understand that you are trying, you’re not annoying in the slightest, we’re always rooting for you. 

    You are such a massive support to others on this forum already no matter what you’ve been going through yourself. 

    Do you wanna talk any more about what you’re finding embarrassing? 

    I’m gonna post again to talk to you about your interview in a sec - I know the one I’m replying to is not the latest but wanted to chip in here first. 

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Congrats on getting an interview - it shows you that your application must have gone down well. Think it’s a really good idea to still go to the interview even if you’re not certain on the job location, as you say it’s really good experience either way. 

    Sounds like 2 12 months would be temporary 2 year contracts unless they need 2 people for 12 months each? Either way a year is a long time so still good. 

    I think for interview questions they’ll definitely ask why you want to work there and in the job you’ve applied for. You obviously have a passion for (and are good at) peer support so this will hopefully come across. They might also ask you about your experience of support or give you scenarios and ask what you would do in them? I can imagine it’ll be pretty similar to the course you went on for peer support work which you should be pretty confident in as it sounds like you did really well during the course. 

    Are you nervous / excited about it? Have you planned the day like how you’ll get there and what you’ll wear etc 

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    ConnorConnor Deactivated Posts: 508 Incredible Poster

    If you can get to the interview and back safely @shaunie then it could be a good opportunity. You mentioned in another post that you want to be a peer support worker if I remember correctly? Just as you highlighted above, it has the potential to be good experience for future interviews! If it’s possible, you can also ask for feedback after the interview as well. 


    @Lucy307 mentioned some interview questions above, have you managed to find any questions or think of anything they might ask? 


    A journey of three hours is a decent length of time, but the fact you’re willing to try and get to the interview anyway shows perseverance, I hope the journey to and from the place goes well.

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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Congrats on getting the interview @Shaunie

    We have a few articles on The Mix about preparing for interviews (not sure if you've looked already), hopefully some of these could help:
    https://www.themix.org.uk/work-and-study/getting-a-job/job-interview-tips-1218.html
    https://www.themix.org.uk/work-and-study/getting-a-job/how-to-interview-for-a-job-1217.html
    https://www.themix.org.uk/work-and-study/getting-a-job/how-do-i-prepare-for-an-interview-2284.html

    Wishing you the best of luck :)
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2020
    Thank you @Lucy307 @Connor and @Hann

    im not going to cancel the interview. The interview is still where i live. I think because they havent completly sorted out the recovery college there yet. Cause will be a new thing in wisbech. 
    The worst that can happen is a i dont get tbe interview and the person who did my whole training for a peer support worker is on the panel (my peer tutor) so he knows i can be shy but i can still push myself sometimes to speak in groups. Tho i do rather a job with support people indivual not in a massive group so i wont be upset if i dont get it lol. Cause PST I there im sure he would make a judgement on if im not the right person for it. Which probably not then lol. 
    They do give feedback for every interview tho


    I do actually have a list of questions of one peer support worker job. I know for every question you need atleast three valid points. 

    I think these questions maybe not what i get asked because its less 121. So not sure what other questions they could ask

    hopefuly i can share this


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    ConnorConnor Deactivated Posts: 508 Incredible Poster
    edited March 2020
    When I went for my past support worker role, a few of those questions cropped up in the interview @Shaunie Especially the question relating to conflict, and conflict management. Preparing for the interview by looking into questions and what to expect is good, there's a less chance of being surprised on the day! 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks. Dont suppose you can remember any other sort of questions they could ask? @Connor or know any example of conflict in work ah? 

    And i had counselling this morning. 
    My counsellor asked me if i want to get better. I said yeah obviously, and she said "is it obvious?" and i said yeah? 
    I don’t know why we even had this conversation. Obviously i want to get better why would she ask ?
    I go to counselling every week i can. And i take my meds even tho i actually hateee swallowing pills. And ive been applying for jobs. 
    Why do people even ask that? 

    I do know some people get comfortable with how they feel and sometimes theres some comfor in what you know even if that is depression. And scared of the unknown. But even then they dont want to be comfortable with that. And i think i used to be in that mindset and im doing things more to help myself now


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    TW***

    and i told her what i did at the weekend. The thing that i thought was going to kill me but didnt. / tried to end my life but i didnt so its just pretty much was just self harm. 
    And she said at the start when talking about confidenality and feel like sometimes when she really concerned she will ring my doctor. She said she feels its nessacary to do that because what i did is apperently really dangerous yet clearly not cause im alive and didnt even go hospital. And she said that i was really lucky jt didnt hurt me in ways that it could do a different time i might try it. 
    But i think ive convinced her i dont need extra support.  And that im feeling better since then. But then she started comparing me to my mum and how my mum doesnt want extra support. Like omg never compare me to her in anyway.

    but yeah we did have one useful convo today ahout abuse. But most of it felt like i was convicing her not to tell my gp. I feel bad that she think i dont want to get better when i do.  
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Thanks. Dont suppose you can remember any other sort of questions they could ask? @Connor or know any example of conflict in work ah? 

    And i had counselling this morning. 
    My counsellor asked me if i want to get better. I said yeah obviously, and she said "is it obvious?" and i said yeah? 
    I don’t know why we even had this conversation. Obviously i want to get better why would she ask ?
    I go to counselling every week i can. And i take my meds even tho i actually hateee swallowing pills. And ive been applying for jobs. 
    Why do people even ask that? 

    I do know some people get comfortable with how they feel and sometimes theres some comfor in what you know even if that is depression. And scared of the unknown. But even then they dont want to be comfortable with that. And i think i used to be in that mindset and im doing things more to help myself now


    Hey shaunie

    It sounds like to me she asking as a way of understanding what doing well means for you so that maybe when you're in times of need she can help shine some light. Also I think you've been showing some great self awareness there.😉

    Im so so relieved to hear that you're okay because it sounds like thinks could have ended differently. Letting the Gp know may also be a way of forming new safety nets to help keep you safe. We'll done for opening up about the attempt and your abuse, it couldn't have been easy.


    You've got this 🌟
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Salix_alba_2019

    i texted her to tell her im a bit offended. 
    I said "Heyy,  probably not allowed to text you to just ask about this. So its fine if dont want to reply or cant but cant wait two weeks to ask cause on my mind a little. Cause im a little bit offended. Ive just been wondering why you asked me if i want to get better? Im not sure why it was a question and why its not obvious that i want to get better. Was you asking because you think i dont try hard enough? Just been over analayising what you meant. Sorry"

    she sent back 
    "Hi Shevaun. I'm so sorry if I caused you offence. It certainly wasnt intentional. Thank you for having the courage to bring it to my attention. I know you are trying very hard and want to get better. Perhaps we can talk about it properly when I see you in two weeks. Is that ok?"

    so didnt really explain much lol
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    StephanieStephanie Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie,

    Just checking in to see how you are doing? :heart:

    Sending lots of hugs :smile:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

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