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I dont know what to do (possible TW)

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  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 704 Super Moderator
    Sending hugs :heart:

    It's positive that you have reached out for support, do you feel able to answer his questions? :heart:


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Millie2787

    I just wanted to send you a hug <3 

    It sounds like you're struggling a lot today, anniversary's are so tough and I know today has been on your mind a lot recently. Like Stephanie said, you've done really well to reach out to Crisis Messenger today. I'm sorry the person isn't very helpful. Try not to let this prevent you from reaching out to them again. They have lots of volunteers if you want to try them again later. Hopefully the next person will be more helpful :) 

    It's really nice to hear about your memories of your nan. She sounds so lovely! Something that can be nice to do is write down these memories on pieces of paper, fold them up and put them in a jar so you can read through them when you're missing her. I'm sorry your sisters aren't keen on the balloon idea, do you think they would be interested in something environmentally friendly like planting a tree or some flowers to remember your nan? 

    We're here for you today <3


    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    @Stephanie @Aife if I’m honest he’s really shit and it’s making me feel like I shouldn’t be using them - like I said how I struggle with trust and his response was Fair enough and then went on to say how there always there for me. All the other times I’ve spoken to someone after like 20 minutes they say ohh we’ve been talking a while would you like to tell me your name , we’ve been talking nearly 45 minutes and he hasn’t said that and it’s just making me feel worse , I thought the whole idea was to help us feel that bit better not make us feel worse 

    And when I said I was overwhelmed about NaN dying he didn’t really go into it just sent me a link to a App “to help me process it “ and it just makes me think I shouldn’t be using it and he can’t be bothered to reply 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Now he’s closed the conversation and I’m just feeling even shitter and even more overwhelmed that I was before 😭
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Aife
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 782 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @Millie2787

    Just dropped by to send hugs. I can really relate to you missing your Nan, I lost mine a couple years back and go through waves of really deep sadness and nostalgia thinking about her. Also I chuckled when I read that your nan had a spare room with creepy porcelain dolls in it because so did mine!! How they ever thought those dolls were cute is beyond me :grin: 

    I'm sorry that you're hurting and that the Crisis guy wasn't very helpful - doesn't mean you should give up hope as he sounds like a one-off - please keep talking to us and Crisis if you can try again. 

    Wishing you all the best <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    😔 back to college on Monday and I really am dreading it , I’ve got so much work still do to and I've come to the realisation it’s best I do Health and social care in September becuase after the scan today the woman could see any obvious cysts on my right ovary she couldn’t see my left though said if there was a cysts there than she would of seen it so she suggested it could be endometriosis so she’s going to send the report to the gp and I’m going to have to see where there go with it 

    I’m still getting little sleep I’m just so agitated over the fact i feel like someone watching me that I spend 20 minutes trying to close my curtains so there’s no gaps and if I notice one when I’m back in bed then o just lay there agitated and scared someone’s watching me but to scared to move to get up and try and close them again.

    the thoughts are still there and I’ve been finding really difficult to not give into the self harm urges these past few weeks .

    i just feel like such a failure :(
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,874 Supreme Poster
    Huggss. Sorry i dont have much to say but youre not a failure

    hope you get a clear reason to why youre in pain soon and that youre feeling better today
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Here comes me moaning again :(

    Beth made me do a "What does Recovery look like in me " because she said we have been talking for a while now weekly and we need to start thinking about next steps because i'm coming up to 18 and CAMHS isn't going to be there forever and it might be i need some support form Adult services for a little bit but we need to start thinking about it now. She drew me and then wrote different areas like college and thoughts and My personaitonly traits and i had to think about what being better looks like in each of those areas and what will be kept the same - but i not ready to think about that , im not ready to start doing things alone because that scares me knowing i might have to do things by myself . 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Aife
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 704 Super Moderator
    Hey Millie :heart:

    Sending hugs 

    It's normal to feel scared when something changes, how are you feeling today? 

    It's positive to see you reaching out for support on here, we will always be here for you, that wont change. You are a very valued member of the community here :heart:

    Maybe it's worth chatting to Beth a bit more about what support adult services can offer you, that way you may get a better idea of what to expect. Sending hugs 

    Remember we are here for you, :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Everything is literally just going to shit. I just feel like I’ve gone completely back to square one with everything and I really don’t think I have the engery to fight everything all over again .

    The Ed voice has subsided and I manage to “put him in his box “ but over the weekend I was ill and not eating and other things meant he was thriving and now he’s back I’m back to my old behaviour and I hate to admit it but I really missed having him there :( 

    Ive been finding it really hard not to give into the SH urges , just everything’s gets so overwhelming and I really don’t know what to do I have so many distractions but I just feel like I can’t :( 

    Im just so tired of everything and I’m too scared to tell Beth becuase I don’t want her to think less of me 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Just hate myself so much I’m horrible and disgusting and ugly and fat and just hate the way I look in the mirror 😔
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Sorry I don't reply to this thread much - I often feel I'd be bombarding you a bit, seeing as we talk in PMs. But I do read your posts and really sympathise, and I'm happy to reply if it's not bothering you <3

    I can really hear how bad things are:( It sounds like you're feeling very distressed and tired - would you say that?

