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I dont know what to do (possible TW)

Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
These past couple of weeks i've been struggling with Suicidal Thoughts and the Urge to act on them. I wouldn't act on them but it just scares and upsets me being there. I really want to tell my CAMHS worker about them but there somethings stopping me . I don't want her to Say that i'm unsafe and then her have to ring my mum because then my mum would find out and last time i tired to talk to her about things like this she shouted at me and told me not to be so stupid, That i was making it all up and that i'm not putting her through this all again.I'd much rather Her admit me to the children ward in the Hospital if she thought i was that unsafe than listen to mum screaming and shouting at me , or watching me every second.

I just really want to tell her but i dont know how to :(
Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
Kathleen07
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Comments

  • littlegemzlittlegemz EssexPosts: 52 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Bless you. I bet it's really hard worrying about how mum is going to react. Do you have any other relatives or adults you can talk to that can explain to mum how you feel maybe Camhs can talk to her and explain on your behalf? Or a teacher?
    KitkatKatieMike
  • MikeMike 🦄🎮🌏 LondonPosts: 2,507 Community Manager
    edited March 2019
    Do you have any other relatives or adults you can talk to that can explain to mum how you feel maybe Camhs can talk to her and explain on your behalf? Or a teacher?
    This is an interesting idea from @littlegemz. :) Having someone on your side who's qualified to put forward your case can really help when you 'break news' like this. That way you're not relying on your mum simply taking your word for it - you have someone there with the language to explain this stuff in a way she might be a bit more receptive to, and to defend you if things start getting heated.

    If you did talk to her, how do you think you might do it? In a physical conversation, or perhaps a letter or long text message? The latter can be a nice way to get out everything you need to say without interruption or things getting too emotional if that's a worry.

    One thing I would say is that this is likely to be a difficult thing for your mum to process, and that can naturally produce some less-than-ideal reactions. That doesn't mean it's right or that you should have to go through that, but more that it's something people often get past once they've had time to reflect on the news and remember they do care, do want to help, and don't want to make your life harder.

    Obviously I don't know if this will be the case for your mum, but there's a chance it may be a case of getting through that initial reaction/outburst and then things looking up after that.

    I'd much rather Her admit me to the children ward in the Hospital if she thought i was that unsafe than listen to mum screaming and shouting at me , or watching me every second.

    This really caught my attention, and it's clear you're really dreading this. :( It's not a nice thing to go through. I guess the thing I'd ask is: how would you feel if you explained this to her and she eventually came round, tried to understand, and tried to help? Is that something you'd like to aim for, even if the actual moment turns out to be a bit hellish?

    Also, just a gentle reminder that Crisis Messenger and Samaritans are always there to support you if you feel like you're at breaking point. It's really positive that you're looking for ways to help yourself through it - it's not easy to even consider telling parents about this stuff, so you're doing well. :)


    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Avatar credit: Qostine
    Millie2787
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    Welll @mike I managed to write a letter Sunday night and gave it to Beth in our session on Monday one of the paragraph being about these thoughts and even though she was concerned I don’t think she was concerned enough to tell mum. She said at the start of each week she wants to check in with me just to gauge how “safe” I am.

    Im not sure how I’d tell her , if I texted her or wrote her a letter it would still lead to a conversation about it and I feel like all three ways are going to end in a argument or her shouting and screaming at me.


    I think what makes it harder for mum is she’s already had her other daughter ( my older sister ) go through all of this and I understand how hard it must have been to hear or see me go through all of that again  but then that makes me question why she couldn’t of just been supportive and a part of me dosent want to Tell her when she has everything else going on.

    obviously it would be something that I’m the long run I would want mum to support me with because it’s reslly painful to keep hidying things from her. Im just not sure I don’t think I’m still ready to tell her yet - even though I’ve told Beth I feel like telling mum is a step too far for me right now if that makes sense .
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,285 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Millie, 

    Just want to echo what others have said, and wanted to pop on to offer you some hugs, sounds like your going through a lot at the minute, we are here for you :heart:


    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • RileyRiley Posts: 521 Super Moderator
    Hey there @Millie2787 ,

    I just wanted to say I hope you're doing okay at the moment, it definitely sounds like you're going through a rough time right now. Be sure to keep us all up to date with how you're feeling as I know a lot of people on the boards care about you.

