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I dont know what to do (possible TW)

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  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    kathleen0172 said:
    Aw <3 Remember there's no pressure, you don't have to tell her - but if you want to, I think that's a good step. Well done, and you can get through this.

    I get not being able to find the right words - happens with me.
    @kathleen0172 just really feel like it’s time to tell her because it’s killing me to keep fighting each day :(

    Still can’t write this bloody letter 4 times I’ve scrunched it up ând chucked it away becuase I just can’t get it write but I know if I don’t write it I can’t tell her any other way 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    You're doing a positive thing <3

    Hmm, you'll get there. I'd say to try not to worry too much. Do you need any suggestions on phrasing it? Feel free to message me or do it here if so - I can't write for you of course, but I'm happy to at least try to help :)
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    edited March 2019
    @kathleen0172

    It doesn’t feel like I am At the moment :(

    i don’t even know what I want to say or how to phrase it or anything - all I know is that if I don’t write this then she’s not going to know because i just can’t say it verbally 😐 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aww mate :(

    What do you want to tell her - generally about how you're feeling at the mo, or about the suicidal thoughts you've mentioned...? And do you want to include how you've been scared to tell her?

  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    @kathleen0172 I don’t really know to be honest buddy , don’t worry about helping me . It’s ok I’ll work it out ❤️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Sure - but I'm here if you change your mind. Good luck with it all bud <3
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    Well I never wrote the letter I kept trying but just couldn’t find the right words to explain what’s going on so looks like I’m going to have to suck it up and find the confidence to tell Beth though doubt I will.

    She wants to refer me for a Autism assessment but I don’t really know what to do because she’s saying she thinks I have some autistic traits but then the few people I’ve spoke to about it ha e said they don’t think I have and that’s its my Anxiety so I’m like your all confusing me by saying different things.

    my mind just feels so confused I’ve got so many different things going around and just can’t seem to pinpoint one 😥
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    edited March 2019
    I’m never telling her anything ever again - I was honest about how much I’m struggling and she nearly rang my mum she knows how much that scared me and then asked if she can get another person in the room to check she was asking all the right questions and I shouted at her no and had a panic attack , I kept hidying behind the cushion and she kept asking me to put it down and I wouldn’t and now im scared that she’s still going to ring mum and mums going to shout at me if she finds out 😭
    Post edited by Millie2787 on
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Oh Aimee, that's terrible. :( I'm truly so sorry. Sending hugs <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2019
    Sorry to hear that Aimee. It sounds like Beth really cares tho and wants to help which is nice but understand how would make you feel. It is great you are reaching out for support from her though. And you explained how you feel on here well -  so hope you can tell Beth how you feel. And that her nearly ringing your mum wont put you off too much

    How you feeling today ?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    @Shaunie things aren’t great I haven’t been to placement today I barley slept for like 2 and half hours and I’m still a mess from yesterday.theres still that worry that’s shes going to ring mum 😐 Self harm urges are pretty intense it’s been over a week since I’ve done anything so I’m trying really hard not to do anything. 

    So yer  still pretty much a mess really 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Millie2787 said:
    @Shaunie things aren’t great I haven’t been to placement today I barley slept for like 2 and half hours and I’m still a mess from yesterday.theres still that worry that’s shes going to ring mum 😐 Self harm urges are pretty intense it’s been over a week since I’ve done anything so I’m trying really hard not to do anything. 

    So yer  still pretty much a mess really 
    Thats okay. You are doing well. <3

    its totally understandable how you feel about them telling your mum. I remember when i was with Camhs and they used to tell my parents- i thought it was the end of the world lol - & though their reaction was never the best - just the fact they knew and was aware of something -felt somewhat supportive - idk if that makes sense.
    And knowing you havent done anything wrong is imporntant. So if your mum was to shout at you- it would not be your fault

    Did you manage to tell Beth about how a&e made you feel?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    @Shauine yer that was one of the first things I told her and she said it was strange how safe and how the thoughts stopped when I was there - it was around midway through the session when I changed and stopped talking she asked what was wrong becuase I was talking so well at the beginning off the session and whilst we looked at core belifes . I dunno I just get that feeling of not wanting to go back next week and I know she’ll wanna talk about what happended in Monday’s session next week ☹️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    What are core beliefs? Just thoughts you have of yourself or? Its good that you have someone to see and talk with every week though. Do you know why you stopped talking half way through?(dont have to say obvs Ah)

    You could tell her you dont wanna speak about it - when you see her on monday? Dont let it put you off being open to her tho - just gues be mindful that she probably will ring your mum if you said something that made you at harm. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    @shaunie ahhh there kinda hard to explain so I’ll try 😂 there things that you form when you younger that you grow up and live you life by. There normally formed after an experience or something so for me one of mine is that I’m worthless that’s possibly come from when I was bullied in primary.

