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I dont know what to do (possible TW)

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  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Millie2787

    I hope the rest of your day goes quickly for you. Very soon you'll be back home! Keep us updated with how you're feeling. Stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Aife

    i got home just about in one piece. I’m glad to be back home with my bed . I’m still in a lot of pain which means I’m at home today . Meaning I’ve had to cancel Beth becuase I just can’t physically get here which is annoying when I could  really done with her today just to Vent about the weekend as how much he tubes stressed me and how inconsiderate people are just bloody walking into you all the time ughhhh.

    i guess the thoughts are still here and with being ill it’s making me even more low which effects how Intense the thoughts are.

    Back to reality and back to the joys of caring. Already started again with mum having a rough night last night :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    AifeKathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Feeling so Sucidal and low right now ( I’m safe ) I had my remark back and it’s still the same so that means I didn’t pass and it just proves how much of a failure I am . 

    And the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong she thinks it still could be a cysts so now she’s referred me for a ultrasound.

    im just ready to give up with college and life :(
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    AifeKathleen07
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Feeling so Sucidal and low right now ( I’m safe ) I had my remark back and it’s still the same so that means I didn’t pass and it just proves how much of a failure I am . 

    And the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong she thinks it still could be a cysts so now she’s referred me for a ultrasound.

    im just ready to give up with college and life :(
    Hey Millie, 

    Sending you hugs, we all care about you, and we are here for you :heart:

    Your not a failure, you can only do your best, but you can get through this and be okay again, we are all here, if you need to talk :heart:

    It's positive that the doctor is sending you for a scan, so hopefully that will help them find out what is wrong and that you'll be on the mend soon, 

    How are you doing today?! :heart:




                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    @Stephanie  Hmm I’m still not to great today I had a really bad  night my mood was really up and down, pretty confused and overwhelmed with how I was feeling and the unknown about the pain just all became too much  so was in quite a lot of pain this morning and the up an down all day means the stomach pains been pretty bad even with painkillers.

    The thoughts are still there I don’t really see that changing any times soon and I’m just kinda pretty emotional as 2 weeks tomorrow will be 3 years since my Nan passed away and I’m scared I’m not going to cope :( 

    i suppose I’m just really scared about he ultrasound becuase the thoughts are telling me that there’s something seriously wrong and I’m gonna die from it Becuase when they found mums cyst they found her cancer aswell so now I’m scared that’s gonna happen to me 

    mans now I’m really worried because I have an exam in 4 weeks time and im
    scared the pain is going to Hinder me in it :( 

    i guess I’m just tired of all this rubbish I just get Day in day out 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07JellyelephantAife
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Bpd bitch ✌🏼 Posts: 773 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey lovely,

    Sorry things are so tough for you right now, I hope things improve soon. It's so frustrating being in pain all the time and can leave you feeling very down. If the painkillers aren't helping have you considered going back to the doctors and talking to them about it? I know they like to start off with the OTC stuff but if it doesn't help and you are in a lot of pain they can prescribe you stronger medication to help you feel better. They also may be able to bring forward your scan appointment so that you can find the cause of the pain sooner. 

    You are being so strong, keeping on going despite the thoughts. Your nan would be so proud! It's ok to feel emotional coming up to the anniversary of her death, but make sure you practice self care and perhaps doing something to remember her would help? On the anniversary of my grandmas death I like to share stories about her, or listen to her favourite songs. It helps me keep her memory alive in my mind and feel connected to her. If you feel at risk to yourself remember there are services to support you, you can ring Beth or go to A&E, or you can contact services such as the mix crisis line, samaritans, childline, papyrus etc. 

    Keep fighting, we got your back <3 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
    Aife
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Hey @Jellyelephant
    Really does mean a lot to know you care :) 

    I literally only went back to the doctors yesterday and she just said to carry on with paracetamol, so today I started having paracetamol and ibuprofen spaced apart and I’ll try that for a few days and if that dosent help mums gonna try and see if there’s any stronger OTC painkillers she can get otherwise I’m gonna have to go back Because I can’t cope.