    As for what you said about not wanting to tell your mum about what you're dealing with I think it's understandable that you would be nervous about something like that, if your health worker is happy for you to not tell her just yet then that's probably fine. The decision is yours either way so if you don't feel happy telling your mum yet then that's up to you. :)

    - Riley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @Riley Thank you 😊 

    im abit worse for wear at the moment , finding out I didn’t pass my 2 exams really knocked me back but found out yesterday and today that my subject department is going to pay for my remark of H&SC as I was one mark away and for the resit of my Childcare so that’s a positive 


    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,285 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Millie,

    Just wanted to say sorry to hear about your exams, it's never nice when you don't pass something that you've worked really hard on. I like to think everything happens for a reason, it sucks, but it's positive you can take the exams again, which is positive like you say.

    How you feeling about resitting your exams?

    We are here for you :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,176 Supreme Poster
    Hey @Millie2787

    how are you feeling today?

    I think maybe your mum may rather worry than not be there to help? I think many people can react in a similar way she did - and i think its maybe cause they feel helpless and some sort of denial in wishing you wasnt feeling that way. If makes sense. But maybe she would like to support you ?

    hope youre remarks and resits go okay
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @shauine I’m not to great , not much sleep last night and I still am no where near falling asleeping now. Brain decided to do some late night over thinking lol 


    i don’t know I just guess I’m not ready to tell her yet and i don’t know how long it’s going to be until I am - I guess until I’m ready it’s just going to have to be a case of trying to hide it from her as best as I can
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,176 Supreme Poster
    edited March 2019
    Aw you must be really tired from lack of sleep as well as trying to hide how you feel too :(. You deserve support from people around you - even if thats just them knowing you may be struggling. but understand is your chioce not to. You mentioned earlier about your older sister going through this - could you speak to her about this?
     I hope sharing here is helping you and that you are taking good care of your self. <3
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @shauine wish I could tell my sister but she would just go blabbing back to mum ☹️

    Today hasn’t been good I’ve just been feeling that I’m not me . That I just don’t feel like my normal self but I don’t reslly know how to describe it . The thoughts have been pretty bad to today I don’t know weather that’s becuase I’m exsuaghted and then my bloody Heart raté keeping jumping into the 100 for no reason 🤦🏻‍♀️

    Mum in probably had an idea I’m not myself becuase she’s picking up on how moody and snappy I am with her .

    i just don’t think I’ll ever be ready to tell her about the thoughts , I’ve grown up learning to struggle through things my myself so I suppose I can carry in doing that .
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 687 Super Moderator
    Hey Millie, 

    Sending you some hugs, it sounds like today has been challenging, really glad you've posted and reached out for support, we are here for you 

    :heart:

    Do you want to talk more about how you've been feeling today? It sounds like you've had some bad thoughts, we are here if you want to talk more about anything. 




                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @Stephanie The thoughts are always there but the last 3/4 weeks They’ve been worse and this week they just seem to really peak , I don’t know weather it’s becuase I’m exsaughted and it dosent help I’m drowning in piles of coursework and these last few nights mum hasn’t be doing good , pacing around a lot and getting quite agitated so I’ve had to stay awake until she’s settled. But yet today’s just been pretty rubbish normally going out in placment cheers me up but hasn’t even made a dent. 
    sorry I’m just rambaling on 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 687 Super Moderator
    Lack of sleep can affect us all in many ways so that may not be helping, but it sounds like you are very self aware of how your feeling, which helps you deal with things. Something that helped me when I was studying was to break things up into smaller more manageable chunks, do you think that would help you?
    Sorry to hear how your mum is at the minute, it sounds difficult for you, but also sounds like your very supportive to your mum. 
    You are not rambling on, we are here for you to talk about things, sometimes just getting things out of your brain can help right? :heart:
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 

    "Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"

  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @Stephanie Yer I suppose it’s just finding the time to be able to sit and do the work , I often find myself to keep asking for extensions on my assignments and really the teachers can keep giving me extensions on every one of my assignments.

    i just suppose I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now . 

    Thank you for caring ❤️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    Currently sat in children’s A&E with my friend after she took a funny turn whilst we were out for lunch.