    ahhhh this probs explains it better - 
    Core beliefs, develop over time, usually from childhood and through the experience of significant life events or particular life circumstances. Core beliefs are strongly-held, rigid, and inflexible beliefs that are maintained by the tendency to focus on information that supports the belief and ignoring evidence that contradicts it.

    umm im not really sure why I did I can’t really remember 😂 I know we were thinking about situations to disprove that core belief of “im worthless” and I was finding it really hard and that’s when I started hidying behind the coushion and she picked up on my behaviour change and asked what was wrong becuase she could see that I was struggling with something and I guess it when from there of her saying things trying to guess what was up and me nodding and shaking my head - it’s kinda strange when I’m in that almost state I can’t speak to verbalise anything so I end up shaking nodding , showing numbers in my fingers etc I can just about get out a tiny whisper of scared when she asks why I can’t tell her 😂
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    I’m really not looking forward to Beth in Monday after last week I dunno I feel like the trust is going again even though she didn’t ring my mum :(  I’m tempted to just not go becuase I don’t even have to be in college on Monday so it would be silly for me to get 2 buses for something I’m really not in the mood for . 

    The thoughts are still pretty intense and it’s really hard to keep fighting them off all the time . I is one Exsugahted jelly bean ( don’t ask becuase I don’t know where that came from 😂) 

    Not feeing too great today I had a Sh relapse in the early hours of the morning so I’m feeling pretty shitty after not doing anything for 2 weeks and then have had 2 panic attacks one after the one this evening - it’s like Lord give me a break ! 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @Millie2787

    It sounds like it's been a really tough week for you, how are you feeling today? 

    I'm sorry to hear how intense the thoughts have been for you, it sounds really exhausting to be fighting them all the time. Try not to think of your Sh relapse as a set back, remember this is all part of recovery and you are still doing really well. You're so strong Millie and it was really positive you felt able to be open with Beth last week. I know you mentioned things didn't go well after you were honest about how much you're struggling, but try not to forget how much progress you made opening up. It's not easy to share these things so really well done for finding that strength. I really hope your next session tomorrow goes okay if you decide to go, hopefully something positive will come out of what you shared <3

    I hope you're feeling a little better today, stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @Aife

    im really not doing ok today finding mother’s day really difficult this year and the thoughts are showing no sign of let up. I’m just tired of it all now :(
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I hope it goes okay seeing Beth today. @Millie2787  <3

    I used to be really hard at commincating how i felt too and everytime the support was ending i must of regretted not being open because i used to just end up saying it all at the end. So basically i mean you maybe more likely regret not being open - more than regret being open cause youre definetly worthy so i am sorry you have those thoughts.

    Dont let last week put you off being open to her. Everyone just wanna helps you get best support so if she does tell your mum - which may be unlikely unless in real danger - it will only be to help. 

    Sorry you wasnt doing so well yesterday. Hope today is lil bit better & hope got some rest
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    edited April 2019
    Thank you @Shaunie

    Turns our im going to have to ring and cancel Beth anyways becuase I’ve got to have my niece after school and my bus home from town isn’t until 2:50 and she finished school st 3 and would be back to the house for quater past so it would be cutting it to fine , kinda wanted to go this week becuase if going to London overnight this weekend coming I wanted to talk through some things with that are worrying me With it, i also was going to try and brave talking to her about the Maybe obsession i have with checking my HR on my Fitbit but guess I can’t now 

    Meh Still Same Shit different day to be honest I’m just scared that it’s going to become the Norm for me to be this shit all the time becuase if I’m honest maybe I’ll losing hope of that things will get better :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    Managed to get my niece in after school club so I was able to go to Beth. Of course she started the session about wanting to talk about the thoughts- she realised I wasn’t ready to so we carried on with something different and she said she understood it’s hard for me to verbalise things when it’s gojng deep down into my into my inner thoughts. She’s happpy I’m safe for this week so at least there’s no worry of her telling mum 😂

    Spoke about how I’m worried about eating over the weekend but she said that it will be ok and that I just need to try and pick food I’m comfortable with eating and not to push myself to far :) 

    so i suppose today session was ok , did go as bad as last week and I feel like maybe I’m gaining for trust with her again .
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @Millie2787 really well done for going today <3

    I'm really glad to hear the session went okay and she didn't push you to talk about the thoughts you've been having. It can be so important to have that trust in these sessions.

    Spoke about how I’m worried about eating over the weekend but she said that it will be ok and that I just need to try and pick food I’m comfortable with eating and not to push myself to far  

    Really well done for talking about this. How are you feeling about this weekend after talking things through with Beth?