    Yer I Remember a few years back I was away for her first anniversary with he youth centre and I went a set a balloon off into the sea with a friend.
    This is what we did we wrote in a balloon and my friend did the same for an absent loved me and we just threw them out letting them float away . I don’t think we did anything last year and I tend to find it pretty hard to go to her grave Becuase it brings back flashbacks and memories of being in he Hospital room when she passed away :( 

    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    I just wish all of this would stop 😭 I attucally  don’t know what I did to Deserve everything. I just feel so rubbish and being in pain dosent help things becuase it’s leaving me more vunreable and it’s just a new problem or worry added each bloody day :(  
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    AifeKathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Things are seeming abit better tonight the thoughts aren’t as intense or intrusive and the Nirse at the Doctors has prescribed me with some stronger painkillers and let me know my ultrasound referral was sent as urgent and I’m not sure weather that worries me or not that they think something is seriously wrong 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    I litreally don’t know what to do now , the thoughts are back and everything I’ve worked so hard for this year is on the edge of being taken away from the - the course I worked so hard in this year there’s serious concerns about be going into the L3 and I’m being told to do Health and Social Care instead because it allows leeway for me to have time off if I need it and it gives me a better scope to do nursing. I’ve had my heart set on CPLD since I started looking in year 11 and now I can’t do it :( just makes me feel 10x worse 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Shaunie
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    Gahhhh I just feel like everything’s too much today and I can’t cope with it :( I just keep crying over the stupidest of things and I can’t even go a day free of self harm :( .

    Im so exsaughted of having to keep fighting all the time and then last night to top it all of I got told by mum that “ I don’t love you and I’ve never really cared about her “ when that’s all I’ve ever done and now that just feeds into the utter feeling of dread and that I’m worthless. I feel like I have no one to talk to or no one carers enough to answer because all I ever do is moan and I never have anything positive to say because my life is just one big massive pile of shit and I always seem to find the negative in anything positive Becuase that’s how messed up I am :( 

    i don’t know how I’m going to cope on the week of nans anniversary and I don’t even have Beth that week becuase it’s Easter Monday so I’m going to be left coping my myself and if I can’t cope in the week leading up to it how the hell am I going to on her actual anniversary 😭
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07Shaunie
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Hey Millie, :heart:

    It's been a few days since you last posted on this thread, how you doing today? :heart:

    It sounds like your really struggling at the minute. We care about you and are always here for you

    It's hard when anniversary's come around, try and remember the memories, and hold on to them, it's easier said than done when your struggling, I lost my Nanna, and actually the memories give me some comfort, hopefully it can help you too, your not alone in this. :heart:

    It's difficult when you don't have that support in place, like not seeing Beth, do you have anything planned to help take your mind of things?

    Sometimes the smallest self care can make a huge difference. 

    Also we are always here if you need to talk/rant or just need some hugs :heart:

    Your not moaning, your feelings are very valid and nobody here thinks your moaning, you are a very valued member of this community. 

    With regards to the self-harm do you have any distraction techniques that may help you? 

    Sending hugs :heart:





                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Hmmm things aren’t the best :( 

    Beth wants to think about moving me to seeing her fortnights Becuase she things I coped really well the last 2 weeks since I saw her and I’ve got another 2 weeks Still I see her again. She thinks I’m making good progress and now I don’t want to disappoint her by telling her how I back tracked progress last night. I had a really bad night really someone was watching me even though my blinds and curtains were closed I just know they were even if no one believed me.She said things are  on the up but I don’t feel like they are, I still feel like things are getting worse.

    Yer I remember a few memories of her today was 3 years since I had my last conversation with her when she was lucid and conscious so I’ve been thinking about them. Been also playing some of her favourite songs and looking through some pictures. 