    The Ed voice has subsided and I manage to “put him in his box “ but over the weekend I was ill and not eating and other things meant he was thriving and now he’s back I’m back to my old behaviour and I hate to admit it but I really missed having him there :(
    I think it's understandable how not eating and things made him come back. I can imagine that would be triggering for me if I was in your position. Do you want to talk about what your feelings are behind having missed him (e.g., it's comforting to have him there as it makes you feel in control)?

    Im just so tired of everything and I’m too scared to tell Beth becuase I don’t want her to think less of me 
    Aww, she won't think any less of you - if anything, I think she'd be glad you told her <3

    Just hate myself so much I’m horrible and disgusting and ugly and fat and just hate the way I look in the mirror 😔
    I can definitely relate to this. You're wonderful and I think pretty. It's sad to see you hating yourself that much, you don't deserve it.

    We're here for you. I think you're really strong.

    Sending tons of hugs <3
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Hey @kathleen0172

    Don't worry about bombarding me , its nice to know that you call care for me , when i feel like my own family don't.

    I can really hear how bad things are:( It sounds like you're feeling very distressed and tired - would you say that?
    Yer i guess i would, I guess i'm so tired of being so overwhelmed with things, with feeling like this all of the time.Just feels like things are never going to get better because when things start to get better something comes along and ruins it.

     Do you want to talk about what your feelings are behind having missed him (e.g., it's comforting to have him there as it makes you feel in control)?
    I don't really know i guess i did find him comforting. Helped me feel in control when i felt like everything that was going wrong, it was the one thing i had control over.I feel like when he was quiet , things got all overwhelming and distressing again but its almost like when hes back somethings changes , to be honest i don't really know what i'm trying to say.
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Aw, I'm glad to know I'm not bombarding you. And we all care a lot for sure, and this place wouldn't be the same without you :-3

    I don't blame you for feeling tired of being overwhelmed with things. It does sound overwhelming :-(

    For what it's worth, I definitely believe things will get better. Do you know what your ideal life would be? If you can picture what you'd like to change or do, whether that's a lot of things or just getting rid of one of your bad feelings, seems easy or impossible, that can help you think of paths forward. Something ruining it when things do start looking up sounds like a really hopeless experience <3

    I don't really know i guess i did find him comforting. Helped me feel in control when i felt like everything that was going wrong, it was the one thing i had control over.I feel like when he was quiet , things got all overwhelming and distressing again but its almost like when hes back somethings changes , to be honest i don't really know what i'm trying to say.
    What you describe makes sense <3 I think when you feel helpless or like everything's going wrong, it's natural to want to have control over something - which can lead to things like this. Do you think needing control was how he started, or...?

    It must be really hard to be you right now. You're not alone <3
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    I just wish i could change who i was , i hate the way i look, i'm ugly and fat and disgusting and i really wish i could just change all of that. I just feel so numb that i literally don' know what to do anymore. I just feel like i don't know how to make it better anymore.
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    I’m attucally emontional exsaughted That I don’t know what to do anymore . Just letting all the voices take control of my life becuase I don’t have the engery to fight anymore , I’ve barley eaten the last few days , I hate the way I look I’m disgusting and I can’t stop SH . I think I might take a break from here and trying and work out how shits gojng . So yer I just really don’t know anymore 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Aife
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Millie2787 it's been a couple days since you last posted I just wanted to ask how you're feeling? I hope you're feeling a little better after taking a break from here :) 

    I know it can be really hard wanting to change lots of things about ourselves. Try and be kind to yourself, you're doing the best you can and it's not easy to fight through these feelings <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Hi @Aife

    Didnt want to leave you I’m Limbo so I quickly popped on . I’m still in a break well I didn’t really start it till yesterday. I think I’m going to be a way awhile, maybe forever I don’t know - just don’t feel like I belong or wanted here anymore  Sorry :(

     I need time to try work through things I’ve got going on and I think I maybe need to do that myself.

    Im still doing pretty horrible , just anything I’m wearing I just look so fat and horrible and it’s obviously others can see it when there calling it me too. 

    If im honest I’ve just given up fighting everything now , letting the ED voice dictate my life - what I eat what I wear. Just don’t have the engery to fight or the belief that it’s ever going to get better so I guess what’s the point fighting something that’s just isn’t going to get better 

    I guess this probs wasn’t the response you were expecting so yer I’m sorry :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    AifeKathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru


    So found out why Beth has been talking about discharge soo soon . She said to me today she’s leaving at the end July and she wanted to tell me last week but couldn’t bring herself to do it when I was already upset about discharge. I just burst out crying and I’m trying not to cry in the bus now , I thought I had till December to handle discharge I thought I had so much more time , I don’t know what to do , I don’t know who to go to 😭 knew I shouldn’t have gone this week I knew it 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Hey Aimee,

    I'm really sorry to hear Beth's leaving at the end of July :( It must be incredibly hard for you.