    Well done again <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    @Aife aww thank you 😊 

    Hmm I’m still pretty anxious becuase obvs London is a big busy place and we have to get tubes from where we’re staying into central London so that’s another thing I haven’t done before  haha but as long as I can kepe myself relatively calm and one of the workers who had worked with me quite closely is going so she knows all my Kinda warning signs of things are getting too much.

     As for eating the worker who’s worked closely with me knows about how I struggle with my eating aswell so she’s aware about all of that. I think as long as I stick to the foods I know I’m comfortable with ( welll slightly outside my comfort zone becuase I’m sure most pubs and restaurants don’t do Instant chicken noodles 😉) 

    But yeah other than my brain thinking of every possibly outcome that could go wrong and some of them are brutal but other than that I’m looking forward to it my care role is really taking its tole this past week or so , so it will be good to just have a few days rest with Friends and Some very loopy workers - I may come back with some funny stories to tell you all about one of them.

    Thank you for caring when im pretty down i think that no one cares or belive me that things are getting worse ❤️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey @Millie2787

    we all care and try to hear you - tho idk how you feel specifcally but does sound stressful and am sad when I read youre not feeling that good & worried about you. But was nice to read about how your session with beth went.  

    Glad youre having a break from you carer role for the weekend tho sounds like could do with some time to spend away? I hope your weekend at London goes as okay as it can and is always great you have someone who will know so can support you if things get a bit too much. 

    Eat what feel comfortable with and enjoy your alternatives to Instant chicken noodles - might find something better ahah. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @shauine

    Thank you so much I think when I’m not in a good place that’s the main things that run around my head that know one cares.

    My god yes I need this break especially after last night with both mum and Leo kicking off and also getting bit and hit and kicked by him I’m legit a breaking point so I’m like Saturday to hurry up and come. 
    So today hasn’t been great becuase if it ive been zoning out a lot and just shattered with 20 2-5 year olds they’ve been doing my nut in and then of course you kee getting the staff asking if I’m ok and I’m just like yet tired 

    yer the workers lovely and the other one is loopy so can always count on them to cheer me up. 

    Nothing is is better than Chicken noodles lol 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    edited April 2019
    I guess things aren’t going too good . I just seem to be not getting a break from anything :(

    The thoughts and anxiety aswell as my pain meant I wasn’t in college yesterday, I phoned in Sick at placement today and I doubt I’ll be in college tomorrow. Placement seem to be getting really funny with me when I phone in I’ll now , when she did my termly report last week she put my attendance was satisfactory when before she placed it as excellent so I don’t know what’s going on there and when I ring up the receptionist gets really start with me saying what’s attucally wrong. My anxiety is got to the point where I can’t really leave the house so I don’t have a clue how I’m going to cope on the weekend and that’s even if I end up going becuase if this pain is still here I don’t know weather I’ll be able to go. 

    Im just so tired of everything being so shit lately 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    edited April 2019
    Hey there @Millie2787 just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today.

    I'm sorry to hear you're having so much difficulty with college at the moment, it's understandable that having so much anxiety about it would make going difficut. Hopefully the receptionist you mentioned starts being a bit more empathetic to what you're dealing with.

    I'd also like to echo what a lot of other people have said in this thread already and say we all care about you a lot and I hope you keep us all updated with how you're doing! <3
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    I thought maybe this time away would give me chance to reset but I’m jus struggling so much , the Sucidal thoughts are really strong and especially being away from home :( I’m in so much pain which isn’t helping and we’re doing so much walking :(

    the tube is really triggering my anxiety one minute it’s really quiet and the next it goes really loud and dark and it’s so hard just constantly having a panic attack on it 😭 I just want to go home I’ve got no paracetamol left for tomorrow I didn’t bring enough so I’m gonna have t cope without it tomorrow ☹️ 

    I just wanted a break and I can’t even get that 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @Millie2787

    How are you feeling today?

    It sounds like you've been really struggling a lot this weekend and it's understandable for everything to be feeling more difficult being away from home as well. I hope the rest of your time in London went okay. Really well done for getting on all those tubes! Are you heading back home today? 

    <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,194 Part of The Furniture
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Aife

    im still in a lot of pain and struggling a lot today . Still in London till later tonight we’re leaving the hotel at like 6 so home later tonight.Im just ready to go home to be honest now, I’m missing home and just the constant walking to places really isn’t helping.

    i didn’t get much sleep last night either Becuase I was in so much pain. I’m kinda thinking of staying off college tomorrow but I can’t keep missing it and the nurse I saw Thursday rang me when I had no signal so I didn’t get a chance to speak to her either :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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