    I have a whole list of distractions that I could do butane I know this sounds stupid I kind of feel like it’s the way I’m coping with everything right now and it’s the way I’m coping with missing Nanna , I know it’s not exactly the best coping strategy but I just feel like it’s the only thing that’s helping me get through.
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Try not to think you'll disappoint Beth, she is a professional and she will understand that things are not always a straight forward line, sometimes you may struggle, and she is there to support you. If she  knows how much you've struggled then she can better support you. 

    That's good, try and hold on to those memories, and hopefully they bring you some comfort, grief is difficult and it's okay to have difficult days, and it's okay to miss somebody, :heart:

    It's good to know you have distractions, sometimes it's difficult to know what to do when your in that moment, you can get through this, allow yourself to feel those emotions, remember those memories and this can pass, and you can be okay again :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

    Millie2787
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Thank you for caring 

    i guess I just miss her so much , she meant so much to me and prattically raised me when I was young when mum was I’ll and we used to talk about everything and I don’t know things aren’t just not great st the moment 

    i don’t really know just when I get in that that state that’s just alll I can think about and nothing can snap me out of it expect from doing it 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Hey Millie, :heart:

    It's been a few days since you last posted, how are you doing? 

    We all care about you, and are here for you. 

    It's totally normal and okay to miss somebody who meant a lot to you. 

    Have you thought about maybe writing a letter to your Nanna, you could get everything out that you may want to say to her, totally know it's not the same, however it may help you. Worth a try if you are up too that. Totally your call, :heart:

    Sometimes it can help to get our feelings out, and it's a safe way as well :heart:

    We are here for you, your not going through this alone, 

    Sending hugs :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Hey @Stephanie

    The thoughts were pretty bad last night and got a couple of hours sleep last night which I suppose is better than the no sleep I’ve been getting the last few days.

    I always use to write letters to her some of them more angry then others and then would burn them ahah. Before She passed away she made all her grandchildren little boxes and there’s a letter in there on how much she loved us and I found that yesterday and it broke my heart how I feel like I’ve just let her down massively.

    I guess I’m just really worried that each day leading up to Tuesday I’m finding it harder and harder to cope but I guess that’s just me being silly :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Sorry to hear last night was a difficult night for you, it's positive you got a few hours sleep though :heart:

    Did it help you to write those letters?

    Try not to think you've let your Nanna down, I'm sure she wouldn't think that. She cared about you and loved you, that wont change. :heart:

    Your not being silly, your feelings and thoughts are very valid, and it's good that you talk on here cause it means your getting your feelings out, and we all care about you :heart:


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    @Stephanie

    Yer they use to especially when I was blaming myself a lot . I guess I still do blame myself for her passing away , maybe if I had seen she was iller soon her then cancer wouldn’t of taken her away from.

    i Just feel  like I have let her down , she’d hate to know how I hurt myself becuase I can’t come but she was always the one I would go to , who any of us would go to when we were struggling and now she’s gone I don’t know who to go to 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Try not to blame yourself, sometimes things like this happen, it's cruel and horrible that bad things can happen to good people and people pass away, Know it's easier said than done though, :heart: 

    Sending hugs

    You can always talk to us on here, We are here. 


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Guess the thoughts came  back with huge vengeance last night I just couldn’t stop thinking about dying and I just ended up so overwhelmed and confused and as much as I feel bad using it I ended up using Crisis messenger and I always feel bad using it becuase I just feel like I’m wasting there time with my stupid silly problems  but there’s just one thing the lady said to me that really helped to make my feelings feel valid.