    I'm hearing you'll have to be discharged when she leaves, is that right? If so, do you know if you're being referred to anywhere else?

    It seems that you're feeling really not ready for this <3 That's understandable. It sounds like you may be feeling alone and abandoned, that the sessions mean a lot to you and you don't know how to cope without that support. Would you say that, or is it a bit different?

    I know this probably isn't of much comfort, but I just wanted to say that you'll never be alone. So many people care and there is help available x

    Sending all the love,
    Kathleen <3
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    edited May 2019
    Indeed , I’ll be discharged when she goes becuase by the time they’ve found a new worker it will be time for me to be discharged again becuase of being 18 in December . I don’t think she’s referring me anywhere else either becuase she hasn’t mentioned it .

    I guess your right and one of the huge things that Stands out for me if that I don’t know how to cope without her , she’s played  such a major part in my support even if I did moan about her and it’s breaking my heart that she’s going and I’m going so soon :( 


    Im just scared that I’ll be ok for a few months and then something will happen which means I’m back to square one again . 

    It just feels like it all happening so soon becuase now shes seeing me fortnightly it means I only have 4 more sessions with her to start winding down as she called it.

    im worried aswelll on what the autism assessment will entail that she’s referring me for , we’re doing the referral form together  but I’m scared on what the actual process will involve and things like that 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi

    I just wanted to check in and ask how you are today? <3

    It definitely sounds like Beth leaving and you being discharged is a really tough thing for you :disappointed: Do you think you'd like to ask Beth if there's anywhere she can refer you (though I know that doesn't fix Beth not being there)?

    Sending you loving hugs buddy <3
    Kathleen
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Hey Bud <3

    Wish I could say things are better but im still really struggling. I feel so stupid I feel like someone is dying . It honestly hurts that much .

    I don’t know what to do anymore everything’s just falling apart and I can’t rebuild it . Feel like giving up now becuase every time I have Beth now it’s going to hurt knowing I’m getting closer to saying goodbye. 

    Adult services won’t have me till I’m 18 so there’s no point :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Hey Aimee,

    I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling so much <3 There's no need to feel stupid, your feelings are totally valid and reasonable.

    I can imagine everything falling apart would make me feel hopeless and helpless :( What kind of feeling is it - like, is it that bad things keep happening, that you're very unhappy and don't know how to fix it, or something different?

    To give you your own kind encouragment, you're doing amazing <3

    Love,
    Kathleen x
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Just things keep going wrong and I don’t know how to fix it . It’s like I have a big sign saying “ Bad shit come to me” . I’ll have a day every once in a while that’s good and I think that things are looking up and then it all just hits me again and makes me feel even worse. 

    Just makes me think what did I ever do wrong for all of this to happen. 

    But i deserve it all , I deserve all the pain and suffering , I deserve to hate myself , I deserve to had a ED and I desvere to hurt myself and live with the scars and pain becuase I deserve everything I get .
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    I’m hurting so much and I don’t know what to do :( 

    Had such a lovely conversation with someone from Crisis early this morning but I’m still tired of all of this abd it just hurts .

    im stuck on who to turn to anymore 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,874 Supreme Poster
    Hugs @Millie2787

    youre doing really great to seek support from crisis and from here. 

    Sound like youre being really hard on your self. Sometimes our negative thoughts can become automatic so it can be hard to try to change or challenge them. 

    What sort of things have gone wrong?

    Were all here for you. let us know how we can support
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    @Shaunie Beth leaving has really hurt , eating is making my physical pain worse , people don’t seem to care I just seem to be a massive inconvenience , lost mum in Tesco for 20 minutes yesterday and just feel like I can’t do this all anymore 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 3,222 Boards Guru
    Sorry to spam 

    Im just so tired of everything now :( It’s exsaughting day in day out and the only reason I’m still here is becuase I can’t bear to leave my Lou 😔
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Aife
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Millie2787

    I've just been reading through your last couple of posts and I can really hear how much you're hurting. Losing support is never easy and I'm sorry they won't find you any more support when Beth leaves. It sounds like you're struggling a lot and I'm really sorry they can't do anything until you're 18. When is your next session with Beth?

    I was wondering if you'd thought about trying counselling with The Mix? I think webchat counselling has closed for the moment, but telephone counselling is still open if that's something you wanted to try? If you're interested, you can sign up here. If you'd like to try webchat counselling I can let you know when they are open again. :) 

    I also just wanted to say that we'll always be here for you anytime you want to talk <3

    Stay strong <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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