    I find it really strange how being sat in hostipal.  ( even though it’s not for me ) has made me feel so safe , secure and the thoughts have subsided ☹️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Sending hugs Aimee <3
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    As soon as I left my friend with her mum and left the hospital the thoughts started to creep back again :( . I just felt so safe and secure there 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,176 Supreme Poster
    Heyy @Millie2787 <3

    i totally get your feelings around hospial making you feel safe. When i was discharged from hospital all i ever wanted was to go back there - even tho it was hell but my life is just as bad. And i understand its actually hard to have those thoughts but hospitals are not the best place to be and there are ways you can get the feelings of what hospital gives you- outside of hospital
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @shaunie I suppose I just liked the fact off that I felt safe there and that I could just sit and my head wasn’t loud and I just think overall my thoughts decreased so much being there . I’m aware how stupid it sounds when most people can’t stand the sight of being in hostipal ☹️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,176 Supreme Poster
    It is really not stupid. Those feelings are actually really common and makes total sense cause ive said this exact thing to mental health professionals and they know exactly what i mean and i think its a massive reason why hospital are really the last resort otherwise do miss part when was there. Theres loads of reasons why i want to be in hospital but trying to find those reason and put it in my life

    Does anything else makes your thoughts quieter? 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @shaunie no not really today was for the first time in months when I was sat there and just could not hear all the thoughts and everything whizzing around 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,176 Supreme Poster
    @shaunie no not really today was for the first time in months when I was sat there and just could not hear all the thoughts and everything whizzing around 
    What part of hospital, do you think helped that? The fact there was more distraction or that if you did get bad thoughts that there was people around who could help?

    what sort of thoughts are you getting now? Do you think you can break them down or? 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @Shaunie I’m not really sure I just know i felt really safe and secure there , maybe it was becuase I couldn’t do anything whilst I was there if that makes sense? 

    *Might be TW for this part *


    Umm it’s kinda hard to describe I just feel really hopeless and that I’m not worth anything and that no one cares . It’s the thoughts of wanting to die and that I have no engery to carry on fighting them everyday becuase it’s exsuaghting, That im not wanted and my life is just one big massive shit show ☹️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,176 Supreme Poster
    That makes sense @Millie2787

    Do you feel safe in public areas too- if know cant harm yourself? 

    And im sorry you feel like that. But you are definetly wanted on here and we care <3. It does sound really overwhelming and distressing. I hope writing it down helped a lil and that this morning you are feeling less overwhelmed 
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @Shauine Hmm I don’t think so , yesterday being at the hospital was the first time the sucidal thoughts had really Quieted down.

    meh still pretty shit and overwhelmed but then again I’m always like that now kinda get use to it now. Writting it down does kinda help make sense of everything.

    Its just that sense of that I’ve got no one or that no one carers even though I know there is people. I dunno maybe supporting my friend through her thing yesterday has just riled things up abit for me :(
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 133 Boards Initiate
    Hiya 

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like noone cares, I hope you know that there are people at The Mix that care for you, although I understand that it can be difficult.

    I'm glad that being at the hospital helped a little, even if it wasn't an ideal situation. LIke @Shaunie
    suggested, reflecting on why the hospital might have helped could be a good idea so well done for doing that. It can be hard to understand our thoughts so even taking that time to reflect is a big achievement, even if you're not sure.

    I hope your friend is doing okay today and that you manage to take some time for yourself. We're all here for you <3

    Caroline
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    @CarolineV Thank you , means a lot to hear you all care ( I know you all do but seeing it written can really help to reinforce it for me) I think maybe I’ll bring this up with Beth (CAMHS) on Monday and see what she says about it - it’s just finding the confidence and strength to do that :( 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Millie2787Millie2787 🐶 💜 Posts: 2,947 Boards Guru
    I’m really struggling on gettting my head around the idea of having to tell Beth about how I felt at the hospital and how bad things are tomorrow .

    I’m trying to write a letter to her but can’t find the write words to describe it all 😐
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,936 Taking your piece of the pi
    Aw <3 Remember there's no pressure, you don't have to tell her - but if you want to, I think that's a good step. Well done, and you can get through this.

    I get not being able to find the right words - happens with me.
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