    She said that’s I've been through a traumatic time so it’s understandable that I’m scared and overwhelmed about it all and about nana upcoming anniversary  and the scan on Friday  and I don’t think anyone has said that to me before and I dunno it really did kinda help me to realise it’s ok for me to feel like that.

    i guess I’m just really scared that something could be really wrong when I have the scan on Friday or that the other end they don’t find anything wrong and then I don’t know why I’m in so much pain all the time. I guess I’m still scared about Nanas anniversary as well , I just still kind of wonder how I’m going to cope and what I don’t understand is that the past 2 anniversary have been fine but this year it’s so difficult and I’m struggling so much more.
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07Aife
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    so Stressed and overwhelmed and confused again and the thoughts of dying are back again.

    im exsaughted can’t be dealing with another crisis like last night but then I have no one who will listen :( Gahhh who cares anyway 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Don’t even know why I keep posting here I’m just a worthless pile of shite who dosent deserve any attention 😔
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hey @Millie2787

    I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that you are worthy of support and you do deserve attention <3

    It's really nice what the Crisis Messenger person said to you last night. Keep remembering what they said because how you're feeling is completely valid. Do you feel like you can reach out to them again today if you're struggling? 

    I really hope your scan goes okay on Friday and I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday too. Loosing someone close to us is never easy and there may be some days where you struggle more than others and that's okay. I can see how much you really care about her and it's really nice you've looking through photos and reading letters that she sent you. I really liked that you sent off a balloon a few years ago to remember her. Is this something you might do again this year?

    <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
    Millie2787
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Aife

    It took me a lot of courage pushing by my friend to use it last night and I guess I’m scared to reach out to them again becuase I feel bad for using them again when I’ve already used them in the early hours of today.

    I suppose I could go and get a balloon and do the same thing , when I did it before we set it off into the sea so this time I would just have to let it the sky , though my sisters all we can’t do that because it harms the planet lol 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Aife
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Today’s the day I’ve been dreading :( the 3 years since Nana died , Am so overwhelmed today I’ve just been lay in bed for most of it cuddling Louie , He's recognising when I’m anxious and he comes and lies on me till I’ve calmed down refusing to let me move.

    The Self harm urges are so so high today along with the thoughts which is just making me feel even more overwhelmed but Louie will sit and wine and stare at me if I’m going to self harm which I jsut cant bear doing it knowing he’s watching me :( 

    i just feel so alone today no one is talking about Nana not even memories about her and I don’t want to bring it up becuase it’s only ever Ohh yer I remember we never attucally sit and remember the memories they have which makes me sad becuase it makes me think no one carers or remembers her anymore 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    StephanieAifeKasa2103
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Hey Millie, 

    Just wanted to echo what has been said here, you are worthy of this support and you deserve the support :heart:

    Sending hugs to you,

    Anniversary's are tough, so it's positive you have reached out for support.

    Sometimes people may not want to talk about somebody who is no longer with us, it may be cause they are struggling or missing somebody and aren't ready to talk about things. That doesn't mean you can't talk about your Nanna, how about you talk about her on this thread if you feel like you can do that, totally your call, we are here for you. 

    :heart:


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Hey @Stephanie

    Thank you 💜

    Well I guess my nan was a super caring and loving woman who was just amazing all round . We used to spend Sunday’s with her going to the carboot and then coming back to finish cooking the roast dinner - There was nothing like your nanas roast dinner there was just something special about it .we go up into the little veg patch they had st the back of the garden and help dog up the potatoes and pick the runner beans she had been growing .

    She was that nan that you’d would in the house to find her leg cocked over the side of her chair , rollers in her hair watching the grand national or any horse racing. She was that nan who had those creepy porcelain faces dolls in the spare room that used to freak you out when we’d stay over.

    She was a Nanna that I loved so much :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Aife
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 686 Super Moderator
    Aw that all sounds amazing, :heart:

    How are you feeling today? 

    Those dolls used to freak me out too, my Nanna had a porcelain clown, it sounds like you have lots of lovely memories with your Nanna, hold on to those memories, something that helps me when I am missing my Nanna is thinking about all the memories and remembering the happy times, maybe that could help you too :heart:

    We are always here for you to talk about things that your going through, you don't need to go through this alone :heart:


                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,851 Boards Guru
    Just keep getting overwhelmed and not coping with everything today . I’m using Crisis messenger now but the person just seems pretty shit and keeps asking really stupid questions :( it dosent help it’s a man either so it makes it harder for me 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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